Status Unknown

[LW2381]

Matrix-

I can totally see where I sounded somewhat "scripted". She even commented is that something the IC said....I probably have not spoken in such terms in the past. She was definitely poking her head out, but the problem with my W is that when she "pokes her head out" it is in the form of accusation, i.e. "you want me to leave, you don't want me, you don't care."

The problem is, this was in text. So no body language was involved. However, she normally does it that way. She does better communicating in text form, she can't emotionally handle the face to face very well. I really appreciate the input here, because I see where this went wrong. She has been trying so desperately to lure me into R talks lately, but something always goes wrong.

[Matrix]

"you want me to leave, you don't want me, you don't care."

She is trying to tell you something here. You certainly don't want to go over the top and say "YES, YES, YES...I want you to stay, I want you, please don't leave".

She is certainly doing some temp checking. You just need to find a middle ground here. You don't want to lunge at her and scare her off, but you don't want to come off as cold or "meh" either.

I think you are in a better position than you think you are. She is testing you. Try and find that middle, loving, confidant and strong ground to respond to her.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Agree with Matrix here. Sounds like you're in a good spot. Doesn't make the next steps any easier, but it is some firm footing.

Keep it up LW.

[LW2381]

Matrix/Tryin,

I appreciate the input, I have definitely noticed she is "poking her head out" and I will absolutely try to not spook her while also maintaining my confidence. That is what got her to notice in the first place, but then I feel like I went into "script mode".

Thanks-

[LW2381]

Update/Journaling:

Had an up and down day yesterday. She came home Sat. night, and came on the front porch to have a R talk. What sticks out most in that conversation is that somehow she brought up the A, and said "at least I told you. When you were looking at porn, I had to find it, so you our situations are way different." It took everything in me not to explode and say, "yeah, but I've never touched another woman....". I didn't, later in the conversation I mentioned, "If you don't want to be with me, that is your choice, and I will respect that." She lost it, and said "that is all that anything with you comes down to, is that..." She stormed off and I let her walk.

Yesterday morning, woke up, and she wants to get right back into the R talk...she makes the comment "you think you are hurting, I tried for 10 years to make this relationship work, and I got nothing from you. You have only been trying for 6 months." She has re-written our history (I know this is a symptom of WW), and made it seem like I was the worst guy in history for the rest of our marriage. She said "maybe it's best if I go away until we think we can get along". I told her, "if that is what you choose, I will support it, but that is not what I want."

5 minutes later she says we should take our S for a picnic with her family today. Per vets' advice, I agree, trying to keep it light and rebuild a friendship first. We go, have a great time, and then we go to a farm to pick strawberries, just me, W, and S. Have a great time together, get home, and she is laying on the bed resting, so I go outside w/ S to play basketball. I come back in and she is acting cold, so I say "if you would like to talk about something we can." She says she is mad bc she was trying to spend time with me and I went outside and left her there. Keep in mind, she never alluded to spending time at that moment with me, and was on her phone (FB, Insta, Pinterest), so I assumed she was not really into "spending time." I apologize and validated (more), and we layed there together quietly, awkward but no talks/fighting.

Last night she says she is going shopping with her sister. I totally support her and tell her to have fun. She comes home and is super friendly and has bought me all kinds of stuff????

We went to bed together in peace, so it was a long day, but it ended well.

Guess I'll keep taking it one day at a time.

Up and down the roller coaster goes.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Script mode is hard. I had to level off as it was confusing the W at first. I think I went panic into action mode that it was too much too soon.

We're all afraid of pushing the wrong buttons while things are fragile. I know I've been positive, been restrained (scripting), but still struggling in my way to balance detachment/GAL and being there for her, but not you know???

It's such a delicate balance and painful. In my sitch, I really only think we've got to get further apart before any mending can happen. The W has apparently been really good at collecting water under the bridge.

Keep up the confidence because it sounds like you've got her attention. Baby steps.

Trying

[LW2381]

Update/Journaling:

Staying off her emotional roller coaster is the hardest thing I have faced so far.

She has been really bad about blaming me for every fight lately, and there are a lot. Last night for example...We went with her family out for BIL birthday dinner. We were getting along great, talkative, happy, etc. About every 5 minutes she would scroll through facebook, put her phone down for 5, scroll through again. I am not suspicious of anything she is doing, but it started to bother me that she was on her phone non-stop (it is this way ALL THE TIME.). Rather than ask her to stop while we are at dinner (this is a 180 for me), I casually tried to discuss FB with her. I asked "I have tried to get into the FB thing, just to see what it's all about, and I simply don't enjoy it like I thought I would." I then ask her, "what do you like the most about it? What is your favorite part, what attracts you to it?"

At this point, I was genuinely trying to understand what drew her to it, I said it sincerely with no condescension or anything. She answered, "you can post all the happy times, and escape the negative stuff. Everyone thinks you are great." Okay, I think this is dumb, but I validated. She then says, "that was rude to ask, but I'm not mad." I simply look at her with this shocked look, and turn my head away. She then proceeds to tell me, "stop you're making a scene, everyone can tell something is wrong with us." I asked her, "what's wrong? Are you okay?" She says, "stop it."

So when we finally get out of the hell on earth that was dinner and get home, she is angry and starts to blame me saying that I acted "really rude, and mad" at dinner. At no point, was I mad, and I don't think my body language indicated that either (I am very cautious of BL after reading this site and watching TED talks.) Yet again, I validated.

I feel like lately she is looking for any excuse to make be out to be a bad guy. Every fight is the end of the world to her. I try to explain that we are in a very "touchy" place in our R and that a lot of the time we are in emotional states and things are blown up for no reason.

I am fighting really hard to not react based on her emotions (because I know she is fragile), but I'm tired of taking the blame for everything. During these times, I struggle to not defend myself at all, and just take it on the chin. I know she is not in her right mind (I can see the depression, mania at times (crazy spending), delusion (FB life), and exhaustion.

Any advice on how to handle these outbursts? I am almost to the point where I am starting to believe that she is in another world and I am the villain, yet I'm the one fighting to keep this M together?!?! Do I continue to take it and validate, or do I defend myself (I am not completely innocent in this, I know I can handle my reactions better) but, when is enough enough?

We are a month past confession of the A, and she still has yet to realize that a big part of all the tension in the M is due in part to that elephant in the room....

Some days are good, and moments (like last night) it feels like it may never work.

Just exhausted....

-LW

[Tryin2figuritout]

Any advice on how to handle these outbursts? I am almost to the point where I am starting to believe that she is in another world and I am the villain, yet I'm the one fighting to keep this M together?!?! Do I continue to take it and validate, or do I defend myself (I am not completely innocent in this, I know I can handle my reactions better) but, when is enough enough?

LW,

I feel for you brother. Had similar roller coaster Sunday night after dinner with her family when talking about everything not being normal, happy and I validated and agree with all this.

I'm not sure I have much great advice because it is all painful and you don't want doormat status. What keeps me going forward are these things:

a) Regrets - No matter how hard it gets I must consider leaving it all on the table and having no regrets. By leaving it all, I don't mean begging, pleading, trying to negotiate with a WAW, but knowing I've made the best Trying in the middle of all this horse manure (beat you censor!!!). If you stopped now and gave up, will you regret this in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc.

b) Family - Our family unit is spectacular and it's simply my R with my W that suffers greatly. Understanding my depression, it's impact to my self-esteem at home and how that has crippled our M has never been clearer. When I look at the big picture of life, I don't see how one would change this family dynamic so drastically through D, but I am coming to grips with me not having all the chips in that decision.

For the chance that this might all work out (thinking of Jim Carey in Dumb & Dumber), it's all worth it and the path is the same either way. The only thing that will attract my W to me is a better Trying because the old Trying really wasn't trying.

I'm not going to improve myself for the W because all bets are off, so this is all for me and my kids. So I do it for Family whether that is the 4 of us or the 3 of us.

Now that I've made all those statements of strength, I'm going to crawl under my desk and try not to think about who's getting the dog in this. ;-) If I'm not laughing, I'm crying and I'd rather laugh.

Best,
Trying

[LW2381]

Tryin-

LOL! Mine can have the dog. I'd rather laugh too, and that is definitely something I'm trying to do more of!

I'm starting to feel like I'm approaching doormat status, but I keep looking back to the wise Sandi's earlier comment, and I try to understand where my wife is. I know this is not the time for me to "air" my grievances. She is extremely fragile, and I can see that, so I know it's not a game.

I will have no REGRETS. I have laid it all on the table, and she knows what I want. I want my wife and I want my family. However, that being said, she also knows at this point that I have not forgotten how to stand up for myself (she is the only one who has ever had any power over me). She knows I will fight for US, but I won't be walked on. Period.

FAMILY---I'm with you tryin. Our R suffers, but our F dynamic is amazing. We co-parent amazingly together, no matter how far gone we are. I firmly believe that God doesn't make mistakes and knew what he was doing with the infertility/adoption and creation of our family.

"So you're saying there's a chance (one of my fave movies)." Yes, I just have to keep working on me, and my path. However (and maybe I'm terribly arrogant in this) she knows, deep down, that I have not been a terrible husband to her. I think she is justifying what she has done (the A). She seems to try to find anything she can that I do wrong, and I know I can do things better, but I am at the point now, this is about ME and MY S, and all bets are off.

Keep laughing, you have a lot to be happy about. Tough for me to say, but I truly believe that there are big things in store for you and me.

LW

[sandi2]

It almost sounds like entrapment. Whenever I see a WW creating a case against her H...I suspect she is either in some type of contact with the OM, or else she has no intentions of staying in the MR and is magnifying everything that comes to mind.
Public opinion seems important to her, and that could be the base of her building a stronger case against you. Mainly, I think she is doing what most WW's do..........which is twist things to make the H responsible for being a bigger cad than her.

Has she always been this hypersensitive?

I think you are doing well, but I want to add a few words about the scripted mode. Unless a poster says you need to repeat certain words to your W, then stay away from quoting statements you've read on the board. First of all, the information you are reading here is for you.......and not her. The board gives you the tools for DBing.
Most of what you repeated to her, were things said here to help get you to a better mental/emotional place.......and to think more clearly.

Secondly, she knows you so well that when you start using new terms or phrases with her.........she knows this is not coming from you, but rather someone else. I have talked to enough couples to know it is not as effective when the other spouse suspects you've picked it up in a book, a class, or whatever. They tend to take an attitude of "rolled eyes".

You posted how you would validate your W when she complained about you. I'm curious as to how you validated. What did you say?

Any advice on how to handle these outbursts? I am almost to the point where I am starting to believe that she is in another world and I am the villain, yet I'm the one fighting to keep this M together?!?! Do I continue to take it and validate, or do I defend myself (I am not completely innocent in this, I know I can handle my reactions better) but, when is enough enough?

This is an example of the need to get both of you into therapy. What's the holdup?

I think she is feeling tons of resentment, and like most WW's.........she will twist things and try to place full responsibility on her H. Currently, you are caught in a "damn if you do and damn if you do not" spot. If you are guilty of what she says, then own it, apologize, and make an effort to not repeat that action in the future. If she is knit picking, then you can either tell her you were not trying to offend her......or you can ask her if she has a solution to recommend. If she does, then hear it and you can decide if it's acceptable or not. The point is not to just sit there and take her bashing (or as you called it taking on the chin). Don't put up a defense, just tell her you are sorry she sees it that way........and if necessary, you can walk into another room to put some temporary distance between you.

She doesn't have both feet in the MR yet. I suggest you pay attention to what she was doing right before her mood shifts and she starts accusing you of something. For instance, when you and S went out to throw a ball........she was left alone with her phone. There are sooooo many triggers. Also, if she has a friend or relative who makes negative suggestions about the M or you...........then it fuels another angry round of accusations.