Sorry for the extremely long post in advance, but I appreciate anyone who has time to read this and give advice.
Myself 30M and Wife 30F have been together since we were 18; married for 3 years. About a month ago she said she has been miserable since we've been married. As soon as we got married I started a new job and we had to move away from our families, and our support systems. I got pretty consumed with work as it is a high stress job. We don't go out ever, we never have date nights, we just focus on saving as much money as we can...and we have become a great team at this. Well of course I have seen that I may not have put my marriage first so I vowed to make that happen at all costs. I have set up a counselor starting next week, and asked her to go to counseling with me. She refused and says she's not sure she wants to work on it anymore as she feels like she has tried to work on it all this time. I obviously feel heartbroken. Well, along this same timeframe I find out she has a new male friend at work that she is texting ALL DAY. This obviously doesn't seem right to me, but I just tried to keep trusting her. Well, I decided to do a little more investigating. I added the guys contact info to my phone so i could see his status in the messaging app. So every time he and her were online at the same time, I would walk near her...She would immediately switch out of the app into another app or to the home screen and make some awkward casual statement (What's the weather app you use or What was the name of that thing).
Also, she asked the guy to get the app, so I assume she is the only one he talks to on there and his profile picture is a selfie of him posing shirtless in the gym. I'm even more heartbroken now at this point. She admits to deleting messages from him. She texts him all day and a lot at night. Last night, I saw she was texting him, so I said to her "You talking to your buddy?"; to which she replied "no, talking to my sister"(she was talking to her sister as well). So she straight up lied to me, and showed no signs of remorse.
She has been so distant and secretive. Now I know a lot of people are going to say she is having sex with him, and right now I don't think that is true because she hasn't had the time. I do think that it is heading that way though. Now this brings me back to the "being miserable for 3 years thing": I decided to go find all of our cards to each other for the last 3 years worth of Anniversaries/valentines/bithdays. Every single card is riddled with positives about the relationship and how well it is going and how proud she is of us. I showed her the cards and poured my heart out to her, and it seemed that she was at least understanding. 2 weeks ago she tells me she has been thinking about getting an apartment, and that maybe some separation will help. I of course tell her that we need counseling and that separation will not help our marriage...to no avail. Now I am stuck wondering how the hell to keep moving forward, or what to do. I am just lost. I can't continue to let her walk all over me and lie and be deceptive. But I also don't want to tell her to leave because that just gives her more opportunity to pursue this other guy. She says that when/if we separate it would be a temporary/healing separation and we would still see each other often and date. I just don't know how I feel about this. Obviously the hopeful side of me says "yeh, that would show her what she is missing"; but the other side of me thinks that its just a ploy to go [censored] this other guy and get out of our marriage. Am I looking at a case of Grass is Greener Syndrome? I desperately want my wife back committed to our relationship!
I have read DR and I am not sure where to start as I don't have physical/factual proof of infidelity; only circumstantial.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/16/1609:29 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It is hard to know where to start. You don't need to keep fishing for factual evidence of infidelity. You want to focus on what you actually have control over, yourself.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Lostaf, It makes me sad to read your story, it brings me back to the beginning of my sitch, and I understand, we all understand, how your feeling right now. It is the toughest thing to deal with, but you will get through it.
she is a wayward wife, read the links cadet gave you knowing that your wife is WW, so pay particular focus to sandi2's rules on WW. Here's the thing, and it took so long for me to realize this, your WW has to go on her journey, there is nothing you can do to control her or stop her from seeing him. As of right now, your M is dead, get your head around that, focus on you and taking care of you (and children if you have). Read, and reread Sandis rules on WW. Do not have relationship talks with your wife, try and find peace within yourself, a place where you are happy on your own.
This is the hardest journey ever, but you can make it, but you have to let WW find her own way, it's the only possible way to save a M. It [censored] to say that if she's going to have a relationship or sex with him there is nothing you can do about it, but there really really isn't. 6 months in, I am finally realizing that.
Take a few days and do nothing with/about her. Spend as much time out of the house as you possibly can, give yourself time to gather yourself and read the material here. We will give you more specific information on things you can do soon, but for now do nothing.
Keep posting, give us as much info as possible, log any interactions, conversations, or thoughts here, the more info we have the better. Also, if you want to understand what your going to go through, go back and read my sitch. You can do that by clicking my name, view posts, and go to the last page.
I will follow your sitch and provide as much help as I can, I've tried all the wrong stuff (outlined in my sitch), if you'll let me, I'll help you avoid them..
I'll leave with this, I've found piece within my self, it took 6 months but it does happen.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I really appreciate the quick feedback already. I have already read all of the links that cadet posted, as I have been religiously reading these forums for a few weeks.
Currently we are in a state of wait. When she first brought up wanting to to a temporary/trial separation I fought it with everything I had and told her I think it is crazy that we haven't even tried counseling. At this point she said "ok we can try counseling first" That was last weekend. However, neither of us has made an attempt to find a counselor other than me mentioning the DB Coaches which she seemed very hesitant on. So, I have been trying to start very slowly GAL by actually starting to do things around the house (cook, clean, play with dogs, do youtube exercise videos, ect.) I even tried to go play pool one night but she guilt tripped me out of it stating "you said you wanted to spend more time together, and now you are just leaving". I was baffled by this because we don't spend anytime together anyway other than her sitting on the couch texting the OM and me sitting there reading these forums.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
lostasf, she isn't going to sign up for counseling, and if you do, it will be a complete waste of time.
right now, her goal is to distance herself from you so she can get closer to him, but not distance so far from you that she can't get you back if she decides to. Don't fight for her right now, it will NOT do any good and will take longer to work everything out.
when is the last time that you believe she was happy? was it up to a month ago?
What other issues do you have, other than maybe becoming complacent in the M? any anger issues, avoidance, etc.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Well, unfortunately Coconut after reading your story about work stress, depression, drinking, and becoming a blob...It describes my situation EXACTLY. Also, the lack of desire for intimacy. Our situations regarding all of this are so similar that they are scary. I would say the last time that I think she was happy was May/June/July, we had some great times (birthday beach trip, parents anniversary party, our anniversary, nieces birthday parties.) Honestly for May/June/July our sex life improved dramatically as well. We went from once or twice a month to twice a week minimum. Then she accepted the new position and started chatting with her new boss, and that seems to be how we ended up here with her rewriting history as being all bad. Even looking at her Facebook posts from the May/June/July time period you can see that we were having a great time. We did have another catastrophe in July where one of our dogs almost died and it cost us a lot of money, and we were both very worried but we stuck together and supported each other through it.
Echoing what Coconut says, MC will likely be a waste of time and could even be a net negative while she still has feelings for OM. She won't put the effort and work in but will also be able to say "See, we tried counseling, it didn't work, and we really do need to split".
Focus on you right now. Get out, GAL, start working up some goals for yourself and get cracking on them. This is a difficult transition (trust me -- I'm still flailing around) all left-behind spouses must make: from doormat trying to plead and beg their back into the marriage to being a spouse only a fool would leave.
Everyone here is really, really supportive. You've found a great place with a lot of resources -- use them!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
