Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo

[Painter]

I'm glad you got to soak up some family and family friends love today!

Hope you get some good sleep. I should get in there soon, too. Only cried for about 10 minutes tonight. Went for an evening walk with the dog and my son to break the mood, and it helped.

Darkness and night is difficult.

[SH_]

Drive by hug for my dear Phoebe.

(((Phoebe)))

Time with family is always a comfort and a source of peace. I am glad you have the at this time.


Sleep well, and peaceful dreams.

[Phoebe]

Quick update. I had another really good day with my brother and parents today.

I'm feeling some anger because I just peeked at OWs photo feed again (I know I shouldn't, but i did it anyway). There I saw that she and H were out camping in OUR beautiful vintage camper van 5 days ago. He filed for D and goes camping in the vehicle that I have poured so much effort into. I sewed the curtains, I've cleaned up mouse nests and damage so many times, including just a few days before H walked.

I also had to tell my story (the super condensed) version again today. I get all kinds of support, but it's still no fun to relay. That book I read is right, as soon as anyone hears the story, they immediately start being supportive. Today the person said 'he wasn't even man enough to tell you himself.' Nope. He wasn't. He was out camping.

I named that camper, and there she is using that pet car name as a hatch tag. So slimy.

What is also crappy is that the vehicle has a collector car declared value insurance policy that requires it to be kept in a locked garage anytime it is stored. Camping is OK, but I know now that he has to be parking it on the street near his apartment. It is marital property and he's taken it out of state and violated the insurance policy. Not cool and remarkably irresponsible.

Anyway, I'm fine, just frustrated. After I retain my lawyer, I need to address this issue with her PDQ.

Still have to catch up with everyone on the board.

Hi to SH, Cherry, Painter, Sotto, Dory/Grl, V, rich, Ggrass, Blu, and everyone else I'm too fried to put on this list. Sweet sleep and wishes for a peaceful Sunday.

[SH_]

It's good to see some anger.

Stay away form OW photo feeds. You know better and no good comes of it.

Truly he is a slimy fool. The day the fog clears will be a rude awakening for him.

You are sounding stronger and so glad the time with family has been peaceful and enjoyable.

Sleep well.

[Painter]

Report it stolen?

J/k. Definitely not DB'ing.

I hope your L can put a lockdown on marital property and funds asap.

I'm glad you're surrounded by family and friends, even if it means telling your story. I find that sometimes it helps me tap into the anger rather than the sadness, which is energizing.

Enjoy your time with them. We'll be here.

[Sotto]

Euch......OW photo feed?? You don't need to see those my friend - stuff like that is focusing on them and is never going to help you. Next time you get that urge, try to divert yourself. I think it's like giving up smoking - tough, but it can be done.

I understand that horrible feeling about OW reaping the harvest of seeds you have sewn. Horrible. I remember being so aggrieved about her becoming part of H's family life, when I believed I had earned that place...and would just be supplanted. Actually I don't even know if OW has met H's family - but I imagine they may not be thrilled about her and the situation in general (they don't keep in touch with me.)

I agree with others about due legal process. Time to take sensible steps to look after marital assets and come to some fair arrangements with support from your L.

You're doing really well (apart from the photo feed.... ) xx

[BluWave]

(((Phoebe)))

That sounds brutal. My heart aches for you. It's hard not to look & see what they are up to. Even though you know it's going to hurt, there is also this part of you that needs to verify and wants the reality check. I think it makes us think we will let go if we can only see that it is real. It's so hard to accept this man we loved so much could do that. I fell into my own trap several times.

There was one night where I just knew he was at her place. So I took a slightly inconvenient route home and drove by. Yup, there was my car parked out front, and it was the car I usually drove. Even though the kids were not with him, one of the carseats was still in the car, because it usually stayed in place. Just seeing MY baby's carseat, in MY car, parked near her place, well it was the biggest punch in the gut. I fell so hard.

I did several things like this to try and force reality on myself. I don't know exactly why, but perhaps I was looking to be angry, and maybe if I got angry enough, I could let him go and move forward. .... The problem was, it never worked out that way. It just hurt. And hurt. Every time. I think I may have been in as much a fog as he was.

So if you feel the urge to look and verify, that's ok and normal. But it's going to hurt. A lot. I think you deserve less hurt right now. That's all. I am so sorry you are going through this. Not even sure what else to say :-(

-Blu

[Phoebe]

Thank you Sotto, SH, and Painter. It means so much to me that you are looking in on me.

I feel like I'm kind of going back into the denial phase again. I want to just go curl up somewhere and hope it all just goes away. I know it will not, and I behave accordingly, but I'm always aware of an urge to run and hide.

I know I'm supposed to not look at social media, but on the other hand, until the legal process gets going, it is a way for me to watch to see if he's blowing money on stupid stuff. And it let me know that our vintage camper is sitting out on the street, basically uninsured against theft or anything else.

It doesn't help that FaceBook keeps suggesting OW as someone I might know. Ugh. No thank you!

So i have spent a lot of great time with my family over the last 3 days and it has been wonderful. I got to see extended family for the interment service and I had lots of time to spend with my brother whom I only see every few years (he lives quite far away). Plus, I had extra time with my parents, doing things we don't usually do together. Brother and I went to antique shops, we all went out to dinner together, we had a cookout a different day, and we even went out to a movie. I really enjoyed having all 4 of us together again for a while.

It helped me today, especially, after seeing my camper being shared with the OW. This is going to sound stupid, but it almost makes me feel worse than the extramarital sex issue. Sharing his body is one thing, but sharing our LIFE? Our camper, our house, taking her back to our college campus, going hiking. WTF?

If our life together was so awful that he had to run away from it, then why did he go find someone who likes so many things that I like and why is he walking her through the life we had together? Going to our old haunts? Can someone help me understand this? It's like he's trying to write her in over top of the real history.

Today was kind of a bummerific day before our family night out. I was starting to get pretty down and have been looking forward to seeing my therapist all weekend. We went to see the movie Nice Guys (with Russel Crowe and Ryan Gosling), which was really much better and funnier than I expected. It's a LBS safe movie, too, so I recommend it. Not for kids, of course, but if you can handle language and some violence it's worth a watch. Everyone in the theater was laughing.

I'm feeling under the gun about this legal nightmare looming ahead of me. My L friend tells me to sit tight, that I have al the time in the world for a response due in early July.

So, while I'm trying to sit tight, I'll be calling the local divorce L tomorrow to get his advice and probably set up an appointment to see him for an hour to try to get a realistic assessment about the jurisdiction issue. I still haven't been served officially. Apparently the local servers are incompetent. I mean 9 days and still nothing?

So, maybe it was missed in the new thread shuffle, but the new L friend invited me for a weekend trip already. After knowing him for a week!?!? I declined, of course. I need a friend, but that's got to be all. Never mind that he's not my type at all (I'm really not attracted to anyone right now), and he's his own kind of mess, but I am in no condition to be dealing with any romantic entanglements, nor will I be for some time. What's the deal? Why am I running across this so early in my friendship-seeking? Is there something appealing about the heartbroken? Any thoughts?

Tomorrow I am meeting a woman from a previous MeetUp for a hike. My plans to go with her last week got goofed up, but tomorrow we're going to my favorite state park. Instead of post-therapy-hiking, I'm doing it ahead of time! Therapist is afterward, and then I have to take my car to the dealer to do the work I missed because of Thursday's wonderful news about WH v. Phoebe being officially filed.

When will the barrage of new and painful information jabs taper off?

I feel more resilient than I was, but it still makes me sad to think about the altered trajectory of my life. I just try to keep taking it one day at a time.

[Phoebe]

I was typing away while you posted, Blu.

I think you are right. I looked because I wanted to see that it was real, that he was still with her, and I think I did want to be angry. I have felt so much pain, yet so little anger, that maybe I just wanted to tip the scales toward anger for a while.

You're also right, though. It really just hurt.

I want all of this to be over with. I want to go on with my life and discover that there is more to me than just what I had with him, because that is dead now and I need to go on living.

Last night I lay awake until 5 am, even with Benadryl and melatonin on board. I finally took Xanax out of frustration and managed to sleep until 9. I am so tired of being tired.

[Painter]

I'm sorry your sleep got messed up again, Phoebe. It makes such a difference. Can you take your Xanax on schedule when you go to bed and just make sure you get sleep? The lack of sleep makes it harder for you to think straight and makes you more emotional during the day, so it becomes a vicious cycle. Please just take the Xanax when you go to bed tonight so you can get a night's sleep. I do that regardless these night, because otherwise I just get 4 hours interrupted by obsessive thoughts that I wake up with, and I'm a snappy and unfocused wreck during the day. You need your wits with you right now.

Think like a doctor - you take medication on a set time to prevent symptoms from recurring, not wait until the symptoms come back before you take the meds...

There are infidelity specialists who believe that knowing is important for healing - that if we don't know what happened, we'll stay disoriented and confused, unable to make sense, to the degree that some develop PTSD. Try googling 'trauma and infidelity' and check out the first article. I can't post the link here, but it was very validating reading. Made me feel a lot less crazy.