My husband filed for divorce

[AnotherStander]

I will only stick to the D, selling the house. If he brings up our R, what do I do with that? Do I avoid the topic?

It's OK to talk about it if he brings it up. The rule of thumb is not to initiate any R talks, but if he brings it up then it's fair game. Regarding WHAT to say to him, I'm sure at this point he's completely focused on D, so just say something like "this is not what I want but I understand that you do, and I will respect that and support you in your decision." This is what we call "opening the cage door". WAS's often feel trapped, but if we can open that door and show them that we're not standing in their way then they feel there is no pressure anymore and no need to push the D through quickly (or in many cases, push it through at all).

Since yesterday, my brother decided not to call him after I told him about the text.

Good. He's likely to see any talks from anyone as pressure.

He has in his head we've tried in the
past, but that I never made any changes. He made it seem as if we had gone to continuous therapy sessions & it just didn't work.

WAS's all rewrite history. It's part of this. Just tell your son you are there for him no matter what and will support him. Do not try to make your H out to be the bad guy. Your S will figure that out for himself (sounds like he already has).

My son said he only spoke about the D and doesn't seem like he wants to try.

Yes, all part of the script. It'll be that way for a long time.

I will hear his suggestions and say I'll have to think about that & will get back to you.

Good approach.

One odd thing, I was concerned he wasn't going to pay the mortgage, but I looked online & he did.

Great! Hopefully he will continue to do so, but keep in mind he may be doing that to appease you to get you to agree to ridiculous D terms. Have your guard up.

[LAJar]

UPDATE: H had texted me last week to see if we could meet presumably to discuss D. Previously had told him I wanted to get through my son's move before focusing on D, so I offered to meet up today on my day off. He said sure. Well, he never followed up with me to meet. I am really confused by this.

My son moving and H leaving has left me with a huge sense of loss. I was extremely emotional and anxious in the days leading up to the move. My brother came to help and on our ride back we talked about my situation. He was aware that H had left before in 2011, but I revealed another situation involving what H told me was just inappropriate emailing w/ a female online. He and my brother are/were friends, but obviously he's seeing some things in H that he never thought were possible coming from him. Getting his perspective left me feeling actually pretty good. I don't know if my H is having an A, but I'm not ruling it out, just also not focusing until I have proof. I also can't see another reason why he would cut all ties with me other than the occasional text. I haven't actually seen or spoken to him in almost a month. If he comes by the house, he only does so when I'm not there. He has taken no interest in the house and its upkeep (other than mortgage, for now) - all of that rests on my shoulders.

He's not around to see 180s or me GAL, so I don't know where this is going. If I continue to just wait to hear from him, how long is reasonable? He filed on 7/31 and possibly tried serving me once, but nothing since then. It may have been he was being nice and letting me deal with the move, but today's lack of response leaves me wondering.

My therapist knew I we were supposed to speak and he said it was appropriate for me to express to H how his actions have left me feeling. Not getting into the good/bad of the relationship or behaviors, just where I am at. Any thoughts on that?

[LAJar]

ANOTHER UPDATE: H and I met up yesterday. He texted in the morning asking to meet and said he had been waiting to hear from me since I had been out of town. Not happy with this since this convo will only be about D & I feel like if this is what he wants to discuss, he needs to follow up.

Anyway, we met. He started by asking how my son's move went. Said it was fine but didn't offer much else. He started on in that he thinks we need to sell the house. I said I wanted to discuss somethings as well & it was't about the D. I stuck to how I felt, but the minute I said I was confused, he was incredulous that I'd be confused. I took responsibility for my issues & acknowledging the hurt. He brought up his revisionist history about our prior therapy, which was a total of one marriage counseling session. Then he said I know it takes two and I cop to 50% of the issues, but when I say I'm miserable, what more is there to say. We went through a whole host of issues, including our lack of sex life. We were not arguing but he made it clear he was done and doesn't see any need to try. He said he feels like he's had enough. He said you don't think we've tried and I said no. He said fine then I'll take responsibility for that, that will my blame. I told him I wasn't blaming, I just felt like our marriage deteriorated and needed effort to repair. I also said I feel like you don't love me anymore and that's why you are unwilling to try. He said all that's happened, how do you continue? I said it's clear you don't love me. And he said, ok, ok. It was him admitting, yup, I don't love you and that's why I don't want to try anymore.

I let him discuss what he thought about the house/our assets. I told him I needed to still speak to a lawyer before I could say what I wanted. He's willing to still pay for the mortgage for the time-being. He hasn't bothered to look into anything other than just the basic filing. We might face penalties because we're selling after we've only owned it for 4 months. After renovations, if we make a profit are we subject to capital gains? So many things that he hasn't considered and I told him it's not fair for me to absorb those expenses. It sounds like he's gotten some advice, but I'm not sure from whom. He said if we go to court, the money is gone. He wants to be fair and give me either half or all of the profit from the house. I said what about our debts - I took out credit for appliances. I said and what about the pension. I said I don't know if I'm eligible for your pension and the minute I said that, he was mad. He had been very calm until this point, almost as if he had been coached to be calm so I would be agreeable. Again, the minute I said pension, he was angry. He is willing to give me money from the house but not his pension. I just said I need to talk to an attorney.

Things are bleak. I don't have any hope not hearing that he loves me. He didn't say it outright, but said after all of this, why should he? I know I violated all sorts of DBing rules, but this was the first time I have spoken to him in over a month. I feel lost and not sure where to go from here.

[Treasur]

You do need to talk to a L. It doesn't commit you to action but you need information. You don't have to do everything right now, or decide, or figure it all out, but you need info.

I'm sorry. I know this is grim but right now, for whatever reason, this is not your H and you can't trust him to treat your needs with as much respect as his own.

You can't control what he thinks, feels or does but you need to look after yourself and your son. I'm sorry that this is where you are and we all know how painful it is. But you must put your needs first.

[LAJar]

Treasur,

I hear you. It is painfully obvious that he has tunnel vision for this divorce. I am working on the lawyer now and hope to have a meeting within the next week.

Today I had an early morning IC appointment. I always look forward to these, my therapist has been another outlet, but is really focused on me taking care of myself and only reacting to what I have control over. I went over our meeting and told him how I felt there was little hope. He has also encouraged me to see a L. As we're ending the session, I hear a couple of text coming through on my phone. I check my phone when I leave at it's my STBX. He cheerily wishes me a good morning and proceeds to tell me he's asked our mortgage broker about penalties for selling early. Said we won't have any after 6 months. He'd like to "give" me $70k & he'll take over the mortgage. We agreed to sell, so I'm not sure if he's now saying he wants the house. Either way, I want to sell it. He thinks he's throwing me a bone and isn't even bringing up his pension. I can already see this is going to get ugly. That's not my intention, but I also feel like if I'm entitled to some of his pension, then why shouldn't I get it?

I told him once I spoke to a L, I would let him know. I also asked him not to text me before I go to or at work because it just ruins my day. I'm frustrated he is just disregarding that and won't contact me for anything else other than the D. If that's the case, just leave me alone.

Frustrated, heartbroken, angry and tired.

[Jim1234]

I'm pretty sure you are entitled to 1/2 the appreciation of his pension over the time you were married. I expect he's thinking "if I give her $70K for the house, she'll be happy with that and not push for the pension." I think he has a rude awakening coming when he finds out just how much he's going to owe you in equitable distribution.

Definitively see a lawyer.

[LAJar]

I believe I am entitled to 1/2 as well. He doesn't want me to take any portion of the pension which is why he's trying to offer the $70k he feels is fair. Again, he's pulling these numbers out of the air. He has no clue what our house is now worth after renovations. I see him thinking I am making this ugly because I'm trying to get what the law allows. After I pay back my 401k loan which we used for the renovations, that $70k will be cut down severely and this is all he thinks I should get. I've been with him for more than half of his time at his current employer. Why shouldn't I be entitled to his pension?

I will be calling a lawyer tomorrow.

[Treasur]

I think your L will explain that 'made up numbers in your H's head' are NOT the same as the law...much as your H may disagree!

[BluWave]

Hi LAJar,

Just read your thread; ugh, this sounds really, really hard. I am sorry to read all this. It must be terribly painful! He is moving at lightening speed, has essentially abandoned his step-son, and is now pressuring you to take what money he offers you. Yikes, this guy is a bit off his rocker, isn't he! I am glad the other posters are here and imparting their wisdom. It is really hard to be in your sitch because he is so out of line, however he holds (or thinks he does) all the power and so you can only look at and change your part in this. I say this because while we can focus all day on you (as that is all you can do), clearly this guy has some big issues.

I don't have a ton of advice because I am not sure there is much you can do right now. He is on the war path, and so all you can do is step back and protect yourself. I would not talk to him about D anymore or agree to any of his BS propositions. You are no dummy. Even if it feels to go against DB rules, protecting yourself and your finances always comes first. It is okay to tell him firmly "H, I am not willing to discuss this right now." You honestly don't owe him more explanation than that. You have already told him that you don't want D and are willing to work on the M, so he now knows, and there is no reason to repeat it--anything more will be perceived as pursuing and will serve to only push him away. As AS stated, when you "open the cage door" and they realize you won't stand in their way, sometimes they feel safe and back down a bit.

I am glad you are seeing an IC that you like. You need support right now! Please continue to take time for you, lean on your trusted family and friends, and work on those 180 and GAL. Sadly, these sitches can take a long, long time. Your H can try and expedite this and throw tantrums, but he is not above the law. Sounds like he has a pattern of bottling up anger, lashing out, and running, and so know that those patterns in him will repeat themselves until he is willing to do the work and take a long hard look at himself. That is not your circus--and not your monkeys--and you just do your best to push him to the side right now and keep your focus on you.

I think continuing to go dark and avoid future meetings is your best bet right now. Let him initiate all communication. And when he does, I think you should only give him a couple minutes of your time--listen, validate, and exit. He is not safe for you emotionally right now and appears to be a ticking time bomb or trying to manipulate you to get his way. I also think it is okay for him to worry you are moving right along without him, I wouldn't want him to think he can treat you this way and then just walk back into your life.

It is hard to switch the power dynamic when someone walks out on you, but it can be done! Hold your head up high, know your worth, and you keep treating yourself (and allow friends/family to) the way you deserve! This guy is acting like a big jerk and so I am glad you are not pining over him and I wouldn't want him to think that either.

Blu

[Tobias]

yes, please do talk to a lawyer. You can always weigh whether you want to ask for everything that you are owed versus "playing nice" but especially since he lost his cool it comes across to me as someone who thought he could trick you into accepting something that SOUNDS nice but is only a fraction of what you are owed.

This [censored]. I am sorry.