Status Unknown

[LW2381]

Sandi-

You never cease to amaze. I am printing this now, because all of this makes so much sense to my sitch.

I guess the hardest one for me is trying not to rescue, save, and fix my sick W.

I see her pain, and want so badly to take it from her, even though she is responsible for her actions. Per your previous comments, I am careful to let her know that she is not walking alone in this, but also that all pressure is off, and she is free to be her, and to heal in her way.

Thank you.

[Dawgs]

However, now that the situation has changed, I am going to make some time for ME. I can only work on me, and I see this is a big part of it.

I mention hobbies because they can be a life saver, in a sense. Something to totally focus one's mind on - even if its just a little. A bunch of littles turn in a big...

I agree with you concerning the children. Mine absolutely come first - nothing even takes their time. My hobbies come when they are asleep or at their mom's.

Good on ya, you seem to be doing well!

[LW2381]

Jeep-

Thanks, I will watch for the littles, and pray for the BIG.

[LW2381]

Update/Journaling:

Last night we hung out as family, and everything was light. No R talk, although a couple of times she asked "What's on your mind?", and I am not sure if this was temp checking to see if I was willing to break down, or if she was generally concerned. I wanted to explode with "What's on my mind? What do you think? I am sitting here trying to figure out my life and future with or without you!!!!" However, rather than do that, I simply replied "I'm great". Seemed to be met with a suspicious indifference on her part. I have been happy and upbeat with W and S at all times, and more than anything, this truly helps me feel better. At times it is forced, but getting in the habit of appreciating my life, regardless of what it looks like at the moment, really helps.

I love roller coasters, but per the Vets amazing advice, I am getting off her emotional one. I love her, and tell her that, and let her know I'm here when/if she is ready, but I'm not going to let her emotions dictate mine anymore. I've had enough of that.

Keep up the fight everyone. That is one thing everyone on this board has in common, we are all fighters.

[Tryin2figuritout]

I love roller coasters, but per the Vets amazing advice, I am getting off her emotional one. I love her, and tell her that, and let her know I'm here when/if she is ready, but I'm not going to let her emotions dictate mine anymore. I've had enough of that.

Keep up the fight everyone. That is one thing everyone on this board has in common, we are all fighters.

Love all this. This is great stuff brother. Keep on fighting.

[MoveFrwd]

You may enjoy the TED talk by Amy Cuddy on body language and faking it until you make it.

[LW2381]

Kaizen-

I'll check it out.

Thx

[LW2381]

Ok, Update time. Need advice, badly.

Just to catch up....I have been posting more pictures of myself w/ S lately on social media (I'm not normally a big poster.). I have been extremely happy and seemed very "as if" lately with her. I let her know I was here for her, but I (like I said in earlier posts) I am not riding her emotional roller coaster. She called today, to let me know that all of the posts and the way I was acting seemed like I was trying to hurt her. She said "something's different", so she noticed my 180's. However, she replied "it's like I have tried really hard and you just don't care if I walk away." I validated again, and explained that "I had some realizations and that I had come to grips with some things. She asked "like what". I replied that I am here and love her, but that nothing I say or do will change her mind about staying or going, that's on her. That I wasn't going to force it any more, and that she knows what I want, but I can only control me." She says that "I shut her out" and she feels like "you don't want me." I validated, yet again, and told her that "i want you, but I don't NEED you. I will be fine whether you stay or go."

This whole time, she will never say whether she wants me or not. She also always replies "that is always the focus with you, why can't I just work through this?" Which I don't get because when I tried R talks, she felt "pressured." When I backed off, she felt like I didn't want her.

Regardless, she invited me to a family dinner (with a begrudging tone), and I politely declined and said I was going to have dinner by myself. She said okay, "I'm going out after family dinner." I said okay, have fun.

Needless to say this goes on from here, she says "I am going to get some stuff and leave, and you can pick up S tomorrow, to spend time with him." I said okay, no problem, "at least I know how you feel." She says, "I'm done. I'm leaving." I said okay, let's meet to discuss logistics of this.

She's says, "I'll come home tonight, and we can discuss." I said "okay" and that is where we left it.

I just feel like things spiraled out of control, and she claims i wouldn't let her discuss her feelings.

What do I do, how do I handle, I was feeling really good about where I stood. I was confident and now I feel crushed. Was she temp checking, did she really hope to have a R talk?

Advice, Feedback please!

[LW2381]

Tonight has been awkward. Went our separate ways and did our own thing. Felt weird being out by myself, but I know this is something I have to do. Still don't know if she'll come home or stay at her mom's. Almost feel like backing off and letting her have space, may have made her feel like I really don't want her. Still not going to beg and plead with her to stay. Guess, I'll keep on keepin on....

[Matrix]

I validated again, and explained that "I had some realizations and that I had come to grips with some things. She asked "like what". I replied that I am here and love her, but that nothing I say or do will change her mind about staying or going, that's on her. That I wasn't going to force it any more, and that she knows what I want, but I can only control me." She says that "I shut her out" and she feels like "you don't want me." I validated, yet again, and told her that "i want you, but I don't NEED you. I will be fine whether you stay or go."

Sandi posted something the other day about making sure that we don't sound too "robotic" or like we are reading from a book. The above quote sounds a little "robotic" or "booky". Have you talked like this to her in the past? Is this your normal way of putting things bluntly to her?

I certainly think what you said was in perfect DB form. I just want to make sure that when you respond or speak to your wife, that you don't come off rehearsed. I think you are handling yourself well, but something spooked her off. It seems like she was poking her head out of her mouse hole and for whatever reason, she withdrew.

Go back and dissect your interaction with her. Try and figure out at what point she pulled back and why. Was it your body language? Was it your tone? Figure it out and maybe alter that the next time. It seems as though she is trying to peek out of her castle and for some reason ,she is getting spooked.