So I am sitting still. And this is the stuff going on over here. H has been really irritable again. Routine noises (kids' voices too loud, sound of kids playing indoor Nerf, etc.) are once again bothering him, just as they did when he was in anger/denial and when he first bombed me. He is snapping a lot, too.
He was in his room ALL weekend long. I think he was outside the room for maybe 3 hours total. For two of those he was in the living room and for the remaining 1 he actually left the house. He listened to the same 5 songs over and over again. I can attest to the fact that this a viable military torture tactic that should be deployed.
As for me, I had a rough Saturday. Sitting still has raised all sorts of questions within me. For the most part h is the opposite of who he once was. On a few issues, though, things that seemed like outliers have matastisized and I cannot quiet my mind on these.
The first is his inability to handle aging/sickness/death. There were glimpses of this pre-MLC and I can't help wonder/be concerned that maybe he will never outgrow this. Up to now, I have been healthy, but obviously this can't last forever. H has had health issues and I have been tried and tested. I know I proved my loyalty. If he ever "woke up," I don't know if I will believe he has the grit it takes to be with me as I age. He stood by me in my depression but that's not the same as the body failing.
The second issue is his superficiality. There were some glimpses of this, too, and I thought it was immaturity. But it has exploded in MLC.
The third issue is he always sort of had a thing for conspiracy theories and the like. I think this has presented as full on paranoia in MLC. What cracks me up, is he has dropped those paranoias that are inconvenient. For example, he hates cooking. And though he accused me of trying to poison him, he now eats all my food because I know he cannot stand preparing his own food. In fact he now even suddenly "appears" when delicious weekend breakfasts are ready.
There's a whole bunch of stuff that is the polar opposite of who he was. But, these three issues made cameo appearances pre-MLC and have now ballooned.
Maybe these were attributes he always had and he buried them, especially those first two. I am worried what if these are the "true him?" Then I worked myself into this complete frenzy. Here's the loop I was on: if this is the true him and he never files for divorce, then what? I am Catholic and I don't think any of this is grounds for me to file divorce. Then I pictured myself stuck forever in this three legged race with a madman.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Well, you can always petition for a an annulment on the grounds of "emotional and mental impairment on his part" because his crisis has broken down the marriage...but that's down the road...and I honestly don't think you are going to have to worry about that because your h really hasn't been in the eye of the storm all that long. Replay takes a long time to work thru and it appears that he's revisiting some areas of his life that he may have visited previously. If the lessons aren't learned the first time, they will repeat themselves until the light bulb goes off.
If it gets to be too much, then show him the door. You can only take so much of this emotional and mental crazy behavior. You have not only yourself to think about, but your two sons as well.
I do think that they have some underlying issues that were always there, but they come out in full force once the crisis occurs. Whether or not they will remain w/him if he wakes up, only time will tell.
I think you are thinking too far ahead and need to live in the moment or one day at a time. We can't predict how he's going to be if and when he wakes up.
Remember to breathe!
P.S. It's time to start a new thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
HaWho I'm sorry your H is still up to his usual crazy behaviour. My H is staying away during the week (we told the kids he is working away) and stays with us during the weekend. The change in the climate at home is unbelievable. It is calm and happy, and even though I was against it because it seemed like another step taking us closer to the end, I'm actually enjoying the peace.
You are amazing as always to put up with all the torture (the same 5 songs over and over? Really?). I'm sending you strength and hugs xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
