Status Unknown

[sandi2]

Even only a few months into this, and I can already see the similarities and differences in what we are both facing. Some days, we feel/act/react like we are on different planets. On others, we both realize we ultimately want the same thing, to be loved by each other. When I first found out about the A, I made a choice to choose love and to put our MR first, and to work through this together. However, since forgiveness/letting go doesn't come easy for her, she is struggling to forgive herself , so that seems to be a major hurdle in dealing with this crisis. She has told me that if "she never forgave me for the past, and she can't forgive herself, how could I forgive her?" She often tells me, "you'll never trust me again, because I've never trusted you again."

Forgiveness is a choice. A person cannot earn forgiveness, b/c true forgiveness is an act of grace. Christians should be able to understand that concept. However, I know some folks who just carry the title........without actually doing what the scriptures teach.

I understand how difficult it is to forgive herself. That was very hard for me, and I've learned how certain things can trigger remorse again. I have also learned that whenever old feelings threaten to open wounds, you have to tell yourself that you chose to forgive.......and you still choose to forgive. Not allowing old resentments to setup house in our heart. The feelings from forgiving someone (even yourself) doesn't necessarily occur instantly, but they'll get there.

Your W may not be able to forgive you of everything in one big scoop. She may have to break it down and take the smaller issues first......and work her way up to the more serious. Holding back forgiveness places her in the same boat as her offender. Her ability to forgive is attached to her willingness. Her problem is that she doesn't want to forgive.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Forgiveness is a choice. A person cannot earn forgiveness, b/c true forgiveness is an act of grace.

Beautiful. In my process now, I'm learning how forgiveness of self and others is key to moving forward. As I'm wrestling the depression I've now learned that I have, I'm seeing sources of this throughout my life and working towards forgiveness of others.

My parents are wonderful, but they also sheltered me too much as a child. We always hid problems and ignored them so they wouldn't cause heartaches, issues, etc. I'm learning my withdrawls, depression were happening because there were feelings I trapped to not cause issues and that led me to my natural defense mechanism being withdrawal. I'm working towards forgiveness (not sure when it will come) because I'm struggling with how to go about it. I know I will figure this out and I think it's important for me to move forward.

True forgiveness not only relieves pressure, tension of the one who is forgiven, but is cleansing for the person who forgives.

[LW2381]

Update and now terribly confused:

So after our spat last night, she just texted me and said "I have been trying really hard lately, and I feel like you just don't want me around." She then says, I feel like "you're playing games" bc my FB doesn't say I'm married. I don't even really know how to change that? I am not a social media guy...I have told her repeatedly "I want you, I want us and nothing or nobody else. She says, "I don't know what you want bc you say one thing and then act another way." I have been trying to give her space, I don't text or call during the day very often, and when we are home I am not physically affectionate, bc I feel like she needs to initiate on her terms. No intimate contact at all, nor has there been any allusion to that. This is fine, I don't push for it, but I am also trying not to be clingy or needy, so I don't know what to do or how to act. She has said "I don't know what I want" so I don't push. She says, "I ignore her every night, and I don't make any effort to have any conversation with her". What am I supposed to do? I have backed off, I am not cold, I still say ILY, kiss her, hug her, and try to be playful. I feel like all the emotions she is feeling (like she's losing me) are being pushed off onto me to make me feel guilty. I am tired of being the safety net here. I refuses to say she wants to be with me, and her actions look more like she is just biding her time then trying to be my W.

How do I act???? I want her to know what I want her, but I am not going to be needy or clingy either. Why doesn't she see the hurt, confusion, and uncertainty that I am feeling????

[LW2381]

I apologize for the previous rant, I am normally much more calm and put together than that. It really just throws me into fits when I am made out to be the bad guy for giving her space, it almost seems that it drives her nuts when I do my own thing. I am not cold or distant, I just try to occupy my time, and not follow her around the house like a puppy dog. I know the goal is for me to be happier, and I am, but then she freaks and I'm on the front row of her freakin' roller coaster.

To address all of the amazing previous posts:

Tryin-That's a good idea, I will suggest a night with either me or me and S. If she chooses girls night, that's cool, but do I stay home with S? Do I find a sitter and do my own thing? What is the best play here. I do want her to know that I am not going to sit idly by while she goes out, but I also think it may mean a lot for me to watch S, so she can do her thing. Decisions, decisions.

Well played on the mistaken text. I get those sometimes with the I love you, quickly changed to I love y'all. God forbid she give me any glimpse that she may actually love me.


Btrow-You are right, I CHOSE to move past this, at the time she said "I never thought you really loved me, but this proves you do." So forgiving the A (for a moment at least) was the ultimate ILY. Then she proceeded to tell me, she felt like I was only doing it to prove a point....not sure what point, but ok.

Sandi- You are the best. I am fully prepared to work through the forgiveness in stages. The resentment is big for her, she will not admit it, but resentment set up in her heart a long time ago, and has slowly been building, up until this point. I know I am the cause of a lot of that, but can only do so much to rectify it. Most of that is on her, and I am earnestly praying for the softening of her heart, because she doesn't want to forgive as of now.

Thank you all for everything, I can't tell you how much these boards mean.

Be Well
LW

[sandi2]

I think it's b/c she is using you as the scape goat. If this is the pattern she used in the past, why wouldn't she use it now?

I don't think a wayward can be left to heal in their own way, b/c they need guidance in the healthy way. She needs information about the addictive power of affairs, and how her resentment has eaten away her loving feelings for you. I don't think she will listen to you give her that information, but if she really wanted help in saving the MR.........it seems she would seek how to do it correctly. However, if she believes she is right and refuses to accept her part of the breakdown, then she probably won't seek help.........unless you make it manatory. Blindness to self and unwillingness are her enemies.

I think she is so wrapped up in her own feelings that she is not seeing your pain. For so long now, she has blamed you for the condition of the MR, and for her unhappiness. Until she learns through therapy or reading material with an open mind.......she may not recover from her negative attitude toward the M.

I don't know what she's done that classifies her "working so hard", unless she is referring to NC with OM. Have you been able to see her attempting to make things better between you? I'll be honest and tell you that I had no desire, whatsoever, to put forth any effort. I blamed my H for the problems, but thankfully, I was getting information from the board and soon saw my excuses for what they were.

Another thought behind this constant blaming, is the possibility of her sneaking contact with OM. If so, the blaming would be used as her attack/defense mechanism.

[LW2381]

Sandi-

You are exactly right, to the letter. I see that she can see my pain bc she is so wrapped up in her own feelings. That is spot-on, there has never been truer words spoken. However, anyone that could/would speak truth to her has been cut out. Including her family. She is going to MC with me, but it seems as more as a formality to say "she tried everything".

I agree that she won't get help, I have tried (lovingly) to tell her she needs her own IC. However, I KNOW, that if I make it mandatory she will bolt. I know this because as you say, she hasn't done anything to improve the MR. Not transparency, no remorse, etc. And like, you it appears as though, she has no desire to put forth any effort. Any time it is addressed, she says "I'm here, so that should tell you what I want." Eventually, her excuses will catch up with her, but I fear that I won't be around, and I mean that. I am a good guy, I made mistakes, but there are people out there who will Love me (and I am learning to love myself, in spite of bad choices) no matter what.

She may be in contact with OM, but as my MC says, no point in snooping, bc bible says "all sins will come to light." She told me the first time anything happened, so the guilt was too much. So if she is in contact, not my monkeys. I have me and my S to fight for now. I am tired of being the scape goat for her circus though. She is starting to see that, that I am not putting up with her crap. I think that is why she is using the "you don't want me" trap. I haven't been cold or distant at all, i am just not at her beck and call anymore. She doesn't always know where I am (she did before bc of trust issues and my attempt at maintaining honesty and accountability). However, the tables have turned and she can't stand the pressure. MC said don't ask for cell-phone login (because of her fragile emotional state), but what do you think, do i ask and see if she balks? I feel like that would be a sure-fire way to know at least some of her standing (even though I know there are ways around it)?

Also, finding a person faith is truly a blessing. I feel as though at times, I have told God "I can't do this" you take it. However, I also know that he wants us to stand up for ourselves, so when I turn my worries over to him, I feel relief, but she comes back with "it's obvious you just don't care." Do i keep letting God have it, and put a smile on and love her, or do I fight for me?

Thanks-

LW

[Tryin2figuritout]

Also, finding a person faith is truly a blessing. I feel as though at times, I have told God "I can't do this" you take it. However, I also know that he wants us to stand up for ourselves, so when I turn my worries over to him, I feel relief, but she comes back with "it's obvious you just don't care." Do i keep letting God have it, and put a smile on and love her, or do I fight for me?

Pull it together LW... you got this!! You probably get to do a little of all of the above!!! She's not stable right now, so you're going to get that up and down.

Best of luck.

[LW2381]

Yeah, about that up and down, I'm not sure how much more of that I can take. I'm tired of being blamed (I'm not perfect, but enough is enough), I'm almost at my breaking point. I don't deserve this crap, and could do better on my own. I almost feel like I'm starting to feel jaded by all of this. I'm not scared by much, and I am definitely not scared to figure this out without her.

LW

[Tryin2figuritout]

LW,

Feeling jaded is totally natural and it goes with the territory. Try to just take a step back and breathe. What are you doing for yourself today, for this weekend? Got any plans with your S? If not, make some.

Distraction is key to not being swallowed in the mess. GAL. You got this.

Trying

[Tryin2figuritout]

LW... hope all is well and you enjoy your weekend.