She claims that she is going back and forth on the R. She says that she feels horrible for acting this way, but yet continues to do so. She says that she still loves me and is in love with me and does not want a divorce, but thinks that this separation would be best for both of us. Giving her space to "work her ish out" and giving me space to do the same. I'm just having a really hard time with the separation part.
Hello Keaton,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Sadly, your wife is cake eating in a major way right now. She is enjoying the single girl lifestyle without any of the consequences.
She could be saying she isn't sure about the R because she wants to keep you close as plan B.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Keaton, I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this, it's hard, it's confusing, it's... well, you know. I hope you're finding yourself in a more stable state since joining the forums. Everyone that posted in your thread already provides great advice... and doodler can get boxes at a rediculously discounted price due to the sheer amount of distribution he provides to the forum members (kidding)...
I've read your [short] story, and find the behavior of your WW is truly astonishing to me. There are a few things that make this immediately stand out as different than others. She never even tried to hide the A from you? there's been no lies?
I don't mean to pry, so sorry in advance, but were there any "big events" that happened between you all? Her actions almost seem vengeful, like she's set out to purposely inflict damage to those around her (you specifically).
These are just my first thoughts, Listen to the advice from the others... and most importantly, read the homework that Cadet posted, as well as the posts from Sandi about Wayward Wives and the Newbie LBS. Keep posting, provide any details you think might have led up to this moment. Some people are more open that others about providing personal/childhood/familial history and details, and that's your call, but the more that's known, the more the community has to work with to help you out.
I'm a bit 'spent' for multiple reasons right now, but I'll revisit this tomorrow and until then, I wish you well, Keaton. We're all here to help, and hope you stick around to work through these troubled times.
If I'm going to come clean fully, I should do it here. My W called me out on me making out with a friend of ours about 4-5 years ago. There was no sex, just kissing, but it happened 3 different times, and I never told her. Well she found out yesterday and laid into me tonight. I feel like a POS. She was very upset that I didn't tell her and that I let her continue being friends with her. I apologized profusely, but I don't know what else I could do or say. But then my stupid clouded head kicks in.
I start asking her about where she was all this weekend and confirmed that she slept with the same guy twice this weekend. She tells me that it's just sex and that it doesn't mean anything. I tell her that it means something to me. I also ask her why if she is doing this separation to "work on herself" why that also includes sleeping around with or making out with other guys?
I know I am doing everything wrong and that I'm not supposed to be doing any of this to try to get through this STICH. I was able to get in touch with a couple of good friends tonight and talk with them about everything that is going on. That did help. I just need to learn to man the f' up and start doing what everything that I have been reading for the last 2-3 weeks has been telling me to do. (Always easier said than done).
I did move up my therapy appointment to Wednesday after explaining to her everything that I was going through, so hopefully that will help.
I did spend quite a bit of time today reading and in some cases re-reading through everything that Cadet posted after my first post. I know it's the typical first post response, but still, there was some good things in there. I know that I need to work on detaching and stop being the pursuer. Both of those articles hit me pretty good. Sandi2's rules were also a great guide that I need to probably re-read daily until it become habit.
I just hope that the timing of all of this does not doom my M. I'm beginning to accept that it will for sure push her away pretty hard for sometime. And that I need to be prepared for the long haul or walk.
Most importantly, I need to focus more on myself during this time and working through my issues. Because whether we stay together or not, the work that I do on myself is the only thing that will continue on.
Me:39, W39 D19, S17 - both out of house T13, M9 5/22/2016 she wants in-home separation
Betterm - first off, thank you for your response. I did get a laugh out of your boxes comment, and I needed that.
Sorry for the lengthy replies, but my mind just won't shut up sometimes.
I think the reason that she is not hiding these things from me when I ask, is that we had talked about an open R a few times. The most recent time, is what I think lead up to this big blowout. We had talked about this previously, like 3-4 years ago, and when we sudo agreed that we would be open to it. Part of my problem is that I can become so singularly focused on one to two things. So when we were out at bars and what not, I would ask, what do you think of her, how about him, or her. And she got pretty annoyed by this. We had a big argument that night and I thought that was the end of that. It really didn't bother me too much that that was the end of that.
Fast forward to two months ago when I found out that she had made out with another guy. I know that I have f'd up just the same and did not tell her about it, but it still upset me because of who it was. Someone who I thought was a friend and that I had in my home one week earlier. Anyways, when I found out about this and I confronted her about it, we had a long discussion about what if we try the open R again. I should have balled up right then, and said that I wasn't ready to discuss this right now, but no, I went along with it, and said that we could talk about it in more detail the next day.
Next day comes and we discuss what our boundaries will be. At first I'm like I would only be comfortable with other couples initially, and her response is that it would be too difficult or take to long for that to happen (should have been my first clue). So I reluctantly agreed to we could have an open R with whom ever, but we had the right to say no if needed. There were a lot of other rules, but I think that is irrelevant for this "story".
(If you can't tell, I haven't told many people about all of this, which is why my post are so freaking long)
So after a few weekends of drinking (problem 2), and having blow ups about 3 weekends in a row, is when she said that she wanted to separate. I'm still emotional after our latest fight and I reluctantly agree, not like I had much of a choice. But I put some rules down for her to agree to. One of the first ones, that we would not sleep around or fool around with anyone else during this time. It was for each of us to work on ourselves and get our ish together. Because of my struggle with detachment, the very first day with us being "separated", I told her that I could not mentally handle it right now and was there another way. So she agreed to stay with me, but wanted to the freedom to do whatever whenever she wanted. I agreed. So then just a few days later she goes out and stays out all night, during a weekday.
Sorry, I'm going to have to finish this post later. My wife and I just had a very big talk. I let her voice everything ( or most everything) that she has wrong with me right now. Need to process.
Thank you all for your help and support and I'll try to check in tomorrow.
Me:39, W39 D19, S17 - both out of house T13, M9 5/22/2016 she wants in-home separation
So today is a new day. Need to keep a positive attitude. Going to take care of some things around the house that came up last night as being reminders of some of my actions over the last couple of months.
I need to focus on detaching and GAL. Going to workout later today too. Here's hoping I can get through today with much less drama than has been happening as of late.
Me:39, W39 D19, S17 - both out of house T13, M9 5/22/2016 she wants in-home separation
So she agreed to stay with me, but wanted to the freedom to do whatever whenever she wanted. I agreed. So then just a few days later she goes out and stays out all night, during a weekday.
This is my first post so don't listen to anything I say
What are the things you are "taking care of around the house that came up last night"? Are they because you want to do them and you believe they lead to being a better man? or to appease W?
Sounds like you are really beginning to uncover a lot of your own part in all of this. Not to be cruel, but come on... you find out about A and your old makeout session isn't the FIRST THING that pops into your mind? Still, you're getting it all out. It's good. Get it out here. Not in front of W!
I can totally relate Mr. Nice Guy. Reading previous big post from yesterday. There is a LOT of "not-really-boundary-setting".
Quote:
I put some rules down for her to agree to
She obviously did not agree. And when you think about setting boundaries now, realize she does not have to agree. They are about you.
Quote:
So she agreed to stay with me, but wanted to the freedom to do whatever whenever she wanted. I agreed.
Of course she did. She gets all the fun with none of the consequences. Plus she's doing you a HUGE favor appeasing your insecurity by "staying with you". More fuel to justify doing whatever she wants.
I know you're on here reading. Keep reading. Realize that WW is like being on drugs. Abducted by an alien.
My uninformed advice: all this talk of open R really messed things up. Sounds like you guys really were not on the same page. "Agreements" were made in the heat of emotion that were not really authentic and thought-through, but provide the perfect rationalization for anybody to do whatever they wanted.
Stop talking with W about your R. Don't give her the cold shoulder, be friendly & courteous. But find the things that make YOU happy right now.
I'm in a really similar mental state right now. I can relate soooo much. It's like... when you don't rely on your W to validate yourself, how are you supposed to figure out how to be happy and fulfilled? It seems like it should be so simple, but after living for years depending on that other person for your own happiness, it has been really hard for me (and I suspect you too) to figure out what actually makes me happy. Spend some time. Figure it out. Try things.
Kids are out of the house man, go to town! Go to a concert. Keep lifting weights. Join a gym just to go sit in the hot tub for an hour. It's summer, go for a walk every evening. Take a pottery/metalworking/painting/woodworking/sword-making class on the weekend.
Also think back to how you were before you guys met (or whatever time you were most content). What did you do for fun? What did you enjoy? What made you "you"? And then do those things because they were how YOU enjoyed living your life. Sure it has the side benefit that they are also the things that attracted your W in the first place. But chances are, a lot of them got stripped away as life went off the rails, and you need to rediscover them for YOU.
Me: 34, W: 39 T: 10y, M: 8y D 4, D 6 2nd M for both BD: 4/22 status: separate beds, GAL, hopeful
So today is a new day. Need to keep a positive attitude. Going to take care of some things around the house that came up last night as being reminders of some of my actions over the last couple of months.
I need to focus on detaching and GAL.
How are you doing today, Keaton?
These 'things around the house', were you using the doors and walls as a punching bag?
Not sure what's going on over there, but I remember when my sitch started and one of the complaints was 'her wishes around house weren't being attended to'... I knocked out like, 2 months worth of projects in about 4 days, only to be met with... "so, why do you care now?"... I threw the 'honey-do' list away after that, and started my own list of goals to accomplish.
