Well, my 17th anniversary came and went yesterday. No mention or acknowledgment whatsoever from my wife. I filled the day as best I could with GAL -- took my daughter to church (not a believer, but I was so touched that she invited me!), took both kids out to eat for lunch, worked out, went on a drive in the country and took some pictures. I feel like something inside me shifted yesterday. I don't really even want to look at her anymore. I don't think I'd reconcile with her at this point even if she wanted to -- which she doesn't. I'm sure my emotions will swing back the other way soon enough, and I'll be crying in my car again or some such, but this feeling is new. She is so emotionally stunted -- I have started really thinking I'd be happier alone for the rest of my life than I have been with her for the last several years. And that's worst case; I could possibly find someone else who's not so mean and doesn't hold me in such disdain. That would be nice.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Happy anniversary JRuss...I agree with FG...you have integrity and have worked on saving your M on your end! It totally stinks but at least you got to spend the day with your kids!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
She was nicer last night and this AM, but I'm still feeling very disconnected, like something shifted, or a light inside me I'd been tending went out, when she let the anniversary go by with no comment. It's a game she doesn't even know she's playing (distance, distance, distance, then creep back slightly when she feels me pull away), and that lack of self-awareness isn't appealing to me. I also feel like there's no plausible way I can blueprint out in my mind how we'd ever reconnect at this point. What could that possibly look like? She'd have to undergo a radical transformation, and I think her problems aren't really of the sort that are amenable to change. I don't think she's capable of a relationship that would work for a non-doormat.
I'm going to start getting smart w/r/t co-parenting and how to be the best one possible. Can anyone recommend any books (if that's allowed on the Forum)?
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I definitely was right there playing the pursuit/distance game. When I say pulling away, I guess I mean those times when I remember not to pursue. Previously, that took effort, because I wanted to pursue her and do something to close what I felt was a growing distance between us, and I eventually always fell back into that. Just recently, I'm asking myself if I really want to be with this woman which, as I mentioned, feels very different to me. I don't know that she felt anything along those lines might be going on, but she was (for her these days) nice, even affectionate last night and this AM, and we're barely removed from her purposefully ignoring our anniversary all day Sunday. Which is a game -- albeit one being played by someone who doesn't know she's playing it -- pure and simple. I am getting tired of being a party to it.
I'm sure there's some sort of Zen-type reason why I shouldn't care that I can't right now imagine how I'd ever reconcile with my W, but I don't see what that reason would be. It seems pretty important to me.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
JR -- I think only you can know when you've reached the end of your path, at least the segment that you are on, and realize you have to get on a different road. For me it was when I saw myself doing things out of desperation that I was not proud of. I used to tell my W that ... when certain bad things came to fruition after a long time ... that the dice was rolled long ago. In my case, as tragic and heart wrenching as it feels, I came to believe that the dice was rolled long ago when I decided to marry my W and have children. That is the reality. And I realized that to continue to battle and deny that reality is not mentally and emotionally healthy for myself.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
She'd have to undergo a radical transformation, and I think her problems aren't really of the sort that are amenable to change. I don't think she's capable of a relationship that would work for a non-doormat.
You may be right, however, let me share what I witnessed several years ago. There was a man who had been in a M for many years, and had about three or four grandchildren. He verbally and mentally abused his family. Eventually, the family fell apart (long story) and his W (who was definitely a doormat) finally had the courage to D him.
So.....he meets a new woman and they get M. It seems she doesn't take any of his cr@p, and has completely changed him from the man he used be! It just amazes people who knew him from the past.
I believe we teach people how to treat us. That goes double for spouses!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
JR-- one more thing. I'm not sure this is right for you, but I suggest it just so you can entertain the ideas. You have been suffering for a very long time. It has inspired you to improve yourself in many ways, but that kind of suffering can also squash your soul in ways you don't realize. In-house separation is hell. Your kids may see this in ways that you don't fully realize. What if, as your possible next path, you chart out a path to separation? This could be cold water on your W's wishy-washy, self-centered dictate that you stew in the threat of D for two years, to kind of mangle metaphors. At least in your head, what might a road to separation look like? A separation done under YOUR terms, one that minimizes hurt on your kids? Something that lets YOU move ahead without the punishing whims of your wife's self-centered indecision?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I've thought a lot about it recently, ForGump. I'd LIKE to tell her she needs to move out if this life is really oh so hard for her, and I'll stay in the house and have the kids 100% of the time. We can work something out where she can visit at set times. In truth, though, she's a very good mom, and this wouldn't be in the kids' best interests.
Where I think we'd end up, because our youngest needs to stay in this school district at least through this school year and next is some sort of short-term apartment or studio lease where I go part of the time, and she goes part of the time, with the kids always at home, just with a different solo parent per whatever schedule we agree to. It would suck in its own ways -- mainly loss of time with kids, but also because I'm just not an apartment person (light sleeper, like to escape to recharge) -- but then the status quo is pretty exhausting.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
