I understand what you're saying, and I agree. My biggest fear is being too tolerant of an affair. If you know what I mean; it's hard for me to put into words. I'm willing to forgive and move on with my marriage, but there's a certain level of tolerance of an affair that's not acceptable to me.
For example, the guy who's wife told him she was going to spend the weekend with the OM. Regardless of whether or not she's being honest, I think that sort of overt affair behavior is more than I could tolerate.
Doodler, I absolutely understand that and actually XH and I separated as soon as he admitted his affair. I knew from the very bottom of my being that I couldn't live with him whilst this was ongoing.
That said, I also knew that most A's don't develop into successful R's and I remained open to considering a possible R.
For me now, the door is pretty much closed and it would take a significant shift for me to even consider a possible R - however that's almost two years on and already D'd.
I wouldn't want you to think I can overlook infidelity - for sure that's not the case...
However, if I could have saved my M, I would have dug deep to try.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I've gotten the idea that some people are willing to tolerate a lot of bad behavior by the WS and, in my opinion, that opens the door for a follow-on affair by the WS because there's no punitive element to having another affair.
Thx sotto, doodler, ginger, darknes, dream, coconut, especially sandi, and everyone else that has contributed to my experience here, I will cherish the bonds that I have built with you.
I will not work on a sham of a M, one where I will condone and explicitly allow my WW to carry out her affairs. She does not care about me, she does not love me. I will see through the filing of my D. I will not use the filing of the D to fix myself. Those are 2 separate journeys.
I choose put my faith in God and with him by my side I can achieve anything!
I will visit often to catch up on your journeys and pray for you to be strong when you need it most. I don't want to come across as preaching, never my intention...
"What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."
Here is some good commentary on what this means;
Matthew Henry Commentary 10:1-12 Wherever Jesus was, the people flocked after him in crowds, and he taught them. Preaching was Christ's constant practice. He here shows that the reason why Moses' law allowed divorce, was such that they ought not to use the permission; it was only for the hardness of their hearts. God himself joined man and wife together; he has fitted them to be comforts and helps for each other. The bond which God has tied, is not to be lightly untied. Let those who are for putting away their wives consider what would become of themselves, if God should deal with them in like manner.
Goodbye.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
hey DDJ, my absence has nothing to do with your decision to pursue your divorce. At times, I was too confused with all of your changing thoughts, I had no idea how to reply to your posts. Recently, I've simply been busy with things happening in my life. I didn't get a chance to check this site at all this week until today! However, it looks like you received some fantastic advice from others anyway.
I hope you seek IC and get to the root of your thoughts/feelings about how you view women. You won't be able to have a fulfilling relationship until you're able to connect with others on a deeper level.
In response to your final quote: You are the one that is separating what God has joined together. You are the one that has untied your marriage.
From what I've seen, you have not tried to save your marriage. I don't think that attempt can come from you until you've fixed the things within yourself. There is so much work to be done. I'm sad to see you leaving the site as you could improve so much more, but unfortunately, we can't force people to do things.
Hmmm im going to stand in DDj corner here on the D. From what i've read he doesnt want his W or M anymore. I could be wrong, there could be more to the story but only DDJ can answer that.
Does he need to rush it, probably not. I was under the impression that these thing take awhile to finalise. In my country you are actually forced to go to mandatory counselling when you file for a D.
Sandhi put it real, does he want to save the M or not? forget growth or change or whatever. Its does he want to save the M or not?
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
I didn't want to divorce; my wife initiated. I tried hard at first to get through to her, and didn't DB well, but did enough for her to reconsider.
She eventually went with her feelings, and those who told her to chase her feelings. I was unwilling to live in an open marriage, and during the reconciliation period, in which my wife was doing NO work, and heavily into the OM, I re-started the divorce.
We're done with the D. My ex is the same as she was before - angry at me. I can't change that. I can't change her. Some days, I still want to put the anger I feel into a verbal discussion with her, and many times her verbal exchanges with me are just a way for her to start that verbal diarrhea.
I still believe in BD; I read MWD's Divorce Remedy. It was the best advice I got out of many.
In the end, DDJ will realize he needs to stop tugging on the marriage rope, and start pulling on the self-healing rope, which leads to a focus on what led him to be who he is, what he wants to be, and where he's going. Once you furl some sails, and put a little distance between the ships, the course becomes clearer, and you're not looking over your shoulder at the old course and old ship.
It doesn't mean he doesn't want the ships to meet again; in fact, that's what I'd love to see happen, in his sitch as well as mine. However, the facts are my ex-WW's heart is far gone, and her journey to find herself made her choose some very poor choices; choices that hurt the family, and her kids. She can't see that yet, as her affair with the married man is not yet over.
I'm supportive of you, DDJ. Don't treat your moving forward on the divorce as a happy time - you quoted scripture, and I applaud you for it. Just remember, He permits divorce, but He still HATES divorce. David was a man after His own heart, but David still did some pretty stupid things. David, after a time, realized what he had done, and it's effects rippled through the rest of his life. He came to his senses; I hope my ex-WW does as well. As history has shown, most do. The trouble with history is that is has a time component, and I'm looking forward to a time where my needs are met by another person. God didn't create a soulmate for me - I'm sure there's another Mrs. Trumpet out there. I just need to make sure I'm one complete, hunk of a Trumpet, so that I can make sure this thing called Divorce never, ever happens to me again.
DDJ, do what you need to do. Stay humble. Stay hopeful for a bright future, with or without your WW.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
DDJ, wanted to look you up and let you know I'm thinking about you. I hope that your staying strong and moving forward to where you need to be. If you stop by, give us an update.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
