Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Hi all - yes i'm back, not sure for how long though... Wanted to wait a bit longer but thought that the time is right now to give some newbies and vet's some hope and faith.
I do plan on summarising this whole DB thing in few threads that could rival Sandi's stuff, but from an opposing view of "drop the M, save yourself". Will do once the D is done.
So does DB work - YES IT DOES. Can it save a marriage - depends if you want to.
I have completed all requirements for filing of the D. I could get the final papers within the next few days. Then I go to our divorce court and get put on the court roll. Then I appear before the magistrate and legally divorce. This could be done within 2 to 4 weeks. South Africans know the need to "let go" of the past - LOL.
In a nutshell, my STBXWW has no respect for me. If she has no respect, then she does not care about me. If she does not care about me, then she does not love me. No-one cheats on someone that they respect, care about or love. I think that these 3 basic things are a requirement for a happy marriage - and i'm not even going to go into my side of the R.
I can choose to fight for something that isn't mine anymore, or i can live my life to the fullest and find someone that knows what real love is and is willing to share it with me.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Hey DDJ... You might be faking it till you make it, but it does sound like your at piece with where you are, and that's the best that could be hoped for. Good for you.
I don't know how much of my thread you read when you stopped by, but overall I'm doing well, just that MC 2 days ago stirred up some emotions. I only ended being up for about 1 1/2 hrs last night, then went back to cuddle, I've been doing well about keeping my emotions in chk. I have been letting go what I can't control, but that doesn't mean I don't consider it in making decisions as to where I want to go. But for now, I continue on, making myself better and working on piecing.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I'm not faking it. I realised that that anxiety that keeps one awake at night is because your body, your soul is telling you that something is wrong. The minute I gave up on my M and focused on healing myself, it slowly stopped and has now gone away entirely.
I was never without fear as to whether or not i wanted her as a GF, whether I wanted to move in with her, get engaged, marry her, have a child with her - BUT now I am sure and without fear that I am making the best decision for me.
OH, and my e-divorce papers just came - I go to court tomorrow :-)
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
In a nutshell, my STBXWW has no respect for me. If she has no respect, then she does not care about me. If she does not care about me, then she does not love me. No-one cheats on someone that they respect, care about or love. I think that these 3 basic things are a requirement for a happy marriage
I agree with all of this. But I still fail to see how the best path forward is divorce as opposed to working to rebuild those things.
Thx Darknes. Was going to keep this for my big post once the D is settled, but am going to call you out again...
Once more, I respect your opinion and I would not be a healed, strong, confident God believing man if it was not for your help too.
But you said previously that you were non-religious, and never believed in D. This is the thing, we got married in a church because we understood that God ordained our M's. But then we forgot about God and went along our merry way, until BD, which was when we looked in the mirror and never liked what we saw.
Now we have an opportunity to accept infidelity as a part of M, or do the right thing, regardless if we feel differently. Taking the right action trumps doing what you feel is right.
So here's the call-out - D was created to end a marriage for unfaithfulness, if the partner is unrepentant - If you do not believe in the purpose of D, then you do not believe in the sanctity of M?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I'm not sure you want to answer these since you didn't mention them, but just in case. Does your WW still live in the house? Has she shown any reaction to the D moving forward? What do you think you would do if she came to you with sincere remorse, wanting to do anything to save M?
You've gone through hell in your situation, and I'm glad to see that you are finding peace. I would disagree with anyone that says you shouldn't move forward with D if that is what you want/need, as long as your ready to actually move on, and it sounds like you are.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
She does live in the house, still in the second bedroom and still untidy as hell.
She has shown some emotion, but i have hardened my heart to the point that we are literally living like neighbours. There has been literally no physical contact, besides holding hands at pray time with my son for about a month. I even created a barrier to her Temp checking - i told her that if she continues then i will throw her out when the house is in my name - she promptly stopped. That helped take me off her rollercoaster a bit.
As for saving the marriage, well, not a chance because i have made up my mind. She could walk through coals, throw herself into a burning volcano. Nothing will change my mind. She came up with a silly story yesterday about a guy at the bank who's trying to save his M even though he's aware of an affair... she says " and i'm not even having an affair, why can't you try and make things work too".
God has saved me and I have saved myself. That is all that matters to me. I'm putting the old DDJ in the past, along with all of his sins and moving forward as the new DDJ.
I am not a broken man. I am a healed man. I only cry for the breakdown of the family unit.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
