Lost on how to save my marriage! 2

[joejoe1]

I'm thinking about dropping the D papers. I'm feeling disrespected and taken for granted.

I'm a little lost on how to navigate this situation from here.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm thinking about dropping the D papers. I'm feeling disrespected and taken for granted.

I'm a little lost on how to navigate this situation from here.

Joejoe

I read over your thread and seems to me you have not been here very long (by DB standards. I know it feels like a century for you).


I see that many of the things you have done so far are about getting a reaction from your w. That's not going to help and it's actually pretty manipulative. And usually it's obvious to the WAS who sees it as more pressure from you.

Do not file for divorce to get a reaction. It's like marital Russian roulette.

There are ways to move forward and let her do the work for a divorce if that is what she wants.

How are your GAL activities? (San Antonio has a lot of GAL possibilities. We lived there 7 years and it's a great place for families). Part of GAL is to distract you from constantly obsessing and part of it is to help you grow as a man. And to help you with GAL.

Maybe you can let go of the need for certainty now, until you are more consistent.

Can you tell us what specific changes you are working on that you yourself wanted to work on?

I'm hazy on ^^that, and I'm also hazy on whether your w is merely writing to her old bf or actively seeing him, etc. Do you know? What prior relationship with OW is your w referring to? Was that resolved?

And you guys have 4 sons in the house, 2 of whom are your bio kids. And the other 2 are whose?

I'm just trying to get a clearer picture.

Hang in there.

[joejoe1]

25,

We have 4 boys all together. She had a son coming into the marriage and I had a son coming into the marriage. My son lives in New Orleans. And he spends the entire summer and holidays with us.

I have been doing a lot of GALing. But I think you are right that maybe I have been doing a bit of it to get a reaction out of her.

I have grown spiritually. I have joined a church I have went to church consistently the last 5 or 6 weeks. I have lost 36 pounds and counting. I went ziplinning yesterday, I have bungee jumpimg and skydiving lined up in the next fee weeks.

I guess what gets me most is how she walks around mean and stand off ish all the time. It pisses me off.

The OM lives in Maryland and she slept with him in July. It's an old boyfriend from HS, who she says she never got over. She has been having feelings for him since they broke up in HS.

This woman my wife is talking about is an old GF I happen to run across in AZ. I didnt go seeker her out. Once I saw her I realized I didn't have any feelings for her. I told my wife that story now she tries to use it as a bases for, "see you got a chance to figure out about an old GF".

[joejoe1]

So after I slept on my feelings and reading what 25 had to tell me, I noticed that I haven't detached look I should have. I haven't given detachment it's full time and due process.

I realize like 25 said that I was worried about W reaction to what I was doing.

Now I realize that I have to forget about what she thinks or does. I have to do this for myself and enter a world that she isn't present.

Onward and Upward.

[joejoe1]

I asked my wife not to the OM on our house phone, she did it again today. Should this be a boundary, now what consequence can I give for her doing this. The other thing is, it's me snooping. Is this a boundary, or me trying to control?

Also I was thinking about taking back control of all the finances, my wife has been paying the bills and dividing the money up. Should I take this part of our life back?

[LH19]

I asked my wife not to the OM on our house phone, she did it again today. Should this be a boundary, now what consequence can I give for her doing this. The other thing is, it's me snooping. Is this a boundary, or me trying to control?

Absolutely it should a boundary and you should not tolerate it. Cancel the phone service as a consequence. Ask her to leave.

I would stop snooping if I were you. She has an OM it's confirmed. Why put yourself through the torture.

[Mowgli]

joe,

I don't normally post, but I have to explain boundaries to you:

When you set a boundary, it is for YOU, not for HER.

You CANNOT tell her what she can and can't do, you can only decide how to respond to her actions.

So when you set a boundary, it's about setting it up to protect you, not to control her or her actions.

Ex. WW spewing at you is a boundary that you can set. You can tell WW that you will not listen to her berate you, yell, etc. and if she does that there is a natural consequence-most likely, you walk away, don't respond to text, etc.

You cannot tell her who she can call, or where she can call from.

If she's doing that to try to get to you, BTW, it's working. You need to pretend like it doesn't phase you at all.

Here's an example of a boundary you can set and could've set when she gave you that talk about "disrespect."

WW: joe, I know I disrespected you and that's why you're doing this to me.

joe: WW, I'm just living my life. As long as you're still in an active A (contacting OM), what I do is none of your business. I'm going to go now.

--and you end it there. You walk away after that, because you've set your boundary and told her that she doesn't get to discuss R with you until she's serious.

So she STILL has the choice to contact OM. It might still bother you; there's nothing you can do about it, but you've set up a boundary to protect you.

You've is set a clear boundary: no R talk until NC with OM.

If she wants to talk R, she knows what she has to do.

I'm telling you this right now: It may never happen. She might never get it, but you are protecting yourself with the boundary.

This make a little more sense?

As far as finances, you can't "take back control." what you should be doing is establishing control over your OWN finances.

ie. setting up an individual account in your name. If you can do a direct deposit into your account, that's best.

If you know what monthly bills are, you can continue to let her pay them and write her a check from your personal account.

you don't tell her anything until she asks. IF you bring it up first, it looks like you're being vindictive.

She'll ask, trust me! Especially if she's the one paying the bills.

when she does, you say

"WW, I'm unsure of what our future looks like, and I'm preparing myself for the reality that our household may dissolve. If you can get me copies of the bills from now on, as long as we're both living here, I'll gladly write a check to cover my portion of the expenses."

Again, this a boundary to protect YOU. You don't want all that responsibility, you want to protect yourself financially and emotionally.

This is why we call it detaching. You are separating yourself from the sitch. all this is right now is a business transaction- the business being the household expenses.

There is no R, no R talk until OM is gone.

This is going to be eating away at you until you can actually detach, but you have to "fake it 'till you make it."

If she ever gets to the point of wanting that R talk again, you need to remember

Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.

If you let her in too soon, you show your hand. You have to detach.

[Mowgli]

that's bad advice, man

[joejoe1]

Mowgli,

So let me ask you, she has access to all my accounts. Do I take her off of them?

[LH19]

that's bad advice, man

I disagree. He specifically ask her to not contact OM on the home phone. That's very disrespectful and he needs to set some boundaries.