Honestly, it was the suckiest birthday I have had in a long time, I'm not going to lie. The loneliness crushed me and tears were pouring out of my eyes a lot. I took the day off, went to the gym and had lunch with my friend (which was nice). Had dinner with my cousin and her family and D8, of course. D8 was sad she didn't have any gifts for me, my dad usually takes her but he is away, and that was another sucky part, I missed my dad and stepmother. Ex never took the time in the whole time he had her to pick out a card or a gift. However, the next day I dropped her off, it was kind of awkward. He went out and got a card and signed it from her. And a giftcard. D8 watched me open it and it was her first time seeing it with me. Weird, but appreciated.
Some know, and some don't, but exNG is the friend of a Db'er. He is pretty sure exNG is going through a MLC. He said it's hard to watch. It's sad for me to. I thought maybe he would wish me a happy birthday. Didn't happen. Shouldn't have had an expectation, but I think it solidified how self absorbed he is. More details, but none of them matter.
Another male from my past resurfaced after almost a year to wish me a happy bday. We caught up a bit and I was happy to hear he was seeing someone. he is really a great guy, probably the only one who has ever been honest with me, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. But.........
I'm done. I think I am just done. Almost every single R of mine has ended pretty much the same. I'm good enough up until a point, they claim they aren't in a place for an R, then 5 minutes later they are in one. Literally, 5 minutes later, or weeks before and I didn't even know it. I am the in-between girl. My marriage was even a stepping stone to the real deal for ex. ANd when we dated, he did the same thing. Wouldn't commit, yet slept at my house every night and spent all his time with me, claimed he didn't want a GF, and found a different one while we seeing eachother which he considered his GF. I DB'd him back then and didn't even know it. It's one thing if I chose unavailable men, and they actually don't want an R and work on themselves or whatever, but that's not the case.
I am the common demoninator in all of this. I have done work upon work, and I just can't figure out what I am doing wrong. I have no clue. I think I am finally pretty decent and worth the real deal. But for some reason, everyone of my R's end the same.
Onine guy seems to have ghosted me, too and he really seemed decent.
So, I am done. I honestly cannot have the same thing happen to me again. It will break me. ExNG came very close to breaking me, if I am honest.
But V- if I wanted to keep pursuing and trying, you are completely right. I had actually looked into some clubs/meetups/volunteer activites, hopeing ot do something fun with the chance of meeting someone. But with kid schedules, work and school, whenever I found something I just couldn't for some reason. Maybe whe D is older, and I am strong enough to try again, that's the route I'll go.
But for now, I am just going to have to get back to getting used to have the romantic partnership are of my life being a lonely one. I was used to it before, I'll be used to it again.
Happy birthday G. Sorry that you have to go through more crap.
I agree with what you've written here. You are a common denominator, it's good to be accountable. At the same time it could just be some bad apples. It's hard to know if you're not screening the apples right, if you're attracting the wrong apples or looking in the wrong place, or if you've just been a little unlucky which is possible with a relatively small sample size. (Or the Z theory which is that 95% of apples are bad...jk...but not really...? )
But the most important thing is to not allow yourself to get hurt if you can't handle it. Don't be money you can't afford to lose.
You've got a lot to be appreciative for and once the cloud over you stops raining you'll have some peace and contentment again. And there is no doubt you'll make a full recovery and be better prepared both for hopeful success and possible set backs in the future. Hang in and don't forget to make a birthday wish!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You likely know very little about me , but I will give you the short story rather than the navel gazing, therapy, self help book ladened version.
I am 44. Didn't start dating till I was 29, lost my virginity to a guy I thought may have turn out to be the one, why because he liked me and wanted to sleep with me. lol oh how sad I was.
I dated through my early 30's, meeting men, who only ever wanted an "in between" the rugby, or TV or work or the sheets (if you know what I mean). I believed everyone of them was going to the one. They never were.
Then when I was 35 I met THE ONE- known on the board as Mr M. He was everything I thought he would be - and everything I didn't need in a man (my therapist argues that he was the Mr Right, I needed to start a personal journey in self worth - which in some regards I don't necessarily disagree with). So the relationship we did, well as close to a relationship Mr M could do with a girl like me. Turns Mr Unavailable or Mr Non-committment should have been a more appropriate name for him. So after two years on and off and then me going overseas and coming back and is trying "again". It did finally died a death in August 2012 with him moving out of town for work. Apparently my need to know if he would be seeing other people in his new town, was me being too needy while he was trying to settle and "make friends". We remain in touch from a distance, he refuses to tell his new partner that he talks to me. I find that extremely uncomfortable and dishonest on his behalf.
I attempted to date after Mr M, but heart was not in it and all my insecurities about why I was also an "in between girl" were branded over my forehead. I don't know what happened but I think I got a life and immersed myself in myself and then rather surprisingly Mr Ex turned up , with great smile and gorgeous hazel eyes and ability to communicate about anything (or so I thought). Turns Mr Ex is one of those people, where nothing gets them down and you get over everything in two minutes, because you know - when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Well turns out I like to suck on the sour juice of the lemons for a while, just to know how sour they are, so when I make my lemonade I know how much sugar to add. Lets just that my more sensitive, emotional world view did little more than frustrate his inability to access any negative emotion whatsoever. Also it turns when someone tells you that they don't need a marriage certificate to be committed and have your back, you might now want to believe them.
So what am I telling you, I have serial dated since I was 29 years old, had two relationships where I felt I had met the man of my dreams, I have never been engaged never been married (two things I would love to be) and I will never have children ( something I would also love). I took myself out of dating when my three year relationship with Mr Ex ended. I was so devastated about the fact that a three year relationship with me, ended in him meeting the love of his life only three months later.
I gave myself a year to figure my stuff out, well to actually haul my glorious fat arse out of a major mental health breakdown. But here I am, sure I joke about being Bridget Jones archetype spinster with dried up ovaries, either being eaten by alsatians or being a crazy cat lady (I'm allergic to cats and don't like them very much so likely they would have been imaginary),but I very much want to be with a kind and loving man, who wants to love me and spend his time with me. I'm not looking for all the bells and whistle's I wanted in the past, just a good committed man, who likes me enough to think, yeah I love the time I spend with her I feel good when I'm with her.
I've come to accept that I could spend the rest of my life on my own. Any man would be a bonus. I know you think like that too, because I read your posts Ginger. This is just the time to lick your wounds and have a bucket load of chocolate, regroup and see where your at.
Dating and being open to meeting a "someone" is exhausting it feels like I have done for a 1000 years and crapped out every time. But as you said to Zues there are no guarantee's. When you have you self worth and esteem back intact, you'll find you optimism about life and love again. It's strange, it's like gravity.
I always remind myself when I feel particularly low about myself and abilities as a partner, that I almost killed myself over the feelings of being rejected by Mr Ex, I can't imagine why I would ever let a man every again determine if my life is worth living.
When you're ready Ginger, for now just be YOU!! (Well always be you!)
Ahhhhh G, I feel your pain. This dating thing suucks! I've had a number of similar online experiences...you chat, they seem really interested, saying all the right things and then bang, they give me their phone number. Wow! Then disappear into cyberspace and you're left wondering "WTF?"It always amazes me the effect that has on you. It certainly grinds you down and when you combine it with other things you're still dealing with you want to just toss it all in and say forget it! I'm at a place where being alone is pretty good. I have my church (amazing place), my photography, work and family and friends. I sometimes wonder whether I have time to fit someone in any more...or do I want to make that time, is a better question. Sometimes I really do miss it though. For example, on Saturday night Church Lady and I went to Walmart together (after sunset). We shopped a little and lined up to pay but decided to try the self serve instead...as we worked through the check out process together she exclaimed "this is fun!"...and we were having fun. As I was walking to the car I had this nice warm feeling...this stupid 15 minute excursion at Walmart felt so nice...to be shopping with a lady again! How weird that it's often those little tiny things which pop up and that make you miss being with someone again. So my advice is to sit back for a bit and, yes do look at your patterns but if a relationship is what you need you will know it. If not, as others have said, it's cool to be alone and it's not like purgatory or something...it's just a different kind of adventure! Feel better, you're an amazing lady with so much to give someone...and deserve someone who recognizes that!
Hi Ginger. I haven't posted before but I had to post after reading yours and Jellybs reply
It doesn't matter if your overweight or underweight , tall short , plain , drop dead gorgeous or anything else. You are you. Quite possibly you are chosing the wrong guys or possibly you haven't come across Mr Right yet but there are plenty of Mr Rights out there.
IMHO if your in the mindset that you aren't going to find that special someone , it's a lot less likely to happen and maybe that vibe is attracting the wrong type of guys
Thank you all so much for the replies! I was reading them over on my phone last night when my power went out for 7 hours...... and as I slowly respond (I'm at work) I see many of you contributing and I appreciate it so much. so much good insight.
Zues, one huge thing I have learned over this journey is to be accountable and do the work. The problem some friends and my IC have noticed is that I am overly accountable sometimes. I take on other peoples shortcomings and make them my issues. I have been working with my IC for the past year to stay accountable after making somewhat of a demeaning relationship decision. And I must say, some people, like exNG like to admit to what's wrong, call themselves accountable, but I think when you do nothing about it, you aren't accountable. So I work my butt off to always work on me.
That being said, I have really been mulling over the common denominator thing. There are more common denominators than me. All men had recently gone through a D or a breakup of a long term R. There are many others, no need to go over them.
However, I give 110% in my R's. I do not expect a 110% back. But I cannot accept as little as 20%. And sadly enough, that's about all anyone has ever given me. I love hard, and maybe some guys can't handle that. Not overbearing hard, I'm not jealous, I have my own life, and support myself, but I will give you all my love and effort. I do not play hard to get. But I don't think it's a part of me I want to change. This is definitely something every R has had in common. And admittedly, one was a big mistake, one I was in a very lonely place and I bought some words and ignored the straight up mistreatment from one guy. But I write that off as a learning experience.
JellyB- thanks for sharing your experience with me. It is pretty much similar to the experience I have been having since 29 too, except that I was just divorced. Only one I thought might have been the one which was exNG, but in my heart, I knew with the place he was in and the lack of any real effort, that ruled him out. Being in different places emotionally, or showing emotions in different ways, as you mentioned, really does make or break an R sometimes. I don't think it makes one person right or wrong, but perhaps there are fundamental differences that really lead to a place an R breaksdown. Which is not reflective of your self worth. but self-worth is so important. I finally built it, but this time around, I can't help to have it hurt and feel like there is something wrong with me, but you were all helped me to look from outside of myself. I am worthy. I am more than the in between girl to the right person. But I really, really need me to put myself back in the place where I won't accept being the in between girl again and I won't ignore red flags. I also need to be in a place that god fobid this does happen again, it won't destroy me. I can't say I am there right now. If someone falls into my lap, I wouldn't ignore it. But I just can't look for it. I am getting frustrated and disappointed.
Perhaps the love I give is hard to receive. And I just haven't found anyone strong enough to receive it yet. I pretty much know that was the case for exNG.
Well, I hope there is some guy out there strong enough to receive it and give something in return.
I sure do miss me and exNG's trips to Whole foods to pick out a dinner for us to make together always with a stop in the chocolate aisle. We would cook dinner together, enjoy some wine and talk in front of the fire. It's the little things, and actually quite simple, but I was on cloud 9.
Cadet, Thank you:). online guy is busy, but there is a place of common courtesy, especially when we were supposed to be seeing eachother Wednesday. That's my free night, and he left it hanging in the air. I did message him yesterday "haven't heard from you in a few days, hope all is well". no response. So, I have cleared my schedule for Wednesday night. I can be a doormat, so I am trying ot balance patientce between being overly accommodating. I was way overly accommodating with exNG and it got me feeling used and unworthy of his efforts.
To touch on the things I am thankful for, I have great friends as always. I was supposed to be going away with 3 friends to FL in July, but I can't afford it. I backed out. They did an intervention on me Saturday night at a party saying they would all chip in and I could pay them back slowly, but they need me there. It wouldn't be the same without me, they love me and won't accept no for an answer. It meant a lot they care that much.
There is a roof over my head, a job to pay the bills, most of my health. I can wake up every morning and know I have my integrity. Of course my daughter who is the only good thing to come out of my marriage.
I never forget these things. I worked hard for most of them. My life from day 1 has not been a walk in the park, and I am where I am today by some really hard work and some major stumbles along the way
Hey G, in regards to your latest contact, I've learned that people online show you who they are real fast and the trick is to believe them and move on. Someone shows me a lack of courtesy or disrespect now I broom them. I used to give them the benefit of the doubt and each time regretted it. When my gut speaks now I listen. So if you're feeling disrespected then move on.
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