Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo

[SH_]

I'm right there with you today Phoebe.

I was not to tired last night after a busy day at work and car buying . I finally fell asleep around 1130. I was tired just not sleepy.
I woke up at 330 and was wide awake. Laid there till 4 and then got up and worked out.

Nothing really going on in my mind, I do feel a little lonely though. Not the kind that induces anxiety nor worry, just simply a void in my being.

Any way, I'm feeling a bit drowsy, but got keep going today. I see both girls tonight and have errand to get done after work.

Have a good day Phoebe. Onward and upward in the journey. Sleep or no sleep we got this.

[Phoebe]

Ok, so I was working on getting paperwork together for the appointment with the local L tomorrow and I was looking over our prepaid highway toll data.

More puzzle pieces just started fitting together, and I am just shaking my head. My purpose in looking at these records was to establish how much time H spent in my state vs. his work state because of the question of jurisdiction for the D proceedings. Instead, I got distracted by all the NYC bridge tolls on the bill, as early as January of last year. Let's just say that area has nothing to do with anything I was aware of so far. It's a totally new wrinkle. He stayed overnight somewhere there multiple times as well as overnights throughout the year in OW's town. That may not have been OW yet, but clearly overnights to go to dance raves and couch-surfing, at the very least. Maybe a lot more.

yuckiest of all was the travel path on the week he disappeared. That week he told me had to go back to work in the other state just one day after arriving home with me because a 'coworker had a sick kid.' Instead, he drove to NY city and then went to OW's city. The day he decided not to come home to me, he started out in OWs town, drove almost all the way back to me before he officially walked away. He was definitely already seeing OW at this point. So, the day before our 20th wedding anniversary, he woke up in OW's town, and maybe even her appartment. Super Yuck.

I'm just thinking about how much I blamed myself in those first 6 days he went missing! I was beating myself up, trying to figure out what I did, what did I say, what did I miss, how had I so hurt him??? In reality, he was already a cheater who'd been lying to me for over a year.

I've been grieving the loss of this man?

I'm not fixated on this, and I'm more disgusted than upset, but it's amazing to see it went back so far. I'm sure I would have seen a lot more oddness if I could access the records from 2014, but they're gone. No way to be sure when the affair began, but the deceit and the singles lifestyle (where he told his 'friends' he was already either D'ed or S'ed) started long ago.

Why didn't I ever look at these statements in the past? It was all there, like he just wanted to be found out. I. trusted him, never even thought to look, and he just got more brazen about all the lies until he walked. I'm feeling really naive and gullible, and also like I missed my only chance to disrupt the behavior before it became a full blown affair. Crappy.

This is exactly what the local Beyond Affairs Network coordinator said about the trickle-truth types of WSs. He said that over time I would start to see puzzle pieces shifting into place as I learned moreI information. I guess he was right.

All this because I wanted to show H was really living in my state last year. Instead, I never got past the data showing H was living a lie. On the other hand, the data shows he spent even less time in the work state where he is claiming residency than I thought, so maybe it's not all for naught. I'll still have to figure out that aspect of it all.

Beyond that, and how strangely NOT upset this has made me (I feel no tears whatsoever. is this detachment, or disbelief?), the day was mostly good. I went ice skating and I didn't even fall! Wahoo! I spent time with my parents and talked to an out of state friend at length.

I'm kind of dreading the L appointment tomorrow, and today I'm leaning toward just skipping the jurisdiction squabble and just going to his state and getting the best settlement I can. I just need more information to make an informed decision.

I am, however looking forward to seeing my therapist again tomorrow.

Time for bed. I'm not sure how tired I am, but we shall see.

[Ggrass]

The best advice I had was treat it as business only.

I had a flurry of L stuff today, xh2 has a history of dumping stuff at my place unannouced so we had to re demand arrangement from any human to arrange delivery. As xh2 has refused he won't text or phone me. Guess the ow has his man jewels in her handbag and he's not allowed them!

Guess she knows un classey he is, but do what works.

I don't want him at my home tick I asked the lawyer to demand he deliver in person. He refused.

I don't want him to phone in person, just cannot bothered with listening to another word salad of how I deserved this so I demanded he either text or phone tick he refused


I demanded he deliver stuff this week, which would have been a pia, and suprise he refused and said next week. Tick.

Work out how to drive things in the direction your heading even if you r, selttlement is about you standing up and securing your share. It's not an obstacle, like my xh2 says.

It he truely wanted to nothing would stop him.

[Ggrass]

At this point I needed to move stuff forwards and I've have found a way by asking for things knowing he will refuse just the be difficult. So work out the best way to proceed.

And don't take it too personal..

[Vanilla]

IT might be worth asking a friend to create anew Excel spreadsheet for you. Your location WH location.

In columns with a note column.

I did that for WH and I.

A key to activities too T=NY TOLL, N= Nasty with OW

H=Home

Yes the old fashioned gaslight and trickle truth combo.

So your WH was cheating, that's what cheaters do. And they blame us for it.

They want their cake, to eat it, and have another one baking.

My WH was on dating websites sites too, all through our R.

That's snake like squirmery.

Phoebe, you are worth so much more than this. Until WH shows he is working on his behaviour, then year 21 is the year of Phoebe.

Wanting out of an M is one thing, wanting to cheat is quite another.

V

[Vanilla]

By the way the toll stuff is a spell break issue.

Now you know you can never unknow.

It hurts and it's Intel.

V

[Phoebe]

Holy cow. I went to an ethnic festival this evening with a MeetUp and got sucked into an entire evening, including being dragged to a bar, and then to salsa dancing. Both were utterly uncomfortable. Let me count the ways: I don't drink, I am too inhibited to dance and the more people push the more inclined I am to stonewall, and I definitely don't like loud noise or places I can't talk to people easily - live music 10 feet away from the speakers = deafening. The salsa dance floor was also super loud.

Plus, I just got home and it's 3 am! Good grief. Given that I will certainly wake at dawn again, I going to go out on a limb here and predict that my sleep deficit will be getting worse.

And here's the biggie about why I was uncomfortable: one woman decided that I neede to kiss someone tonight, and I told her it was absolutely not going to happen, but she kept after me ALL night. It was charming(yet another person trying to fix me) and also a PITA.

Actually, today I was genuinely feeling better than I have all week. I am officially lawyeed up and ready to fight for myself with their help. I say their help because there are three of them. Let the financial bleeding begin. I am not going to share any specifics in case WH stumbled across this, but suffice it to say that I am not planning on being any kind of doormat in this process.

The toll information kind of did it for me. I'm looking at it as my wonderful H is gone forever, replaced by a person I would never want, nor accept in my life. I'm not going to take any bullsh1t from this person. I've had quite enough crap shoveled my way over the last few years and it's time for that to stop.

Time to get a few zzzzzzzs. Maybe I'll be able to sleep past dawn??? I hope so, or it's going to be a very short sleep.

[JksD]

Atta girl! I love the spirit in you. Good to see you stepping out of your comfort zone. You're making me rethink my inhibitions about pole dancing.

Lol about your wing woman.

Hope you'll be able to sleep beyond dawn.

[J5K]

Phoebe,

Please tell me you had fun! I am sure it was uncomfortable but I am glad you stayed and enjoyed yourself a bit!

[Vanilla]

Phoebe

Sweetheart why?

It's out of your comfort zone, perhaps a little too far.

Don't let it put you off, ok.

Find some meet ups you like, walking, reading group, cookery......


Start there, go and keep going.

Dancing and music are great for the soul.

I dance, all kinds of dancing, salsa is tough even for V. Ceroc, modern jive is frienday. Good structured evenings are beginners class 45 mins, free style 30 mins then refresh of beginners class for 45 mins with experienced dancers then more free style.

No alcohol, generally just water or tea.

Thats a easier way, every one is a beginner once upon a time. It's friendly, all ages and you won't need a partner.

I recommend gentle intro, rather than big bang.

Be kind to yourself and be brave too.

V