For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids including a baby.
Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. And imo, we cannot detach without GAL.
I believe the more you overcome inertia, and feel detachment, an ironic by product will be better R's with all people, including your w.
All of these upped my self esteem.
Okay so I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.
I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it). I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
*I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.
*Rehearsing one night, I realized it had been hours without me thinking about H or our m, or doing any obsessing, & that was huge. Even more importantly, I learned to be IN the moment. When you do live theater, You cannot waste time regretting a missed cue earlier, and you have to think on your feet and ad lib and not think about the next act or anticipate things. There is only "now" and you make the best of that moment.
It's a wonderful important experience, and lesson for life I think.
*I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well and again, you are in the moment and reacting to the audience, so you perform and listen. And the more you learn to laugh at things that would otherwise make you uncomfortable, the smoother a lot of life becomes.
You have probably heard that the line between tragedy and comedy is a fine one, and it's true.
I learned to cross country ski, became a better downhill skier.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at shooting. Learned some patience too, and respect nature more.
I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding it. Jetskiing is great if you are near water in a warm place.
Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. Ground school for flying challenged a different part of my brain, as did learning to fly. Jim - I know you have the height issue/fear, but thing is, flying a plane isn't like peering over the edge of a bridge. Know what I mean?
And I edited a hunting book for a hunting guide/friend up there. The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?
I worked out 3-4 times a week, and got in excellent shape. As you know, Looking good makes a world of difference to us. Found a (female) work out partner and began socializing after the work outs. As you mention, the endorphin affect matters.
I was trying to lose the baby weight and It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark cold Long winters. Totally worth the efforts. In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me feel more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps me feel better.
I saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.
Took a pottery class (very different and unlike me to do, but my friend needed a pottery partner and I'm glad I went. I liked it a lot & took another class last winter.
Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty. I Wish I had joined sooner. I met two women who got me thru a dark time and are life long friends to this day.
Joined a writer's group Took a class in Conversational French Took a class in Italian cooking
There is more, but these are all things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training/skydiving, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.
If you like music, check that out.
Good luck.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks all, and especially 25yearsMLC-- that's an incredible list of accomplishments/acitivities... you must be AMAZING (and your H a real shmuck to let you get away!)
Thanks everyone for all the good suggestions. Maybe I'll get up in the air after all...
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Want to hear a funny skydiving story? I have told a million times on here, but it is a great story.
My first skydive was with my ex. In the air, before we jumped is when he asked me to marry him. He went first, I went second and lo and behold, on the way down, my chute didn't completely deploy and the guy I was tandem with was freaking out a bit. He fixed it thank God and said "that was a close call"
You would think I would have paid attention to such a large sign from above, huh????
As far as activities that build your life and self confidence.... I began with kickboxing. About 4-6 months after he left I too up kickboxing classes. I brought My then, barely D1 with me. What a stress reliever! It's very empowering. I have been doing it ever since, on and off barring injuries.
More recently I joined a co-ed volleyball team. Even funnier story.... my ex was playing on this league and asked me last year if I could still play. I told him I thought so. Well, they needed a woman sub else they had to forfeit, so I did it. I absolutely loved it. So I joined myself this year. I was having a great time, got along good with the guys on my team. It's sand volley ball courts at a bar. After, me, the guys, and D9 would have something to eat and a beer and I was really having fun. Then the second night..... I tore my ACL and meniscus and I am currently out of commission and will be having surgery on the 18th. And even better, my exH now took my spot on my team! D9 and I still go and watch and hang out with the guys after. Luckily, exH just goes home and doesn't hang out.
Group stuff really helps. I am a social person. I am fueled by human connections and conversation. So it has been good for me. My league also has skee ball. I might have to do that because I really can't hurt myself playing skee ball, right?
Ohhhhh, I also joined a group fitness place close to my house last September. It's the same people every class and they engage in a lot of activities as a gym outside of class too, like fundraisers and runs, and going out nights. I made good friends there and found my last boyfriend there. It was a great way to connect and get my exercise in.
I got back in shape. You're already doing that and that is great!
I bought a motorcycle. Still have it, love it, she hates it, I'm never giving it up. It's my time now.
I got back into guitar playing. Then I put out an ad in craigslist for other middle aged musicians that had given up playing years ago. I was just planning on putting together a 3 piece band and needed a bass player and drummer. I underestimated the demand for something like this. I got 30-40 replies which turned into a regular jam session and get together. We all formed little bands here and there where we interchange people and we blanket our area for open jam/open mic nights and perform just for fun. It's an absolutely blast.
I do have to admit that I also went for lunch or coffee with members of the opposite sex. Not really dating, kept it friendly and very casual, but if I had been so inclined it definitely could have turned into dating. What that did was make me feel like a man again. That was probably the biggest confidence booster throughout the whole thing. I HIGHLY recommend it.
I bought a hybrid bicycle (trail/street). I still ride all the time and enjoy it quite a bit.
I like to rent kayaks at a local place and kayak down river. If a friend could go that was great but I went alone quite a bit. It's just you, the kayak, your paddle, and the river. The company transports you up river in a van and gets you started and then you paddle down river back to their place. They have 10 mile, 20 mile, and 50 mile trips. I LOVE it. My wife and I go now and we both love it.
That was the majority of my GAL. I really had a personal awakening when my wife crushed the core of my being. I know this for sure. My personal happiness and wonderful life will NEVER EVER AGAIN be dependent on anyone else but me. Never.
Thanks, all, for the suggestions. Some of these I am already doing and others look really fun/intriguing. I am becoming more and more convinced that I need to just move on and, if she "comes back", she comes back. But it is very hard.
I am wondering how I should go about doing that, however. I had a really good catalyst with the discovery of the second burner phone and the continued contact, but now I am just kind of in limbo. While I still can't say I would trust her, she came to me completely contrite sounding/appearing and has to all appearances finally cut contact with OM completely, and is acting like it (sulky, bluesy, mopey, cranky, etc.) She voluntarily turned on the tracking feature on her phone, and is checking in with me whenever she is out "on her own" or late getting back from somewhere. OTOH, since that tumultuous week with the discovery and then my confronting OM, she has been much more distant. She had been showing increasing warmth and friendliness in the two or three weeks prior (which she has said-- who knows-- also corresponded with her "trying" to get to a complete cold turkey cutoff with OM). She is also not saying she wants to try to "figure us out" as she had been right after the phone reveal but before I confronted OM. Now she seems to want to, as she says, "just let Monday be Monday and Tuesday be Tuesday" without specifically talking about where we are headed.
I have not been aggressively pursuing her, but have been trying to be friendly/open/warm/cheerful when we are around each other, but she has definitely backslid into "don't touch me it seems weird, don't compliment me it doesn't make me feel like it should, don't be nice to me it seems forced" territory at times. This is in fairly sharp contrast to where she had appeared to have "gotten to" about three weeks ago. She talks about needing time to figure herself out but then spends TONS of time talking to her wayward bff on phone. (Was going to go to parents or else down south to beach by herself for a weekend while I was away with S18 this weekend kayaking/camping but then ended up having to see the bff with another friend Friday on her way down-- she did stay in regular touch with me to let me know where she was and what she was doing). And I know bff is no friend of mine or the marriage. She has, OTOH, on her own initiative stopped by twice in the past week and half to my regular watering hole where I go regularly on Thursday to finish up my telework day on the outdoor patio with live music and sometimes on other days if the mood strikes, and we have had fun both times. (And, interestingly, she noticed and has continued to comment on that one of the waitresses/bartenders there is interested in me-- which I had considered a possibility though discounted because much younger woman but W is like "oh yes, definitely, she does NOT like it when I am sitting there with you") But... limbo. And don't see us making any progress. Maybe she is just mourning OM, but doesn't seem (or feel) healthy for me to be sitting here in this place. It hurts and is dragging me down. Problem is, now I feel like I'll be the jerk if I flip flop on her (and that is the "yo-yo" she has already complained to me about) if I say "You know, I just can't do this". Prolly the best bet I'm thinking is to just tell her "look, this isn't working, I think we need some time apart" but... I've kind of given away the initiative and the moral high ground, unfortunately, by "letting her back in" so to speak.
Confusing place to be in. Can obviously keep taking care of and growing myself-- Actually thinking of leaving the house to live out of a tent for week, just for the hell of it and because I was reminded while with S18 this weekend how much I enjoyed sleeping outdoors-- but going to have to resolve the short term dynamic between W and myself fairly soon, because I don't think the stagnancy is helping either of us. Just wish I knew something that might shake things loose.
In some ways, this feels worse than when I knew she was actively involved with OM. And I am not sure I could tell you why, but it does.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I have not been aggressively pursuing her, but have been trying to be friendly/open/warm/cheerful when we are around each other, but she has definitely backslid into "don't touch me it seems weird, don't compliment me it doesn't make me feel like it should, don't be nice to me it seems forced" territory at times.
Sure sounds like pursuit to me. Why are you still pursuing her? Again, IMO your best bet to reconcile is to separate.
Sure sounds like pursuit to me. Why are you still pursuing her?
Am I? I mean, I'm not asking her out, I'm not texting or calling her for the most part, though I am responsive--usually after a delay-- when she does to me. I initiated ONE relationship talk because it had to be brought up-- we left a lot of stuff "hanging" in the aftermath of last week and she had asked me a couple of times "where I was" previously and I had put her off. I've complimented her a couple of times when she looks nice (which is always, and which is something I would think I'd do these days for anyone I am close with when they looked nice), but haven't been lavish or over the top or flirtatious.
At this point am I supposed to be a d**k-head to her? Serious question....
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
At this point am I supposed to be a d**k-head to her? Serious question....
Jim, no one said you have to be a d**k-head. How about indifferent? I don't know about you but "don't touch me it seems weird" sounds creepy stalkerish stuff.
IMO you still think you can nice your way back with her and IMO of reading on these boards and living it myself for almost three years it's not gonna happen.
Why are you having all this interaction with her??? You should be passing her briefly maybe once a day exchanging no more than "hey, how's it goin'..." as you walk away and go off and do your thing. Dude, you've done nothing but interact with her and you see where that's getting you. Go interact with other people. Go do things for you. Be awesome. She'll see it and respond.
