Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife II

[Mach1]

were, are, want to be? Childhood of being shown I was no good combined with the ego of a young man who found success on his own led to me becoming an overachieving professional superstar who grabbed every mentor, teacher, coach, certification, accreditation, volunteer opportunity, networking opportunity, make more more successful moment I could find. The downside part of this was that I was impatient for success, aggressive in character, spoke out of turn, commanding as a leader, knowitall, and defended my professional success and time against against anything which I felt threatened or challenged it. Success in the professional world led to a general belief that I was correct about most things in my personal life. I would lead before I would follow and be damned if I didn't. Now the above is the first 30 years; it all did calm down at some point, but it did not go away. That's who I was. That led to drug addiction, stress, lethargy, and not liking myself very much, if at all. So while it calmed down, it came back with the birth of my son, flashback movies of childhood in my brain, fear I would become my abusers and arguably I got worse than I ever was - I was a drug addict, a poor husband, an inattentive father, and a narcissist - and a socially functional version of all that. So typical for the script: awarding winning professional, loved by all at work and play - failing at home. I could not fix anything from a position where I was broken, but it was from there I had to start.

So what does all of that ^^^ , look like moving forward ??

How do you deal with that fear ??

How do you look at that guy in the mirror. and say enough is enough ??

How will you know if he shows up again ???

[Jack_Three_Beans]

CT, just so you know Mach used to be MUCH more verbose.

ITs sort of a toss up as to which is better.

So I do have a question for you as well:

Got good plans this coming weekend?

[CT1118]

CT, just so you know Mach used to be MUCH more verbose.

ITs sort of a toss up as to which is better.

So I do have a question for you as well:

Got good plans this coming weekend?

HAHAHAHHAHA!So, all honesty, I am being crushed for time. Three minute window in schedule and decided to check on thread real quick. Work/school items, will full visit tomorrow.

I do have good plans - leave work, walk dog, seeing a concert tonight. Tomorrow, buying B-day party items for son turning 5 next week. Some studying, some skateboarding, some guitar playing. Have my boy Saturday night. Sunday, repeat studying, skateboarding, guitar playing. Till then!

[ericmsant2]

Sorry for the hijack CT…

Dayum....when I went to kindergarten, it was only half of a day...

Mach, did they have cars back then or was it still horse and carriages? LOL

CT,
Have you looked up LostforWords yet?

Weekend sounds like fun. The concert…a popular band or local one?

Enjoy your time with your son. Does he skateboard too?

[CT1118]

Eric, Haven't looked up yet. Work has been over 12 hour days followed by study. Up late now from the gig and some after food, but still will wake up at 8/ Just checked in to see about a few people. I've many questions to catch up on.

I would say the band is neither - an obscure band from new england that I have loved for the past 27 years. They can fill a large club to a small club in the shallow to deep south, and an amphitheater in NYC or Boston. Seen them in all situations. Love them. Tonight was a present.
I am working on skating with my son. He is not horrible on his bike, but the board freaks him out. Its ok, I am far from tricks or anything, I just find peace in listening to music and getting some effort out while moving down streets. Every now and then I eat st pretty hard and it reminds me that it feels good to be 41 and get a skinned knee doing something fun - "he's all boy" as my son's doctor says. Son will truck on beside me on that bike though.

[CT1118]

Mach1 - was not finished with these, so will answer some more before addressing your follow up on the first few.

How did control issues affect your marriage ?

Better yet, how do you see control issues playing into your life??

How has control, defined WHO you are ?

Affected M? - I certainly tried to control the money, which I saw as a defense for the family. Her money skills are abhorrent and she spent w/out regard for actual existing money. I really wanted her to help me balance the money, but she never wanted to - would just scream about how much she earned and what she deserved (not always, not in the past, but when things went due south about 6 months before S). I never tried a different approach, in reflection, I could have tried different communication approaches. I grew up financially humbled and was downright poor and living in ghettos for a large chunk of my 20's - I was hypersensitive to never going back. Irony, became middle class house poor in the wealthy suburbs. In addition, grad school - which I think I most likely covered the ego over that in my initial replies. I turned her off in the name of my goal(s). She said I didn't listen - she was right. Sh said I tried to fix everything - she was right, when I did listen I heard problem and tried to fix them as quick as possible so the world could get back to quiet.

Into life? if the above is not enough, control played into life in the worst possible way when we bought a huge house in the suburbs. I hate suburbs - was raised in the suburban landscape of parental abandonment. But its what you do right - American Dream. Her and I were selling our home in the city and wanted a large condo or apartment on the coast. Real Estate agent convinced us not to rent, even though we both wanted rent. Best investment, long term security -all that. Her and I are still embarrassed we got talked into it. We bought some plastic castle we did not want. Her pick was my no 2, My pick was her no 2. Guess which one we bought? Dumb, not like it would have made a difference though - entire concept was something neither wanted.

Defined who I am? Feel like I covered it in first round, if not, let me know otherwise.

And let me start this for you.....

From what you have said, I feel as though the whole marriage was about control.

I think that the act of marriage itself, was the control to stop the see-saw affect that the previous on again/off again had been the entire time that you have known each other.

Basically....

If we are married, then the bleeding (on/off) will stop...

Close ???

Maybe a component, don't think so and not on my end, not on hers to my knowledge. I don't recall either of us feeling that we should marry to never be apart again, but read my answer.

I truly did not want to marry her when we did, but at a later time. I was quite happy just being in love with her as two people. I did not feel either of us had enough time back with one another and enjoying one another. She wanted a child and maybe more - I certainly wanted one, perhaps more. She believed we should be married to have kids, I agreed somewhat, but thought all of of it could have sat a couple more years. I was not even sure M was for me anymore back then. At some point, I came to believe that if any couple could make M work it was us. So, not that I was all against it, but once I believed it I was excited. So, I don't regret the M, I would rather not loose the M, but if there was a control victory there I do believe it was her opinion over mine. She has apologized profusely for this when we first S'ed. Told me as she was walking out that if we had not M'ed way may still be together. I remained unconvinced that it mattered given that we did M and here we are. I have not heard anything about it since Feb '16. If anything now, she has referred to me as her H a number of times in dealing with school administrators, which surprises me, but I do not comment or think anything about it other than to note that it was an occurrence of something she said.

Look up a poster....LostforWords

Read him...

Then tell me what you think...

???

Will not forget. Please bare with me on time - I have a whole lot of moving parts right now - any life with two graduate studies course injected into it becomes congested. At least my attitude is better this go round. Less stressed and less pressure on myself/from myself to be the best.

My point, however round the mulberry bush that we go, is that interpretation relies on the reader due to the script being set in stone. Interpretation will ebb and flow, much like life, throughout any perusal of information that we may take.

Example...

The 5LL book. I ALWAYS recommend reading it twice. Usually when a person first gets here, and then again after a few months. The first read tends to be more of a " how I F'ed this up" manual, while the second read is way more insightful into the personal side....how you give, receive, etc...

Same book, two views...
Interpretation is also left to the reader, in order to formulate opinions, and stimulate the imaginary into reality. Not only could I, but I should be able to read the same things as you, yet we reach different arenas.

OK, I just realized where we are differing here, at least to me and hopefully this will help for you too. So, yes, In what you said in the excerpt about I agree in full. Where I think the difference of opinion for me comes in: So to me we are in a version of a chat room. I do not view active exchanges as reading per se. I view this as a conversation with the difference being that we are not "in person" so in the context of this room, while an effort is (maybe, certainly for me) made to ensure that language is chosen as best as it can be, it is still an active conversation. Thereby, things maybe written similarly to spoken words - we can blurt, think we explained it, think we missed it, i.e. it may be careful, but not as careful as an author would be with a text. Here, just like in conversation, we have the ability to say "what did you mean by that", for clarity, and thus for clarity the opportunity to explain - because this place is a conversation minus the body language to help us. Now, if I (or anyone) look back upon threads from 7/8/9 years ago, that may seem like reading as the opportunity to seek clarity from the writer may have been lost while the opportunity to seek clarification from other interpreters remains. Yes/no...?

Another reason I asked about opinions being receptive to you....

In life, yes, you are a leader, a student, a Father...all of those things...

But is that how you define yourself ?

Certainly the above are components of my definition, but I am more than the sum of my parts.

What defines you as being a great leader ?

I am not sure I get to define that. I know I am good at it because I know the relationships I have with the people I lead. I have awards on my wall. I have money in my budget. I have knowledge of what technique I apply with whom and when. I do not lead by the seat of my pants or by ignoring my training. Natural leaders do not exist, your teeth are cut somewhere. So, what I know - my people show me and tell me what they think of me from the bottom up and the top down. These things indicate a feeling beyond respect for my position.

Student ?

I listen closely to what I am being assigned to accomplish as it pertains to the topic being studied. I do what and how it is asked and I do it on time. And, participation.

Father ?

Again, do I define that I am great here? I hope I'm great. People tell me I am. I do my best to be consistent with the values he requires and that I want to educate. I speak positively of his mother always, even when he asks difficult things. I share my passions with him. I do not try to be his friend or the cool dad, but I am not the distant or angry dad I was a year ago. I show through actions what I ask him to be. And he tells me I am great, which is really the only compliment worth a dmn in this world; he may not always think that - I hope so though.

How do you separate the roles ?

I wish I could leave work at work, but I am paid to remain on call - I do keep boundaries for it though and I do not violate them. That said, the only work problems I bring home are the physical fatigue, the stress no. School, I set time aside in specific blocks. Not sure I do separate being a dad, but I do have "self time" on my weekend day W/ him. We both get to do things as individual down time and are not to do more than know the other is near by. We may both end up napping or I may read and he may play, etc.

How do you lead at work as opposed to home ??

No home to lead these days. Just a self to improve and a son to raise. Bills on time, lights are on, walk dog regularly, make bed daily, keep a clean place, and never ever under any circumstances allow 1980's glam rock to be played in my apartment.

[CT1118]

HANG ON THOUGH!!!! Please, let me catch up!

[CT1118]

Eric -

CT

First I can relate. Second, I want you to think about this for a second. 1) What can you really control in life 2) What does control really provide you with and why is that important.?

I am sorry that you are able to, on the flip, it did shape who we are. 1. I can control how I feel about myself, which in turn influences how I respond to the environment around me. As of my understanding for where I am now that is. 2. Control provides us with a feeling of security, perhaps some small prediction for the future, a likelihood of outcomes, some influence over the occurrences in our lives. This is important for many reasons, but in terms of speaking on how I was living and am challenging down - it was not thought of in terms of being important, but I would have to say to get what was wanted.

I was never given tools from them to learn control.

I might assume that you were not given much tools at all. When you say control..do you mean control yourself, your emotions or circumstances surrounding you?

What is it that goes through your mind if you do not feel “right”?

Ha, yes your assumption would be accurate. Yes, for the time period of my life I was referring to in that quote I was speaking to all three items you identify.

Now as for what goes through my mind if I don't feel right? I would say I really only feel this when its a case where I feel decidedly correct. And so, I would have to say evidence for why I feel so correct goes through my mind.

I would also say, that since this conversation with you and Mach1 began a few weeks ago, I have been paying more attention to this matter in my head. I passed two tests this weekend. Don't feel like explaining, just know that I passed.

my personal history teaches me that I value my own opinion more.

And why is that? Why the difference between work, school and your personal life? Do you only value intellect, which brings me to my next question. What is it that YOU value and why?

Well, yes that is what my history teaches me about ho I was, but I am working on being more open, attentive, and understanding these days. The difference in me at home vs. other areas of life I noticed many years ago. And my answer would be that I had absolutely no idea how to balance my life. I did not prioritize right. As well, I came home and it just felt like more work - that was my attitude anyway.

Of course not.

I am answering on myself here, not good ole' USA and GMO free food, etc.
integrity of character - because this represents so many other traits for me in my morals, trustworthiness, reliability as a human.
wisdom - intellect present or not, but how and when and where the application of knowledge comes in.
Growth - this comes from challenge, self-imposed or otherwise. growth may be towards goals identified or the needs unknown.
Compassion - backbone of love and understanding.
Friendship - I have many friends, many close ones that is. I am gifted by life in this way.
Giving back - volunteer work, outreach, putting more back in.
connection - I enjoy making connections with others.

How’s your day going so far?

And while I answered this the other, it is now a new day. And, quite stellar - did everything I set out to this weekend and a little more. And once I hit send, me and the little black dog will go for a walk and I shall return to read a few more pages in a text book.

[CT1118]

OK, last round, then open again...

[quote=CT1118] were, are, want to be? Childhood of being shown I was no good combined with the ego of a young man who found success on his own led to me becoming an overachieving professional superstar who grabbed every mentor, teacher, coach, certification, accreditation, volunteer opportunity, networking opportunity, make more more successful moment I could find. The downside part of this was that I was impatient for success, aggressive in character, spoke out of turn, commanding as a leader, knowitall, and defended my professional success and time against against anything which I felt threatened or challenged it. Success in the professional world led to a general belief that I was correct about most things in my personal life. I would lead before I would follow and be damned if I didn't. Now the above is the first 30 years; it all did calm down at some point, but it did not go away. That's who I was. That led to drug addiction, stress, lethargy, and not liking myself very much, if at all. So while it calmed down, it came back with the birth of my son, flashback movies of childhood in my brain, fear I would become my abusers and arguably I got worse than I ever was - I was a drug addict, a poor husband, an inattentive father, and a narcissist - and a socially functional version of all that. So typical for the script: awarding winning professional, loved by all at work and play - failing at home. I could not fix anything from a position where I was broken, but it was from there I had to start.

So what does all of that ^^^ , look like moving forward ??

Hold onto the positive things from this. Loosen the things where it does not matter as much,e.g. do I have to get an 'A'? I do not. Continue with IC. Stay strong where strong matters, learning how to identify where strong does not matter.

How do you deal with that fear ??

Well, now, I felt I had no choice but to face it. I have been facing many fears. A head butt, head on. I cannot say enough about how many fears I have faced, tackled, and made a dedication towards conquering. Progress is seen, for example, my son got in trouble at school today. Wife said he would not tell me anything, I asked to speak with him on the phone anyway. - open book; he immediately began telling me stuff about his day. Succeed at home - working on it.

How do you look at that guy in the mirror. and say enough is enough ??

Well, that was the watershed moment wasn't it? That day has come and gone. My physical body was not even close to my mind's eye. I was a disgusting mess. Now I look and I see me, an older version which is just fine, but me. But last February, that carcass...that was not me, that guy woke me up.

How will you know if he shows up again ???

Check points were established. Once I realized I had failed, I went to everyone I trusted. Being quite short in the story here, but - Drove to my parents -"I'm a drug addict victim of abuse, you abused me". Went to my doctor "I'm a drug addict, you were my dealer". Visited friends "If I looked off, absent, or otherwise, I was high. Remember that look, help me..." Checked in with IC "I am a drug addict, I have other issues, help me..." Went to N.A. "what do you have for me, how can I help..." Came to DB - bled my pain...you will tell me.

Mach1/Eric mostly, but J3B, a bit cadet. Hey, if you are not done with me, that is cool. You are not, I would think. I am learning. I hope others read and learn. I cannot say enough how much introspection all of this has given me in the past few weeks. Just...keep pushing if you need to push. Mucho bien un gracias.

[ericmsant2]

CT

I really wanted her to help me balance the money, but she never wanted to - would just scream about how much she earned and what she deserved (not always, not in the past, but when things went due south about 6 months before S).

What do YOU see in the above statement?

2. Control provides us with a feeling of security, perhaps some small prediction for the future, a likelihood of outcomes, some influence over the occurrences in our lives.

Does it really or is it really a false sense of security? Have you ever consider that life is really more like an ocean…it moves, it has waves, sometimes it is calm. You really cannot control it. You just sort of move with the waves.

Have you ever given some thought in just “living in the moment”?