I will apologize in advance if this gets too long. I don�t write often but when I do I can�t seem to stop.
Two days ago it was one month when my W left me. I didn�t find out about it "officially" until May 8 (Mother�s Day!), 2016, but May 5th was the day I left with my D to go to Texas to see her graduate with her Masters' degree and that was the day the W started moving out. About mid-March my W said she wasn�t sure if she would go to the ceremony because she was worried about our dog. Our dog is old and in not the best of health. I thought it was a bit extreme to give more credence to our dog than our daughter, but my W adores our dog and she understands the closeness of my D and I, and I assumed my W was concerned about the costs of us going to Texas.
When my D and I came back home the first thing we noticed was a lot of items in the garage were removed. I was initially happy because the garage was getting so cluttered. I figured while we were away my W put some stuff in storage at her lodge she is a member of. When I went into the house it was obvious what had happened. She left me. I won�t go into detail about what she took, but a lot of the stuff she took almost seemed as if she was punishing me, but then some of the stuff she left it seemed she was thinking of me more than she should have.
We�ve been married for over 31 years, together for nearly 33 years. She was totally devoted to me throughout our marriage. I was the one usually more aloof with my feelings toward her. I did love her, but not to the extent she loved me. Only now do I realize just how much I loved her. The pain I�m going through is unimaginable, as I�m sure most on here can relate.
I used to work on the road a lot and throughout our marriage I let her take care of all the finances. When I got promoted I got to be home 95 percent of the time and I should have been happy. Well, what happened is I opened a credit card statement and fully expecting it to be a "zero" balance. It had a balance of thousands of dollars. The more I investigated the more of the discovery of our credit card debt hit me in the face. I was devastated. Years ago I worked over 80 hours a week to get ourselves out of debt and get our dream home. We were pretty much debt free. So to see my plans for the future crash and burn made me look at her in a different light. We still had a lot of good moments, but I was never as happy as I could be. It seemed I was always placing a dollar amount on everything.
I guess our marriage could still be considered a "good" marriage until 3 1/2 years ago. My W lost her job at a health clinic because it closed. The job was really beneath her anyway as her talents were way above the position she had but I was okay with that because she did have jobs that were high pressure in the past and I already had a high pressure position and I thought it best if not both of us had demanding jobs.
My W losing her job wasn't a big concern with me because she had never had difficulty getting a job and whatever position she got she ALWAYS excelled at it. But this time around she didn't even try to get a job. She went through the motions when she was collecting unemployment but when the benefits ended she still didn't try. My job allowed her to not work. The debt we had wasn't decreasing but we held it at bay. I'm not a chauvinist, but I really started to resent her because she wasn't pulling her share IMO. The house was never cleaned, she was always more interested in being with her friends, and the "dinners" she cooked for me was always something she prepared earlier in the day and I would have to reheat when I got home from work and eat it alone. Her laundry was everywhere, and I mean everywhere. I washed my own clothes and I was able to put them away, but she couldn�t. It irritated me to no end. I tried to talk to her about it but she would close up and wouldn�t talk, which in turn would anger me even more.
Our sex life was DOA for years. She had let herself go in the looks department (long story) and with my resentment towards her I just lost all desire for her. My D told me a couple of times it hurt my W's feelings that I never wanted to make love to her, but I didn't care at the time.
In October I finally couldn�t take the job I had. The pressures I had in the job were overwhelming and coupled with my home life I could not see the sense of going through with it anymore. I resigned from my job. I had no plans of what was going to happen but I figured whatever happened had to be better than what I was going through then. I�ve since discovered she completely stopped paying the credit cards in her name the same time I left my job. I have to wonder if she gave up even then.
I had thought about leaving her before, but for a variety of reasons I never did. Mainly because I couldn�t afford to keep up two households and I did not want to hurt her, and I knew I still cared about her. She got a low paying job (brings home barely $1k a month) a couple of months ago and I suppose she had been squirreling money away and when she saw an opportunity to leave she took it. Joke is on me now. I have no idea where she even lives.
I hired an attorney and served her papers for spousal support. It was basically a preemptive strike to keep her from going after me financially. I�m stuck figuring out when and how to pay the bills and the last thing I needed was for her to go after me for more money. From what my D told me my W was stunned I did that. She told my D that she doesn�t have money for an attorney to answer back. One of the things I worried about was my W is very outgoing and knows lots of people, including some established lawyers, and I thought I was at a serious disadvantage. I did not want to get caught flat-footed.
I have had very limited conversations with her. A sporadic text or an email once or twice a week and that�s been it, and after she got served it got even colder. The day before she got served I ran into her and she held back tears and we had a little small talk and we briefly hugged. I stupidly told her I loved her. I hadn�t told her that in years. I can�t be sure, but I think she really fought back her tears.
I�ve done a lot of research during the last month on how to get through this. As I�ve said I was smart enough not to call her to beg her back or bombard her with my apologies. I think I�ve made two huge mistakes. I think the first mistake was writing her a lengthy letter (19 pages) going over our history and how I�m feeling now. I didn�t sugar coat anything in the letter. I went over everything that was good and bad in our marriage. She never responded to me about the letter. She got it about two days after she got served. The second mistake I think I made was serving her the papers. I think she may just think our marriage is really over since I did that.
I purchased and the Divorce Remedy book. I�m trying to see how it can help me out as it seems it would have been a better read to help my marriage before she moved out and not after. If there is a better book for help me tackle the issues after the horse has left the barn then I�m open for it.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks Cadet. Believe me, I've been reading through numerous posts from the links above and I will continue to do so.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I've got the DR book. It took a few extra days to get it because of an Amazon snafu.
The W left so she is not at the house so there is no chance she will see the DR. I'm seriously thinking of getting the DB book as well.
If our marriage survives I think it will be stronger than ever. Her leaving was probably the best thing to happen. I knew there were loads of problems and I wasn't willing to change to make the marriage work because I didn't think it was worth it. Her leaving has really opened my eyes to what *I* need to do to make the marriage work, because I now know I want it to work.
I'm willing and trying to change and GAL. I'm an introvert so I'm pretty happy piddling around the house not doing a whole lot. It's times like this where my introverted nature is hurting me. I don't have friends close by so I'm been dealing with this alone for the most part. I try to leave my D out of it.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
I'm willing and trying to change and GAL. I'm an introvert so I'm pretty happy piddling around the house not doing a whole lot. It's times like this where my introverted nature is hurting me.
Maybe it is time to make some 180's to become more outgoing.
Our sex life was DOA for years. She had let herself go in the looks department (long story) and with my resentment towards her I just lost all desire for her. My D told me a couple of times it hurt my W's feelings that I never wanted to make love to her, but I didn't care at the time.
So if you had a do over what would you do about the above? This is all about her looks? I am not buying that - sorry.
Are you working now? I am unclear about what you wrote above?
I'm a big introvert too, and really I think the last few years I had been essentially self-medicating with electronics (video games, internet, etc). It was a lot easier to fill my spare time with diversions than to try and tackle why I was increasingly unhappy, or seek more meaningful connections with other people.
In a way I was kinda a mirror of what the Waywards do, seeking the momentary highs rather than doing the hard work to really dig deep and fix things.
Anyway, in case it helps I wanted to share a couple things that have helped me recently with trying to be held back less by my introversion:
I read a book on small talk. Have been practicing it on random people (hair cut lady, in line at grocery store, etc). Not trying to make a new best friend, but just trying to move beyond 'mute'.
I make a point to take breaks from phone/tablet/etc, even when I don't have anything else I have to do.
Joined a couple meetup groups.
Initiated contact with a couple friends/relatives I haven't spoken to in a while.
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
Maybe it is time to make some 180's to become more outgoing.
Find some new things to do!
How about skydiving?
Skydiving I've actually thought of that before. I did bungee jumping once and I couldn't walk for a week afterwards because I was so scared.
Most people wouldn't think I was not outgoing. My last job was very public orientated so I had to deal with lots of people all the time. I really just enjoy "my" time.
I have been looking into joining an organization like the American Legion or something like that. I'm trying to determine if I am willing to give up my time for that. I guess it wouldn't hurt and I might find I like it.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Our sex life was DOA for years. She had let herself go in the looks department (long story) and with my resentment towards her I just lost all desire for her. My D told me a couple of times it hurt my W's feelings that I never wanted to make love to her, but I didn't care at the time.
So if you had a do over what would you do about the above? This is all about her looks? I am not buying that - sorry.
Are you working now? I am unclear about what you wrote above?
No, sorry, it was not all about her looks, but she did let herself "go" somewhat. She did put on some pounds, but that never bothered me. I guess she started changing her hair color to what her friends liked more than what I liked, going to the tanning beds like an addiction, and really started dressing like a slob. It was more about comfort than how she looked. When she got a job recently she started dressing a lot better. I even complimented her.
And not to beat around the bush, I do have ED. I actually scheduled a doctor's appointment 2 weeks before the BD, but I wasn't seen until last week of may. I knew I had it but I resented my wife so much by then I didn't want sex anyway.
If I had to do it over again I would have went to the doctor to get the blue pill and worked with my wife on intimacy.
Yes, I do have a job. I got one right after I left my previous job. It doesn't pay as well and it's still stressful, but I had to leave my last job. I just had to.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
