... I don't think you see the error in your approach to DB'ing. You are so focused on your W and her ways, that you don't even realize the role that you continue to play.
Every minute spent focusing on your W/OM, is a minute wasted on not focusing on yourself. That is time that cannot be replaced. I suggest to invest all of your time on self improvement. Either you choose to lead the way by fixing yourself, or you choose to let her lead the way. Her way has kept you planted in the front seat of the emotional roller coaster, which is a clear sign that you are not detached.
Read back through your threads. You will see patterns of instability. I know the emotional roller coaster scks. Please don't skim through people's advice. Read it and try to understand how it can help you navigate through your sitch.
THIS^^^^^^
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ok guys it has been about three weeks since I last posted and wanted to provide an update and get some advice.
She is still seeing OM. We had dinner (kissed), we went to counseling a couple of times, we went to brunch, we took a nice selfie together, etc... more and more. She broke up with the OM and then got back with him. More of the same mess. One weeks she wants to "possibly work on marriage" next week "I have no desire to work on this marriage"
I am now going dark. What is everyone's thoughts on telling her that I am going to start dating someone else?
Also, we finally made it to court and they decided to give us 9 months to complete mediation. Maybe that is a blessing in disguise to allow the TIME thing on here that everyone seems to think works?
Thoughts?
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
You've not posted here in almost a month and that's what you come up with - telling W you are going to date? Really? Get back to the DB basics. Do not date and don't okay games by claiming you are. Scheeeeeeesch .
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I know it's frustrating. My wife and have not had physical interaction except kissing since october. She barely kisses me but will do it all with the OM. Sometimes our physical needs of sex and affection get in the way of our goal.
I considered this myself but had to ask myself what could come of this? Not one scenario ended well. Just a recipe for for disaster. Disaster for marriage, you, and your new mate.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
I am now going dark. What is everyone's thoughts on telling her that I am going to start dating someone else?
I think you're insane. The very next thing you say is "we're going to have time, which is what we need" and the above is your plan? You actually WANT to fix your M right now. At least it sounds that way. Why the heck would you intentionally make things WORSE?
Lying about dating is being cruel for the sake of being cruel. I promise you that will not make you feel better. I promise that will make you feel worse.
ACTUALLY dating will do nothing but complicate your life right now. It will not resolve your feelings about your W. It may actually make them more ambiguous. You WILL drive an even bigger wall between you and your W (I promise, no matter how high and thick the wall is, it will get higher and thicker, no matter how impossible that seems).
I remember your first thread. I remember thinking that you were a lot like me in temperament and personality. So here's what else you'll get: you get the joy of questioning if you're doing the right thing. Doing things for the right reasons. Involving yourself in someone else's life for the right reasons. No matter how many times you answer those questions affirmatively, you will ask them again, because you know your perceptions are untrustworthy and you're not sure if you're working with good data.
I also think you're enough like me to ignore this advice. But assuming you're smarter than I am, your plan to go dark sounds like a good one. Detach. GAL. Don't worry about what she's doing or who she's doing it with. IF you want your M back, that's the ONLY way it's going to happen.
Ok, got it, not dating. A friend of mine recommended hand writing on nice stationary, a letter describing my feeling and what I want. Thoughts?
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
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