Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo

[betterm]

Phoebe... I'm catching up on your story, as I'm trying to involve and learn more about other people on this site as well. I feel for you and your pain, I'm truly sorry for what you are going through.

I know what its like to "break down" here and there, as I tend to keep a very, very busy schedule. However, once in a while, i could be home cooking, walking the dogs, or something kind of menial, and all the sudden it hits me... I'm alone, my WW is doing who knows what, surely something fun (but probably not), and I break down and cry. This happens a lot when I'm doing my journaling and/or homework too. It's just part of the process I guess. We need to grieve, we need to feel what's happening to us, and we need to take that and turn it into something positive.

Hang in there, Phoebe. I'll be thinking of you.

---
ps, what's this chocolate f-this meditation thing?
I meditate twice daily at minimum (morning/night) for 15 minutes a piece.. working my way up to 20. I'm very interested in this "F-this chocolate meditation" haha.

[betterm]

I meditate twice daily at minimum (morning/night) for 15 minutes a piece.. working my way up to 20. I'm very interested in this "F-this chocolate meditation" haha.

On the net there are gratitude meditation in you tube. Some are better than others but that could be used until SH comes up with something

Oh, and if you're curious, I use an app called "Insight Timer", I paid for the PRO version (its like 5-10 bucks), and it's the best! Tons of 10 minute guided meditations (gratitude, sleep, silence, mindfulness, stress, self-care, etc...)

I would definitely recommend it, and I've never found anyone who wasn't happy with paying for the PRO version to get the extra special guides.

[Phoebe]

Hi betterm. Thanks for catching up with me and for the support. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry that you are here, too. This isn't something I would ever wish on anyone.

The meditations you asked about are actually a running joke combination of two meditations. One is a chocolate meditation (it's probably somewhere earlier on my thread where SH explained it, or it's online - I can't remember where I rad the actual process after SH suggested it - could be on his thread, too) - it involves eating chocolate, so you know it's worth a try, and if the meditation doesn't suit you, just eat more chocolate!

The other you need to search for on YouTube - look up "F*ck That: an Honest Meditation" by a guy named Jason Headley. It's purely for fun, but It's made me laugh when few things could, so go find it. Heads up that it is definitely full of language that kids shouldn't hear!

I've been delving into legal stuff today, and it isn't a whole lot of fun. Mostly just gathering documents that I will need for the process. Still wish it would all just go away. I have no stomach for conflict.

I also got my ice skates adjusted, should be either having tea or going for a walk pretty soon, depending on the weather, and then I'm off to my bird group meeting. I also take dot me new L friend for a bit today, so beyond paperwork, I'm working on myself, too.

As a complete aside, I had a dream about an old lover (from over 25 years ago!) yesterday, instead of H, for once, so maybe that's a bit of progress? Dreams of H make me feel so lonely when I awaken. It was nice to have a pleasant dream about someone else for once.

[Phoebe]

Ithe Audubon meeting was wonderful! There was a really enthusiastic speaker who loved his subject and his photographs were incredible. Right before my meeting a friend came over for tea and conversation (when she came by yesterday I was crying, so she came back to make sure I'm OK today).

And now, after the meeting, I'm meeting my new L friend to get a bite of food. It's hard for me to eat again, so making food a social thing helps a lot. As it is, all I've eaten today is some scrambled eggs and a piece of toast, and that wasn't until after 2 o'clock. I just am not hungry, so I get busy doing my various tasks, and suddenly I realize half the day is gone.

Off to Subway for food!

[SH_]

My daily check in on my friend.

Sounds like a good day for you.

Busy day for me, so I am off to bed.

Hugs smiles positive thoughts chocolate birds hikes new friends and all thing joyful and peaceful.

((((((((Phoebe))))))))

[Phoebe]

Fat fingers/goofy auto-correct central around here for me today. Sorry about the gibberish a couple posts ago. I kind of wish that the browser would just leave my typos alone. Sometimes they would probably make more sense than the "fixed" versions.

So, we got some food and then L friend and I walked around the downtown area for maybe 90 minutes. It was fine, but the last time I walked down that same area was with H, and the last two times I actually was with H we walked around the downtowns of two other cities. There's also the minor detail that H has rejected our life together in favor of his city life, replete with OW and raves and all the other superficial garbage he now claims to value. I'm kind of over cities at this point.

Walking around yet another city at night just made me think of all the city walking I've gone with H over our many years and I just don't want to think about him any more. It seems that I can't do anything or go anywhere without it tapping into the bottomless well of memoirs from my previous life.

I wish I could skip all of this new friend-making awkwardness. Mostly, I would like to make some friends without any potential for romantic overtones. So far, I've gotten at 1 out of 3 of the people I've been spending time with who qualify on that front. I want the company and I am glad to have people to share time and activities with, but that's all I want. The skating/music friend is cool on this, I think, but the L friend, perhaps doesn't quite get it yet, and that's where the awkwardness comes in.

Well, I'm happy to say that I'm falling asleep as I type, so I'm off to bed, undrugged. Goodnight to all!!!

[Painter]

Hope you have a good night's sleep!

There's so many triggers. I had an unexpected one today, with a slide of some old marriage records.

[SH_]

Well, I'm happy to say that I'm falling asleep as I type, so I'm off to bed, undrugged. Goodnight to all!!!

YAY!!! Un drugged sleep! This is progress.

[Phoebe]

Yes, that's good, but sleep is still a problem.

I have been able to fall asleep without meds for a couple days now, but I'm also back to waking up at 6 am for the last 10 days, or so, regardless of when I go to bed. Given that I can't get to sleep until 1 or 2, I am getting pretty sleep deprived. I never nap, so for me to fall asleep in a parking lot on Tuesday speaks volumes.

Off to start my day. I'm tired.

[J5K]

Phoebe

I can relate. I fall asleep at 10 pm and wake up in the middle of the night anywhere from 1 to 3 am and need to be up at 530 am to start the day. Hang in there.