Sorry your birthday was not what you'd hoped for. I Know it hurts.
and before you let every man who has a wife in an affair, or lump your wife into every other "wayward" situation, let me say 2 things.
1) while affairs are always bad choices, they are not all alike. Just as broken hearts have universal themes, we all each have unique pieces we have to manage and navigate.
2) unlike 95% of the WAW's around here, your w had IVF hormones for months, which have significant emotional side effects...oh and wait a second, she also
LOST TWINS just a short time ago!!
Not to mention some underlying issues in which you play a role.
And btw, I'm not even sure she can physically have an affair, at this point. I sure as heck would not lump her into the routine "wayward wife" group.
Good grief.
Plus, but if you focus all your energy on whether she's seeing someone else or confiding too much, having an "EA",
you will lose the opportunity to work on YOU.
Please stay on your path.
Thank you 25yearsmlc I needed someone to say that cause I too still don't think shes having a PA, if anything its a EA. We actually discussed this guy over text yesterday too and she swears its not that kinda talk that they're having. They are just talking about old times and stuff like that. But still they're talking a heck of a lot so shes getting some sort of emotional fulfillment out of it for sure. Her words are "I'm not leaving you for him. We have issues that cannot be worked out from my end and I need to move on from it". This text was before our meeting where she was crying so again shes just so up and down back and forth. I still don't believe her when she says she just wants to move on. But again I'm sure as of right now she truly does believe the words she is saying.
You mentioned that trying to go NC is your 180, so I wanted to kind of explain 180s then ask again.
DB relies heavily on you becoming a better person, and through that process gaining the attraction of your spouse once again. 180s are things that your going to do to make steps towards becoming a better person. Generally you need to look at yourself, and figure out what you do that would be considered a negative by someone else (or yourself) and do the exact opposite (180° Is the exact opposite direction your going now).
Some examples of 180s: make bed daily; wear cologne; dress better; shave daily; limit tv watching;
A 180 can be a specific thing your going to do to be better. Once you start doing these things daily, you will start to feel better about yourself, you will be proud of who you are becoming.
Key to 180s, do them for yourself, not to win your W back, do it to be a better you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
You mentioned that trying to go NC is your 180, so I wanted to kind of explain 180s then ask again.
DB relies heavily on you becoming a better person, and through that process gaining the attraction of your spouse once again. 180s are things that your going to do to make steps towards becoming a better person. Generally you need to look at yourself, and figure out what you do that would be considered a negative by someone else (or yourself) and do the exact opposite (180° Is the exact opposite direction your going now).
Some examples of 180s: make bed daily; wear cologne; dress better; shave daily; limit tv watching;
A 180 can be a specific thing your going to do to be better. Once you start doing these things daily, you will start to feel better about yourself, you will be proud of who you are becoming.
Key to 180s, do them for yourself, not to win your W back, do it to be a better you.
Agreed and the other 180s I'm doing are things like not get defensive when someone try's to talk to me about something I disagree with. Being more patient and listening when she or someone is talking to me and wait to speak until she's done. As well as putting her feelings ahead of mine if and when we Reconcile.
I'm debating weather I should change the locks after the info I found out about her having at least an EA? She constantly comes into the house when I'm not home packing and moving her stuff. But I fear that if I change the locks that will push her way out to the point of no return? I need suggestion please!
there are those who will say an EA is worse than a physical affair and those who are focussed on the physical parts only or mostly.
Obviously neither is going to help a marriage (with the possible exception of when an EA "partner" encourages the spouse to work on their m. I myself have probably been in those shoes a few times and not just with brothers).
In your situation, we know your w reached out to you and for reasons we don't need to harp on, she did not feel supported. She was in grief about losing the twins and this being the 4th time of IVF and the most promising, only to end again. (And I'm sure you were you very sad too).
So to ME, anyhow, I can see her reaching out to someone who makes her feel better about herself.
But given the physical circumstances (how long has it been since the twins passed?)
and the hormones and the weight issues, I'm assume she's starving for reassurances she felt she could not get from you, and feels unattractive. I would guess it's some guy from the past who knew her at her physical best, and that she probably won't meet in person for a long time.
But I don't "know" any of this^^, okay?
What I DO Know is that I find myself -after 35 years of m and 2 years of dating, wanting to be part of a couple OR
at least to have a man who cares for me, occupying my focus
instead of a soon to be ex h. Even though I know this would be reactive and probably not great for the man, I do feel an emotional void.
And suddenly I ALMOST have compassion for h and his A b/c he's in his adventure land, with no family or long time friends. Just his new fan base.
The one or 2 mutual friends we have there, are not applauding or relating to his behavior so he was for sure feeling alienated (Self inflicted, I know, but still valid to him). Our kids are not in touch with him and at some level the idea that he's lost them for good - which he must fight with all his energy - must be terrifying.
The OW feeds his ego and assuages his fears. H is in pain, and while he can BE SO HAPPY on fb, the chats or loss thereof, with the kids, cannot feel good.
So I have moments when I DO understand his neediness emotionally.
Because even with my siblings and nieces/nephews and friends from childhood nearby, heck, I'm lonely many nights. Truth be told, the last year of our m, if I am totally honest, were lonely for me too.
My mom had died suddenly, and we had empty nest syndrome the same month, witnessed a traumatic event, AND had moved yet again for h's job and he was emotionally avoidant. I knew 2 people nearby and I did not know them well.
If a kind sympathetic man had been nearby, I am pretty sure I'd have confided in him about my grief and fear and insecurity.
Just fyi
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm debating weather I should change the locks after the info I found out about her having at least an EA? She constantly comes into the house when I'm not home packing and moving her stuff. But I fear that if I change the locks that will push her way out to the point of no return? I need suggestion please!
seriously? What is your goal??
Besides, is the house in your name only? You can't lock her out of a place with her name on the lease or house.
Even if it were just in your name, again I ask, what is your goal?
You think her getting her stuff and you discovering that she's texting or talking to another man means you can keep her out of the house where her things are? Courts don't like property confiscation as you meting out punishment.
Is this^^ a behavior that would happen inside the m when you felt insecure or angry?
You think she'll slap her forehead and say "NOW I want to come home!!"??? Stop being reactive. Hire a DB coach asap.
You are not going down the NC or detachment path - you continue to react and the desire in you to "fix/punish" or force certainty in a situation without certainty, is not going to bode well for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm debating weather I should change the locks after the info I found out about her having at least an EA? She constantly comes into the house when I'm not home packing and moving her stuff. But I fear that if I change the locks that will push her way out to the point of no return? I need suggestion please!
How else could she possibly react??
If this^^ is your idea of moving towards a reconciliation, you really are not thinking things out.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The miscarriage was April 24th, and I too can see her reaching out to a man for that reassurance as well and that's what frightens me. They started talking in February so even during the pregnancy she was talking to him. She said she has known this guy since she was a teenager so I'm sure it feels good to her for a guy that probably had some sort of crush on her reunite with her. As far as the physical side she was allowed by the dr to have sex 4 weeks after the miscarriage so she could if she wanted to. But I'm praying that isn't happening. Maybe like you said she could still be self conscious of her weight and not ready to meet in person but I fear that they have. Either way I must detache and I'm not sure I should bring it up to her again cause she now at least a least knows I am aware of OM. And she knows how I feel it was very disrespectful to talk to him behind my back. So maybe that'll make her think more about it. But I'm still on the fence about changing the locks?
Yeah you're right it's a angry hurt reaction and the fact the friends are telling me I need to is why it's putting the thought in my head. The house is only in my name and I bought it before we were married. As of now I don't have the money to hire a dbing coach for the fact that I'm stuck with more bills since she left
The miscarriage was April 24th, and I too can see her reaching out to a man for that reassurance as well and that's what frightens me. They started talking in February so even during the pregnancy she was talking to him. what were you two up to then? B/c you mentioned something happening in February in an earlier post but I don't recall what it was, specifically.
She said she has known this guy since she was a teenager so I'm sure it feels good to her for a guy that probably had some sort of crush on her reunite with her. As far as the physical side she was allowed by the dr to have sex 4 weeks after the miscarriage so she could if she wanted to.
Okay not to be too graphic, but I've had 3 kids. (And I like sex!) But that ^^ timeline only means it's safe then, not saying it's comfortable.
But I'm praying that isn't happening. Maybe like you said she could still be self conscious of her weight and not ready to meet in person but I fear that they have.
where does this fear lead you? I mean I GET IT. I know the mental movies of seeing my h of 35 years and only lover for 37, with OW.
If I let it in my heart, it would kill a part of me. But I detach enough to say "wait a second, this cannot be of more value than our m. This is new. This cannot be about me/us. It's so over the top - (& the unique m circumstances of each m etc)"
and this^ helps me stay out of the darkness. Our s31 said "good riddance to lunacy" and it helped me to hear someone who loves us both, get me to a point where I could see that this was not anything I could control AND THEREFORE I had to let go of it.
Put a STOP SIGN in your head if you need to, and redirect your thoughts. Water off the duck's back.
You have to. For you.
Either way I must detache and I'm not sure I should bring it up to her again cause she now at least a least knows I am aware of OM. DETACHING will help you avoid a counter productive talk about OM. She knows you know. What is your goal about discussing it? I am not saying there's never a reason, but you better darn well know what your reason/goal is before you blurt out something.
Issue NO ultimatums unless you are 100% positive you will enforce them. I don't think or feel you are near being positive.
As for Detaching, I just don't know how to do it without GAL. One leads to the other and it's GAL first, detachment second.
What are your GAL?
And she knows how I feel it was very disrespectful to talk to him behind my back. So maybe that'll make her think more about it. But I'm still on the fence about changing the locks?
changing the locks is a bad idea unless you have reason to believe she's taking things that belong (& matter) to you.
If she takes pictures of you two, that are "yours"< do you really want to stop that?
But sure, if she's taking valuables or such, then okay and change the locks.
But there's no way that she will feel closer to you for doing it.
Not saying you'll never reconcile down the road, just saying it looks punitive unless she's stealing.
If she is indisputably taking your valuables, of course you need to do what you need to do.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
