Next phase: Divorce and Acceptance

[job]

Pax,

I had a very similar experience with the junk mail and sending me mail that was redirected to one of five mailing addresses for my xh. In fact, he would put everything in a large envelope, address the envelope and then put it in my mailbox. At the time, he lived 90 minutes away. He would write nasty, demanding stuff on the outside of the envelope. Other times, he would send stuff to me via the mail and write nasty things on the back so the postal staff would see it.

As for the junk mail, I think it's his way of giving you info so that if you need help w/something you can call one of those junk mail advertisers and not ask him to do anything.

As for addressing things to you in your maiden name, yes, it's passive aggressive and in his own way, he's telling you the marriage is over and in his mind, he is already divorced.

Is your car registration in both names? If so, I would look into changing that so that your registration doesn't go to him again.

I do understand how you feel about having your guard up. He's clearly not happy and he is clearly sending you a message that it's over (at least in his mind).

They really do strange things when they are in crisis and you just never know what they'll come up w/next. You are always on high alert when this kind of behavior comes into play. Some do it and others don't...but I would venture to say your h is a conflict avoider and a passive aggressive individual, i.e., much like my xh.

[Pax_luv]

Greetings all,
Hope you had a lovely weekend. Just felt like popping in...

Things continue to be super busy with me so I'm not really able to post much. However, I am following along and am rooting for peace for all of you from afar.

On Thursday, I went to a taping of an Oprah special. I am a huge Oprah fan. When me and ex first separated, I dedicated every conscious moment to fixing myself. I basically memorized DR, journaled, went to therapy, etc. The only television show I allowed myself to watch was Oprah's super soul Sunday. I would record it, and watch each episode 2-3 times while taking notes on general learnings. Now every time I watch it, I'm reminded of my experience sitting on the floor of my apartment with itchy cheap carpet that gave me a rash, surrounded by my cardboard box furniture, dog by my side, trying to absorb everything while just sobbing away. For some reason, going back to that place emotionally is just humbling. I've come so far and I'm proud of it.

Anyway, once a year, oprah brings the thought leaders together and provides a day of lectures and it gets filmed. I went last year and also went this year.... Oh my, it just fills me up. I'm not sure if I can even reference what I just did on this forum (sorry Job if I broke any rules) but I wish I could share the learnings with you all. Ugh- it was so good.

One of the most interesting things to me is, these renowned speakers all were put on their path of enlightenment and spirituality after hitting rock bottom. They all had serious vices and all were given a choice point where they could go down one path or another. They all chose the difficult path that required a ton of work and rebuilding and all of them came out the side better versions of themselves.

"I took the easy way out and It's the best decision I ever made." said NO ONE ever!!!

I'm reminded of all of us here where sometimes we need something like the destruction of a marriage for all of us to truly rebuild our lives for the better. I personally can speak to this. I'm 3 times the woman I was back when this all started over 2 years ago and I'll continue to grow and be a seeker, a liver, and a compassionate human. I always promise myself to make an effort to never get complacent. I don't ever want to be the girl I once was. Sure, she had a charmed life.... House on the hill, fancy cars in the driveway, nice watch on the wrist. Sure there was financial value there, but no other value. I wasn't even valued as an individual with ideas and feelings. More importantly, I didn't value myself as an individual with thoughts and feelings that (heaven-forbid) were not in alignment with her husband or anyone else's. I will never, ever, ever put myself in that position again. Co-dependent no more!

I digress.

On an ex related note.... Last week was tough as I had to get my docs organized to prove that I was an active parent to my dog. It was emotional as I had to go through all our old text messages including all the spew. It's hard. I know I'm dealing with a monster and I'm not just saying that. I was married to the guy.... I know what he's capable of. I'm put into the position of being hyper-vigilant which is the complete opposite of how I want to live my life. I'm not sneaky... I'm a law abiding citizen and I'm fair and just.... And I'm in a situation I don't want to be in, but I have to be in it for now. Ugh.

I'm bouncing all over the place. Apologies for the flow. I hope you all have a great week full of love and laughter!
Be well.

[bttrfly]

no worries. overall you sound great. i know the ex stuff is a drag. remember it's not forever. this is a phase in your life, it doesn't have to DEFINE your life. But Pax, you already know that! {{{{{xoxoxoxo}}}}}

[Pax_luv]

Hi DB fam! Hope you're well.

Had a few dips this week in regards to ex and my failed marriage. The beautiful part of this is, I'm very grateful that the dips continue to get shallower and shorter.

A few days ago, I couldnt sleep so I got googley in the middle of the night. I googled my marital home to see if anything new was going on with it. Ive mentioned ex is a snake so I wouldn't be surprised if he tried something shady. I've said that before...... But I don't underestimate this guy. I've seen him in action. Google earth had a new pic of the house and in the driveway in my parking spot was a little black sports car. All his other cars were there so I don't know what/who's car this is.

No mind reading..... But of course the thought of him moving someone in went through my mind and she is better than me in all areas of my life. She's smarter, prettier, more successful, makes more money than me (a HUGE deal to ex) and he is the happiest he's ever been, and he loves her, and she's living my life with my old friends and they all like her better than me.

Clearly, my imagination took over and I spinned and cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I woke up, got out of bed and was so thankful that those sinking feelings had dissipated over night and I was back on track. That by far, is the greatest blessing.

I'm supposed to have a court date on Wednesday. Everything was supposed be wrapped up by now, but we still haven't started. I'm not sure if I'm going to have to show up or if it's going to get rescheduled. Either way, I did get really upset about picturing myself in a court room to finalize this. It's very surreal.

Other than that, things are good. My job is fantastic, I'm in the process of booking a getaway, and I start another 60 day gym challenge may 1. Looking forward to getting stronger- mentally, physically, and emotionally.

That's it for now. Onwards, friends. Enjoy the weekend!

[Pax_luv]

Hello lovely DBers,
Just popping in.... Per usual I continue to read along when I can, but feel i have no value to add to the convo. It seems like all the posters are in uncharted territory for me. I swear, I feel like I'm the only one who's ex hasnt shown any confusion or hesitation. truly, I think its more ego than anything. he may have felt something, but I'll never know.

So, today I started my next 60 day challenge. Again, it's a structured diet, with workouts, and team events. It got to me a bit because it's a big commitment. Really, the whole thing is about dedication and ones ability to delay gratification. It had me thinking a bunch about the marriage and i had to think, there's no way even the old h could do something like this. Even though it's 60 days and it goes by so fast.... He never showed me that he was willing to sacrifice anything. It all had to be instant gratification based on what he wanted when he wanted it. He wrote people, places, and things off quite frequently.

So all that thinking led to a night filled with dreams about him. I swear, my 6 hours of sleep consisted of tiny naps of various h dreams. One where we reconciled, one where he murdered someone and it was so hard because I felt like I could help him and prevented it, but I didn't speak up. Then there was another one where he was really nasty to me and his girlfriend wrote me a letter about how he belongs to her now. So crazy! It was an exhausting nights sleep, that's for certain.

So... Honestly I do have a little anxiety about what's to come. obviously! Things are starting to get moving legally. FINALLY! Ex's L made a comment to my L that reflected that he was being a little unreasonable with her too. That makes me feel a little better. Not sure why.... I guess I just need tiny nuggets of validation that proves I'm not crazy or nasty or vindictive or spiteful.

Ah well... Life continues to move forward. Next month marks 2 years of separation. I really did underestimate the time this all takes. Strange how in the beginning, we pray for more time and if you're like me... You got on your hands and knees to beg God for more time. Now, I just want this to be over so I can feel free again. I feel like myself, but I still have some ties I need to sever. He still continues to hold me down. I don't wish him any ill will.... I just him out of my life.

Anyway, that's if for now. Wishing you all a peaceful week.

[Pax_luv]

Hello. Wishing you all a lovely weekend.

It's a little dreary in my neck of the woods, so my morning plans to go hiking with some friends got derailed. The good news is, it's 9:30 am im still cozied up in my warm bed.

Been doing a lot of reflecting the past few weeks. I've felt a shift that has left me questioning if now I am the one rewriting history when it comes to my failed marriage. From my current vantage point, it's almost seems like nothing was good in it! Or maybe I'm just extra grateful for the peace and calm and stability that I have in my life now. Either way, I continue to mull it over, dissect it and extract the learnings, and continue to move forward.

I listened to a podcast this week and I appreciated this woman's perpective. she referenced that when we tell stories from our open wounds it's not as authentic because there's tons of messiness in it. However, when we tell our story from our scars, we are able to be more honest with ourselves. I loved this! I feel like here I am 2 years post BD and I'm able to see things much more clearly as that pain isn't as present. Yea... It's takes time for scars to fully heal and I'm not there yet... But I feel well on my way. Thats a blessing! I genuinely feel joy again and I am able to recognize it. I had it once and I unknowingly let it go dormant in me while I catered to my ex and his neurosies for many many years.

My other reflection lies in dating. So, I'm 2 years post BD and 1 month out from 2 years separation. Still not divorced and it's an ugly divorce. While I don't have time to date per se... I still want to put myself out there as a means to get more confidence in myself around men. While I am A-0k, I have yet to fully learn the art of detaching and walk around without a fear of potential rejection from men.

I'm dealing with the fact that I have a major crush (yep I said crush) on this guy and I'm not sure he's that into me. I'm not going crazy trying to pursue him or get him to think otherwise. It's ok if he's not into me. I'm really trying to practice everything I've learned about holding my own while knowing that I'm enough.... BUT... I also deal with the fear of not being enough for someone else <----- this is what I need to tackle next.

Our old MC tried to engrain it in me that I will never be enough for my ex. And while I get her point in doing that.... It leaves me vulnerable to feeling like I'm not going to be enough in my future romantic endeavors. This is why I need the practice!

So with that, the learnings and explorations just keep coming! So much self-help can be exhausting at times, but the investment is well worth it!

Enjoy the day, every one!

[Sotto]

Hi Pax, glad you are doing okay

Just a note on the 'am I enough for...' - probably you have already dug into some of the Brene Brown work? She very much looks at this area and I have found her work really helpful.

It is a work in progress for me, but I am realising the only person I need to be enough for is me. If things don't work out with another person, that doesn't realise I 'wasn't enough' for them - maybe the mix just wasn't right, or they had stuff going on - or whatever.

But I do think feeling 'enough' yourself - without another person's validation - is so important. Then, we are in a good place to start a healthy relationship....

Sounds like you are making good progress towards that. With the guy you have a crush on, I would say be light and friendly - and open to coffee etc?? Is he in a good situation personally?

xx

[pinn]

Hey Pax,

Sounds like you are still killing it with your workouts!! Keep on getting it! I ran a half today that didn't go so well... but at least I did it! I am sorry things are dragging out so long.

Funny what you mentioned about ourselves re-writting history. I wonder that about myself as well. Since so much time has passed now, I honestly have trouble remembering what was real and what wasn't anymore.

I also don't feel like I am 'enough', or I didn't. It is hard because I already didn't feel like enough in my relationship and that was obviously amplified on BD day. I worry about it but I have put much thought into it the past 2 years. It is definitely something I have to work on in my next relationship (either with WW or with someone else). I feel like it is a feeling I can recognize much easier now which makes it easier to work on.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I understand what you are feeling. Though I am jealous, I think you should try and send little feelers to feel your crush out. Nothing wrong with that at this point I think.

I like Sotto's questions.. what is his deal personally?? Good situation?

[Pax_luv]

Sotto, thanks so much for your feedback. Always love hearing from you. I'm obsessed with brene brown! Through all the internal work I've done over the last two years, it's almost like I'm hyper aware of all the dynamics that present themselves in everyday interactions and in doing that, I know im not "letting things be." It's weird! It's kind of like Ive gone to the extreme in my awareness and now I'm overthinking everything again!

Pinn! I've missed you, buddy! At least you ran a half... That's a win! I have another full coming up next month. ps- today marks the 1 year anniversary of my very first half! I made that effort thanks to my DB coach and now I'm getting ready for my second full!!! This journey..... You just never know where it will take you!
Pinn, I hope you are ok and things are peaceful and stable!

So to answer your question about my dreamy man. He is super top quality. I feel not up to par with him. I was a bit evasive in my previous post so here's some more info....

We work for the same company, but different departments. Met him a year ago in July and was instantly taken by him. We end up being a part of the same happy hour crowd and hang out in a group setting several times. I like him so much that I just go silent and get nervous around him... It's hard for me to even make eye contact! Turns out we also live(d) in the same complex and we start to build a friendly relationship though it's just that. I was thinking he may be in a relationship.... In January of this year we all go out for drinks and that's when he tells us that he's taking a year long project out of state and he's leaving in March.

The next week, he asks me out. Turns out he wanted to ask me out for a while, but was afraid to ask for my number... The reason he even got it was because we were all on a group text for our recent outing. He told me he couldn't leave without taking the opportunity to get to know me better.

On our first date, we went to a brewery and closed it down. From that point on, we kind of were inseperable but developed our "relationship" slowly. We built on our friendship and kind of were dating even though we knew he was leaving. Again we took it slow, and it was GREAT! He asked me what I wanted to get out of this and I told him that I had no expectations. Truthfully, I was just enjoying the company and appreciating the connection that we were forming.

So after a short 2 months (and after seeing eachother about every day) he moves 2,500 miles away.

He comes back to our home office every few weeks and when I see him, he still gives me butterflies. We catch up and pick up from where we left off. I should note that we do not have a physical relationship during these brief meetings. It's too one-night standish for me.

So, as of now, I'm trumping it up to a great fling, but I still like him. We do not talk every day. He mentioned a couple times, "you could come visit if you want." But I'm not sure he's that into me. I'm used to men being pursuers and I'm not getting that with him. We were together for such a short time so we really didn't have a "relationship" and it wouldn't even make sense for either of us to have a convo about it being more serious.

So... My insecurity lies in the fact that I'm not enough for a guy that I really like. Even though he says I could visit if I want, he doesn't come out and say "I want you to come visit." I end up overanalyzing everything, but just want to play it cool.

Ok reading back my synopsis, it reads like a 13 year old.... And that's precisely how I feel.

I just want to let it be, but I dont know how. I'm not attached, but I still want to practice detachment. And again, I keep telling myself that he's just not that into me for a multitude of reasons. He said he likes me tons and I make him fluttery.... But that's that!

See, I shouldn't even be analyzing this because he doesn't even live here! Ok... I'm done.

[pinn]

Damn Pax… your fitness goals never cease to amaze me. You are an inspiration for sure. You always go and get it… the future Mr. Pax is going to be a lucky man.

Haha… yea that is a bit more involved than I thought. Good for you though! This fella sounds a lot like me. Seems to be really laid back. I would have behaved just like he is in the past to be honest. It is one of the issues WW had, and I understand now how it can come across. If I was in this same exact situation… I would also say… “you can come visit if you want” rather than “I want you to come visit”. Even if I was very, very interested. Why would I do that? I am not sure. Maybe it was a fear of rejection? If I say you can come if you want, then there is no direct answer required from you but I feel like I asked… haha if that makes any sense. If she doesn’t bring it up again then she must not want to come. Now I sound like the teenage boy! This is something I am working on in general but I just wanted to share with you one perspective. He might be quite interested and just have the same personality as me.

You sound great though… keep it up!