We still sleep in the the same bed and have marital relations.
Wait, what? This needs to stop (sorry) as its giving her the cake, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
W owns her own business and OM yes, works for her.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Yes, your math is correct. He is young enough to be our son, a few years older than our oldest child. After the BD, she asked me if I thought he felt the same way and I said what you said (friend/authority figure).
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I asked my coach that last week too and she thought sex was still helping at this stage. I'm confused on what is best at this stage. I'm confused about what stage I am in. I'm confused about what MLC / WW or EA strategies to employ which is why I am here and in coaching. Further, I need to be present for my five children, all of us under the same roof.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I asked my coach that last week too and she thought sex was still helping at this stage. I'm confused on what is best at this stage. I'm confused about what stage I am in. I'm confused about what MLC / WW or EA strategies to employ which is why I am here and in coaching. Further, I need to be present for my five children, all of us under the same roof.
That's where I tend to disagree with the advice. If the sex were helping, then why hasn't it? There has been a lot said in different threads about being a backup. Think back to before things were mentioned and the BD. Did you two have sex then? What I'm saying is that if she was formulating all that stuff and still having sex, then it's nothing more than an act from her. To what ends, only she knows...but I'd be willing to be that "plan b" has something to do with it.
You have the right frame of mind in being there for your children. Its hard enough as it is, and even worse when you are being sexed and believing that its helping when, in fact, it isn't.
Stay strong, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
My coach has been trying to apply the principles to my situation. I specific, I am trying to do a 180 in my relationship where the key issue is detachment. Thus, more detachment isn't going to help. Key changes:
1. I didn't listen...now I am listening intently 2. I spent more time with the kids than her...now I spend more time with her 3. I didn't help W with her business enough...now I am very involved 4. I didn't initiate sex well...now I am letting her initiate 5. I was the strong and stable one...now I am sharing my own questions and uncertainties
She has responded positively to all of these changes, but may be too little, too late.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
She has responded positively to all of these changes, but may be too little, too late.
Positive response is always good, its just to what degree. You are correct, it may or may not be too late. But the real reason for doing those things isn't for her, its for you. You never know what the future will bring, but you need to make it the best for you and the kids.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I try to show respect for the advice from MWD's coaches, and sometimes the newcomer will tell the coach more than he tells the board. MWD does not separate the wayward wife and the walkaway wife into two categories. I believe the WW has a mindset that is based on years of resentment and disrespect for her H, and she finally reaches a point of rebellion (on some level). IMHO, the H who has a wayward wife usually has to apply a tougher love approach, b/c of her contempt and disrespect. If she has no respect for him as her H, then he is not going to win her loving feelings.
As for a candidate for MLC, I don't know. Can you tell us more about her growing up years? Has she suffered any type of tragedy recently? Has she ever told you about a specific incident that happened, that was never dealt with properly or she could not accept, etc.?
Have either of you had a previous experience of inappropriate contact with another person?
How old was she when she started having the children? What are their ages now?
Quote:
Does it matter that this is a one sided EA right now?
Let me turn this question around and ask you. Does it matter to you that your W is in love with a married man who is 20 yrs younger, and it's a one-sided affair? Of course it matters to you, and to be fair, I think you were indirectly asking if the DBing approach matters. I mostly stick to the threads that have wayward wives, b/c that is what I have studied the most....and personally experienced. I think it takes a tough love approach from the H. I cannot recall successful endings where the WW had a soft H who took abuse from her.
That's as honest as I can be, without arguing with the coach's advice. As long as a wayward benefits from her bad behavior, she will continue with the bad behavior. If she is currently getting everything from the MR that she had before the EA, why would she quit her A? I don't mean you should punish her. You would need to stand up for yourself and stop allowing her to mistreat you. You would need to learn how to stop the disrespectful behavior under your roof. You would need to enforce boundaries, etc. If you will read the links Cadet provided, you will see some of these issues and what can be done.
The mindset of a WW is not pretty. If you continue to allow her to run over you, while you still sleep with her and basically cater to her.....there will be no real change in her heart, b/c she won't respect a man who takes cr@p from her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks. Yes, I want to do these things for me. I want to be a better listener, less selfish and more attentive to the needs of those around me, and a better lover.
We have a weekly date night which we have kept up even after BD. Last week, I stuck to the rules of not talking about R, M, D or OM. She told me afterwards that she very much enjoyed our time together and we have to stay connected after D. She said it is important for both of us and our children.
What do you think of that?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
She told me afterwards that she very much enjoyed our time together and we have to stay connected after D. She said it is important for both of us and our children.
What do you think of that?
Honestly? Sounds just like something mine said. And at the time she said it, she was done and had more than moved on.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
