My husband filed for divorce

[25yearsmlc]

if things deteriorate in the conversations, marital revisions, blame assignments, etc

If he says something with validity about a mistake you made

you can say "H, I'm sorry I hurt you. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently".

If he says something you really STRONGLY disagree with or do not recall it at all, you can say

"h, wow I don't recall it that way but I'm sorry it hurt you. I'm sure If I had it all to do again, I'd do that differently."

these are not doormat statements but they show your willingness to change.

make sense?

[LAJar]

One last thought. I ended up blocking my H's number from my phone. I have asked him not to call me before work or at work - it really just ruins my day because the calls are never pleasant.

what is his response to ^^^this?

I'm sure he's not even aware yet. I can go for a week or more without hearing from him (I leave him alone), then he'll randomly text.

Do you answer the emails sooner? How is that different? I'm asking. If you are "caught" in a conversation, let him know that you are "still processing this and will certainly give it some thought" and keep repeating that if he persists. It's not a weird angry response, assuming your tone is civil.

We rarely emailed one another, so that was just a thought of how he'd contact me if he needed to. The texts are so immediate & right in my face, it causes me to have a physical reaction. I feel like I can choose to ignore the email until I'm home and can then respond. In almost 2 months, I've had 3 phone calls, 1 face to face and the majority are texts, so tone usually isn't a factor. I will say my tone hasn't been great. Since we've had little contact, I tend to react & that's how I got the partial answer of the PA. He's also trying to broker some kind of deal w/ me based on numbers he thinks are real and fair. I'm tired of "hearing" it. I know I will have more clarity once I speak to an attorney. I have a consult tomorrow and one on Tuesday.

Not sure if you are a spiritual person but if you are, try this exercise so that you can lessen the pain you are in AND more calmly respond to him.

When you are alone, turn it over to the Universe or God or whatever term you are comfortable with.
Think out the words & then say them - "God, I turn my pain & anger over to you."

Say it out loud and hear yourself say it. I used to do this when I expected h to call me or the kids. I'd do it in the shower so no one thought I was losing my head.

I would say it 50 times and when you think it, say it and hear yourself saying it, It sinks in. I calmed down enough to cope with a short conversation with h.

I am spiritual, so I appreciate this method. I will definitely try incorporating it into high-stress situations.

That ^^^was a change for me. And having civil conversations rather than arguments is simply more pleasant and clearer. You can later, build on that. This change in YOUR response will do more to show change in you, than any words you might have wanted to say.

It's odd. I'm mad about the PA, but feel like I can detach more now that I know and try to answer in a more civil manner. It will take some effort though because his approach is condescending in when he discuss $, he says he's "willing to give me XYZ". As if he only gets to call the shots because he's the higher earner.

Also, the more you challenge your h's choices, the more you force him to defend them them. This tends to cement his decisions.

Most definitely, although I feel like any answers/choices I have that are counter what he'd like always result in him saying I'm controlling (one of his issues w/ me). I don't know how to get around that. I won't take his advice on D issues.

Any arguments in favor of staying married - are going to be wasted on him at this time.

And they are usually counter productive, (hurts the cause) rather than just ineffective.


I can't stop him from calling my office phone, but I can stop his calls to my cell. If he needs to contact me, he can always email.

These calls aren't productive and really just consist of him asking what I'd like from the divorce, then me getting upset. I'd rather not.

IF you agree to answer the emails within a reasonable amount of time, then treasure him that you are not ignoring his messages BUT that his calls at work are "distracting".

I absolutely would agree to answer at the end of the evening. It's hard to concentrate at work as it is, but a text interruption takes it to another level.

Don't point out your pain to him.
Guilting him will backfire and frankly, it's not going to attract him back. Most men are uncomfortable when their wives cry, and they tend to flee faster.

Yes, I've realized this very quickly. He's called me a victim many times. He doesn't consider what he's doing an A and says if I need to think that to make myself feel better, then so be it.I'm sure next to the other, I look like a whiny, needy, nag.

Again, refer him to your need to take some time to process this, as it's a very important decision for both of you. And if you see a L, ask them about disclosing things. One thing I've realized is that treating my L as if she's my T, is expensive and not helpful. Talk emotions to the therapist and the law/legal strategy with your L.

Great reminder. I'm sure it's easy to slip into that for someone who's willing to listening at $$$/hr.

PLEASE get as much information as you can asap about where you both bank, get some pictures of his pension and info re the 401k, any IRAs, cars & collections, savings, personal property value,) what YOU contributed to the renovations and such.

This is the most important financial transaction of your life. Be informed. See a L and realize that knowledge is power. His anger is not relevant to protecting your life and future security. Besides, when the dust settles the tempers will lessen.

Better to be financially secure and risk a bit of awkwardness at future events, than being ripped off and resentful the rest of your life.

My controlling nature (as far as H is concerned) works in my favor here, because I research and prepare so I feel comfortable. He has not only distanced himself from me, but also my son (his stepson) and we have no other kids together. Any interactions after this would be initiated by him, which I don't think is likely, so the dust isn't a concern right now.

what is your goal? To protect yourself? Okay. There is nothing vindictive there. Watch the tone you use with him. My DB coach used to say to "act as if the sedative you did not actually take, is kicking in."

Protecting myself really is the only goal. I take two steps forward, then have a neg. interaction w/ him and it's 10 steps back. I've lost 15 lbs. since he left (I know not all bad, but not in this way), my sleep is horrible and I'm just trying to get back on track.

There is power in the economy of words. Don't waste your breath. Calm interactions and you ending them first b/c you are busy GAL and being upbeat, will model the changes you want to make.

Wooooooo... upbeat is hard when you're bitter. That is my goal to work on my tone. I guess fake it til I make it.
I told my dad and brother and they both thought that would make him really mad. I don't see why I should care, but I'm not trying to antagonize. Thoughts?

See above. You will never regret behaving in a strong & dignified way.

It is my attempt at being dignified and self-protection. There is nothing dignified in knowing your husband has moved on so quickly. However, if I reinforce all of his issues with me, I know it only makes the other look shiny, new, perfect and not me.

Hang in there. It gets better!

Thank you 25. You're words of support are invaluable! This forum and all of the posters lending words of encouragement, is the best thing when you need to get something off your chest or need some urgent advice. I know I'm just beginning, so I do hope it gets better. Thank you again.

[LAJar]

In our last text exchange after some back and forth, I was able to do that somewhat. Acknowledged I was lashing out because I was hurt. Apologized for the hurt and lack of SL (another of our big issues). Said I know he must have felt like I didn't want him and certainly didn't make him feel good about himself. Again, apologized. He apologized too. I asked him a ? and he never responded, then later he posted that picture. I feel like I tried and it really got me nowhere. He knew I would see the pic, if not me directly, then someone would tell me. Humiliating. His behaviors show such strong anger and resentment for me. It's how I've seen him behave with other family members who he has long-held resentments. Odd to now be in that same place. I'm rambling...

Should a conversation arise, that would allow for these statements, I will try. I have set this as another goal.

Re. the coaching, I was wondering if it would even help in my case. I know many feel like all hope is lost, but my husband also has no contact & filed. $ isnt tight yet, but something I don't want to squander. I would be willing to make the expense if the consensus is that it will be beneficial, in addition to my regular IC.

[25yearsmlc]

I think it will be beneficial. For me it was the single most useful advice, and I also had a good T and did a ton of GAL.

DB coaches (in my experience anyhow) tailor the advice to your situation.

My instinct is to go with a woman if you can, (but maybe that's just me feeling more camaraderie with another wife.)

It's about the same cost as an out of pocket T, and you know they are pro marriage.

Mine was not pro m - at all costs, and that matters too.

[LAJar]

Even before I had a chance to read your response, I registered for 3 coaching sessions, so I'm glad I did. It is nice to have confirmation from someone who has utilized the coaching.

I had my first consultation with a L. It was eye-opening. I didn't realize how expensive this can potentially be, for the L alone. I also had my suspicions confirmed in terms of what I'm entitled to, including alimony. I had no clue that was something I could possibly receive, simply due to the length of time we've been married. After this, it's insulting when I think about what he keeps offering.

I had asked about mediation options & this L said she probably wouldn't be able to represent me since we've already met. I guess it's a preference (?), but a completely neutral party would need to handle it. I have another phone consultation on Tuesday and this firm offers mediation as well. Frustrates me a bit because H says he'd like this to be amicable and in my mind that means through mediation. I believe he would like us to come to an agreement independantly and file papers using a paralegal. This seems ridiculous and not entirely smart if I agreed to it. What has he bothered to understand about the process? Not much I think. He's only gotten as far as filing, but has done nothing else. It's in my nature to research and be informed, he calls that controlling. I've stuggled with this because this should be an obvious 180 (not smart, but obvious), but I can't bring myself to act in this way. I'm not necessarily speaking of this particular instance, but scenarios involving $, which was our issue, how do you do something differently? H is impulsive and I'm more cautious and we usually never agreed on the right direction. He says I usually won because I was controlling.

[25yearsmlc]

glad you saw a L and are getting some coaching.

BTW, a divorce L (not the one I hired, in a different city) once told me that mediation helps the higher income earner more than the lower income earner.

Just saying -- and I'm sure that depends in part on legal fees.

The other thing I've learned, and I'm a L myself, is that "winning" in court is not the same as winning in real life. I have had 3 rulings in my favor but h ignores the court orders with impunity. It's not like on TV when a defendant is in contempt and gets jailed.

The judge usually scolds them and MAYBE makes them pay all the legal fees. Big deal.

My h hid money and still is. Claims he retired but I have photos of him working and then he says "the money is gone" and unless I pay someone to track it all down in another state (pricey) and attach it and then impose the judgments against it and force the sale,

you get the picture. So I'm saying a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

My goal is to get all of the retirement nest egg even if it's less than h would have paid b/c then I'll know it's safe and he won't be able to take it all.

But my fear is that he already has. The irony is that he will inherit millions when his father passes, so it's just selfish greed and a huge sense of entitlement on his end, that is hindering this from moving forward. I had no idea what contempt he had for me or our m. And he cut off our youngest's college tuition too, saying he can't because of the spousal support he is NOT paying me. (Yes, I often want to scream). His behavior still makes me reel, maybe it's the OW or maybe it's his vilification to justify such cad like crap. Who knows?

Learn from my experience. In the last month when we were still together, I got very sick and was hospitalized.

So I was too out of it to protect myself. And boy am I paying the price. So are our children.

Protect yourself AND YES assume your h has made plans b/c he's already trying to buy you off at a steep discount. And he's rushing you too. There are reasons for what he's doing. Sorry.

[LAJar]

glad you saw a L and are getting some coaching.

BTW, a divorce L (not the one I hired, in a different city) once told me that mediation helps the higher income earner more than the lower income earner.

I could see that. I don't want it to get any uglier than it already will be and thought mediaton would help. I wouldn't compromise on the pension either because I know that's more beneficial long-term. I'm not underestimating my husband, because who knows him anymore, but he is not that financially savvy. I just wouldn't be surprised if he does not much for anything that would require some effort.

Just saying -- and I'm sure that depends in part on legal fees.

The other thing I've learned, and I'm a L myself, is that "winning" in court is not the same as winning in real life. I have had 3 rulings in my favor but h ignores the court orders with impunity. It's not like on TV when a defendant is in contempt and gets jailed.

The judge usually scolds them and MAYBE makes them pay all the legal fees. Big deal.

My h hid money and still is. Claims he retired but I have photos of him working and then he says "the money is gone" and unless I pay someone to track it all down in another state (pricey) and attach it and then impose the judgments against it and force the sale, you get the picture. So I'm saying a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

Your experience thus far is horrifying. With all that your H has put you through, the hits don't stop. He's gotten what he wants, living his life where he wants and with the one he wants, it's hard to understand the continued animosity.

My goal is to get all of the retirement nest egg even if it's less than h would have paid b/c then I'll know it's safe and he won't be able to take it all.

But my fear is that he already has. The irony is that he will inherit millions when his father passes, so it's just selfish greed and a huge sense of entitlement on his end, that is hindering this from moving forward. I had no idea what contempt he had for me or our m. And he cut off our youngest's college tuition too, saying he can't because of the spousal support he is NOT paying me. (Yes, I often want to scream). His behavior still makes me reel, maybe it's the OW or maybe it's his vilification to justify such cad like crap. Who knows?

My H will have a nice inheritance as well from his father. Not letting go of the pension seems like just a stupid power struggle. Nonsense. As a mother, I'm sure his treatment of your kids is probably most hurtful. I guess your daughter/tuition is just collateral damage in his quest to hurt you.

Learn from my experience. In the last month when we were still together, I got very sick and was hospitalized.

So I was too out of it to protect myself. And boy am I paying the price. So are our children.

Protect yourself AND YES assume your h has made plans b/c he's already trying to buy you off at a steep discount. And he's rushing you too. There are reasons for what he's doing. Sorry.

Unfortunately, I will learn from your experience. I am going to protect myself and anything I compromise on will be because I want to compromise. It won't be because I am being forced to or for lack of knowledge. His reason is he needs to ride off into the sunset with this person who isn't controlling and takes care of all of his sexual needs (i.e. not me) and that needs to happen now. No need to apologize, it's the truth. I wish it wasn't, but it is.

Curious, after almost a year since you filed do you feel like you've made any progress in healing? I was reading your most recents posts and seeing all of the major life events you've encountered. I hope you feel proud that you're still standing, working to get through this and make a new normal for yourself.

[Treasur]

You're being very wise, LAJar. The truth is that, right now, your H is not going to act like the man you knew. He may steal, lie, be unreasonable and try to bully you. He may even do things that don't make sense at all. You can't control that but you can use your own brain, objective advice and a bit of detachment to make choices which make sense for you.

From reading D stories here, it seems to go one of two routes. Either they file and then seem surprised by the reality of it and drag their feet. Or they jump in and run full-speed and get angry that you're not responding in they way you should according to the plan in their head.

[LAJar]

You're being very wise, LAJar. The truth is that, right now, your H is not going to act like the man you knew. He may steal, lie, be unreasonable and try to bully you. He may even do things that don't make sense at all. You can't control that but you can use your own brain, objective advice and a bit of detachment to make choices which make sense for you.

I'm really trying, Treasur. When I think about his choices and how he has flown into this relationship, it drives me into a big funk. And yes, this isn't the man I know/knew. It's amazing to think he said he was so unhappy with me and even miserable, you don't think any of that requires IC? The answer is to jump into an PA? Yes, I'm rational and know this makes no sense. It's just so difficult to see him throw our relationship away. I just got back from visiting my grandmother in the hospital and she doesn't know about us, so of course she was asking questions about H. He normally would have been there to visit and I think that's why I'm swinging back into sadness. I know this is my new reality, when I have memories of what used to be and that just [censored].
This doesn't change my plan to detach a bit and protect myself. A minor setback, I guess. I just hope I'm really dealing with the reality of it all. I feel like I might be pretending I'm feeling better and once things move forward, I break down.

From reading D stories here, it seems to go one of two routes. Either they file and then seem surprised by the reality of it and drag their feet. Or they jump in and run full-speed and get angry that you're not responding in they way you should according to the plan in their head.

My H is somewhat in between right now. He filed within 10 days of leaving and wants me to follow his plan, but he still hasn't served me. When we spoke about all of this, I asked him to table the divorce and give us a few months to work on things. He was firm in saying the D was happening. At the time, the PA was only a suspicion. His firmness, shutting down any reconciliation, the invalidation of our R, now all seem like he's doing it for her - what he tells her about our R and why he's in such a rush.
With that being said, I don't want this D, so I'm doing nothing to move it along. I will not file a response until I'm served. I still don't understand what's the hold up in serving me, but I don't understand much of what he's doing.

[daisy82]

Hi all,
I just found this site and Michele's book last week.
This is my first post & I'm hoping to get some clarity, guidance, perspective.

July 21st after a small argument, not speaking for a couple of days, my husband told me he's miserable & I made his life miserable & wants a divorce.
I had just gotten home from work when he came to the bedroom & dropped this bomb.
He started to walk out & I asked if he had nothing else to say & couldn't we talk about it?
He didn't want to, but allowed me 5-10 minutes where he proceeded to blame me for all of his unhappiness, then left. He came back the next day, didn't say a word to me, nor I to him, got a few things & left.
Came back the following day to water, get some things from the garage & left.
I heard nothing from him until the following Tuesday when he told me he was going to an attorney to start the process & would like to be fair.
What would I like moneywise, assets. BTW, we just bought a house 3 months ago.
I didn't respond because I was actually going to counseling that day & wanted some direction before I responded.
My therapist suggested I simply ask to talk in person & leave it at that. I did & he said no, there's no going back just wanted to know what I wanted in the divorce. I said ok & do what you need to do.
He proceeded to text me a few more times over the next couple of days with the same & tried to ignore him until I finally told him to stop & give me a chance to see an attorney as well.

He came by the house on Saturday to get more things from the garage. I only heard him when he was in the front of the house & looked out the window just in time to see him flip off the house. I texted him that if he wanted to be civil, why would he do that? He responded angrily that now I was crying (when I looked out the window I was crying & had been before he got there) but wasn't emotional when he left.
As I mentioned we just bought a house & are in the middle of renovations.
I had just gotten the a/c repaired after it not working for the last 2 months & hearing it on made him angry. He believes the length of time it's taken to complete projects is all my fault (indecisive).
Now that he's left I'm on the ball & get the a/c fixed (hence the finger). We proceeded to go back & forth over text & I finally just called him & asked him to talk to me. He was angry & said he hated our relationship, I was controlling.
He said I never let him make any decisions in our old apt. & thought things would change when we bought this house.
Our sex life was pretty non-existent, said I hated his friends (a couple, not all), the city we live in (not my first choice, but getting used to it), we didn't have kids because I was too controlling. I have a son from a previous relationship and once my son hit 19, he left the house & went to live w/ my parents.
Now he says, I let my son leave when he was still in high school (not true) because I didn't like the way he parented my son. I always thought he was a little too hard, but acknowledged I was just being overprotective, but never stopped him from parenting because it wasn't abusive/harmful.
Outside of my dad/brothers, he is the only father-figure my son has & has been in my son's life for more than half of it. Sex & choices on the house I knew were an issue, but the others were all new to me. We ended the conversation with him saying he's sorry it has to be this way, but he was filing. I texted him after that I loved him & was sorry I didn't make him happy. He texted he loves me too, doesn't hate me just the relationship & is sorry its come to this.
Some relationship backstory... We've been together 14 years and married almost 10 (in Sept). I thought we had a good relationship, not perfect, but laughed a lot & truly enjoyed being w/ one another.
He left one time before about 7-8 years ago for a few weeks, but came back.
We briefly went to counseling, but really only tried to work on our communication ourselves, which I thought we were. He has been stressed. His mother who he was close to, passed away in '09 & this Jan. his father was diagnosed with dementia. B/t his sister & himself, they've been trying to care for their dad, who still lives alone but is declining in certain aspects. He & his sister constantly fight over his father's care.
He's had a lot of built-up aggression & started individual counseling, anger mgmt classes about 1.5 years go. It's been inconsistent though.
Add the stresses of a new house, renovations & our own marital issues & he blew.
The initial "small" argument was that we were supposed to travel to his friend's wedding.
I was responsible for booking travel. It was expensive, but offered to pitch in because I knew it was important to him. Was prolonging it in hopes of finding a deal but hadn't recently communicated that. Two days before he left, he told me to stop looking & we weren't going. He didn't want to look dumb & cancel at the last minute. It's a petty reason, but I really believe w/ all of the stress he was looking forward to this trip. When it didn't happen, he was upset & all of that highlighted my flaws.
Since our last phone conversation, he filed on 8/31 - I looked it up online. I believe (not 100% sure)they tried to serve me 2 days later.
I was in the shower & could hear the doorbell ringing (we never have visitors).
By the time I got out, no one was there. It's been a week & I'm just waiting for them to come back. In 2 weeks, my son is moving 5 hours away to finish school.
He texted if he could come by to discuss the sale of the house but I told him I was busy w/ my son's move. I also still haven't received any legal counsel & said once I get through this move, I will deal w/ the divorce. He said fine, but he's only seen a paralegal & was trying not to go the attorney route, so this would be civil. He has also not even bothered to call my son, which is really hurtful. I would normally say our son, but based on his actions, it's too painful.

Like many, this severe reaction is coming out of nowhere. I knew some of these issues, I just didn't know how deep they ran. His lack of interest in trying to work things through, go to counseling, which he says we've tried (yes, 8 years ago for 3 sessions), is shocking to me.
My first reaction was an affair, but I looked through our phone bills & nothing too suspicious (although he has since removed his phone from the family account).
He doesn't go out at night or on weekends w/out me that would cause suspicion.
I'm not ruling it out, but I'm also trying not to focus on that too much either.

I love my husband & would love nothing more than to reconcile & work on our marriage.
I know my part in this.
I also know, I have little control in that aspect, but with the filing it all seems to be going so fast. I haven't had any communication with him in a week and have little hope.
As I approach the 3rd week since he's left, I'm slowly picking myself off the floor and trying to GAL (counseling, reading the book, had drinks w/ friends).
There is zero communication, but I know I will have to text him about the mortgage payment.
He makes it & it hasn't been done. I'm dreading a response that he will not.

I apologize for the length, it just spilled out.
Thoughts, insight, suggestions are truly appreciated.

LAJar,
I'm with you. We have a lot of similarities. (I believe) My husband started his EA in late June/early July, we bought a house on July 28 and he moved out, after I exposed his EA and told him to leave since he didn't want to stop, on August 9. I have no advice to share, since I am literally in the same boat, but just wanted to tell you I'm here for you.