My husband filed for divorce

[25yearsmlc]

LA

You sound pretty good right now. Remember that It's not a linear process.


You will have peaceful days, good days, and you will backslide or something will trigger you.


Recently I think the upcoming year milestone has triggered some old feelings in me (and it's raining, again, outside. I miss the west coast weather and my older kids)

The other trigger for me is that our big hearing is in a month, and a lot of my financial future hinges on it.

Yes I have made progress. I have let go of the desire for a reconciliation, about as much as is possible.

I am excited about my own future, *starting it for real, without the financial sword of Damocles over my head. I'm ready to date without a big fat chip on my shoulder. I've been asked out and think I'll start accepting the invites.

I really really want this divorce process (legally/financially speaking) to be over.

The certainty of a budget will free me a lot. The job market here is hard for an out of state lawyer (hiring freeze for the feds)

but I'm working on getting something b/c I need the structure (and the income) and I look so forward to not needing h for money!

It's really the last tie he has over any of us. Several months ago, d20 told me she did not want to have to speak to h and that "after he pays for college I'll have no reason to speak to him again." I told her that her dad loves her and she (and her siblings) ALL asked me to stop saying that and not to defend him again. They were clear.

My youngest child (for whom he cut off college funding, though we paid for the older 2)

was awarded a huge cost reduction for college, which was SUCH a relief and gift from the God. I can't even express that enough. (And my s31 spearheaded the application for us and did 90% of the work).

It's a load off my mind and a huge stress relief for her, and she has been troubled in the past. Things like that help a lot.

I'm proud of my son and grateful my kids are close to each other and we are all tight.
What a blessing.

H's loss & he doesn't even know it.

Sure, I struggle with the injustice of it all. (The last week has really been a drag. Lots of rain and medical bills from last fall that are still unpaid. I hate that)

At night it's worse for me b/c I let my mental guard down. I do the cognitive work in the day that reminds me of what real unfairness is like to get perspective.

Of my 5 closest lifelong friends, 3 are facing major challenges in their lives (a double lung transplant & rejection, a friend who lost her son last fall to an unknown heart defect, and my dear friend who I'm meeting tomorrow, has cancer.

Whereas I sometimes think there's so much uncertainty for me, relatively speaking, I'm in good shape b/c I know my divorce process will end at some point, and I won't be so poor that I'll be on the street (I am getting half the pensions and they are arriving now, finally). And I feel my health is mostly restored. I'm around the corner from good things.

And I have health insurance too, and family and close friends are in the area and very supportive.

I'm working through a lot of changes that happened in a short time, and I will NOT repress or pretend it does not hurt or infuriate me. I don't want anymore secrets or shamed silence.

But I also won't wallow or stay stuck or become bitter. I'm a good person with a lot to give and I believe I have a lot coming my way.

H has some defects I must have avoided or deflected from. Or been blind to. I will figure that out.

I also became far too complacent about the m recently, b/c I think I believed that once D20 was out of the house, we would address what we each wanted. We once had a very good m, and knowing that makes it harder at times, to see it end. Or to realize the future you planned is not to be.

At no time did h say he was unhappy or wanted to change anything. Not once.

I mistakenly interpreted h's work ethic and intelligence as meaning he had character or was honest. I know with all my heart I'd never have done anything like this to him or our kids.

When I feel there's an "equation" to this that I am "losing", I remind myself of my own loyalty and what he lost, and I realize, (usually) that I probably dodged a bullet.


His recent behavior has benefited me in 2 ways. I am not looking over my shoulder trying to dance for him to come back. No thanks.

And the mourning I was doing, has been propelled forward like a rocket. If he can behave this way, I'm so ooooo not interested in going backwards. Being without him or any man, is better than being with someone who could do these things.

When the money piece is complete, I don't think I will look back much at all.

You sound as if your eyes are open, but the new account he opened is something to watch. There is no "good" reason for that. Sorry.

New Ow's need attention and that means money, and if they are planning a life together they may justify keeping all the money.

We had a lovely home i did not feel we could afford when we bought it.

Both older kids recall hearing ME saying I thought we were "Biting off more than we could chew" but h insisted b/c the "land will double in value".

He was wrong. It's not factually important now but he put in his legal pleading that I "made him buy it". Aside from not ever being able to make that cheapskate buy anything he did not want to, it's just weird.

It is such a distortion of reality/history. I mean, it's the opposite of true.

My point is they can do some serious marital revisions and that means they can justify things you'd never believe.

sorry to be scaring you b/c I believe a truly honest appraisal of our marriages in light of these betrayals is at first devastating and can bring you to your knees.

Later, with some time and insight, and a lot of work (as you see here), we tend to WAKE up for our lives and live them more authentically and fully.

I'm DOING more than I did before my mom died, and I love more people and an connecting meaningfully.

I'm nearing the time of enacting my "new life" trying to get overseas.

I just did not think this divorce would take so long. If you can get some money (not more than half since that's his)

to prepare for the possibility that your h may go a bit bonkers, you might have more peace of mind.

Bluewave's h had an affair and returned and they are now in "piecing" trying to rebuild their m.

Check out her thread so that If you and your h try to reconcile down the road, you'll have some guidance.

My h & I reconciled for years but I never asked him to get IC. I wish I had. Not that he'd have had the awakening I thought he had, but maybe the truth is that he really did not place a big priority on family time.

He evidently prefers living on the tundra - even before the OW (I think) and living away from us in other states or cities, was his preference. He wasn't that into 7 days a week parenting.

Seems obvious now...so maybe knowing this 10 years ago would have saved me time, but as my T says, "regrets are counter productive once you know what you would do differently."

And that's something I need to be disciplined about. Re-framing my perspective and reinvigorating my faith.

Keep posting, hang in there.

((( )))

[Treasur]

I'm sorry, LAJar. The WTF shock of realising you are dealing with someone very different now is hard and painful. I would never have believed ny H capable of doing some of the crazy, horrible things he has done. But it doesn't change the reality of what you need to deal with. Detachment really helps, but don't worry that you'll dip in and out. It's really early days.

[LAJar]

Hi all,
I just found this site and Michele's book last week.
This is my first post & I'm hoping to get some clarity, guidance, perspective.

July 21st after a small argument, not speaking for a couple of days, my husband told me he's miserable & I made his life miserable & wants a divorce.
I had just gotten home from work when he came to the bedroom & dropped this bomb.
He started to walk out & I asked if he had nothing else to say & couldn't we talk about it?
He didn't want to, but allowed me 5-10 minutes where he proceeded to blame me for all of his unhappiness, then left. He came back the next day, didn't say a word to me, nor I to him, got a few things & left.
Came back the following day to water, get some things from the garage & left.
I heard nothing from him until the following Tuesday when he told me he was going to an attorney to start the process & would like to be fair.
What would I like moneywise, assets. BTW, we just bought a house 3 months ago.
I didn't respond because I was actually going to counseling that day & wanted some direction before I responded.
My therapist suggested I simply ask to talk in person & leave it at that. I did & he said no, there's no going back just wanted to know what I wanted in the divorce. I said ok & do what you need to do.
He proceeded to text me a few more times over the next couple of days with the same & tried to ignore him until I finally told him to stop & give me a chance to see an attorney as well.

He came by the house on Saturday to get more things from the garage. I only heard him when he was in the front of the house & looked out the window just in time to see him flip off the house. I texted him that if he wanted to be civil, why would he do that? He responded angrily that now I was crying (when I looked out the window I was crying & had been before he got there) but wasn't emotional when he left.
As I mentioned we just bought a house & are in the middle of renovations.
I had just gotten the a/c repaired after it not working for the last 2 months & hearing it on made him angry. He believes the length of time it's taken to complete projects is all my fault (indecisive).
Now that he's left I'm on the ball & get the a/c fixed (hence the finger). We proceeded to go back & forth over text & I finally just called him & asked him to talk to me. He was angry & said he hated our relationship, I was controlling.
He said I never let him make any decisions in our old apt. & thought things would change when we bought this house.
Our sex life was pretty non-existent, said I hated his friends (a couple, not all), the city we live in (not my first choice, but getting used to it), we didn't have kids because I was too controlling. I have a son from a previous relationship and once my son hit 19, he left the house & went to live w/ my parents.
Now he says, I let my son leave when he was still in high school (not true) because I didn't like the way he parented my son. I always thought he was a little too hard, but acknowledged I was just being overprotective, but never stopped him from parenting because it wasn't abusive/harmful.
Outside of my dad/brothers, he is the only father-figure my son has & has been in my son's life for more than half of it. Sex & choices on the house I knew were an issue, but the others were all new to me. We ended the conversation with him saying he's sorry it has to be this way, but he was filing. I texted him after that I loved him & was sorry I didn't make him happy. He texted he loves me too, doesn't hate me just the relationship & is sorry its come to this.
Some relationship backstory... We've been together 14 years and married almost 10 (in Sept). I thought we had a good relationship, not perfect, but laughed a lot & truly enjoyed being w/ one another.
He left one time before about 7-8 years ago for a few weeks, but came back.
We briefly went to counseling, but really only tried to work on our communication ourselves, which I thought we were. He has been stressed. His mother who he was close to, passed away in '09 & this Jan. his father was diagnosed with dementia. B/t his sister & himself, they've been trying to care for their dad, who still lives alone but is declining in certain aspects. He & his sister constantly fight over his father's care.
He's had a lot of built-up aggression & started individual counseling, anger mgmt classes about 1.5 years go. It's been inconsistent though.
Add the stresses of a new house, renovations & our own marital issues & he blew.
The initial "small" argument was that we were supposed to travel to his friend's wedding.
I was responsible for booking travel. It was expensive, but offered to pitch in because I knew it was important to him. Was prolonging it in hopes of finding a deal but hadn't recently communicated that. Two days before he left, he told me to stop looking & we weren't going. He didn't want to look dumb & cancel at the last minute. It's a petty reason, but I really believe w/ all of the stress he was looking forward to this trip. When it didn't happen, he was upset & all of that highlighted my flaws.
Since our last phone conversation, he filed on 8/31 - I looked it up online. I believe (not 100% sure)they tried to serve me 2 days later.
I was in the shower & could hear the doorbell ringing (we never have visitors).
By the time I got out, no one was there. It's been a week & I'm just waiting for them to come back. In 2 weeks, my son is moving 5 hours away to finish school.
He texted if he could come by to discuss the sale of the house but I told him I was busy w/ my son's move. I also still haven't received any legal counsel & said once I get through this move, I will deal w/ the divorce. He said fine, but he's only seen a paralegal & was trying not to go the attorney route, so this would be civil. He has also not even bothered to call my son, which is really hurtful. I would normally say our son, but based on his actions, it's too painful.

Like many, this severe reaction is coming out of nowhere. I knew some of these issues, I just didn't know how deep they ran. His lack of interest in trying to work things through, go to counseling, which he says we've tried (yes, 8 years ago for 3 sessions), is shocking to me.
My first reaction was an affair, but I looked through our phone bills & nothing too suspicious (although he has since removed his phone from the family account).
He doesn't go out at night or on weekends w/out me that would cause suspicion.
I'm not ruling it out, but I'm also trying not to focus on that too much either.

I love my husband & would love nothing more than to reconcile & work on our marriage.
I know my part in this.
I also know, I have little control in that aspect, but with the filing it all seems to be going so fast. I haven't had any communication with him in a week and have little hope.
As I approach the 3rd week since he's left, I'm slowly picking myself off the floor and trying to GAL (counseling, reading the book, had drinks w/ friends).
There is zero communication, but I know I will have to text him about the mortgage payment.
He makes it & it hasn't been done. I'm dreading a response that he will not.

I apologize for the length, it just spilled out.
Thoughts, insight, suggestions are truly appreciated.

LAJar,
I'm with you. We have a lot of similarities. (I believe) My husband started his EA in late June/early July, we bought a house on July 28 and he moved out, after I exposed his EA and told him to leave since he didn't want to stop, on August 9. I have no advice to share, since I am literally in the same boat, but just wanted to tell you I'm here for you.

daisy82, thanks for the response. At a time when we should be the happiest with a new home purchase, it has added a whole new set of problems to this horrible situation. A bit different and I don't know which is worse in that I have almost zero contact with H and feels like he does it because he's in new R & wouldn't want to cheat on her with me - or - you still having contact with husband all while he cake-eats. Guess they're both just as bad in their own way. I appreciate the support and lend mine to you as well. With the benefits of a few more weeks of "experience" on you, you will start to feel better. Try to draw those boundaries and keep them. At this point, he's not coming to you to try to reconcile and until then, you have to believe what he's said to you when he left and how he's doubling down on those words with his actions (still speaking to OW, moving out, etc.). Continue to GAL as much as possible, especially in areas that make you feel confident and give you a sense of accomplishment. He's made these choices and now needs to live with the consequences of those choices. These are all things I remind myself on the daily. It's not easy, but it's all you can do to keep afloat.

[daisy82]

Hi all,
I just found this site and Michele's book last week.
This is my first post & I'm hoping to get some clarity, guidance, perspective.

July 21st after a small argument, not speaking for a couple of days, my husband told me he's miserable & I made his life miserable & wants a divorce.
I had just gotten home from work when he came to the bedroom & dropped this bomb.
He started to walk out & I asked if he had nothing else to say & couldn't we talk about it?
He didn't want to, but allowed me 5-10 minutes where he proceeded to blame me for all of his unhappiness, then left. He came back the next day, didn't say a word to me, nor I to him, got a few things & left.
Came back the following day to water, get some things from the garage & left.
I heard nothing from him until the following Tuesday when he told me he was going to an attorney to start the process & would like to be fair.
What would I like moneywise, assets. BTW, we just bought a house 3 months ago.
I didn't respond because I was actually going to counseling that day & wanted some direction before I responded.
My therapist suggested I simply ask to talk in person & leave it at that. I did & he said no, there's no going back just wanted to know what I wanted in the divorce. I said ok & do what you need to do.
He proceeded to text me a few more times over the next couple of days with the same & tried to ignore him until I finally told him to stop & give me a chance to see an attorney as well.

He came by the house on Saturday to get more things from the garage. I only heard him when he was in the front of the house & looked out the window just in time to see him flip off the house. I texted him that if he wanted to be civil, why would he do that? He responded angrily that now I was crying (when I looked out the window I was crying & had been before he got there) but wasn't emotional when he left.
As I mentioned we just bought a house & are in the middle of renovations.
I had just gotten the a/c repaired after it not working for the last 2 months & hearing it on made him angry. He believes the length of time it's taken to complete projects is all my fault (indecisive).
Now that he's left I'm on the ball & get the a/c fixed (hence the finger). We proceeded to go back & forth over text & I finally just called him & asked him to talk to me. He was angry & said he hated our relationship, I was controlling.
He said I never let him make any decisions in our old apt. & thought things would change when we bought this house.
Our sex life was pretty non-existent, said I hated his friends (a couple, not all), the city we live in (not my first choice, but getting used to it), we didn't have kids because I was too controlling. I have a son from a previous relationship and once my son hit 19, he left the house & went to live w/ my parents.
Now he says, I let my son leave when he was still in high school (not true) because I didn't like the way he parented my son. I always thought he was a little too hard, but acknowledged I was just being overprotective, but never stopped him from parenting because it wasn't abusive/harmful.
Outside of my dad/brothers, he is the only father-figure my son has & has been in my son's life for more than half of it. Sex & choices on the house I knew were an issue, but the others were all new to me. We ended the conversation with him saying he's sorry it has to be this way, but he was filing. I texted him after that I loved him & was sorry I didn't make him happy. He texted he loves me too, doesn't hate me just the relationship & is sorry its come to this.
Some relationship backstory... We've been together 14 years and married almost 10 (in Sept). I thought we had a good relationship, not perfect, but laughed a lot & truly enjoyed being w/ one another.
He left one time before about 7-8 years ago for a few weeks, but came back.
We briefly went to counseling, but really only tried to work on our communication ourselves, which I thought we were. He has been stressed. His mother who he was close to, passed away in '09 & this Jan. his father was diagnosed with dementia. B/t his sister & himself, they've been trying to care for their dad, who still lives alone but is declining in certain aspects. He & his sister constantly fight over his father's care.
He's had a lot of built-up aggression & started individual counseling, anger mgmt classes about 1.5 years go. It's been inconsistent though.
Add the stresses of a new house, renovations & our own marital issues & he blew.
The initial "small" argument was that we were supposed to travel to his friend's wedding.
I was responsible for booking travel. It was expensive, but offered to pitch in because I knew it was important to him. Was prolonging it in hopes of finding a deal but hadn't recently communicated that. Two days before he left, he told me to stop looking & we weren't going. He didn't want to look dumb & cancel at the last minute. It's a petty reason, but I really believe w/ all of the stress he was looking forward to this trip. When it didn't happen, he was upset & all of that highlighted my flaws.
Since our last phone conversation, he filed on 8/31 - I looked it up online. I believe (not 100% sure)they tried to serve me 2 days later.
I was in the shower & could hear the doorbell ringing (we never have visitors).
By the time I got out, no one was there. It's been a week & I'm just waiting for them to come back. In 2 weeks, my son is moving 5 hours away to finish school.
He texted if he could come by to discuss the sale of the house but I told him I was busy w/ my son's move. I also still haven't received any legal counsel & said once I get through this move, I will deal w/ the divorce. He said fine, but he's only seen a paralegal & was trying not to go the attorney route, so this would be civil. He has also not even bothered to call my son, which is really hurtful. I would normally say our son, but based on his actions, it's too painful.

Like many, this severe reaction is coming out of nowhere. I knew some of these issues, I just didn't know how deep they ran. His lack of interest in trying to work things through, go to counseling, which he says we've tried (yes, 8 years ago for 3 sessions), is shocking to me.
My first reaction was an affair, but I looked through our phone bills & nothing too suspicious (although he has since removed his phone from the family account).
He doesn't go out at night or on weekends w/out me that would cause suspicion.
I'm not ruling it out, but I'm also trying not to focus on that too much either.

I love my husband & would love nothing more than to reconcile & work on our marriage.
I know my part in this.
I also know, I have little control in that aspect, but with the filing it all seems to be going so fast. I haven't had any communication with him in a week and have little hope.
As I approach the 3rd week since he's left, I'm slowly picking myself off the floor and trying to GAL (counseling, reading the book, had drinks w/ friends).
There is zero communication, but I know I will have to text him about the mortgage payment.
He makes it & it hasn't been done. I'm dreading a response that he will not.

I apologize for the length, it just spilled out.
Thoughts, insight, suggestions are truly appreciated.

LAJar,
I'm with you. We have a lot of similarities. (I believe) My husband started his EA in late June/early July, we bought a house on July 28 and he moved out, after I exposed his EA and told him to leave since he didn't want to stop, on August 9. I have no advice to share, since I am literally in the same boat, but just wanted to tell you I'm here for you.

daisy82, thanks for the response. At a time when we should be the happiest with a new home purchase, it has added a whole new set of problems to this horrible situation. A bit different and I don't know which is worse in that I have almost zero contact with H and feels like he does it because he's in new R & wouldn't want to cheat on her with me - or - you still having contact with husband all while he cake-eats. Guess they're both just as bad in their own way. I appreciate the support and lend mine to you as well. With the benefits of a few more weeks of "experience" on you, you will start to feel better. Try to draw those boundaries and keep them. At this point, he's not coming to you to try to reconcile and until then, you have to believe what he's said to you when he left and how he's doubling down on those words with his actions (still speaking to OW, moving out, etc.). Continue to GAL as much as possible, especially in areas that make you feel confident and give you a sense of accomplishment. He's made these choices and now needs to live with the consequences of those choices. These are all things I remind myself on the daily. It's not easy, but it's all you can do to keep afloat.

Thanks for the support. You can read more about my situation on my post on the Newcomers board.

You're absolutely right. The new house purchase definitely exacerbates the situation. I have been pouring myself into upgrading the house, painting, decorating, etc. He has been telling me he's really impressed by it. On one hand, it makes me feel good to hear that - but on the other hand, I get very annoyed because I'm doing this all alone and he should be here working on the house with me.

[LAJar]

LA

You sound pretty good right now. Remember that It's not a linear process.

Oh how I wish it was, because this up and down nonsense is draining. I can't imagine feeling this way for months(years?) on end.


You will have peaceful days, good days, and you will backslide or something will trigger you.

Recently I think the upcoming year milestone has triggered some old feelings in me (and it's raining, again, outside. I miss the west coast weather and my older kids)

The other trigger for me is that our big hearing is in a month, and a lot of my financial future hinges on it.

I can definitely see that these looming events are having an effect. Who can blame you?! However, if the hearing goes well financially, I think that will do you a world of good. I can't imagine feeling tied to H so completely in that way. Having someone so unpredictable responsible for your finances is not a way to live. Don't be too envious of the west coast weather, it's been in the 100s for the last few days.
Yes I have made progress. I have let go of the desire for a reconciliation, about as much as is possible.

I am excited about my own future, *starting it for real, without the financial sword of Damocles over my head. I'm ready to date without a big fat chip on my shoulder. I've been asked out and think I'll start accepting the invites.

I really really want this divorce process (legally/financially speaking) to be over.

The certainty of a budget will free me a lot. The job market here is hard for an out of state lawyer (hiring freeze for the feds) but I'm working on getting something b/c I need the structure (and the income) and I look so forward to not needing h for money!

It's really the last tie he has over any of us. Several months ago, d20 told me she did not want to have to speak to h and that "after he pays for college I'll have no reason to speak to him again." I told her that her dad loves her and she (and her siblings) ALL asked me to stop saying that and not to defend him again. They were clear.

My youngest child (for whom he cut off college funding, though we paid for the older 2) was awarded a huge cost reduction for college, which was SUCH a relief and gift from the God. I can't even express that enough. (And my s31 spearheaded the application for us and did 90% of the work). It's a load off my mind and a huge stress relief for her, and she has been troubled in the past. Things like that help a lot.

I'm proud of my son and grateful my kids are close to each other and we are all tight. What a blessing.

H's loss & he doesn't even know it.

It is completely H's loss. He may not see it now, but maybe when he's older and things aren't going so well for him, he will realize. I have a friend who has been divorced for 9 years. Her H had been cheating on her and it was clear that wasn't going to stop. When her D was 8 months old she filed. She told me of interviewing L's with an 8 month old in a carrier and sometimes driving away because she was too scared. She finally did and was able to forge a new life. After suffering depression and anxiety, she finally came out the other side. A month ago, her Ex-H was diagnosed w/ cancer. It brought him to his knees. They've had many soul-baring convos since then and after 9 years, he finally apologized for all of the mistakes he's made. It's sad that's what it took, but I guess better late than never. He is lucky his D is willing to forgive and move on, as he was a less than stellar father as well. Maybe your H will get to that place and if he does, hopefully your kids will be open to him (if only for themselves). It should make you feel so proud to see them come together not only for each other, but for their mom as well. I know seeing my S's protective nature come out, has made me feel unbelievably good. Same for my family. They have stepped up in a big way and given so much support. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Sure, I struggle with the injustice of it all. (The last week has really been a drag. Lots of rain and medical bills from last fall that are still unpaid. I hate that)

At night it's worse for me b/c I let my mental guard down. I do the cognitive work in the day that reminds me of what real unfairness is like to get perspective.

Of my 5 closest lifelong friends, 3 are facing major challenges in their lives (a double lung transplant & rejection, a friend who lost her son last fall to an unknown heart defect, and my dear friend who I'm meeting tomorrow, has cancer.

Whereas I sometimes think there's so much uncertainty for me, relatively speaking, I'm in good shape b/c I know my divorce process will end at some point, and I won't be so poor that I'll be on the street (I am getting half the pensions and they are arriving now, finally). And I feel my health is mostly restored. I'm around the corner from good things.

And I have health insurance too, and family and close friends are in the area and very supportive.

I'm working through a lot of changes that happened in a short time, and I will NOT repress or pretend it does not hurt or infuriate me. I don't want anymore secrets or shamed silence.

But I also won't wallow or stay stuck or become bitter. I'm a good person with a lot to give and I believe I have a lot coming my way.

I do think this is half the battle. There were two playing a part in the marriage breakdown. With that being said, you're a good woman, wife and mother, who wants the best for your family. Any man would be a fool not to see and appreciate that. You are smart, resourceful (getting through all that you have, you'd have to be) and will turn the corner once this is all done to a healthier, happier life. I'm sure of it.

H has some defects I must have avoided or deflected from. Or been blind to. I will figure that out.

I also became far too complacent about the m recently, b/c I think I believed that once D20 was out of the house, we would address what we each wanted. We once had a very good m, and knowing that makes it harder at times, to see it end. Or to realize the future you planned is not to be. At no time did h say he was unhappy or wanted to change anything. Not once.

I think everyone has defects, but maybe the good outweighed the bad? Or at the point you are already married and realize that, you find ways to work around them. You weren't so quick to abandon the marriage as he has done. I think a good majority of us are guilty of being complacent or we wouldn't be where we're at now. Without good communication on both sides though, how do you know the severity of the situation? If there are issues, they always need to be worked on in the now and most times with a professional. I have to say, this does concern me for any future Rs. How will I ever trust any R is on solid ground? I thought we were with just normal R issues. Never did he tell me he was so unhappy. I feel like I will always have that in the back of my head and feel on edge for any other man. God help them.

I mistakenly interpreted h's work ethic and intelligence as meaning he had character or was honest. I know with all my heart I'd never have done anything like this to him or our kids.

When I feel there's an "equation" to this that I am "losing", I remind myself of my own loyalty and what he lost, and I realize, (usually) that I probably dodged a bullet.

My brother tells me that all the time. He says better to know now, rebuild and live a happy, secure life from here on.

His recent behavior has benefited me in 2 ways. I am not looking over my shoulder trying to dance for him to come back. No thanks.

And the mourning I was doing, has been propelled forward like a rocket. If he can behave this way, I'm so ooooo not interested in going backwards. Being without him or any man, is better than being with someone who could do these things.

When the money piece is complete, I don't think I will look back much at all.

You sound as if your eyes are open, but the new account he opened is something to watch. There is no "good" reason for that. Sorry.

New Ow's need attention and that means money, and if they are planning a life together they may justify keeping all the money.

This may have been someone else, because H and I always had separate bank accounts. He only opened a new cell account. There still is no "good" reason for that other than him not wanting me to see who he's calling, but I digress. Yes, OW definitely needs $. A quick Google search of her name showed she makes 1/3 of what he does (public info since she works for a pub school). I will never stop being amazed at what Google reveals on a person's background. Anyway, I'm sure she's loving that and he's loving being the big spender.

We had a lovely home i did not feel we could afford when we bought it.

Both older kids recall hearing ME saying I thought we were "Biting off more than we could chew" but h insisted b/c the "land will double in value".

He was wrong. It's not factually important now but he put in his legal pleading that I "made him buy it". Aside from not ever being able to make that cheapskate buy anything he did not want to, it's just weird.

It is such a distortion of reality/history. I mean, it's the opposite of true.

My point is they can do some serious marital revisions and that means they can justify things you'd never believe.

sorry to be scaring you b/c I believe a truly honest appraisal of our marriages in light of these betrayals is at first devastating and can bring you to your knees.

This isn't scaring me, but is just sad. I've already seen him do this with his declarations of how miserable he's been and how it's been over for a long time. I know he's has to say this to not only justify his indefensible actions, as well as prove to the OW. Don't get me wrong, it's hurtful, but not even close to being 100% true. Unhappy at times, yes. Unhappy only with just me, no. This is from a man who has had a lot of loss in his life he's not dealt with and issues in our marriage we never confronted. He's running and I know this, but until he comes to me - NOT MY PROBLEM.

Later, with some time and insight, and a lot of work (as you see here), we tend to WAKE up for our lives and live them more authentically and fully.

I'm DOING more than I did before my mom died, and I love more people and an connecting meaningfully.

I'm nearing the time of enacting my "new life" trying to get overseas.

I just did not think this divorce would take so long. If you can get some money (not more than half since that's his)

to prepare for the possibility that your h may go a bit bonkers, you might have more peace of mind.

Bluewave's h had an affair and returned and they are now in "piecing" trying to rebuild their m.

Will definitely take a look at least to read a positive turn and curious what that has brought to the mix.

Check out her thread so that If you and your h try to reconcile down the road, you'll have some guidance.

My h & I reconciled for years but I never asked him to get IC. I wish I had. Not that he'd have had the awakening I thought he had, but maybe the truth is that he really did not place a big priority on family time.

He evidently prefers living on the tundra - even before the OW (I think) and living away from us in other states or cities, was his preference. He wasn't that into 7 days a week parenting.

Seems obvious now...so maybe knowing this 10 years ago would have saved me time, but as my T says, "regrets are counter productive once you know what you would do differently."

IC is something I think my husband needs now. He's extremely inconsistent (once every 4-6 months, what's the point?) and believe he doesn't go now because he doesn't want to face the mirror. If your H would have gone, it may have revealed the truth early on, but it also may have allowed him to do things in a better way. It's bad enough the M is breaking up, but the hurt is compounded by how they've treated us and the kids in the process.

And that's something I need to be disciplined about. Re-framing my perspective and reinvigorating my faith.

Keep posting, hang in there.

I'm still sad, but hanging in there. You too. You're so close to some real closure.
((( )))

[LAJar]

daisy82,
I had actually read your post awhile back and remember relating because of the recent home purchase.
I can't afford to buy my husband out and don't think he can either, but I also will NOT allow him to live our life in this house with OW. Since he's left and couldn't care less about the house other than paying the mortgage, I am finishing up some final renovation projects we had planned. It is sad and upsetting to be doing these things alone, because we had planned these projects together. Even though we're going to sell, I'm doing them to protect the value of the house. It's amazing how little he cares about that.

It seems as though you are in a state of limbo, with your H's back and forth. If things progess to D, will you still keep the house? From your post, you have resentment for his lack of involvement. Has he indicated he's considering a reconciliation?

[LAJar]

I'm sorry, LAJar. The WTF shock of realising you are dealing with someone very different now is hard and painful. I would never have believed ny H capable of doing some of the crazy, horrible things he has done. But it doesn't change the reality of what you need to deal with. Detachment really helps, but don't worry that you'll dip in and out. It's really early days.

The WTF shock is right. Small things are making sense now. During the 1st week, he came by periodically even when I was home. That stopped shortly thereafter, then he'd only come by when I wasn't home. He was still coming by to water, put out the trash or bring the cans in, then that stopped. Outside was his domain & he stopped caring. There was a complete stop to any reconiciliaton talk. His complete detachment from me and the house was astounding, but the OW is the clear answer now. I'm not blind to think she fell out of the sky a week after he left. I think as he started to feel upset with me, he started to get brave on his new FB page. It allowed him to start investigating what was out there. So completely out of character for the old him. To feel like he's throwing our relationship away for someone who will give him all of the sex he so craves, is horrible. That realization is difficult for the dejected spouse no matter H or W.
I hope detaching helps, but I know it can't carry on this way. I think it will piss him off when he doesn't hear from me what I will be doing next & because I blocked his phone. He knows I was speaking to a L on Friday & he's probably expecting an update so he can move his agenda forward. That's not happening.

[daisy82]

daisy82,
I had actually read your post awhile back and remember relating because of the recent home purchase.
I can't afford to buy my husband out and don't think he can either, but I also will NOT allow him to live our life in this house with OW. Since he's left and couldn't care less about the house other than paying the mortgage, I am finishing up some final renovation projects we had planned. It is sad and upsetting to be doing these things alone, because we had planned these projects together. Even though we're going to sell, I'm doing them to protect the value of the house. It's amazing how little he cares about that.

It seems as though you are in a state of limbo, with your H's back and forth. If things progess to D, will you still keep the house? From your post, you have resentment for his lack of involvement. Has he indicated he's considering a reconciliation?

I don't think we plan on selling the house. He is giving me 1/2 of the mortgage and our kids live with me. He has absolutely not said anything about considering a reconciliation. When I 180, he pursues me... then I fall into it because I love and miss him -- but he still leaves our house every day to freely call his long-distance EA OW.

[LAJar]

Update: Feels like weeks have gone by since my last update, but it was only Sunday and so much has happened. I told myself I wouldn't look at his FB pages until at least after the weekend. I should have waited even longer... Saw more pics of a weekend getaway to Vegas w/ her mother & her BF. He "had" a tattoo of my name on his arm, which I never asked him to do. I believe he's already removed it. For some reason that was a huge blow. Feels like he's trying to erase me and anything having to do with me from his life. Luckily I saw this yesterday, which was the same day I had my 1st DB coaching session. Prior to the call, I did a good job of talking myself off the ledge and also spoke with another L. Interesting that this L didn't see as confident on some things as the other. I still need to speak with one more though.
As I said, I had my first coaching session and it went well. Much of it entailed me relaying our story and how I/we got to where we are. The coach believes he's going through a MLC. I thought that at first, but wasn't sure if I was just trying to make myself feel better. Ha! As if that's possible. Anyway, with our only communication being H texting to ask what I'd like from the divorce, the coach gave me a mantra to repeat to him - I'm sad that you feel divorce is the answer to our R problems. I do not agree with that. However, if you feel you need to do this, I will not stop you from doing what you need to do. I'm paraphrasing, but it will be helpful should we communicate. It let's him know my stance and puts the ball completely in his court. Since I haven't been served, I'm in limbo, hoping every 15th of the month, he pays the mortgage. I don't know how long I'll be able to go on like this...
H is in complete euphoria (limerence?) w/ the OW. From what I can see, they are doing fun things, new things. It's great for now, but I know things are going to start getting heavy for him. Maybe, maybe not b/t the two of them, but at least for him emotionally. Part of his issues are what he hasn't dealt with, with his father. He is always super emotional because of that and definitely added to our situation. With FIL's dementia and no IC, the situation will only continue to get worse. This is how I always took care of him. Of course, right now that's not my job. It's just hard to realize that.
IC for me tomorrow, so that's always good. I feel like my life now revolves around therapy, divorce and relationship talk. I'm off to the gym - first time back in about 4 months!