Next phase: Divorce and Acceptance

[Pax_luv]

Hi Pinn... Haha......Yeah, probably gave out too much info, but I'm glad you are able to provide perpective. Thank you!!!

So, at the end of the day, I've just done a ton of reflecting.

I've asked myself if I really do like him or just the idea of him.

The thing is, I like him a lot and that's very unusual for me. So, my automatic response is: there's no way he can be into me. I'm undesirable, I'm not good enough for him. He's just a quality human and I may not be of the same quality.

This is co-dependent thinking, but I'm not co-dependent on this guy at all whatsoever to provide my valididty.... I just feel like this is a case study to get my hands dirty and I need to figure out why I don't feel like I could be enough.

So, I'm just gonna lean back and let things happen as they may.... I Greatly enjoyed this guy's company and I'd like to incorporate another male relationship in my life. I think it was so great because there were no expectations and it all happened quite unexpectedly.

It just feels like it's time to continue to get my hands dirty as its all part of the learning process.

[Pax_luv]

Ps- He's in Maui... So yeahhhhhhI would probably jump at the formal invite!

[pinn]

Wow feyth... sometimes we are too similar. I am glad you are able to recognize that co-dependent thinking so you can work on it.

I was taking an MBA class right during bomb drop time (the final was three days after BD eeck). It was about objectivity but it was a really small class and it was basically a psych class. So you do a lot of reflecting and thinking. You meet with the professor one on one to try and figure out what your 'mental model' is so you can identify it and see how it affects your life. So we meet and we start talking... am I a perfectionist? naw... not really. Am I controlling??... nope. Am I in constant competition... Can't say I am. Do you think that you are not good enough, limited and have trouble accepting yourself? Wait a second... we might have something here! I never realized it until I had that conversation with the professor.

I think that once you see that that is an issue... then you can really work on it. Seems like you are there and I am getting there. But it is hard to not feel that way sometimes. It's like you feel that way and you have to tell yourself that it is not true, but you still feel that way. I don't know, it is weird. I am sure your H and my WW did not help matters much in that regard. I try to figure out where that mind set came from but cannot pin point it just yet. But just knowing that is only a mindset is really a huge help for me.

Well I hope you get to go to Maui!!

[Pax_luv]

Hiya Pinn,
Thanks for sharing your experience from your class. Yep- definitely something to think about. Truthfully, Im not sure where my "not good enough" mindset comes from. It might have developed through my relationship with ex. I mentioned it in an earlier post where the mc was trying to engrain it in my head that I would never be good enough for ex. I don't remember what ideoosyncrisies I had before I got involved with ex. I mean, I met him when I was 21 so i probably didn't have a firm grasp on who I was at all.

Fast forward to today, and I don't know if it's residual PTSD, not recovered from the severe rejection or what. This is going to sound really conceited, but from the outside, I bet most people would have zero idea I felt this way. I'm a confident, independent woman, well spoken, educated, good job, totally solid with the exception of the ongoing d, involved in the community, former pro cheerleader. I strive to make myself and the people around me better. I lead with love and compassion. On paper, Ive got a lot going for me. Seriously though, I don't feel worthy when it comes to men. I'm working through all my internal gremlins and I hope there comes a day when I can say- Hey- this guy that I'm really into..... He's lucky to be with me (and I'm lucky to be with him).

I have to be honest here. I think my ex messed with my mind big time. Like hugely! The more removed I am from the sitch, the clearer I see it. The other day I was talking with the paralegal as she had to go through 90 pages of text messages between ex and I. She said to me, " oh my god.... He's so manipulative!!!" She was stunned. I was not expecting the reaction I got from her. I actually feel bad because ex is quickly getting the reputation of being an awful human being. He's not a good guy.

I don't think anyone realizes the prison I was in.... Hell, I didn't know the prison I was in and I was fighting with my life to stay in that. How messed up is that?! <= but this is the stuff i can't talk about in a public setting because it makes me look like the crazy, bitter ex. I wish people knew more of the backstory. Maybe it would help me process it more, too. I never did share too much because I was fighting for the m and I would never air our dirty laundry or show him in a bad light.

Anyway, another late night and I'm rambling along. Ugh- just so much work to be done with myself still. I've said it before, but man oh man is self help exhausting. I wish i could be ok with complacency....ha just kidding!

[pinn]

Ugh Pax... I hope you can over come that insecurity that was the result of your relationship. You seem to have everything together and seem like a great person. I hope you see that.

I am kind of in a similar spot. I have been entangled with WW since I was 17 so, like you, that relationship has affected how I see myself and how I have projected myself. I guess the good news in all of this, is that we have figured how the relationships affected and changed us. So hopefully something that is we can work in the future.

Hope you had a great weekend!

[Pax_luv]

Hi Pinn,
Thanks for that....i guess I'm starting to feel impatient as well and am just ready to move on and feel good in the company of men again. I'm decent company by myself and I'm ready to graduate to relationships outside of me, though I still have lots to learn. Ohhhh these feelings.... They never end!


So, just journaling..I kind of have a question that I just want to put into the universe. Though, I also already know the answer.

It's literally been 4 months and ex has finally agreed upon a forensic accountant to go through all the financials. That should start moving along soon. With that, there's a painful twinge in my gut that has me questioning if she (the CPA) is going to uncover the truth or if ex was cunning enough to cover it up. I know with certainty that things werent always as they seemed. Ex made great efforts to ensure things looked different on paper vs actual reality...especially in regards to finances. He was quite proud of his sneakiness, actually, and said it was "to protect us." I trusted that man with every ounce of my being.

I found myself drafting an email to my lawyer to see if the CPA could potentially bring these discrepancies to light, but stopped halfway through because I've been standing on my integrity this entire time... Why throw him under the bus now? Plus, even if I knew a fraction of what he was doing, could I be seen as an accomplice?!? That certainly was not my intent at all. Was he doing this with our personal finances as well? I have no idea the extent. Truthfully. The money was such a mess, there's no way I could get my arms wrapped around it... Which is why we're now having to pay more money for a forensic accountant. Go figure!

I just get sick thinking of it. We have to do this to get an accurate representation of a few things, but what if the truth still doesn't get revealed and this whole mess ends up being for nothing and he just has more ammo to hate me?

My intent was to sit back and let things surface without any influence from me. And so far, they have. This financial piece right now is the scary part. I guess I just have to have faith in the process. Whatever is supposed to happen, will happen. yeah??

Alright, that's all for now. Be well, everyone!

[ciluzen]

Hey, Pax! I love playing catchup with your thread when I hit the boards. I wonder if you even come close to realizing how much stronger you've grown from when you first joined? You've really challenged yourself physically and mentally and it has made you strong...and inspirational. Even your voice in your writing is stronger.

So, with that said...on to your question.

"I just get sick thinking of it. We have to do this to get an accurate representation of a few things, but what if the truth still doesn't get revealed and this whole mess ends up being for nothing and he just has more ammo to hate me?"

Let's start with the first part..."I just get sick of thinking of it". Then try not to. Easier said than done, I know. But you know your "try" is 10 steps above most people's at this stage, you queen of the physical challenges you! You've hired a forensic accountant; trust her to do her job. She specializes in all of the tricks to hiding things...he doesn't.

"What if the truth doesn't get revealed...". What if? Then he's smarter than a forensic CPA and better than most at hiding assets. You were married to a first class Lex Luther grade evil genius. Then you really shouldn't feel bad over not seeing his true nature...he's good! Or...you find out other info that just makes you realize he's just a flawed human being who was desperately trying to control his finances just to have something to control that was partly within his power. But that's her job to uncover; leave her to it.

"He just has more ammo to hate me". < This is the one that concerns me. At this point in the sitch, given your concerns about him hiding assets and you being ready to see others, why would you worry about him hating you for trying to find out the truth to the financials when it is in your best interest? Pax...this is a business deal. Nothing more. That's what the big D is. Ls, papers, and courts. His feelings FOR THIS PROCESS are inconsequential. If you choose to still stand for the R, the business deal part is completely different. I throw that R thing in because, well...I hear that tiny voice in there hoping that this man you married isn't really the person that everyone tells you he is and that you are seeing right now. Its true...as I've said on my thread...stress and desperation can make people do strange things and become different people. Helloooooo MLC! Or any other breaking point.

You are strong, don't doubt that. You've proven that on each thread with your toughness in overcoming the mental and physical challenges. So, be tough and let the experts do their thing. What will happen, will happen, as you say. Things will drop into place like a big game of Tetris...all you need to do is nudge things a bit to make them fit better. Push the feelings aside, turn up your music, and exert yourself in a different area...let the CPA do her thang. You've got this.

[Pax_luv]

Ciluzen! Thank you so much stopping by and for your thoughtful response. It means a lot. I was pleased to read your recent update about your situation and I hope you are feeling comfortable and at peace! I love that you were able to do some planting as well! On a side note, I recently developed a friendship with a horticulture therapist and I love speaking with her about the therapeutic properties of being surrounded by plants, gardening, etc. I'm obsessed with edible gardens (veggies, herbs, etc) and have recently spent time on some farms harvesting my organic produce. It's so awesome!

So, yes, you are right to be concerned about my statement about me not wanting ex to hate me. I definitely have to work through that. It stems from the fact that I'm afraid of him and his retaliation. I also have to work on not caring so much about what other people think of me. I've always struggled with this.

Today is a weird day. It is the 12th anniversary of me and ex's first date. Of course I got all the lovely reminders on FB as it was something we always celebrated. Also, tomorrow is my dogs 6th bday . We thought it was cool that they were back to back. Ps- court date for the dog sharing is not until the end of June. Again, this is an intermediate motion outside of the D so it will be addressed again when that gets sorted. Booooooo. I miss that pup so much.

Been really busy with work and my workouts. I read here every night as I go to bed, and I can usually get through one or 2 updates before zonking out, but don't usually get to post.

Anyway, have some fun plans this weekend with the gym and I have a philanthropic dinner supporting one of our local community farms on Saturday. then I'm meeting with my community leadership group on Sunday. Also, I can't wait to have a few hours to myself to actually do laundry and dishes. That's the downside to my current schedule. I have no time to organize myself as I'm gone from 8a-9p every day. I'm a hot mess!

Alright, that's it for now...got to go eat my 6th meal. Have a lovely rest of the week, DBers!

[Pax_luv]

Hello DBers.....

Hope you are enjoying a lovely Monday- Memorial Day. Today we honor those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in Protecting our country. I'm acutely aware of this "gift of the present" I've been given and took a few moments this morning to reflect on the meaning of Memorial Day. It's nice to truly create space to think about these things. It's not something I used to do. fortunately, as a result of my hardships, life has more meaning to me now. I'm definitely not the girl I used to be.

With that, memorial day used to be a big to-do for me and ex. It was the unofficial kick off to summer and we would often have a bbq and pool party. We would grill all day long- starting with breakfast burgers. Such a distant memory now.

Had a busy morning today. Worked out for 2 hours then had a community leadership meeting. On the way back from that meeting, it would have been shorter for me to take the route that would bring me past my old house. I had no interest in even getting a glance of it so I took the long way home. Was actually proud of myself!

Yep. Yep. Life goes on. I got a bill in the mail from my health insurance. Ex had a couple appts and needs to pay some extra on some services not covered. Technically he's still covered on my plan so that's why I got the bill. Seems like he's had a lot of appts lately. Though it's confidential and I have no idea what they are for, my initial gut had me feeling bad for him that he was going though something that required medical attention......... Meh..... But then I thought maybe he's just trying to get everything out of the way before he has to get his own coverage. I'll never know!

So, that's a non-update! Just movin along. Must focus on my marathon this weekend! Woop!
Hope you all have a good week!

[Pax_luv]

Hi DBland,
Feeling like a whiny little baby right now so I'm coming here to release (aka vent it out).

I have a really crazy work schedule right now. I've had back to back events every week and I don't have a break until August. It's my busy season. With that, it's tough to maintain the balance between my professional responsibilities and personal endeavors. I'm managing, but it gets demanding at times.

Today, I woke up sick (fever, sore throat). I knew I was coming down with something but was smug enough to believe that I was gonna fight it. I was wrong.

Worked 13.5 hours while sick in preparation for a major event tomorrow. As I was in the car leaving my office, I had a complete meltdown because I just feel so alone. More than anything, I wish I could have someone in my corner who is rooting for me. Someone who understands how hard Ive been working and is just there to give me a hug. I just want someone who cares for me and my wellbeing and is there to offer a hand even if I don't ask for it. Someone who will bring me soup because they know I'm not feeling well. I dont want to feel like I need this.... But I do want some intimacy/connection. I miss it and I haven't had it in so long.

Maybe it's because I haven't seen my dog in forever either, but it's so nice to come home from a long day and be greeted by someone who is just happy to see me. I miss it.

Honestly, I didnt have that with ex. I would be so happy to be home from a long day at work and I wouldnt even be acknowledged until he finished his video games. That's not an exaggeration. He couldn't be bothered by my presence while playing video games. And he always was playing them when I came home----- teenage MLC behavior.


So, I guess that's it. I don't want to be strong right now. There's this sense of just wanting to fall, but know there's no one there to catch me. I Just want to be and be accepted for being. It's hard being strong all the time.

Ok- that's if. Vent over. Thanks for listening. I'm just gonna cuddle up in my blanket and finish up my work.

Be well.