[quote=Stunned]Yeah you're right it's a angry hurt reaction and the fact the friends are telling me I need to if they are angry at her, factor that in with their "advice". They mean well but everyone on the DB site has to distance themselves from friends who are not on board with trying to salvage the m.
is why it's putting the thought in my head. The house is only in my name and I bought it before we were married. Sounds as if it's yours then. Your w has nowhere to go but to her parents. That's sad but it's reality.
Can you paint a room or decorate something to make it more your own now? I don't think that would hurt your w so much as clarify that she's moving out and you are moving on which does NOT make you less attractive...
she'd need to know your m would be different/better than before, to want back in.
What are you DOING (not saying) to show that you are changing/growing in some way?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The miscarriage was April 24th, and I too can see her reaching out to a man for that reassurance as well and that's what frightens me. They started talking in February so even during the pregnancy she was talking to him. what were you two up to then? B/c you mentioned something happening in February in an earlier post but I don't recall what it was, specifically.
[/color]Before I had posted what she wrote in a valentines day card for me, She said how she loves me more everyday I hope this year brings us ever more joy. Thanks for being such a great husband.[color:#33CC00]
She said she has known this guy since she was a teenager so I'm sure it feels good to her for a guy that probably had some sort of crush on her reunite with her. As far as the physical side she was allowed by the dr to have sex 4 weeks after the miscarriage so she could if she wanted to.
Okay not to be too graphic, but I've had 3 kids. (And I like sex!) But that ^^ timeline only means it's safe then, not saying it's comfortable. [/color]I agree but she puts a lot of weight on the intimate parts of a relationship. so thats what worries me.[color:#33CC00]
But I'm praying that isn't happening. Maybe like you said she could still be self conscious of her weight and not ready to meet in person but I fear that they have.
where does this fear lead you? I mean I GET IT. I know the mental movies of seeing my h of 35 years and only lover for 37, with OW.
If I let it in my heart, it would kill a part of me. But I detach enough to say "wait a second, this cannot be of more value than our m. This is new. This cannot be about me/us. It's so over the top - (& the unique m circumstances of each m etc)"
and this^ helps me stay out of the darkness. Our s31 said "good riddance to lunacy" and it helped me to hear someone who loves us both, get me to a point where I could see that this was not anything I could control AND THEREFORE I had to let go of it.
Put a STOP SIGN in your head if you need to, and redirect your thoughts. Water off the duck's back.
You have to. For you.
[/color]You're completely correct the images will eventually destroy me so I must realize I cant control what shes doing I can only control myself and to stop going down dark alleys. [color:#33CC00]
Either way I must detache and I'm not sure I should bring it up to her again cause she now at least a least knows I am aware of OM. DETACHING will help you avoid a counter productive talk about OM. She knows you know. What is your goal about discussing it? I am not saying there's never a reason, but you better darn well know what your reason/goal is before you blurt out something.
Issue NO ultimatums unless you are 100% positive you will enforce them. I don't think or feel you are near being positive.
As for Detaching, I just don't know how to do it without GAL. One leads to the other and it's GAL first, detachment second.
What are your GAL?
[/color] My GAL has been working out more even tho I've always worked out. I've been doing projects around the house. My big one right now is building a 30x18x12 garage. Spending more time with friends and going fishing more as well as mountain biking more.[color:#33CC00]
And she knows how I feel it was very disrespectful to talk to him behind my back. So maybe that'll make her think more about it. But I'm still on the fence about changing the locks?
changing the locks is a bad idea unless you have reason to believe she's taking things that belong (& matter) to you.
If she takes pictures of you two, that are "yours"< do you really want to stop that?
But sure, if she's taking valuables or such, then okay and change the locks.
But there's no way that she will feel closer to you for doing it.
Not saying you'll never reconcile down the road, just saying it looks punitive unless she's stealing.
If she is indisputably taking your valuables, of course you need to do what you need to do.
[/color]As of now she hasn't been taking anything of mine. But WE booked a trip to Aruba in July and since most likely she wont go (Even tho I have asked her and she seemed like she was really thinking about going but she was hesitant and finally said its not a good idea) If she doesn't go Im worried about leaving for a week and then she can have free range of the house the entire week.[color:#33CC00]
[quote=Stunned]Yeah you're right it's a angry hurt reaction and the fact the friends are telling me I need to if they are angry at her, factor that in with their "advice". They mean well but everyone on the DB site has to distance themselves from friends who are not on board with trying to salvage the m. [/color]They get angry when I tell them things about how shes handling the situation because they care about me, but you're right they are just reacting to that anger with an angry heart. I need to focus on not doing the same and detaching better.[color:#33CC00]
is why it's putting the thought in my head. The house is only in my name and I bought it before we were married. Sounds as if it's yours then. Your w has nowhere to go but to her parents. That's sad but it's reality.
Can you paint a room or decorate something to make it more your own now? I don't think that would hurt your w so much as clarify that she's moving out and you are moving on which does NOT make you less attractive...
she'd need to know your m would be different/better than before, to want back in.
What are you DOING (not saying) to show that you are changing/growing in some way?
[color:#33CC00][/color] She's already taken down all the pictures and wall signs and stuff so I've been slowly putting my own back up. I'm being much more patient when she does talk to me and I allow her to speak and end before I say anything. I've been showing her nothing but grace each time we talk or text and not anger (even tho shes killing me). I've been learning and understanding why she feels the way she does and why she feels like I took her for granted and Stopped showing her as much how much I cherish her. I've been working on validating her feelings and what she wants to happen next. Even tho I voice my concerns and frustrations on here I try my best not to ever let her see that, but a few times I have gotten weak and I continue to work on that.
Thank you again 25years, you always help me dig deeper into my thoughts and feelings and make me think more about my actions and the affects they may have.
I shouldn't be drinking cause I miss her way worse right now and I told my friends to take my phone cause I badly want to text her that I freakin miss her so much
So I stayed strong and did not call or text her, alcohol should be avoided at this time for me I think. Today is exactly one month since she walked out. I do feel like we've made some tiny little progress even tho she's still adamant about it being over. Like I posted earlier she did break down just a few days ago and opened up for a bit while we were together. She said she doesn't want to give me false hope, not sure if that means she's still conflicted or what? And she did text me early in the morning on my birthday so she was at least thinking about me that day. So who knows, we haven't talked since her text to me on Friday for my bday and I think I'll try my hardest to stay NC. Like I said I'm not sure I feel it's progress but the first couple weeks she did not want anything to do with me at all so im hoping the hurt feelings are subsiding some. But I know it'll still be a long journey with plenty of ups and downs I just pray the ups will out number the downs. But I am prepared for the worst.
Its definitely a long journey. It will be longer than you want it to, so work on accepting that you are very early in the process.
I've also sworn off alcohol for the time being. My advice is to stay NC. Give her lots and lots of space. Make her start to wonder what you are up to.
Yeah I'm gonna try my hardest to stay NC, even tho she keeps saying she just wants to get the rest of her stuff out of the house so we dot have any reminders and can move on. It's really hard hearing that but I have to say to myself don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do. It's just a month and I'm she's still very hurt is what I'm believing
Still trying to figure out exactly what w meant when she said she doesn't want to give me false hope? I'm Guess I'm she's saying she doesn't want to say there's a chance of R when she feels there is no chance......
Stunned, 25 has offered some great advice! Also re-read Coconut's comments on 180's. I was going to post much the same thing as when I was reading through your recent posts I got the impression you misunderstand what a 180 is. It doesn't have anything to do with NC, it's more about personal development and changing things that are weak areas for you.
Originally Posted By: Stunned
Yeah I'm gonna try my hardest to stay NC, even tho she keeps saying she just wants to get the rest of her stuff out of the house so we dot have any reminders and can move on.
Just to be clear, NC doesn't mean ignore her. If she's contacting you to coordinate removing her stuff, then do respond. NC just means don't INITIATE contact.
Quote:
It's just a month and I'm she's still very hurt is what I'm believing
Still trying to figure out exactly what w meant when she said she doesn't want to give me false hope? I'm Guess I'm she's saying she doesn't want to say there's a chance of R when she feels there is no chance......
Yes, exactly. I think every LBSer ever has heard that line, and most of us heard it MANY times. It's part of the reason the WAS suddenly becomes so cold and distant after years and years of being anything but. Once they decide they want out, they're scared to death that any little show of affection will be misinterpreted as them changing their mind. So they turn into ice queens. It doesn't mean they don't care anymore, they do. They care a lot more than they want you to know, so they shut it all down. Every now and then you'll see a glimpse of "old W". I remember a few weeks after BD I had laid down next to one of my D's to wake her up. W came in and laid on the other side of her. D and I were playing and laughing and I glanced up at W and saw that old look on her face, that look that said "I love you more than anything in the world" that I had seen a thousand times before, and then suddenly it just vanished. I think she briefly forgot BD and slipped back to her old self, then had to check it. The WAS has an internal struggle going on, they're torn between their old life and the unknown- the new life they think they want but are not sure about. But on the outside it's cool, calm and collected for the most part.
