I'm feeling much better and am back on even footing. Whew! It was a crazy busy week, and per usual, I am grateful for GAL and the distraction.
So yesterday, I graduated from my 9 month civic leadership program. Gosh, that was an amazing experience and I'm grateful to have forged many avenues to continue to be in public service. I am now trying to think about executing the next steps- 1) I'd like to join the board of a non-profit and 2) I have the opportunity to serve as a logistician of a few global health medical missions. I've been asked to shadow a mission in Jamaica in October. Mentally, I've committed, I just haven't said yes to the director. I'll let him know when he comes back from his current mission. I'm secretly super excited about this. It turns out that my work schedule is wide open for the trip.... So maybe it was meant to be!
Today, im just resting and carb loading for tomorrow's marathon. I'm sooooo nervous, but am excited for the challenge. It's just another test to see what I'm made of.
So that's about it! A few things have irked me about ex, but honestly, it's not even worth discussing here. That man ain't worth my time.
It's been a month since I've heard from my man crush.... Meh... That was a learning experience. I wasn't really thinking of him except for the fact that I just finished watching He's Just Not that Into You on tv. That movie is always on when I need some reflection time! Ha!
Wishing you all a restful day. Xoxo
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hello DB friends, Hope all is shining in your worlds.
Things have been goin well for me personally. It felt about time for the MLC monster to rear his head and ruffle my feathers. Well, it happened, and he did not disappoint! Can't go into details, but, I just got off the phone with my mom and had a good, good cry. the divorce is so-so ugly. So many lies and un-truths. So much more "fighting" to endure.
He will stop at nothing to ensure that I walk away from this with $0.00 and without my dog. And because I'm simply defending my stance for fairness, I'm the greedy, stubborn one who won't give in and am dragging this out. It's absolutely crazy-making.
Next week marks 2 years of separation. Theres so much time and space between us that I seriously question how he could have so much hatred for me still. What have i done? Nothing, except fight for a fair settlement. Does he even remember the initial reason for divorcing me? Other than the fact that he didn't love me.... And that's on him.
Just putting out my thoughts. I really have no words for what I've just endured, but do have questions. Why the hatred? Why the lies? What the heck is going on in your head that makes any of this OK? Where's your integrity?
For those who have been in the same nasty MLC situation--- did they ever cool off, and realize what they've done?
I'm upset and puzzled and wondering how much more energy AND MONEY I have left to fight for fairness.
Ugh ~ shaking my head and wiping away the tears.
Xoxo
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
{{{Pax}}} There were some ugly moments in my sitch too. I'm not sure why the lies and hatred - the revisionist history. I think they need it to justify their actions. I've wondered about integrity too.
My best advice is that this is a business transaction. You are closing down the company known as your marriage. Your husband is a business partner here.
Shut off your emotions to the best of your ability when you're dealing with divorce issues. Think long and hard about what you really want and what is and isn't important to you.
Know your opponent.
You can deal with the emotions of this after the fact. You're in a battle. Gird your loins. This is business, period.
Does any of this make sense?
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I went through something very similar. My xh would have been happy if had been left homeless and an empty bank account. When he realized, very early on, that I was going to stand my ground and fight for what I was entitled to, he became a very angry and hateful person. As long as you go along w/whatever they want, the monster doesn't come out to play...but the moment you step up and fight for what you are entitled to and/or need, that monster comes out to play.
My divorce took 3 years and many, many days of dealing w/the monster. Once my divorce was finalized, I had to deal w/him for three months due to wrapping up financial issues and he was still a monster. I actually didn't hear from him again until 3 years later when my BIL passed away and he had settled down. He waited for two days after the funeral and then started sending me emails requesting things from my home, which he didn't need as he was living in an apartment, oh...he even wanted me to make copies of all of vacation photos and I pay for them. My response to him for the next 10 years was to refer back to his divorce decree, as he had gotten everything he asked for and wasn't getting another dime or belongings from my home. Of course, the ugly monster came out to play each time, but he didn't stay out to play as long.
To answer your question, some remain angry and resentful people the rest of their lives and then there are others, that do settle down. Some you never see or hear from again.
You do what you need to do to get a fair settlement. Your h is angry at himself, not you. Yes, he makes it appear that he's angry at you, but he's not. He's angry at himself and what he's done and he's just not happy w/the lemons he's been given. Trust me, if he was in your situation, he would be fighting for what he was entitled to.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Pax - I'm sorry you had an ugly encounter with your H - ugh. My H initially then came up with some ideas for settlement that were ludicrously in favour of him and not me. I think I actually came away with around double of his initial suggestion - and that was purely based on the 'normal' formula for couples divorcing in our circumstances - nothing more. Actually, once H engaged his own L, he became much more reasonable. I think she set out how things were likely to work and he was more able to take that from a trusted, independent person.
From what I recall, is your H representing himself?? Or has he engaged a L who is unreasonable?
Anyway, I'll revisit what I have said before - that stuff is his stuff. I know what has happened must have hurt. But think about it - any reasonable person would at least want to honour the R that was and D in a reasonable manner that supports everyone's interests - no? So, if he wants otherwise, that's all on him.
It sounds like you are doing well in so many aspects of your life - and I will share my mantra for living - posted on the forum by Caliguy originally - but it spoke to me:
Appreciate what you have, and strive to do your best from wherever you are at daily.
I think if you manage to live in that way (and I sense you are) life will unfold in beautiful ways for you...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you all so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate the responses and reinforcement.
I think my sheer anger/disappointment/sadness comes from the fact that he just won't stop. He's a bully and then psychologically turns it around to make me the bully. I don't care anymore, but this aggression is not welcome in my life. The tears come from exhaustion.
I used to not care if he found me on this board. Chances are- he wouldn't... Why on earth would he be up in the middle of the night googling "how to save a marriage?" But now I'm a bit fearful knowing that he'll stop at nothing.
I didn't have a personal interaction with him. It was his formal, legal response to the one of our legal matters just ripping me a new one. Lies, manipulation, untruths. It's disgusting. I know he's lied under oath before... And this is no different. Again, can't go into all the details here cuz if he found me he'd surely sue me for slander or something..... But, I didn't think it could go this low. Wow. Wow. Wow.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
To answer you question, bttrfly- he no longer is representing himself. I don't see the conversations that are happening between him and his l, but his lawyer has eluded to the fact that he's not willing to listen. I've not seen any demonstratin of anyone trying to reel him in a bit. And thank you, for the book recommendations. Ill check them out.
Job- sorry you endured what you did with your ex. I think mine is going to be the same...I don't think he will ever turn around. In 2 years, I haven't seen any change. It's sad. He is going to have a very lonely life. What is your ex up to now? Did he remarry and find his happiness?
Sotto- I take your words to heart and I know you've given me the same message before. I appreciate the reinforcement. I really do! This morning I went to see the Dalai Lama live and, as you may know, the Buddhist philosophy is just as you mentioned .... I don't have to absorb his anger and therefore will not react as such. It's a gift I do not have to accept! Sometimes I'm just stunned by the lack of human integrity and then I'm so so grateful that I don't live in his world anymore. I'm fact I want to be faaaaaaaarrrrrr from it. Just let me have time with my dog.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
My xh did marry the ow and they were married for 9 years and then she passed away from ovarian cancer on the same date that my xh and I had married on. Talk about beginning and end marriages on the same date.
Well, before the ow/wife #2, passed away and was in hospice, he had already become involved w/another woman. They've been in a domestic relationship since 2014. His town home was foreclosed on and then he purchased another house in his old home town, right around from where he grew up. They lived there for about a year and have since moved to Colorado to be near her grown daughters. I have no idea what he's doing now...but I'm glad he's far away from me.
As for finding happiness? I think he only finds it for a year or so and then he starts buying things and then starts his "hunt" once again for the next woman and starts friendships with them.
The one thing I have found interesting in his journey is that once he moves on to his next victim the previous wives/relationships are dead issues and he will not revisit those time. It's like we never existed in his life.
I hope and pray that you can find a way to spend time with your dog. That may be the only way he can control what is going on in his life and that is by controlling visitation with the dog. It's a very sad way to live.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
. Keep your head up. Hope you feel better!