D7 is on the phone away from WAW and crying her poor little heart out. It kills me that she is so much pain. Cruel to say the least. My poor little sweet girl. Its killing me. She asking her why she had to move over and over. She tells her she wants us all together. "why can't you just come home?" I can only really say that WAW has soulsucked me and now breaking a little girls heart. So selfish, d7doesnot deserve this. This will result in anger.man oh man
P- hang in there. I feel like you are going thru what I am about to in a few weeks and I feel your angst and pain. I have cried alot over the past few months like you are on trips with her when she asks "why aren't we doing things as a family anymore?"....she doesn't know yet.
I know it's not fair and the WAW is probably stone cold in mind, heart and attitude towards the situation where she is #2 and the child is not the priority. I have witnessed it personally and it breaks my heart that selfishness rules.
I have asked my counselor a million times about the impact of divorce on kids and read a million articles. Hearing the word resilient makes me sick as there isn't a healthy way to divorce with kids. What I do know is that if the 2 parents can eventually co parent , love, and cherish the children that they can end up fine. Is it better to be married and raise a child in a happy home? Yes. But unfortunately most of us on the board are not in the happy home anymore so we just have to figure this out and make the best of it.
It's the worst part of the nightmare. But hopefully you can stay strong in front of her (easier said than done my friend..I know!)
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
have had very little communication with WAW since move out. One call today since d7 had a tough time this morning. I must say it seems to surreal. d7 was sad/melancholy tonight when looking at a picture on the counter that said "family". We talked about it and I told her some things change and that things don't always go like we think they will. She was upset that her family is no longer together. I didn't know what to say other than I love her and this was not her fault. I feel so bad for her and all the children who have to endure such devastation. I asked WAW why she thought it was best for d7 to D. She didn't have an answer. Because its not, it's selfish and self-centered around WAW.
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
I asked WAW why she thought it was best for d7 to D. She didn't have an answer.
I know the impact on the kids is the most challenging for us LBS to handle. I do want to encourage that you refrain from asking WAW things like this. It is a fruitless question and a cheesless tunnel.
I have approached it as I would like to think that I would approach any other tragic situation that happens to people. By doing the best I can with what I have. I know that the statistics show the impact on children are negative, but I also know many well adjusted folks that grew up in a family where the parents divorced. So I focus in them and how they turned out.
I am not trying to minimize the pain that you feel poschan, I am just trying to offer the best option available for us. We need to stand up, be strong for our children, don't worry about the WAS, and be the best fathers we can be under the circumstances.
Read up on the Stockade paradox. This was recommended to me earl on in my sitch and has really been a point of balance for me. Let me know your thoughts once you read up on it and share how it may apply for your situation.
Our kids are our most precious things in life. We can still give them all we have, even if someone else chooses to chase what they think will make them happy.
Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs for those little ones.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
d7 was sad/melancholy tonight when looking at a picture on the counter that said "family". We talked about it and I told her some things change and that things don't always go like we think they will. She was upset that her family is no longer together. I didn't know what to say other than I love her and this was not her fault. I feel so bad for her and all the children who have to endure such devastation. I asked WAW why she thought it was best for d7 to D. She didn't have an answer. Because its not, it's selfish and self-centered around WAW.
Ugh...that is so hard. We have a writing on the wall that my D7 wrote that says "I love my family". Pulls at my heart every day and feel your pain
WAW won't have an answer because she thinks its Ok and is selfish. My STBX says she was from a divorce family and turned out fine...NOT. It is a total act of selfishness but we know that at this point.
Good advice from SH. No use in asking her about it....
I will be taking the approach that we will always be a family and tied together as your mom and dad who love you more than anything and again...like you said...this has nothing to do with "you". But I know it pains the child to not see the family hugs, trips, dinners and doing things together like other families. Not sure if its easier on the older kids or younger but to me it feels more damaging to the younger kids like ours....
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Why is it so easy for these WAWs/WAHs to walk away and destroy a family? Lack of character, lack of morals, lack of feeling... I just don't get how someone can walk away from a family with young children and think that is in their best interests.
My children were grown with their own families when I was a WW. I would say, based on my experience, it's at least a temporary lacking in those things you listed. Maybe for some, it returns......I just don't know if that's true in every case.
It all came to hit home with me, a short time later when my DIL told my son that she needed some space. He thought he'd be gone for the weekend and then go home. However, she had been in an PA and was moving her AP into the home.
I saw the terrible pain and shock that my son and his children went through b/c of her selfishness. My own guilt for my WW time, came back to haunt me. It was as bad as a death. It hurt all of us so much. I don't know if her character and morals will ever resume, but I'm pretty sure her feelings for my son won't. She has long moved on with OM, and she continues to put her desires above anyone else.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Read up on the Stockade paradox. This was recommended to me earl on in my sitch and has really been a point of balance for me. Let me know your thoughts once you read up on it and share how it may apply for your situation.
Silly spell check this should read Stockdale paradox.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Thank you all for providing caring feedback. d7 was with WAW last night and will be tonight. I was ok last night tried to keep busy as much as possible to wear myself out. I don't know for sure yet but I tend to agree that it is harder on the younger child. I've already seen the devastation to d7 and her immense hurt and sorrow. It tears at my heart and builds anger towards WAW. I realize that d7 will probably change as well and not be able to keep being a kid like she was before WAW walked away. I guess what I mean is that I wanted to protect her from these types of world changers while she is in the tender years but WAW decided that kids are resilient and she'll be fine... WAW father left her when she was young and was raised by a stepdad who is a good guy but probably let her get away with a lot (as well as her mom). Seems the cycle is repeating for WAW, intentionally or unintentionally. Thank you again everyone for chiming in, it really does help in this terrible situation. the similarities to other sitches is truly saddening but helps to realize I am not alone and neither are any of you.
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
had a great afternoon yesterday with d7 after being with WAW for 2 nights. we had an early dinner out and then a movie. took her shopping for some things she needed at my house. Today WAW wanted to talk about a temporary parenting plan. She was very abrasive and antagonistic. I slipped a bit by telling WAW that I care for her and keeping the family together. She snapped back saying what a great way to show it...huh? she is the one who has walked away and lacks commitment. She tells me I'm making her out to be the bad person with d7 because I told her that d7 does not want to be away from us for a 7/7 plan. I have suggested the plan by SH but WAW says it won't work for her. However, we are going to at least try it for a few weeks this summer. I guess the WAW says the things she does in order to try and justify her actions. Seems like she is saying I made her walk away. I admitted to my faults in the R and told WAW I am working on myself to be a better person and dad. I hate this for d7. This is taking some of her innocence and being a kid away. Trying to buyout WAW to maintain some stability for d7.Not deducting any realtor or other fees that would be associated with a sale and WAW still says she's being screwed. Seems like she is getting more and more irrational. WAW says I should start paying child support but D hasn't even been filed. I told her to just let me know what d7 needs and I'll buy it. sorry for the rambling... I wish I had more strength but I know it will take time.
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
