words of affirmation are compliments. To me, it's the easiest LL to give.
Give your w a compliment without it being sexual (which is usually b/c the guy wants sex and doesn't really count as words of affirmation but more manipulation)
and try not to stare at her after you compliment her, as if you are awaiting reciprocity.
You can tell her she's good at X at her job, or she's really a loyal friend/great sister or thank her for a gesture or time of hers, towards you. Don't come up with these out of the blue. They must be authentic and timely.
WHEN you hear that she has done something kind for you or someone else, whether you heard it from her or elsewhere, you can mention her compassion or loyalty/"you're a really good friend to do that for Sally"
when she does well at a project at work, mention her hard work & discipline or her clever or creative problem solving, (no negatives about how the boss "finally" sees her value, just the positives)
And do not pause after you say it, as if you want a reward. Do not do this b/c you want something FROM her.
You are giving something to HER - b/c you love her. Right?
Learning this^^ skill of authentic compliments for all of your r's is important and it costs you nothing.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have been giving compliments like that to her. I guess I was more on the lines of thinking words of affirmation like telling her how pretty she is and things on the more intimate side. But I need to realize that those compliments can come later, right now I just need to maintain positive compliments and comments to her. Like yesterday I complimented her on how tan she looks. And making her laugh a few times was nice to cause that hadn't really happened since she left.
==I guess I was more on the lines of thinking words of affirmation like telling her how pretty she is and things on the more intimate side.==
I think you're misunderstanding what "words of affirmation" means. They are words of encouragement, not so much compliments on her appearance. For example, your W mentions some accomplishment at work and you tell her "that's fantastic, I've always been impressed with your work ethic!" or she mentions how she helped her mom plant flowers and you say "that's great, you have always been such an awesome daughter to your parents, I bet that made your mom's day!" In other words, when she tells you something she did then turn it into words of affirmation. Here's the example given in the book:
==One way to verbally affirm your spouse is to give encouraging words. Allison always wanted to be a writer, but after receiving her first rejection slip from the publisher, she gave up. One evening her husband Keith came into the den and said, “I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your article. Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have got to submit this stuff to some magazines.” “Do you really think so?” Allison asked. “I know so,” Keith said. “I’m telling you, this is good.”==
Quote:
==Like yesterday I complimented her on how tan she looks.==
I would stay away from the physical compliments for now, and probably for months. Read the chapter again on WoA and try and come up with a game plan for how you can fill that love language without introducing a sexual component into it.
Quote:
==And making her laugh a few times was nice to cause that hadn't really happened since she left.==
Laughing is good. But like 25 said, just don't attach any expectations to it or micro-analyze her reactions!
I'm Micro analyzing again after what she said today. She said For Now this is the way it needs to be For Now..... first time she's ever said something like that. I'll try not to read into it too much
Still waiting for it to get easier seeing her steadily move her stuff out several times a week.
Boy I hated that too! Once she finally got all her stuff out it got a lot easier though. Once she does you can talk about boundaries, let her know it's not OK for her to just come and go as she pleases anymore (after she gets all her stuff). The boundary W and I came up with was she needed to text before she came over, then knock before coming in. I told her it was OK for her to come in after knocking, she didn't have to wait for me to open the door for her. But I felt like the knocking was a way to let her know it wasn't her house anymore. I of course extended the same courtesy to her when I went to her place. In fact all these years later we still do that when we go to each other's places- knock then walk in (that probably sounds strange to a lot of you!) Hang in there, you'll get through this!
I should add that we still have shared custody of S14, the vast majority of the "knock then walk in" visits are because we're taking S14 back and forth. We don't just casually go to each other's houses and knock and walk in and say "hey, what's up?" LOL! It probably sounded like that though!
I just got a text earlier from W saying she just moved most of the rest of her stuff out today. I didn't even respond to that text, is that bad? I honestly have nothing to say to that. It's just crazy how fast she's moving, it's only been 5 weeks and she's basically moved completely out and is acting like let's just move on and forget about the past 5 years. Just makes me wonder if there's more too what's going on with her "old friend" than she's telling me. She's making this way too easy just to up and leave like she is. But again her response to me the other day when she said "For Now this is the way it needs to be For Now" is really puzzling me?
I would not respond to her text. And as far as what she said about "for now", I'll repeat the saying that we beat to death around here- "believe none of what they say......." She's just trying to make her exit as easy for her as she can by letting you down gently. That's not to say she won't turn around later, but right now she is headed away, so don't put false hope into that statement.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
