WW with affair moved out 4+ weeks ago

[15Stang]

Hi all,
Just journaling a bit....
It's crazy to think what can happen in a year....
A year ago I was on a plane to a southern state to purchase a new car for my W and I. When my wife dropped me off at the airport I could see tears in her eyes. She called me after I checked in and was concerned something might happen on the flight or my drive home. She told me how much she loved me and it was so nice to see the tender heart of my W. I would have preferred to have her come with me as it was a 20+ hour drive home. We had a special needs sick pet at home and the pet couldn't be left alone for a day. We sure did enjoy the sports car over the summer. If someone would have told me I would be separated from my wife in less than a year while processing a divorce I would have said there is no way in hell that would happen. What a difference a year makes.

Her friends met my W this week and delivered her stuff. My W actually went to coffee with them for about an hour. It's possible they told her she wouldn't get her personal stuff unless she did meet with them. From speaking with her friends it seems my W is pretty frail. My W did try to bring me into the conversation a lot during their meeting but her friends stopped it every time. They told her "we are not here to talk about your marriage. We are here to talk about your heart and the decisions you are making." She has some pretty awesome friend that care and love her a lot.

Anyway there's not much else to report. I had a great IC session on Wednesday the 29th.

What a difference a year can make.
e

[Bdog37]

If someone would have told me I would be separated from my wife in less than a year while processing a divorce I would have said there is no way in hell that would happen. What a difference a year makes

True... In my case, what a difference a week can make. My W told me every loving thing you could possible say to your S just a week prior to her moving out. She would even text me every min while at work telling me how much she loves me and wants to see our M work. Crazy, right.

[15Stang]

That is crazy....
But it is pretty much my experience as well. 1 night before she left we ML which is a pretty usual occurrence for us. (Usually 2-3 times a week.) Didn't seem like anything was wrong on her end. I have texts that say I'm an "awesome hubby" and "i love you/I miss you" which were sent the same week she left. Either my W is a great actress/liar or I am the dumbest most naive husband ever. It is crazy how like a light switch she was here and the poof she was gone.

[SBJ]

Stang, I just caught up and typed you a post, but my iPad lost it. I'm truly sorry for your situation, but unfortunately there are a lot of us...men and women...that are going thru very similar experiences.

It takes time to detach and that is the key. We are being forced to do something we never thought we'd do.

God showed me that my kids and I are a byproduct of the decisions that my W has made. She lost her battle against the temptations that were placed before her. Please keep your faith and pray that your W be released from these temptations. Everyone on here is from different backgrounds...some believers and some not, but all are good people with wonderful hearts and intentions. Only God knows what is in store for you down the road.

Jeremiah 29:11New American Bible (Revised Edition) (NABRE)

11 For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the Lord—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.

Just take it one day at a time...

[15Stang]

SBJ-
I do pray that my W will be released from her temptations and choices to sin. Unfortunately it seems like she is losing her battle..... heck it is possible she doesn't want to battle and actually enjoys what she is doing. I hope someday this will change.... for her sake, not necessarily for our M or R. It is sad to watch someone walk a path to destruction. I choose not to join her on this path. I will walk my own path. God may choose to have our paths cross again. But right now we are going in opposite directions. I'm ok with this decision and direction. Emotionally I'm not ok with it yet. Some days are better than others. But overall the emotional part is getting better.
I miss sharing my life with someone and enjoying the company of a spouse. One of my main goals in life was to be married and stay married. Right now this goal is on hold and it may start anew with another person. I have other goals that I'm still working towards and I can accomplish them without a spouse. That is where my focus is but it is really easy for my mind to drift back to my W. I do miss her but I choose to move on without her.
I spoke with the girls that met with her on Tuesday and she has become a person that I do not want to be with. The things she said and the decisions she is making are quite repulsive. I wish my emotions could understand and see the truth but they very much love the person I "thought" she was. I know deep down I still love her but I can't see any way that we could have a great marriage if she doesn't change who she has become. That change may happen but I will not be waiting around for it to happen. Maybe I'm still single when the change happens.... or maybe I'm not. I can only control my life and the choices I make. I do hope God intervenes in her life and leads her back to him.

Thanks for the encouragement.
e

[15Stang]

Hi all,
Wanted to post an update and do a bit of journaling.

Not much new to report. I've been doing the best I can to focus on me and making choices. My emotions are still fighting me but every day does seem a bit easier.

I went to a divorce care meeting last tuesday. Mainly I wanted to get out and meet some new people in a safe environment. While I'm not divorced yet it does seem like it is only a matter of time. The group was about 6 people of which I was the only male. There was a very nice woman whose husband walked out of their marriage in a similar fashion to my situation. My guess is we are similar in age. I'm not planning on dating her (way to soon) or anything but it was nice to see another woman take an interest in me. It was also nice to allow my mind to think about the 'what ifs'. This helps me to detach a little more thinking of a possible future with someone.
I don't mean to sound arrogant but I feel like I have been a pretty good husband throughout our marriage. Yes I have not been perfect and I will continue to not be perfect. But I will also continue to work on myself to be the best that I can be. I can honestly say I did this throughout our marriage. I did it a lot more over the past 3 years after the affair. Part of what frustrates me with my current situation is if my wife was so unhappy with me I don't understand why she didn't address me about it. Maybe I'm a complete blockhead and this is something I still need to learn. I had been asking her to go back to counseling with me as I felt we weren't connecting. I was trying to connect with her but it wasn't working. From my humble opinion I can't understand why it is easier to leave a marriage and have an affair. It is such a short sighted painful way to deal with life. She has (had) people that would have helped her through any difficulty she had and they would have supported her if I wasn't understanding what she needed from the marriage. But instead of asking for help she bailed. I understand I can't do anything about her choice..... it is just not the choice I would have made.

Anyway.... more about me. One thing I struggle with (looking back at our marriage) is was I a controlling person? Here are some issues I' know I'm 100% responsible for.
1. I can be a dominant person in communication. I'm only a few inches taller than my wife and about 50 pounds heavier. I wouldn't say I'm able to intimate her physically. However I do communicate easily and on the fly. This would create some conversations where she felt like her opinion didn't matter or that she couldn't have a voice. I feel terrible about this as I never meant to make her feel that way. I actually wanted her to speak up more and talk but I didn't understand I was making it so difficult for her.
2. We argued about $$ a lot. Especially early on in our marriage. We both liked to spend money. While I can't speak for her I spent $$ to make myself feel better. I believe this was her reasoning as well. When we married we were in about $25,000 of credit card debt. We payed it all off. However this was a fight as I was the one that took steps to pay it off while she fought me about not being able to buy whatever she wanted. We had to change our habits to pay off debt instead of satisfy our desires. $15,000 was my debt and $10,000 was hers when we married. Throughout our marriage we would argue about money usually because we didn't like to be told we couldn't buy something. The problem is we didn't learn that credit is bad and to live within your means until later in marriage. After some of her reasoning for leaving I'm not sure if she did learn to live within her means. I've been made to feel like I'm some financial tyrant. When our divorce is final she will get quite a bit of money from me and our marriage. Her AP- Well he is so far in debt he plans to file bankruptcy.
3. Would I be controlling because I would voice my needs in the marriage? Example- I had been asking her to show me through her actions that she was taking responsibility for her own healing after the affair. It could be reading a book, counseling, group meeting, etc. It didn't matter what it was. What mattered is that she was doing something on her own without me leading. The first 6-12 months of counseling were because I was leading reconciliation. (looking back this should have been a huge red flag/2x4 to my noggin) My reasoning is this was a way for her to communicate through her actions that she wanted to be a safe place for me. Usually she'd start something for a few weeks and then it would stop. This was frustrating for me. If I confronted her and asked why she stopped I would be viewed as controlling. Is this controlling behavior?

So this is my focus. To understand if I was a controlling spouse or if I was reacting to a poor environment. I do feel I became more controlling after the affair as I wanted a lot of transparency. This was a struggle for my W and it continued to hurt our M. (Personally if I had an affair and I was truly sorry I would do ANYTHING to help my spouse feel better and heal. I would do the best I could to create a great environment for healing and not blame her for her needs.) I also want to work on being controlling from a money standpoint. Should I have flexibility even though we agreed on how the money would be spent? I would be told often I was controlling when I wouldn't let her spend money on something. My heart wasn't trying to be controlling but if there wasn't money in the family budget and we agreed on no credit cards I'm not sure what I should do. If it was her own monthly budget money I did not have a say in what she spent it on. That was the deal.

I want to be careful that I do not take on too much responsibility for her actions. I tend to do this and it doesn't do me any good.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.
e

[TxHubby]

TxHubby,
What makes you think she will come back at some point?
Thx
E

Sorry, didn't see this. The odds are in your favor. Most of them do reach out at some point. It happens much more than it doesn't. You'll see.

[15Stang]

Well.....
I guess time will tell as the only time she reaches out is to get more stuff.....

Currently we are finalizing the divorce paperwork. Should be done this week and then it is off to the court to be made official. Crazy how all of this can change so quickly. There was obviously some planning that was started long before she left. I was just oblivious to it.

The tough part becomes IF she does come back is will I even want her back? I miss being a husband and sharing a life with my wife. I don't miss all of the other crap- the lies, dishonesty, misleading, never satisfied, etc.

Time will tell I guess.... But I'm not waiting around for her. I believe I'm a pretty good catch and I'll continue to work on myself to make me the best person I can be.

e

[Vapo]

Hang in there buddy. You are not alone...

[15Stang]

Thx Vapo. I will hang in there. The pain has lessened quite a bit. I can get pretty angry if I dwell on for too long. But at the end of the day it's her choice. I can't change my past. I can change my future. I take it one day at a time.