Thread #2 - Separating

[KevinIn]

Question on detaching.

Part of detaching is to give the spouse their space. Not to pursue, etc. The other part is to let you learn to live without that person.

However, is it not good to detach from your spouse but then turn to others to fill that void? Could be family, friends, etc.?

This week, i found myself texting and IMing certain people way more than i ever did before.

[Zues126]

I've always thought finding other ways to meet your emotional needs was a major part of detaching, provided you do it in healthy ways.

When you look at your WAS as the provider of your self worth, identity, social circle, life witness, companion, and so much more, the loss of her will feel exponential. It makes detachment nearly impossible. As you meet your needs on your own you'll rub your eyes and one day she'll just be a woman. A woman you may love, a woman you have history and children with, a woman you'd like to reconcile with, but not anything more that a woman. This makes it easier to detach, set healthy boundaries, and move forward with your own life.

This is why GAL is so important. It provides you other ways of meeting your needs. The key is to do it in ways that are appropriate for a married man, that fit with the person you want to become.

And, funny enough, even if you reconcile it helps to meet more of your needs on your own outside of the marriage and to remain somewhat detached. Most marital problems come from resentment and unmet needs. If you meet more of your needs on your own you can let go of your expectations of your spouse. This relief of pressure makes the marriage more stable, not less. People think it is the need for each other that keeps a marriage together. Clearly this isn't the entire story. Sometimes it's the relief of those needs that reduces the stress and allows people to co-exist.

[Dawgs]

There is nothing wrong with it, KevinIn. It will work wonders for the soul.

[KevinIn]

Zues - great insight! Definitely spoke to my situation. Thank you!

[KevinIn]

Spending this afternoon planning for our first Mediation meeting to walk through our separation.

Definitely not what i want to be doing at this point in my life.

Any tips?

[Dawgs]

In our case, we were in separate rooms - which is the norm at least in my state. No chance to talk, whatever. Remember, this is a business transaction - nothing more, nothing less. She will become someone you don't know. Just be ready. If you recall, during our mediation, she came out swinging - she tried to show staged pictures of the house; tried to prove that I was mentally unstable when in fact my lawyer had 6 text from her talking about suicide, etc.

I know you want to, but don't look for any DB stuff here. This is a whole different ball game now.

[KevinIn]

My DB Coach gave me some great advice on the DB opportunities.

It was mainly ways to say "no" and stand my ground without being offensive and demonstrating that i hear and understand her opinion even though i may not agree with it.

There's DB opportunities where we agree also. Instead of just saying "I agree", i'll make her feel that it was her idea and i'll add to that idea, to show that we can collaborate on an outcome.

Really, I just need to be nice and polite - just like a business meeting.

[Dawgs]

What if you aren't in the same room?

[KevinIn]

What if you aren't in the same room?

We will be. The goal is for us to work it out together. Thats how its done at the place we found. Very collaborative, hopefully.

[Dawgs]

Best of luck, my friend. At the same time, protect yourself. As I've stated before, mine acted the same way you described - THE EXACT SAME...until the proceedings started and she came out swinging. Just sayin.