Court date set, still holding on (csabo part 2)

[j20a00g]

You said "I got him to say..."

Your focus is to be on you. Not getting him to say or do anything.

As far as the snooping. It will drive you crazy! I know not feels good for 3 seconds but, it will literally drive you insane. You see that he had a bad date and wanted it to be bad. Then he says he misses you..... you get excited....then he takes it back... you get let down.

You really have to work on detaching if you want a shot. I still think the d&d thing is gong to be an issue. Many on here talk about even if you have kids you should detach and literally only discuss kids. You are still hanging out with him! How have you helped him to feel what life would be like without you? What have you been doing to detach?

Your clock is ticking on the date. I advise looking to the last resort technique immediately.

[csabo]

I read and have been attempting to do the last resort technique for 2, 2.5 months. I will reread it and try harder.

Should I move out of the house/have him move out? I had been discussing that possibility on here a while ago and got resounding "no!"s.

It's hard not to occasionally be hanging out with him when we live together. I mean, we have opposite schedules so hardly see each other as it is but it happens. Plus, if I moved away I'd have an excuse to quit d&d other than "it's uncomfortable being around him".

[csabo]

The last time we talked about it (he brought it up, not me) he said he missed me but that I'm unhealthy for him because he resents me for being "useless" (I have depression and for a while it was really bad and I really didn't do anything but lay in bed all day. That's where the no working, no cooking no cleaning thing that he complained about came from.) and that he doesn't see himself falling back in love with me ever.

But he had still occasionally been showing me affection and caring so I'm not sure I entirely believe that the love is gone, it's just covered by resentment. But he doesn't want to put in the effort to forgive me and grow affection again.

He sees himself as a failure due to a number of different things and since I was there while he was a failure it must be my fault somehow, and he knows that's not fair but that's how he feels. He resents me for his past failures and now that he's getting his life together he doesn't want me to be part of his success.

He told me I've been "kicking ass" and doing really well these past few months, but he resents me for that because I should have done it sooner.

What he fails to see is that I started doing better around the end of May, he just didn't see it full-blown until after he said divorce. I was gone for 2 weeks in the middle of June, so he really only had 2 weeks of me doing better before he said he was done.

It feels very hopeless to me. But then again, I felt very hopeless before the night he got drunk and said he missed me. So I have no idea how he's feeling based on what he says/how he acts.

[doodler]

He told me I've been "kicking ass" and doing really well these past few months, but he resents me for that because I should have done it sooner.

csabo,

That's WS BS. They always twist everything around, good or bad, so that you're always on the defensive. Remember, don't believe anything they say.

[j20a00g]

He's the one that wants it so he should be the one to move out. Inclusive of the MBR.

If he's going to stay then you need to ensure that he's a roommate. Carried his weight. You carry yours. No favors. No hanging out.

It's important he realizes what life would be like without you.

[csabo]

Dr. Strange opens tonight. H and I had been planning on seeing it for months. I think I'm going to go see it without him, he doesn't get off work until 11.

Part of me still wants to go with him and make a sort of "date" out of it, have fun with him and all, especially after he had a disappointing date with someone else on Monday.

But I think what I need to do is see it without him and not even talk to him about it.

[j20a00g]

Dr. Strange opens tonight. H and I had been planning on seeing it for months. I think I'm going to go see it without him, he doesn't get off work until 11.

Part of me still wants to go with him and make a sort of "date" out of it, have fun with him and all, especially after he had a disappointing date with someone else on Monday.

But I think what I need to do is see it without him and not even talk to him about it.

Did you really just suggest comforting and doing something nice to him for having a bad date while looking for your replacement?

[csabo]

Well, if you read the whole post, no not really. I don't want to go on a date with him because I want to comfort him for having a bad date, I just was remarking it might be a more pronounced good date with me because of the bad date. The reason I want to go out with him is because he's my husband and I love him. Sorry, it's not a magic button I can just turn off. If I could, I probably wouldn't be on this forum wanting to save my marriage. And I only said part of me wants to go with him.

What I actually suggested I actually do is see it without him and not even talk to him about it. I actually said that twice.

I appreciate what you're trying to say, but honestly I felt a bit... demonized for having conflicting thoughts and feelings about someone who 5 months ago was the love of my life and 4 months ago betrayed that love and trust. It's rough. It's a rollercoaster.

[j20a00g]

Well, if you read the whole post, no not really. I don't want to go on a date with him because I want to comfort him for having a bad date, I just was remarking it might be a more pronounced good date with me because of the bad date. The reason I want to go out with him is because he's my husband and I love him. Sorry, it's not a magic button I can just turn off. If I could, I probably wouldn't be on this forum wanting to save my marriage. And I only said part of me wants to go with him.

What I actually suggested I actually do is see it without him and not even talk to him about it. I actually said that twice.

I appreciate what you're trying to say, but honestly I felt a bit... demonized for having conflicting thoughts and feelings about someone who 5 months ago was the love of my life and 4 months ago betrayed that love and trust. It's rough. It's a rollercoaster.

Sorry if I made you feel demonized. Not the intention. As I stated before, time is not really on your side. As many on here say, you do do what feels right/good or you can do what works. I'm not so sue you are onboard with the process and I can't encourage you enough to sit and read and implement the lat resort technique. It's imperative that you toughen up. Not a single one of us on this site aren't here because we haven't either lost or are afraid of losing "the love of our life". While your situation may be unique to you and your social circle, it's not here. We are all in a similar situation and trying to help everyone else not survive but thrive.

You may not always like the advice or the input from me or anyone else on here but, you will always get honest advice or input.

Trust the process. You really need to be 100% bought in like yesterday if you want a shot. Time to start using the head more than the heart. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

[j20a00g]

And yes. Go see it! Looks good. Though I will be seeing trolls this weekend