Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo

[Phoebe]

So apparently it's time for my weekend tsunami crash. Back to the old crying thing again. I must have used up all of my bravery on Friday when I went to the L.

When my neighbor was here today he wondered aloud what I did to make H hate me so much. He told me that one day when I wasn't here, he asked H why he didn't work on a specific project himself while I was gone. H said "If I don't do it right, Phoebe will kill me." The thing is, I would have probably been really happy if H had taken charge of something. He just almost never did. Neighbor also said that whenever I wasn't around, H talked a lot, but if I was there, H acted like he had nothing to say.

That reminded me how H said that I made him feel inferior and like he was a little boy. I loved H and he plainly felt like I emasculated him and overshadowed him. It just feels sh1tty.

Every weekend this sadness hits me, triggered by one thing or another. Maybe because, even if he was away during the week, H was always here on the weekends. Weekends are always so much harder for me.

I'm just sad and scared and lonely today. Cue the 2x4s.

[JksD]

No 2 x 4s for you. You have been very brave. It's another story for your neighbour. I would like to give him a big one on the head for his lack of a sensitivity chip.

Having said that, is there truth to what your neighbour said? Did H ever say the same thing to you? If your H didn't, then he couldn't expect you to mindread. I don't think your mindreading abilities were one of your attractions.... He was an adult. He could have raised his concerns to you.

If this is a valid concern, then this would be an area of 180 to work on. It still doesnt give him the right to walk out on you the way he did. He needs to own his own cr@p.

(((Phoebe))) It is normal to feel brave some days and not feel brave on others. We just have to make sure that that we don't wallow in the depths. And you sound like you've been doing a very good job of moving onwards and upwards.


I am not feeling too brave myself these few weeks. But a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

[Painter]

Phoebe, is it your birthday today? Are you not spending it with family? Here's a birthday (((((((((((Phoebe)))))))))) (or just a hug if it's not your bday.)

I'm sorry your H wasn't man enough or had the confidence to cherish your skills and abilities. It's no reflection on you. You don't seem like a critical harpy, I wonder if maybe H just didn't have the drive to match yours and it made him feel inferior about himself.

WH has said something along the same lines to me - that I talk to him like he's a child and that I am critical and never happy with him (perfectionist). I have tried to work on those habits, because they're not good behaviors and I know he had a point. I also feel like he put me in that role a bit, too. I know WH admired me and still does - but OW makes him feel better about himself.

It sounds like your H is engaging in very 'young' behavior and wants a very different lifestyle than you do. Don't take that personally.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. And I want to smack that neighbor of yours, talk about insensitive bafoon!

[Phoebe]

No, it's a fake birthday, but even if today has been a tough day, it was nothing compared to how bad my real birthday was. That was within a few days of when H ran away.

I was reading about Spousal Abandonment Syndrome today. All I know is that it svcks more than anything I've ever experienced. What's particularly hard is that so many people think I should be over it by now. I wish they understood that I don't want to feel this way. I'm not purposefully wallowing in this. I am doing everything I can to crawl out of the hole. I feel like I'm wearing out my support system, and that is apparently common in the SAS model.

I was really shaky this morning and showed my shaky hands to my father. His annoyed response: "well, why are you DOING it?!" Um… because I like to burn extra calories while standing still? What the he11? I said it started the day H left, and my dad replied "he must have incredible magic powers to still be able to cause that." My father has no empathy whatsoever. I showed my weakness and he was annoyed and scolding. I know the reality is that he's tired of seeing me being so messed up, but directing that frustration at me doesn't help me. It just reinforces the idea that I need to hide myself.

Just a day, and I'm hurting.

Thanks for your kindness Grl and Painter. It's nice to know that not everyone is fed up with my recovery pace.

[JksD]

Phoebe, sorry about your dad's response to you. You're right. He's annoyed because he sees you hurting and he doesn't know how to help you.

I have this problem with haters as well. They expect me to snap out of it. And like you, I am actually quite chipper in public. I only show my pain and hurt on the boards and to close friends. These people haven't walked a mile in our shoes.

I guess what we can do is to ignore these people. Move away from them and surround yourself with people who are kinder and more empathetic.

[Painter]

Now I need to smack your dad, too!?? Has he always been like this? Can your mom talk some sense into him?

I think it gets to me because WH could say things like that to me. Very little empathy.

[Phoebe]

Actually that's par for the course with my father. And no, my mother would not be able to talk any sense into him. It gives me something to laugh about with my therapist. I know he'll never change, yet I still keep looking to him for sympathy. Don't get me wrong. He has given me so much and has helped me so much over time, and I love him dearly, but as my grief counselor say, "You don't go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread."

My Mom is better lately, but my immediate family is not known for its empathy. They love me, but it doesn't always show the same way it does in other families. I've gotten one hug from the three of them in response to my pain in the last 6 months. Even my brother, when I told him about H said, "it happens." Yes, but it's never happened to me before.

Painter, if you want to come smack anyone around for me, you'd be most welcome! Maybe you could put my H first on your list, though?

[J5K]

Phoebe

I am sorry to hear that your family is that way. Mine is just as bad if not worse. Hugs!

[Phoebe]

Thanks, Jim. Sometimes all I can do is laugh about it, but it hasn't made the last 6 months any easier.

H was my main source of comfort and physical affection, and when he abdicated, there was not a lot of emotional support left in my life, and no physical affection. I kind of feel like I've had to invent my support system out of whole cloth. A little bit here, and a little bit there, a little more from somewhere else…

When I said that my therapist filled the role of the empathetic male figure in my life, I wasn't exaggerating.

[Painter]

I didn't grow up in an emotionally expressive family, either, and I'm definitely the most emotional one of the bunch (which would make you laugh if you knew me because I'm sooo rational and calm most of the time), but we were at least good with words. Although I remember when my BF was killed in an accident and my dad responded by writing a check... He didn't want me to have to worry about money at the time, poor thing.

So why am I surprised that I married an emotionally withdrawn man?

Phoebe, this was an excellent group therapy session - thank you!

Yes, I'll start with your H! Then I'll come give you a big hug (and I won't even hit on you).