Next phase: Divorce and Acceptance

[ciluzen]

So happy you got your pup! Tthat must be so nice after such a long time away from ech other. Happy for you!

[pinn]

Brings a tear to my eye... so happy for you!!

[Pax_luv]

Hi guys!
Another weekend is upon us! Yeah! It's supposed to be hot and muggy where i live, and that's fine with me. I decided to work from home this afternoon, and took my lunch break out by the pool. It was super nice!

I am counting down the hours till I get to go pick up the dog. I get a twinge of anxiety everytime I think about having to go to the house, but oh well. in an attempt to remedy the feelings, I busted out one of my fave books that talks about the importance of presence. And if you are feeling any emotions of negativity, you aren't living in the present. It also has a lot to do with ego. I appreciate reading and reinforcing these learnings, but putting them into practice does seem daunting at times.... It's just easier to hang on to the negative feelings as a clutch, right?!

On a positive note, my two year anniversary of separation came and went and I didn't even remember until after the fact. The thing I'm most proud of is the fact that I've been practicing the DB principles since the day before I moved out and I havent "consciously" reverted back to anti-DB habits. It's pretty cool. People are recently actively commenting on the transformation I have undergone in my life. While, it isn't new for me, I realize that I've been at it long enough that it is now engrained in who I am- PMA, solution oriented, GAL, "act as if" queen.

So, that's about it. I just finished my second 60 day gym challenge and am continuing to do the workouts. Upper body strength is great, so now I need to focus on the abs and booty. I'm hiking my Whitney in September so I need to start training for that.

All in all...life keeps moving right along.

Wishing you all a lovely and joyful weekend!

[bttrfly]

Yay puppy time! I'm so happy for you Pax! You've worked so hard and it shows xoxoxo

[pinn]

Enjoy!

[kml]

My. Whitney! You go! When my ex had his affair and I was DBing my heart out, part of my GAL was training to climb Whitney. It really helped to take the focus off my marriage problems and by the time the climb arrived we were reconciled and he hiked it with me. It was a great trip and I'm so glad to have the memories. (Even though he relapsed into MLC a few years later and we are now several years divorced).

I used to do practice hikes with a bag of kitty litter in my pack.

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Bttrfly! Just one foot in front of the other! While I still get irked with ex. I allow him to go all Tasmanian Devil... And know with 100% certainty that he can blame me all he wants and run my name through the mud, but it's even more interesting now that he's going absolutely berserk over something that he's made up all on his own. Just goes to show you how mph narratives play a role in our life.

As always, thanks Pinn. Another fun weekend of puppy time. This sounds kind of weird, but I can actually make my dog smile and laugh. Its true! We play this "paw" game and he loves it. I didn't play it with him last weekend, but did this morning and got some good grins out of the guy. I loved that he remembers our game as I'm the only one who can get this reaction out of him.

Hi, KML! Thanks for stopping by. I actually remember your Whitney training from when I read your posts. So cool! I'm excited and nervous but I'm going with a physician and a few others so im hoping I'll be in good hands! I hope your trek was magical. I'm in So Cal so I've got some elevation training hikes planned in the next two weeks... One including Mt.San Jacinto.

[Pax_luv]

Greetings from the outside. . It's a gorgeous day where I live so I'm taking my lunch break outdoors in the sunshine.... Something I never do!

Been musing about my sitch a bit. What Ive learned is, no contact with ex is the greatest thing and is something I wish i had implemented right at the get go. I kind of believe things would have played out a bit differently if i had. Instead, no contact was established by ex 17 months after separation out of disdain for me, but oh well.

Having to see him every week with the dog swap is awful... Granted, I don't speak to him nor does he to me, but it just puts me right back where I don't want to be. It's like having to hold your hand near the hot fire without actually having to put your hand in the fire. It stinks, but it must be done for now. Having my time with the dog is worth the temporary emotional dip.

All these "blah" feelings then makes me feel like I'm not as far along as I thought I was. I still care what ex thinks of me. Which is crazy!!!!! <--- this is what I keep trying to work through. We've seen each other 6 times now with the dog swap and I just have to scratch my head thinking how in the hel! Can he STILL have this much hatred towards me??? I have to keep remembering that its not my job for him to like me or be nice to me, but I'm still trying to push those feelings aside.

I don't think there's anything else I can do to move through these feelings except wait it out and continue to try to be the best person I can be... Not sure there's much more for me to do except give the sitch time. I've been looking for more books on the subject. I got so engrained in learning how to save the marriage, which was a great learning, but now I need some good education on how to move on. And yes, I deliberately said move on because Ive moved forward so much that I feel it's time to forget about the past. <---this is a super new way of thinking for me.

Which leads me to the next phase in all this- A couple weeks ago, I joined match.com. Not my thing.... But I'm giving it a whirl. Had a really nice date last night with a guy that I've been talking to for a bit. Divorced, dad of 2.... He's awesome, but not for me long term as far as I can tell. Not forcing anything and no expectations! I'm just not sure how much effort to put into these meetings. Anyway, His wife was ww because he became a doormat. He shared some details about feeling emasculated in the relationship due to his people-pleasing approach and she fell out of love with him. Hmmmm. I feel bad for him because this dynamic plays out all the time. What I appreciate is, he took the time to work through his stuff like all of us here, and is actively approaching things differently. self awareness is sexy! I may have crossed some boundaries last night and recommended he read no more mr nice guy. I feel bad when it came out of my mouth, but he was looking for self help book suggestions. Ah well!

So that's it for now. Got a busy week ahead and hopefully another decent match experience.

Have a good one!

[Coly23]

Hey Pax, it's great to hear you reconnecting with your puppy and I love the fact that you can make him laugh! If only we could have YouTube links on here I would love to see that!

I hear you on NC being the best thing for you. If has taken me just over a year to get it and now I really do. I feel so much healthier and happier since I stopped contacting H to meet up. Every time I saw him it just took me back and undid all my good work towards detaching.

Looking forward to hearing more about the dating and I think you are right to just take it easy. You sound really good Pax. I am looking forward to getting to that stage, hopefully soon!!

[Pax_luv]

Thanks Coly, for the words of encouragement. Oyyyy it is a process.

I also wish there was a way to share some of these things... Like my doggy you-tube video (which doesn't exist, but maybe it should). We get so invested in each other's lives, it would be nice to have that deeper connection. On the other hand I totally respect and appreciate the anonymity.

With that, I just want to share something kind of funny, kind of not so funny. I NEED to get my spending in check. I think right at this moment, I'm worse than the MLCer. It feels like I'm dumping money on tons of fun things, but I need to whip myself back into shape. Starting right this very second. I'm telling you all so you can help keep me accountable!

My big problem right now is clothes. Gah- so many clothes! As you know I've been working out religiously since January so needless to say a lot of my clothes don't fit the same or are just too big in general. I've been slowly getting new things that fit better but havent gotten rid of the old clothes since my weight still fluctuates with my misc muscle gains and losses.

So, on top of work clothes, I've also been investing in quality workout clothes because I now realize what the difference is between regular work out clothes and quality clothes. That sounds sooooo pretentious, but it makes a big difference. I don't buy lululemon... That's far too rich for my blood, but I'm spending more than i usually would. On top of that, since I work out 2 times a day... I need double the wardrobe and this includes socks, sports bras, tops and bottoms. Eesh!

And then on top of that.... With my new dating life, I also bought some cute clothes for going out.

And then at the same time, since I do have a new body, I've sexed up my wardrobe a bit in the pajama department, and even with the work clothes too. Not too revealing or sexy, but enough to feel confident. You know, pencil skirts, heels, etc.

So, yeah, it is a new PAX, I just wish she wasn't this expensive especially when my lawyer bill last month was 3,000. Ouch.

So the goal on Saturday is to get back on the konmari method and let some of those objects go that don't being me joy or make my butt look good haha.
The goal will be at least one full garbage bag stuffed to give to good will. Hopefully, I exceed that goal.

Meh... Just sharing real life. $$$$