There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hey Don, my only thought is that it isn't always possible to get exactly what you want when you want it. Just because everything isn't going the way you want doesn't mean you are doing something horribly wrong. Sometimes it's just the way it is. I understand you feel it is a pattern and you're the common thread, but it might be that's it's just darn difficult to get something going these days. Yeah, you notice those that form a new relationship quickly, but that's maybe because you're looking for it, and you don't see all those in the same spot you are.
Bottom line, you seem like a cool guy so keep enjoying yourself and take er easy.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You already know how conservative I am.. my opinion is that there is too many options at once. If those ladies feel like an option, they will treat you as an option.. a relationship is time spent together, devotion, understanding and compromise. invest in one and only one. you will get to see the whole person. the good and the bad. if you admire the good and can live with the bad, you got a winner..
there is always BETTER in everything.. There is also worst. eventually, enough is good. Enough is appreciating what you have.
please, do not be too hard on me. I know some of you will send me 2x4s..
You seem to immediately lay claim to any woman who responds to you -- and then are overly disappointed when these newbie "relationships" fizzle quickly. You seem genuinely shocked and puzzled as to why.
First, I'd suggest you stop trying to date any women you meet at out of town, random events. There is NO potential in asking out these women...so don't bother.
Get involved in something - anything •where you live• and let these relationships develop naturally over time.
You seem to take any friendliness as interest -- and quickly ask the women out -- sometimes they say yes -- and sometimes they don't even open that door -- and try to politely turn you down, by using tried and true excuses.
You seem to want a relationship SO much that you're reading way too much into these encounters.
They're at best mild flirtations -- and the majority of these women don't want them to go any further ... but you pursue them hard -- so some do accept a 1st date -- but rarely does that lead to a second date.
You need to put yourself into situations where you will meet and get to know women over time, in a natural way. Volunteer somewhere or join a gym, hiking club, book club, cooking classes etc. ANY activity that is ongoing that would afford you the chance to just relax -- and let things happen naturally without you pushing so hard.
It would appear that your anxiousness to date somebody screams needy -- and is turning these women off.
When men behave anxiously like you do -- instantly asking them out -- and pursuing them hard for more dates -- it scares people off. It's too much too soon.
It's as with many things in life -- you need to stop having any expectations -- and just live your life. The universe can and will bring someone into your life -- when you're ready.
At this point, you come across as someone who is pursuing too hard -- too quickly. And I'd bet when you do get a date -- you're talking too much about other things you'd enjoy doing with them in the future -- mentioning other places you'd enjoy taking them too, on future dates etc. This scares people a lot!
Most women like to get to know someone for awhile before they date them. When a man they just meet -- instantly asks them out -- they know it's only based on physicality and not for any deeper reason.
You sound like someone who has been successful in life -- and who is used to getting what he wants by working hard. But in dating -- you can't just order up interest and force someone into wanting to be in a relationship with you -- just b/c you think you're doing all the "right" things.
You give yourself away so easily to anyone who shows you any friendliness ...play harder to get!
I agree with Summer too. I had been thinking along these lines, but just hadn't gotten around to posting.
The other thing I would point out is the 'stinkin' thinkin'' - ie: my friend became single and now he has a GF in just two years and here I am 10 years later still trying...
It's not helpful to compare in that way. Who knows how any of us will fare in future R's - when we may meet someone - how successful that might be and so on?
I think allowing time for friendships to form etc. Is a really good way to go. For me, going out with a guy I don't know really doesn't appeal at all and I'm sure many women would feel the same. Plus, give yourself time to get to know them a little before going in with the flirtation and asking for a date..it's a more respectful way I think.
JMHO of course - and hope this is helpful :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post. Summer, it looks like you've not posted here to anyone in a long time so I am flattered you took the time to try to help me.
It's been a rough weekend - I've not had such a down, depressing weekend in a long time. I do not want to go back to that dark place of years ago it feels like I may be slipping back there. I really hope not.
There are some valid points in the thoughts posted. Of course it's also hard to get an accurate picture just from a few posts i make. Clearly my life contributes to my situation and always has. It's just worse now as I'm involved in less than I used to be. It's easy to say not to try anything with women out of town or random events but like it or not, that is much of my life and I can't/don't want to change it. I've been self employed all my life and band gigs are part of that plus something I really enjoy. That means out of town trips and lots of random events. However, I clearly need to broaden that, so pint taken.
As for coming off too interested or needy, I don't think that's the case. Also, other than the woman from two weeks ago, which exactly was me thinking she was interested and asking her out prematurely as I didn't think I'd see her again for a long time - most don't go like that. It was only one example. In fact, since I'm not all that interested in the lady from last weekend who left and went home, I decided to just come out and ask why she left last week. Her answer? "You didn't seem at all interested." That's what she thought - or at least told me. So that's the exact opposite of trying too hard or scaring her away. It actually confirmed my thoughts in that I don't appear approachable or interested many times. Now there certainly may be times I do try too hard - not saying that may never be the case, I just think that what I'm saying here is being miscronstrude or assumed that's what I'm doing in person. I'm sure I see more spdesperate in these comments with all of you. But like DBing, I say it to you in an effort to not say it in person.
It is very accurate that I've been successful in most other ares of my life so am frustrated when this area doesn't work out. For about five years after D I could have cared less if I dated anyone or not. Then I started to think it was time and figured it would all return. Well, it has not! Then I see seemingly everyone else having success and I feel like a failure. I've seen even more recently - perhaps because I'm sensitive to it and looking.
One of the very first women I dated was nearly five years ago. We are still FB friends so what do I see but her having a 50th birthday party for what must have been the guy she dated right after me. (I don't follow that closely and she doesn't list much about her romantic interests) She writes how she almost gave up on him early on but glad she didn't. Five years! Then the gal who ghosted me this summer - yep once again just admited she has a new BF - first in many years. I thought she was not ready to date - wrong, just not ready to date me.
I'm frustrated, very frustrated. It's affecting my disposition now as well. I was a total crab ass last night. Everywhere I look was Valentines Day and love. Bah humbug!
I also don't understand why these women persue me then go away. Not all but many or at least some. Again, in years past I'd say it's the, and many tines it would be. But after all this time... I was just living my life and not trying much if at all, so friends say I need to try harder, put myself out there, try OLD, etc. so I did. Now I'm told, don't try so hard, just live your life. Well is that not where I was? So if I try that again will I get. "You can't expect someone to just appear, you have to put yourself out there." It seems like an endless circle. If I don't try I do t get anything, if I do try I still don't get anything.
And getting to know them and let it develop over time... How does that not end in a friend zone - which has happened many times as well. From 15-25 I struggled, was usually friend zoned. I also later realized I was being pursued but others and did not know it. From 25-35 I dated all the time, had some great R and felt as accomplished in my romantic life as I did in all other aspects. From about 35-45 I was with ex W (using round numbers here) then until,48 or 49 I didn't care. Since then I feel back at the 15-25 stage again. That's how I feel - like I'm just destined to be alone. And I still love being alone but not all the time. I feel like I'm wasting years of my life. It's not that I don't do things and live - I just would enjoy them so much more with someone else. I really am that person who has a great life that could be made even better with a partner. I'm panning a vacation in April. I'd live to be planning this with someone else rather than going by myself.
I first have to prevent from going deeper into this rut. This may be a challenging week. I so want my old life back as the title says, this used to be way easier and a lot more fun! Thanks for reading and trying to help.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Dating isn't easy nor is it an easy option for many. For me I am simply not ready, maybe I never will be ready.
It's a risk, life is a risk, your precious heart needs protecting.
And it's ok. Truly it is.
Absolutely fine.
Clearly you have identified you are sending mixed messages to the ladies you want to date. Lack of congruence in your attitude and behaviour. Something is telling you that you aren't ready and you are self sabotaging.
I think so.
It's frustrating you and bah humbug! And that's ok too.
You are unsure as if there is a fix. There may not be a fix, it may just need to slowly resolve. Relax there is a reason and you will learn it as it unfolds.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You've adamantly written that you like your life as it is -- that band gigs are something you really enjoy -- which entails out of town, random events, that are an important part of your life -- and that you "can't/don't want to change" that.
Your life is thus, not conducive to meeting and then getting to know a woman in a natural, slower-paced way -- and you've stated that you're happy with this lifestyle and unwilling to change it -- which is absolutely fine and your prerogative.
Life is all about choices and consequences. And your lifestyle choices seem to have led to making it virtually impossible, to establish a real relationship with a woman.
My larger point was b/c of your lifestyle -- that you take any friendliness as an indication of interest -- and often make the leap to thinking a relationship has begun...when it hasn't.
You seem the type of guy, who meets a woman in a long line at motor vehicle or the grocery store -- and engages in friendly chit chat while waiting to check out -- and you think her friendliness indicates she's interested in you. And b/c of that -- you would then probably offer to help her to her car and load the groceries -- and get her number or go instantly into asking for a date.
For most people the friendly encounter is just that -- a brief conversation with a nice, friendly complete stranger. End of story. It happens every day to people.
You seem to take ANY encounter -- if the woman is friendly -- as her showing interest in you.
Only you can decide •what• must change IF you truly want a different result -- b/c clearly what you've been doing is not giving you the result you want.
