We've been together 4 years and have two children each.
Our happiness, company, enjoyment, kids, humour and interest as are all great. Sex is, has always been, amazing for both of us and we have lots of it.
I (F 39) committed financial infidelity in April last year against my partner (m, 36) I took Out a loan and a credit card and spent it all on rubbish mostly. I paid for him to attend a foreign sporting event (flights hotel etc) which was the biggest purchase. Thank fully I have a some money due to me that will pay most if not all of the loan/ credit off.
My partner found out about the loan and got excessively drunk for 3 Months until. he could no longer stand it and rented a house. He was planning on staying here til after xmas for the kids but was struggling syakngvhe had no feelings left for em etc then went on another 2 day drink bender just before xmas so I kicked him out. He was in total shock at my move as I always compromise in disagreements etc but I drew my line in the sand and he crossed it. We met to talk and I even told him I was going to go see a f**k buddy so that I could never get back with him as sexual infidelity would cross the line for us most definitely. Since then he has totally changed and tried being as close to me as possible. He's no longer not feeling empty towards me, he's jealous of attention I 'might' get off other men,he's texts me daily, makes excuses to come round and was basically here for over two weeks with only 2 nights at his new house. (Rental) he was making moves to build our relationship. He found out about the credit card This week and obviously is devastated. He's told me that we're definitely done now and so I packed up his kids stuff to take to his new house (I was holding off doingtbhat as I didn't want to do it) and he's got worse again- like needing em, making sure we have loads of great sex, cuddling me, promising to phone and making plans to do stuff together- cinema, trip to the seaside etcsleeovers here with his kids etc. He told me he loves me and not just during sex etc - he's kissed me on the head in his loving way too a lot. We love each other and if I could wave a magic wand and get rid of what I've done to hurt him and us I would. He is so hurt and I've apologised and will keep apologising. I've follwo d advice form on here. And I've set up a bank account to pay off the debts until my money comes to clear it that I've given him control of. I've let him have a key back for this house and he's given me money to 'save' for him in this house - which is a test I think? I don't know how to proceed. We want each other and have to build trust with him before he decides its too much trouble to work at?? I don't think this is lost yet but I'm not sure?
I still don't know why I took the liana nd credit card out. I wasn't leaving him or being horrible. I was depressed after leaving a job I lived and getting a job I hated. But everything was really good otherwise.
Any advice is appreciated. I have summarised a LONG story so please let me clear up anything hats not clear.
Hello, I wasn't 100% sure which section to post in and apologies for the random grammar and autocorrect misspellings! I was a bit tearful while typing it out.
Neither of us are alcoholics although he did use booze and boys nights out as an escape for a few months.
- I guess my post was a bit long winded and unorganised- sorry everyone.
Yes he feels he has to leave due to my idiotic financial infidelity. Not that he wants to, that he should... partly because he's feeling stupid for not spotting it..partly because he told his family about the Loan (not the credit card- he says he can't and won't tell people about the that because he'll just look idiotic having contact with me)
On an aside- he says he can't stand people (his family and s few work colleagues probably) bad mouthing me because he doesn't like people saying bad stuff about me.
I've offered control of a secondary bank account so he can control the loan re-payments. I did it to build trust and for transparency.
Him finding out about the credit card has only happened this week so it's still very raw but instead of going further away from me like he did before I kicked him out - he's clung closer to me despite saying we should split up now. He said the day after finding out about the credit card that he wouldn't let himself fall in love with me again. He was close to me, talking quietly and nearly crying. Not angry. I said- I think we're both still in love with each other, it's just now we have to build barriers from each other.
He's finally been very open about certain feelings. For example, we were sitting next to each other on the sofa last night and our toes HAVE to touch on the footstool. We have always been a touchy (holding hands, resting body parts on each other) type of couple though. So he says - why can do I want to touch you, why does it feel right, why do I not hate you, why do I feel so connected to you? This is in complete contrast to before xmas before I kicked him out because he said he felt empty back then and I was trying to convince him that there must be a spark left inside him for me. But it wasn't until I acted differently (kicked him out) that he seemed to wake up to me. And yes, some people might think it's all about getting a bit of sex, but he's not like that at all, he has to be in love to have sex.
Ive checked that he wasn't like this with his ex wife- you know wanting to go for drinks out, meals out, sex, trips away etc... and he wasn't - he said he had no desire to spend anymore time with her. Not like me.
I'm scared he's clinging to me because he can't say goodbye (true) but most scared that I'll be totally in love with him and he'll find happiness in his new home away from me. I suppose I'll never know unless I let him. Any attempt I make to push him away - like when he's talking about his hurt he feels- I've said right well then you need to be away from me, let me help you with that, I'll keep away from you. - he backtracks and doesn't want to parted from me.
I suppose the coming days/ weeks will show more about his intentions. If he behaves like he did over xmas period- wanting to be with me as much as possible then I think I'll know he's trying to be together. If he manages his days and only sees me when my ex husband has my children (basically when there's an empty house) I'll feel used and have to end it. If he doesn't try to be here like over the xmas period (everyday) and comes both when my children are here and not then I think we'll be on dodgy ground and drift apart. I hate playing games. But I'm going to have to to ensure he keeps his interest aren't I? ... I've been going out on far more girls nights out than before and he always wants to taxi me home to make sure I get home 'safely' One night out I refused a taxi from him and he just turned up at my house and walked in! He was mega jealous thinking someone was here with me. (Not) he apologised later. I've joined my old gym and even that makes him jealous. He's never been a jealous man really. Or if he has he's kept it well hidden. I reply to his texts, rarely initiate them and don't leave my texts open for him to reply easily (eg by asking a question) so if he replies it's because he wants to. He pulled me up in this last night- saying my texts aren't like before - he actually said I don't make it easy for him to reply to me- and yet he still finds a way...??!!! Weds night he had his children and was on call with work. He rearranged his work so that he wasn't on call and his mum had his kids then within half hour of sorting that and him getting back to his house he'd text me asking if I feeling ok. And then asking to come round. I initially said I'd be ok but then said if he wanted to come round and thought he could chill out and relax he was welcome. And he instantly replied with 'on his way'...
Last night he said he loved me - this morning he said and showed he loved me- and I still can't ask him what his intentions are can I? I have to leave him to make his mind up don't I? He only has 4 months left on his tenancy and in 2 months he will have to decide whether to renew the lease for another six months or not. So I don't know if it's unrealistic but I hope to know more in two months as to whether we have a future or not. I can't let this drag on forever. Sorry for the length of this and I have more to tell too ...
Me (40) partner (male 37) Both divorced previously Together 4 years Bomb from him- Nov Kicked him out- mid Dec Confusion ever since
I think I am going to move your thread to newcomers and once it is there I will post my normal welcome post, be sure to read the pursuit and distance thread.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
While he's interested in spending time with me I shouldn't go dark should I? Weve tried spending time apart but we always want to see each other. And not just for sex. Since he's been kicked out he's only slept in his new house 4 nights (including tonight) and that's over 3 weeks. Only one night of those was actually his choice not forced on him through having his kids if you get me.
Me (40) partner (male 37) Both divorced previously Together 4 years Bomb from him- Nov Kicked him out- mid Dec Confusion ever since
He's only been gone a couple of hours and been busy (Called into work/ went shopping) but he text to see how I was (despite him feeling and being the inhjured party) then he sent me a photo of something in the shop (related to a joke we'd had) and ended the message with a kiss He's avoided kisses on the ends of texts- seems petty but he has - my ex husbands accidently put a kiss on the end of a text to me yesterday which me and current partner giggled about - and that when he brought up the 'you put a kiss on the end of a text to me- was that an accident?' It was not so I said so Then today I get one
Me (40) partner (male 37) Both divorced previously Together 4 years Bomb from him- Nov Kicked him out- mid Dec Confusion ever since
I'm glad Cadet moved your thread to Newcomers. More people will see it and be able to offer support.
Is the loan/credit card the only thing he is upset about? Which lead to the drinking and ultimately you asking him to leave? Is that it in a nutshell? What other things have caused trouble in your relationship?
It sounds like you really got his attention by asking him to leave. He seems receptive to piecing things back together, but how?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I've read a fair few posts and I'm struggling with how to balance different techniques specifically to my relationship.
At the moment- He's pursuing me (despite being hurt and choosing to keep his rental house ticking over)) and I've distanced myself a bit. I don't text him (only reply) I don't invite him over, I bought underwear and bedding etc (intrigues him) and signed back up at the gym. Etc Except when he's pursued me and is spending time with me- i stop distancing myself as much - I cook us a meal we sit on same sofa and we have sex, not in that order- and the sex is outstanding, I don't always 'give in' to sex easily either. I know he's trying to keep me sexually satisfied because he doesnt want me looking else where (I never would I only mentioned using a f@@k buddy to show him I could switch off from him) but that one thought has driven him wild with jealousy.
I want to ask him to if he can forgive me if he's telling me he feels all these things towards me- but I can't can I? If he has a bad day tomorrow he'll think everytime he kisses me I'll think we're back together so it'll push him further away won't it??
I still need to play it really cool don't I
Keep up the distance (but is it ok to stop caring a bit distant to reward his pursuit of me?)
Me (40) partner (male 37) Both divorced previously Together 4 years Bomb from him- Nov Kicked him out- mid Dec Confusion ever since
It is only the loan/ credit card that's causing this- he was so upset about the loan that he HAD to leave - he was empty and couldn't see a future- he prepared a house to rent and we decided to end it after xmas for the kids sake- he couldn't cope and after staying out for two days on two different xmas work parties without prior agreement- I'd had enough and kicked him out (pile of clothes in car and changed locks) he was incredibly shocked. I'm a sorter outer I like to sort problems but not that time. It was totally against my character kuvkingbhim out instead of fighting for him. That was the Friday on the Saturday he came to talk to me between 8 and 9 pm to discuss how to separate and he basically pursued me ever since. Then tues he found out about the credit card (stupidly I thought I could keep it hidden and sort it) and said he SHOULD definitely leave me now but has spent two days saying how In love he is with me and how he wants to be near me touching me talking having fun. Just stroking my arm or staring at my face. (Date like times)
So otherwise we are really good- we've had ups and downs because we're both divorcees from emotionally absuive exes- but we've got through it.
In the past if I've had a problem I've written it down to stop an argument. He doesn't like the letters but it calms us and now he says he's going to write me one. This seems positive. He says it's not all negative crap as well.
Me (40) partner (male 37) Both divorced previously Together 4 years Bomb from him- Nov Kicked him out- mid Dec Confusion ever since
