I would like to challenge your thinking on the word PRO darknes. M is a decision not taken lightly, a vow between you and your W before God. A vow to commit to only one person until you die. Well, Im terribly non-religious. But in general, yes. This is what I interpret marriage to mean.
Your PRO is condoning infidelity. You're saying that even if my WW sleeps with the entire soccer team because I pushed her away, then I must learn to accept it and ultimately we need to find ourselves and each other. This goes against the monogamous institution that we all signed up for and once believed in, when we got married. Im not exactly sure thats what Im saying. I am not saying that all betrayals that are forgivable. What I am saying is that I would do and have done my best in an attempt to preserve my marriage. I dont believe that you need to exit a marriage in order to improve yourself or to improve your relationship. I dont think the actual act of being "Divorced" means a whole heck of a lot, but what it does is place extra barriers towards reconciling. I believe if you and your wife each can get to a healthy place, then being together is far better for all 3 of you than being apart. I see you throwing away that opportunity and Im not really sure for what benefit.
What chapter 1 of the DR book is saying, is that we should allow infidelity and accept polygamy in M. These are simple blips in the pursuit of happiness. Recovery from infidelity is HARD. And there is no shame in failing.
But to not try is failure. And it sets you, your wife, and your child into a different world that is likely worse for all of you.
I disagree. M for me is a choice, a choice to be together. My WW has made her wrong choice. I need to make the right one now. So you and W are making the same choice, but hers is wrong and yours is right?
The choice you need to make is the same one youve needed to make since you joined here. To become the best DDJ that you can be.
I still dont see what being married, separated, or divorced has to do with that.
I guess i dont need to type anything more. Everything I was thinking has been brought up.
Please seek IC for your issues regarding the treatment of women and people in general as you already noted you did not like what you did to her. There is something deeper there that caused this.
Divorcing her is not the answer because you need to work on you.
Her infidleity was wrong. What you did was wrong. Wrong is wrong not one more than the other.
Yes marriage meant monogamy, but i bet there were others vows that you both took that were also broken.
I am not saying just forgive her and brush under the rug. you both need to do some serious work on yourselves before you can work on a marriage.
Listen to the ladies here. we are not wired to think like them but we can learn
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Thank you all for your input. I appreciate your viewpoints.
However, i signed up for monogamy. I almost fell into the same trap of infidelity. Darnit, I broke my virginity in an adulterous affair. But just because it happened does not mean it is right.
How have we progressed as a society that the sanctity of M and being with one person no longer has meaning. If we accept emotional abuse, then we must accept infidelity? No.
There is a right thing and a wrong thing to do. I had the audacity to ask my WW this question earlier...
If you believed that I cheated on you, would you D me? She paused for 2 seconds and then answered yes. I returned with... You have given me every reason to believe that you have cheated and nothing to make me believe that you have not - this is why i am divorcing you.
I guess the acceptance of infidelity is based on beliefs, everyone is different. I believe that infidelity signals the end of a M. This is how i grew up, with Christian principles, such as stealing, adultery and murder being wrong.
I need to fix myself, but it does not mean that I cannot fix myself if we're divorced. As for D standing in the way of reconciling. Well that's really the purpose of D. I do not want to reconcile with someone that has betrayed me and her son. Torn our family apart for her selfish ways. I don't know if i will take her back in a few years time. I do not know what the future holds, but i must take the right action now.
If my S asks me one day, why did you and mom get D'd, I will say that your mother never kept her vows, neither did I. She chose infidelity and I never really loved her. It had to end. It was the right thing to do. I am taking the right action, even though i feel differently.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
What I mean is marriage is way more than just staying faithful through one another. There are acts you can commit that are just as hurtful. That are just as damaging that will break trust all the same as infidelity.
Emotional abuse is one of them. breaking one you love so badly they feel completely unworthy. It happened to me, I've seen it happen to others that are close to me.
It is an awful betrayal. And takes remorse, wanting to change, and TONS of really hard work to repair the M and damage that has been done by it. Just like when there is an A.
I like the way this gal thinks!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Dont get me wrong, I did too. But life happens. I committed to for better or for worse. Im not going to bail just because of one mistake. Just because things got worse.
Originally Posted By: DDJ
But just because it happened does not mean it is right.
Of course infidelity isnt right. Im certainly not arguing that it is.
Originally Posted By: DDJ
How have we progressed as a society that the sanctity of M and being with one person no longer has meaning. If we accept emotional abuse, then we must accept infidelity?
What? Of course it has meaning. Im not willing to live in an open marriage. But I AM willing to work though issues that my partner has in order to preserve a marriage after making a mistake.
Your W has clearly made some mistakes. While we dont know the extent, it doesnt really make a ton of difference. If you arent willing to forgive this/these mistakes, then fine, get a divorce. Im not saying that you have to. What I am saying is that linking the divorce to this:
Originally Posted By: DDJ
I need to fix myself
is asinine. Go out and improve yourself. You dont need to be divorced to do that.
I am taking the right action, even though i feel differently. [/quote]
A couple of things stood out to me when I was trying to save my marriage.
Around two thirds of marriages actually do survive infidelity. That means that many people - believers and none believers do dig deep and want to rebuild things after infidelity. I wanted to believe that I was as committed and forgiving as the nest person.
The advice to wait for a good period of time - at least six months after discovering infidelity - before making a decision about ending your marriage. It takes a good while for the dust to settle and for thinking and feelings to become more clear.
These two things I thought of time and time again. Also important to me was that my XH was a good person to be M to until this happened and (so far as I know) hadn't cheated before. These things all influenced my decision to remain open to rebuilding things.
Ultimately my XH didn't want to do this. He remains with his affair partner (so far as I know) and saw the D through to conclusion. That's okay - and for me I do feel there is peace in having stuck it out and fought for my M, which mattered to me a great deal.
At this point - almost two years on - what matters most is who I have been, what I have done and why, and who I have become. I can sleep easy with all of that.
That's just my experience and we all vary - but just thought I would share...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
