She has always been hypersensitive, and one that does not let go easily. She is not an apology and move on kind of person, it takes a lot of action to move forward with her. Which is fine, I am willing to do that (and have w/ the porn.). However, she lives double standard in that she wants the world to forgive, but I should simply take "i'm sorry" and move on.
Have these issues been covered in the MC sessions? In order for her to heal emotionally and have a chance at a happy MR.........she must let go of her resentment toward you and forgive you for the past. She may require a lot of professional and spiritual guidance. Waywardness has at least three main issues.....resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. If she is unwilling to work through these issues and forgive you for the past...........she will not experience peace and freedom in her spirit and these issues will continue to tear at the MR. They will also hold back the remorse, b/c as long as she can blame you for her unhappiness.........she feels her affair was justified.
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Her complaints are mainly that "I get so mad at her all the time." I validate by saying "I understand that you think I am mad, and I am sorry that is how you feel, but I am not mad at you." She feels like when I get quiet and avoid the fights, that I am being passive aggressive. I may have grown into a type of "nice-guy" over the years, but that is mainly in part to control the anger that could explode at any moment. I have learned to control myself over the years, but may have taken it too far and taken too much.
Have you ever tried anger management or had group therapy for your anger?
I'll share this about my family. Growing up. I use to think my dad was mad when he spoke to me in a serious tone. His siblings had the same traits. When I grew up and was teaching a group of teenagers, I had one of them to tell me they often thought I was angry when I taught. It shocked me down to my toes! I was not angry whatsoever. I felt very passionate about what I taught..........but I was not mad at anyone.
I said all of that to suggest it could be "how" you sound or appear to her. Have you ever heard a tape or seen a video of yourself when you did not realize it was being recorded? Do you believe she has a legitimate reason to feel you are mad at her all the time, or do you think she is over reacting due to her hypersensitivity?
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We are in MC once a week, and she willingly goes, and from what he says "our R has become toxic, due to the porn and the A." So we must remove the toxicity before we can begin to rebuild. He is of the opinion that our old marriage died, and it is time to rebuild. He specializes in A recovery, so I think we are in the right place as far as that goes.
Great! Hopefully, s/he will give you the tools to remove the toxicity and rebuild a new MR. Old behaviors can change, but it is easy to get lazy about sticking to new ones. People need solutions as to how to get to where they want the MR.
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I see what you mean by not having both feet in, and looking back, she normally lashes out when I bring up something she may have some guilt about. I.e. Facebook. That has always been a complaint of mine, that she spends more time on there than paying attention to me. When I brought that up last night, there was no reason she should have been upset about my words, but she saw that I noticed she was on there constantly during dinner, and felt guilty for it.
Why not suggest to her about giving each other the opportunity to exchange just one bad habit in etiquette? Your request would be that she not bring her phone to the table during meals (or turn the phone off). She may make a request equally. Don't make a laundry list of house rules......just one rule of etiquette you each agree to accept out of consideration for your spouse.
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I keep going back to what you said early on in my posts about her being so lost and never feeling like she can be in love with me again. I just struggle to make sure that I be the best I can be for me and my S, but also to let her know that I will fight for US.
As a Christian I am taught to live my life as unto the Lord. That means being my best even when nobody else sees me, and doing it b/c of Him. I figure if I can live in such a way that is acceptable to Him, that's the highest and best that I can possibly accomplish.
That feeling of having lost one's moral/spiritual compass is why I encourage the necessity for therapy in healing after an affair. Each of you have different fears for the future and head visions of the past.........including the affair, the porn, etc. You may experience resentment hitting you hard......at a later time. It is all a part of the painful healing. Once you feel she is back, your focus may shift and thoughts/emotions rise up about what she has done. It's very challenging b/c you're going at different speeds and not always in the same lane. The destination should be the same, but getting there tells the story of two individuals working through a terrible crisis. When you stop and think about it..........an affair in a MR is one destructive force that most people won't lay aside their personal views and join together to work as a team in supporting the wounded. You will get a lot of advice/viewpoints, but the work is left to the two spouses. You can't do her healing, and she can't do yours.
My dad told me something on my wedding day that I have never forgotten. "Marriage can face most anything, as long as love remains the foundation".
The first time around was easier b/c the feelings came first and then the work. The second time around requires doing the work first and then the feelings will follow.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Originally Posted By: sandi2 Since she is not feeling the way she use to feel about you, it scares her into doubting those feelings will ever return. It just takes time to heal. If we could see the emotional damage the way we can see a physical part of our body destroyed..........maybe we could see how the healing was progressing. Even if she is being honest with you, her feelings cannot "snap" back.
My advice for you at this point, is not the same that I would tell a H who had a W that refused to work on the M. Just want to clarify this for anyone reading this thread.
Sandi - Curious what the difference would be for a H who had a W that refused to work on the M in the above example? I know this is a gigantic issue for my W that she has to deal with (doubt that feelings would ever return). How should I approach?
Well thank you for asking. Actually, I talked about that subject in more detail in my threads about the mindset of the WW. The first one is posted on Cadet's welcome post.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well thank you for asking. Actually, I talked about that subject in more detail in my threads about the mindset of the WW. The first one is posted on Cadet's welcome post.
Thanks Sandi. So many reference points between the book and the blog, I can't keep up. Will go back to this again.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Yes some of that has come up in MC, and we have even discussed that she has held onto to everything for so long, that it is eating away at her soul and the MR. Once again, I know my part in this, as it is not all her, but she doesn't let go of anything. MC also thinks that this is part of why there has seemed little if any remorse. We are trying to work through that with MC, but it is a day by day process for us.
As far as the anger goes, I have worked through that with IC, and from what he sees, it is not so much an anger issue as it is, like you said, "how" I portray it. I was a youth pastor for several years (until all of this happened) and my students/leaders often commented about my tone, and speech patterns. Not that I was angry, but more so that I can be very "matter of fact" in my tone and body language.
In combination with her hypersensitivity, it is a dangerous combination. I am working daily on my "how" i speak and react, and I guess that is all I can do. I really do not get angry about much and sometimes I feel like that may be used against me as a "scape-goat" for what she has done/is doing.
I will try that rule exchange, and see how that goes. I have never considered a trade, but that is a really good idea!
As a Christian myself, I always try to hold myself to that same standard, "if it is pleasing to him." I do see that in some respects (as naturally a crisis does) it has drawn me closer to the lord. Early on in the process I was angry with Him, but I have since realized that his plans are not only bigger than I can see, but also than he can do far more than we can imagine. So I have drawn nearer to him. My W, however, has done the opposite. She has always been the far more faithful believer of the two of us, and is in part a big reason I found the Lord again. She has lost her spiritual compass, and the MC is intent on helping her and me regain that with each other.
Even only a few months into this, and I can already see the similarities and differences in what we are both facing. Some days, we feel/act/react like we are on different planets. On others, we both realize we ultimately want the same thing, to be loved by each other. When I first found out about the A, I made a choice to choose love and to put our MR first, and to work through this together. However, since forgiveness/letting go doesn't come easy for her, she is struggling to forgive herself , so that seems to be a major hurdle in dealing with this crisis. She has told me that if "she never forgave me for the past, and she can't forgive herself, how could I forgive her?" She often tells me, "you'll never trust me again, because I've never trusted you again."
The feelings can return and that is exactly what the MC says. If we do the work, the love can and will return. I have told her repeatedly that I am on board for the long-haul and am ready to do the work, I am just praying earnestly that God softens her heart and we can move through this together.
-LW
Me-35, W-31 T: 12 M: 11 S5 BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce Divorce off table 1/17 EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
So last night was okay, got home from work, we were pleasant with each other. Went to bed, before she goes to sleep she leaned over and said "Goodnight, I love you", and kissed me. As I was trying to tell her back "I love you" my S jumped between us (just playing) and accidentally hit her in the face. She said to him "you just hit me in the face (no anger), and laid her head down. I never even got to say ILY back. About 30 min she rolls over and says to me, "I hope you remember this night, I told you GN and ILY, and you couldn't even say it back." I told her I was sorry, that I was trying and then my S jumped on her. She was extremely angry. I kissed her goodbye this morning (she was still asleep) like a always do and told her ILY. Just venting, I have no idea how she will be today....or if we'll even speak.
That is how most things go lately, nothing explodes into something. So frustrating.
Also her Birthday is Sunday, and I bought her a SPA day, shoes, and some other stuff. I have asked her 3 times if she wanted to go out for her birthday Sat. night, and she avoids it every time. However, yesterday she mentioned her friend (the young one mentioned in previous replies) wanted to do a girls night for their birthdays. It really bothers me that she will jump to for this, but I have mentioned taking her out several times and am totally ignored. Do I just let this go, Do tell her that it bothers me? Do I just set something up for me to do Sat night, or stay home with S so she can go? Really don't know how to handle this....
-LW
Me-35, W-31 T: 12 M: 11 S5 BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce Divorce off table 1/17 EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
That is how most things go lately, nothing explodes into something. So frustrating.
LW - This is how it goes and yes it is frustrating. I spent some time yesterday going back over my piecing blogs here from 4 years ago and I was floored at how difficult it all was. I don't remember the struggle that we went through, so I guess out of sight out of mind. Patience, marathon are big deals.
Originally Posted By: LW2381
Also her Birthday is Sunday, and I bought her a SPA day, shoes, and some other stuff. I have asked her 3 times if she wanted to go out for her birthday Sat. night, and she avoids it every time. However, yesterday she mentioned her friend (the young one mentioned in previous replies) wanted to do a girls night for their birthdays. It really bothers me that she will jump to for this, but I have mentioned taking her out several times and am totally ignored. Do I just let this go, Do tell her that it bothers me? Do I just set something up for me to do Sat night, or stay home with S so she can go? Really don't know how to handle this....
Ask her if she'd like to do a birthday thing with you and S or if she'd prefer girls night. It's her birthday and let her do what she wants to do. She might chose girls night and that's ok because it's her birthday. She might really appreciate the gesture of choice.
My W slipped last night texting and it was a bit harsh. She was at her female co-worker's apartment and was letting me know she'd be late. She told me to tell the kids goodnight and give them kisses and finished with "I Love Y'all". And then got an additional text that said "Love Them Sorry".
I was actually glad she clarified because I'd probably use the other as a sign, a reason to hope, blah, blah, blah. Still stung but good gut check.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
