Job, you are right this is the best and safest place to journal my thoughts and I understand that to do this should be cathartic but sometimes I find it all so painful. I still feel so hurt by what H has done and I can't seem to get past that. I am also grateful for all your comments so please don't stop.
Interesting you should say that they seem to get sick more easily as H has had a couple of really bad bouts of flu since the beginning of the year and I've only had sniffles here and there that didn't amount to much. I did think I was gong to get H's flu the other day but it only lasted a day and then disappeared, phew!
About the photographs, there is another photo of the three of us that I can sneak out under the radar. I don't want to go too over the top though just in case it looks like a shrine to H! Do you think he might see it as pressure seeing photos of us as a family? My D says I shouldn't worry as he doesnt live here anymore so doesn't get a say in what we do.
Altair - yep, I am soo exhausted right now. I seem to have taken one step forward and three steps back with my emotions. Maybe because it's coming up to the one year mark? Exercise is going great and it helps because it's an hour of the day when I don't think of the sitch.
I must admit that Job is spot on when she says there is nothing you can do or say to change their minds and that they have to go through this journey. I get that now and that's what makes it so d&mn hard to deal with. It's definitely like the mountain analogy. Can't get around it, can't get over it so somehow I've got to get through it. However I've been thinking I need to use dynamite to blast my way through but that just isn't effective at all and makes him stand even stronger. I guess i just wait for the rocks to fall away little by little until I see a glimmer of the other side...
Happy Sunday everyone!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi Coly, I think your daughter is spot on in her comment that this is your home and you can do whatever you like. So if it works for you to pop a further photo out, go for it.
Suiting myself is one of the big things I have learned in this process. Doing what works for me. I spent a long time trying to bring to the table what I thought others wanted to see, now I just try and bring myself and let myself be seen..
I understand what you say about the dynamite. I think we have all felt that way - impatience and desperate for some kind of resolution - certainty. However the more we push for that, the more likely things will go in a direction we don't want - for the MLCer doesn't respond well to pressure..
Good for you with the activity. I do think it's a bonus that your H visits regularly. However, the challenge that brings is for you to stay centred and move forward with your own life too. So do keep making plans for yourself, and get out and meet new people too - it does help bring a sense of balance and a feeling of 'I'll be okay either way here, because I have my own life now too...'
Anyway, you're doing just fine Coly....xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Your daughter is absolutely correct...your home is now the home that you share w/your daughter. Your h hasn't lived there for quite a while and if you want to put out some new photos, then do so and don't worry about how he feels about it. This is your safe haven. If you want to redecorate, paint, whatever...it is now up to you and your daughter to make those decisions.
MLCers do not respond well to pressure. They can kick and scream or they can run for the hills, but pressure doesn't work w/them. Yes, we become very impatient w/them because we are looking for any sign of progress. Progress is very slow as the damage that was done to them emotionally was a very long time ago and that pain has been a part of them for a very, very long time and it's not going to go away w/a snap of the finger. That's why it is so very important to go on w/your life, live it to the fullest because that takes the pressure off of them to be something that they can't be right now to you and your daughter. Also, living your life...it takes your focus off of him as well.
Coly, you are doing great...keep posting and don't be afraid to say how you feel. We all have traveled that path and some are still right where you are. Healing takes time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Sotto, Job, thank you so much for posting and for your encouragement.
I'm not doing so well today. H texted this evening to say he can come over on Thursday this week but I'm not sure if I want to see him. It all feels so wrong. We have no contact from him outside of him coming over in the week. That's it nothing else. It feels as if it's his duty and he doesn't need to do anymore than that. I feel stuck I don't know what to do anymore. I think i want to let go....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hey Sotto, Job, thank you so much for posting and for your encouragement.
I'm not doing so well today. H texted this evening to say he can come over on Thursday this week but I'm not sure if I want to see him. It all feels so wrong. We have no contact from him outside of him coming over in the week. That's it nothing else. It feels as if it's his duty and he doesn't need to do anymore than that. I feel stuck I don't know what to do anymore. I think i want to let go....
I am sorry you are having a rough time. Why is it he comes over twice a week to your house for scheduled visits?
Maybe it is time to let go. Doing what you are doing right now is not making you feel good. Why do these visits if they made you feel sad? If he wants to see D, he can do it outside of the home.
Remember, letting doesn't mean giving up. It just means you need to let him go and any expectations. He needs to miss you. You don't want to be "forcing" him to stay or work on things. You want him to do it on his own will. You deserve that.\
Thank you Ginger. I thought I could handle it, I thought it would be good to keep that connection going but it doesn't feel good. It isn't meeting my needs and I feel like I am being short changed.
I don't get excited to see him anymore although it's nice once he is here but when he gets ready to leave it feels like BD all over again and I can't keep putting myself through it. Your right D can make her own arrangements to see him. I don't need to be involved anymore.
I don't really care anymore if he doesn't miss me that's his right. I've even booked for me and D to go to afternoon tea on Mother's Day on our own when the old Coly would have asked him to come along or waited for him to ask me what we were doing. I dont care anymore, I really don't. I'm too tired and I've spent too much of my time and emotions on someone who doesn't respect me.
How should I tell him that I don't want to see him for family time seeing as we aren't a family anymore...?
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Hi Coly, sorry you're having a rough time and if you don't want to see him on Thursday I think you have a couple of choices.
Firstly, you could just let him know Thursday doesn't work for you this week as you have plans...and just buy yourself a little time...there's no rush to make a decision about whether or not you want to end the arrangement.
Secondly, you could let him know that the visits aren't really working for you. And perhaps he can make other arrangements to see D if he wants to. No more than that needed IMHO.
I understand it must be difficult to be in his company given all circumstances..
Take care Coly :)x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Coly - I am sorry you are having a rough go of it. It's certainly understandable.
The feelings you describe when he leaves? I have felt those, too. I still have a lot of triggers. To this day, whenever I hear my h rattle his keys it brings me back to his heavy duty replay running days.
It has taken me a long time to realize that he himself is a trigger, too.
Just slow down and give yourself 24 hours to think about how to proceed. Do what is best for you. Just remember that if he visits your daughter at home make sure you clear your history on your devices, and all that. They do get crafty about making up an excuse to use the computer for a supposed alternative reason. And meanwhile they snoop at your history, books you've ordered, articles you've visited, etc. (Remember devices are synched.)
The feelings you have are real. Accept them, try to get in the moment and understand them better. Then, be true to you. We all support you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sorry about yesterday, I felt like my emotions were spinning out of control with so many thoughts and fears running through my head. All unfounded obviously!
HaWho, all my devices have passwords on them and he has never asked to use any of them so far. I also I didn't go back to him till today about Friday so it did help to wait before I responded. Yesterday I was ready to tell him I'm throwing in the towel and to never contact me again!
Sotto, it is very difficult when he arrives and when he is about to leave but when he is here it's like the old H. I sometimes have to remind myself that I can't touch him or ask questions about what he is doing etc.
I don't know what to think really. I told H we weren't available on Thursday and he asked if we were still okay for Friday as he usually comes over Wednesdays and Friday's. I told him the truth which was that D was seeing friends on Friday so wouldn't be around and said it was up to him if he still wanted to come over. I said this as I was sure he wouldn't come over because D would be absent but he said he would still come. He called my bluff - blegh! I'm so confused....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
There is no need to apologize for the way you were feeling yesterday. We all have gone through it and some are still going through it. It's okay and you need to feel those emotions and then let them go. Each time you do this, you grow a little bit.
When you talk to your h, do you ever say something like, "h, how did you day go?" or "How did your week go?". Sometimes we have to open the door just a wee bit to get them talking and when they do begin to talk, listen very closely because you'll find out about what they've been doing. You just have to find the right key to open that door just a wee bit. Think of this in another way. When you meet someone for the very first time, you open up the conversation highway just a bit and allow the other person to feel comfortable enough to share. This is what you have to do w/your h. Listen, listen and just ask a few questions that don't center on the relationship but on something that might be of interest to him, i.e., like music, movie, hobby or someone you saw. See how that works. Don't give up on this...practice makes perfect.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
