Not sure where I am so no title!

[job]

Keep up the good work!

[Coly23]

Thank you Pinn and Job.

Journaling - felt a pang of sadness today knowing I won't hear/see H until Wednesday. I'm sure I'll be okay though. Just got to take one day at a time I know that now but I can't imagine my H ever telling me he loves me again that's what makes me so sad...

Happy Monday everyone....

[Coly23]

Morning everyone! I hope Valentine's Day wasn't too difficult for you all. For me it brings back memories of H not getting me anything for the first time since we got together and us having a really big fight during which he again told me he didn't love me anymore....

Update: H has been over twice a week now for a few weeks and I think it's going okay. I don't initiate contact anymore and he texts me every Monday to let me know when he is available to come over. It usually is dependent on work so I'm not too worried about him taking the lead on that.

I guess I'm still unsure about what is going on in my sitch. He seems happy to come over but I don't get anything more than that. A few weeks ago he couldn't come over at all one week and because I was annoyed I texted him and asked if that meant he will ignore me and he texted back one word 'no' and then texted me every night he was away.

However from our blow out back in January when I asked him to go for a walk on Sunday he still maintains he might not come back. What should I be doing now? should I wait for him to take the next step or can I suggest adding another night on? Is this someone who, as Rose I think said, is exploring reconciliation or just keeping me close as a friend? I don't know I'm all over the place still!

In other news: I'm still exercising loads and I'm starting to see the results so I'm excited about that. D is doing well and is currently studying for final exams. She has also started sending out feelers to local businesses to see if they have any part-time jobs. She still wants a dog so has decided to save up for one!

[job]

Coly,

There are three types of mlcers:

1. Drop-in. This is the mlcer that continues to come to the home, most likely on a daily basis or every couple of days. They have dinner, sit around w/the children and just visit like old times.

2. Droplet. This is the mlcer who comes to home or visits w/you periodically. They may come by every couple of weeks or months. They don't make a habit of being at your residence all of the time like drop-in does.

3. Dropout. This is the mlcer who walks out the door and you never hear from him or see him again for a very, very long time. No contact at all. They ride off into the sunset never to be seen or heard from again by you or family.

Coly, your h sounds like the droplet. What do you think?

I wouldn't text him about adding another night to his visits. If you are happy w/him coming to "visit" periodically, then I would go w/the flow for a while. I, personally, think that he's looking at you as a friend at the moment. I don't think reconciling is on his radar at the moment. He's comfortable w/the way things are going at the moment and you aren't rocking his boat. After all, why should he think about reconciling when he can come visit w/you and then live his life the way he wants the rest of the week w/o you being in his presence and wanting his attention?

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't wait on him. If you have something to do when he wants to come over, reschedule his visit, don't change your plans and don't offer up why you are busy. Say something like "H, that is not a good day/night. I have something else to do that day, let's think about rescheduling for another day" and let him mull that over. He needs to see that you aren't sitting there waiting on him to call, text or come over. You've got a life to live...live it.

Just my two cents.

[Coly23]

Hi Job, thanks so much for your response.

From your descriptions of the different types of MLCers I think my H is between a drop-in and droplet. He is consistently coming over twice a week for dinner and brings food and wine. At the end of January he said he would try to come more often but this hasn't happened as yet and I dont know if I should remind him.

I do make sure that if I am not available I give him an alternative and so far so good. I guess I am trying to build a friendship with him for now but it's hard to remain patient. Maybe I've answered my own question!

[job]

Coly,

Can you be patient a while longer? I wouldn't say anything and/or remind him about what he said about coming over more often. After all, we are only in the second full week of February. Let it play out for a bit. Being impatient, anxious and fearful will play against what you desire to have happen. Patience is a trait that we all have had to learn and the old saying "good things come to those who wait" does really happen. So, sit quietly, be patient a while longer and allow things to be revealed and happen in their own time.

Many would give their right arms to have their spouses coming by, bringing food and wine. Be grateful that he's popping in for now. You aren't operating on your time frame now...but his and that time frame is very, very slow. Don't rush the process, give him the space and time to figure things out. Okay?

[Coly23]

Yes I think I can be patient a bit longer Job!

I think I'm spinning again because he is due go come over tonight. I don't know why but the day before and the day of his visits are the worst until he gets here.

I am very lucky that he is a nice MLCer and comes here often but I want more and it's so difficult trying to keep my expectations in check. So far I have learned not to initiate contact and let him come to me which was really tough to master (as you all know!) so it seems like I hardly have any contact with him now. Maybe that's what causes the spinning, not seeing him very often and then trying to 'act as if' everything is normal... How do I get over this feeling everything he is due to come over....?

[AndrewP]

Coly - I have no good advice for you other than to let you know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal and understandable.

((Coly))

You're doing great sweetie.

[job]

Coly,

I agree w/Andrew when he says that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. We all get nervous and anxious when we are about to have contact w/the MLCers. Why? Because we don't know what they are going to say or do or possibly give us, i.e., separation/divorce papers. The problem is "fear", fear of the unknown and not knowing what the future holds for us and them.

Breathe! You are mastering the NC fairly well. Now, you need to master the no expectations and learning to accept him for who he is right here, right now. The man you knew has been replaced w/his mirror image. Will he be totally different from the man you loved and married? Time will tell.

You will need to decide what is better for you, i.e., a little contact or possibly little or none. You are the only one that can decide whether it's worth is to get spun up before his visits or not. I know what you are going thru because I went thru it too. I finally decided for my own sanity to go NC and not deal w/him face to face because of what I would go thru.

Coly, I want you to know that you are doing great and you will get thru this. Be patient w/yourself and recognize that your feelings and emotions are getting spun up just thinking about him coming over...why are you allowing his visits to do this to you? What are you afraid of? Can you identify why you get spun up? Are you afraid that you will say or do something that will help him decide to stay away?

[Coly23]

Job, AP - thank you for your posts.

AP- great to hear from you and thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I don't feel like I am doing very well at the moment but it's comforting to know that these feelings I am having are normal! How are you anyway AP?

Job - I think the spinning is made up of two cups of sadness, one cup of fear and a whole bucket full of resentment! I have thought of pulling the plug on his visits again. I did this last year and then went dark for seven weeks. Then I started meeting him for coffee, had the big blow out with him after prom dress shopping and told him he does nothing for me and D and that's when he asked if we would like to start up the family time again which went from one to two days a week. I feel if I pull it again I will just seem inconsistent and flaky especially as I asked if we could work towards reconciliation. It will jut look like I am throwing my toys out of the pram because he isn't doing what I want him to. It's the whole control thing and it is a 180 for me to stop demanding action from him.

You are right though, I do need to just accept where he is at the moment and it hasn't been that long since we started it up again. I have seen some improvements in our relationship already so I do need to replace that bucket full of resentment with a bucket full of patience! Thanks so much Job, you really make me think!

Journaling - so H came over for dinner yesterday. He seemed very relaxed at first getting things ready for us to eat. But I did notice he was spending a lot of time in the hallway and I think he was looking at MY post! Job said that MLCers are nosey! He seemed a bit on edge and became very quiet as the evening wore on. Myself and D were having a laugh about some stuff on her iPad so we took no notice of his sullen mood! Anyway, he is coming over again on Friday so let's see how he is then....