Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo

[Phoebe]

Wow. That is a very strange reaction to your BFs death, Painter.

I will say that the one hug I did get was from my father when I had my first breakdown/hyperventilating-sobbing attack two days after H left, and I was very grateful.

You know, on that note, there's another modality that I have yet to get involved with - group therapy. I don't even know how I'd get hooked up with a group, though.

[Phoebe]

I forgot to answer your questions, Grl.

No. I never heard the concerns from H about feeling inferior or that I treated him like a child until after he ran away. He also said hat he had no identity outside of being my husband. I'm not sure if these were long-term concerns of H that he did not share, or if they were rationalization she used to support his starting and then continuing down the slippery slope toward the affair and abandonment. Was he gaslighting or were they true complaints that he buried?

All I know is that hearing them hurt a lot. It's too late to do anything about those concerns within my MR, and it has just served to scare me about future relationship prospects.

[betterm]

Hey Phoebe, you know not to believe anything he says, right? Maybe just jot any concerns you gave on a notepad/journal you keep and discuss them with an IC if your truly concerned about carrying these flaws into any future relationships. I just find it strange that he'd never said anything about it until he's now probably looking for more reasons to justify his position in the sitch.

[Phoebe]

I know, betterm, it's just that I struggle to understand what the heck has happened to my MR. I want to grow from this damn mess, and improve myself.

I am stuck in an endless loop, trying to understand something I may never actually be able to understand because my H may not have understood it himself.

Remember the old phrase (there are a lot of variations, so I don't know who to credit), 'Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.' I don't want to ever repeat this experience.

[betterm]

I can understand that thought process for sure. I've always been one to overanalyze everything. And it took me a while before I understood what my WW was saying when she said over and over "you have no idea what you have caused", and while I do know most of my flaws that led to this situation I'm in, I don't know everything that I've caused my W to do in response to it.

I don't take responsibility for her actions, they are hers, and I don't know what all she has done to further hurt herself on top of what I may have caused, but the inner demons are definitely there, and I now know that asking her for more details will only lead to bad results,foe the exact reason you said... She doesn't even know why she would take part in the things that she's doing.

She's doing the very exact thing her ex sister in law did when her brother was getting divorced, and at that time, only the devil would do such things... Now, she's the one doing it, and it's all righteous. Go figure.

[JksD]

Yes, I'll start with your H! Then I'll come give you a big hug (and I won't even hit on you).

Lol!

I won't hit on any of you ladies hete too but if the drought lasts any longer....

Phoebe, I guess it may be a bit of both. You sound like a very strong woman and your H might have felt daunted by your awesomeness.

But for the time being, he is someone else's monkey.

[Phoebe]

So, today's been kind of difficult again. The good part of the day was going out for a nice hike with my new hiking friend/acquaintance and her daughter. We all identified a new bird and saw some cool things along the way.

Then it was time to see my L and sign all manner of paperwork. It just made me feel a bit ill and out of sorts. The L asked me when I last talked to or saw H, and was shocked when I said it was over 2 months ago. "He didn't even tell you he was filing for divorce?' Ummmm. No.

I just finished up with my therapist, and that was hard, too. I am really tired of crying all the time. I want to fast forward to the part where I am feeling better and this gaping wound has healed, but there's no way out but through, as they say.

My therapist asked me if H had ever told me why he chose to just disappear, rather than to tell me he was leaving. I stumbled around with some of the revisionist history, inferiority, etc. that H spewed at me, but my T said those were H's feelings, not an explanation for his actions. So. My final answer was, no, i still have not heard an explanation for why he chose to run away from home. I am pretty much just as confused today as I was in December. The only difference is that I know a lot more now than I did in the beginning. Knowledge does not equal understanding, unfortunately, but at least it's something.

I'm so tired that I may have to take a nap in the parking lot again. I need normal, satisfying sleep.

[SH_]

Good evening Phoebe.

I am sorry that I have not been as active here as I would like to be. I have been very busy and by the time I get some time, I am drop dead tired. But I have been peeking in and doing my best to keep up with you even if it is in silence.
You are doing really well in keeping active and doing the work. I am proud of all of the work you put in.

This post here is one that I want to share some thoughts with you on. Please know that they are purely my thoughts and come from my experience in progressing and moving forward. I also did some research on it and it helped in my decisions as I progress.

I know, betterm, it's just that I struggle to understand what the heck has happened to my MR. I want to grow from this damn mess, and improve myself.

I am stuck in an endless loop, trying to understand something I may never actually be able to understand because my H may not have understood it himself.

I think many LBS continue to struggle to understand what happened to the MR, because it is a normal part of the process. But, what I see is that the LBS that struggle longer than others, it is due to not accepting what is as what is. Basically rumination takes place and becomes the habit.

As you continue to try and piece the past together, what is the desired outcome? Will the knowledge of details change anything? Will it make the you feel better? Will there be a learning from the details?

I don't know. But I do know that the LBS that I see on these forums that are able to move forward and heal are the ones that accept what is, regardless of any specific details.

My IC really drove this point home with me when I could not seem to get past wanting to understand it all. The point came home to me when I realized that there was no scenario of details that would change anything, and all I could do was simply accept it.

Acceptance is key.

You will grow and begin the journey of improvement once you accept it.

Acceptance is how you break the endless loop.

There is not another way.

Remember the old phrase (there are a lot of variations, so I don't know who to credit), 'Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.' I don't want to ever repeat this experience.

A good way not to repeat the past is to learn from it, for sure.

But my question here, is from what perspective does one look at the past?
History changes based on whomever is documenting the history, right.
I am sure a historian from Germany has written a very different history about the 2 world wars than the one we here in America have learned from American historians.

Why? Different perspectives and recollections of events and thoughts.

I bring this up, because your recollection of your MR will differ from your WH.

So what can you do to understand the past? Take a few minutes and review it from your perspective. Learn from what you know and start to put into action the things you must to do your part to have a better future. But, you must put a short time limit on this. If not, your own recollection will start to change the longer you look at it.


MWD strongly encourages looking forward with action plans and staying away from looking backward at all of the causes. She advises staying away from MC and IC's that want to just look at the causes and past issues. I think this is missed by many when referring to DBing.

My IC, helped me to understand the value of acceptance so I could move forward. He helped me focus on actions to handle the now and the future. I now appreciate his efforts.

Phoebe, my challenge to you now, is to focus on the now and forward. This is the next step for you. Rumination will not help. Continuing to look backwards will not benefit you the longer you do this. Looking backward to understand it all, and try and uncover every detail of why we are standing where we are is a task that will leave more questions than answers.

In my reading of your story, there are themes that I would say you know what you need to work on. I would say that there is not much more to try and learn.

Some thoughts to ponder.

Let go of the things that can no longer be fixed. If you force to try to put them back, things will only get worse. Holding on is being brave, but sometimes moving on makes you even tougher! - unknown

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.” -Mandy Hale

You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one. - unknown

Sometimes you need to walk away not to make someone else realize how worthy you are but for you to understand and acknowledge you own self worth. -Unknown

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fcuk on.” -Tupac

My thoughts here are to help you try and break the pattern of pain and sadness. It is a needed part of the process, but the caution is to avoid letting it become a habit.

Sleep well my dear Phoebe. You are healing and getting stronger everyday. You are going to not simply survive this, but you will thrive, because that is who you are.

[Phoebe]

Yup. I slept about an hour in the parking lot. Being too tired to stay awake mid-day is becoming a bad habit. I almost never nap, and now I'm doing it in public?!?!

This evening I read some more from a book from my therapist, and the chapter about fear got me crying again. Good grief. I had been doing less of that, but it seems like the last few days have brought my emotions closer to the surface again. I think I'd like a bit of that old numbness to come back.

So my chicks are in their newly-expanded digs and were having a jolly time scratching and running around when I left them tonight. They really are quite amusing. They're at at age where they freak out anytime I get near them. I remember some of my chicks last year were the same way, and they all mellowed out eventually. My full grown girls were super sweet when I was out with them, tonight, crowding around me and letting me pet them. The cats are as sweet as ever.

I went out and walked my fields right at dark again. I love walking at the end of the day. It's so peaceful and quiet. Deer were out grazing, and it was just beautiful. I hope that we have a nice warm evening soon. The fireflies are out, but they put on their best displays when it's warm, and this past week has been downright chilly. I have the heat on, actually.

My land brings me so much comfort and solace. H is gone, but the world, and particularly my little corner of it, is still a beautiful place.

[SH_]

Oh how I wish I could be there on your land and enjoy the sensation of the scenery.

You share it so well that I can picture it and almost feel like I am standing there.

I really miss living in a place with such nature and beauty.