Your introspections so far don't seem very deep, and they still seem far too focused on your W and not nearly focused on your issues.
You seem to think your brokenness is behind you. It doesn't appear that you are truly seeing how shallow your thinking about women is. not in the past. Right now.
Let me know if my this aren't helping and I'll stop posting in your thread.
Best of luck.
Rose888, I appreciate all feedback. The more the merrier i always say. The feedback pushes my thinking deeper.
Yes, when i say not broken, I mean my daily goals will help me get where i need to be. I'm not lost like i used to be. I know what i stand for. I believe that God has set me on a path, but I first need to fix what's behind me before i can even look forward.
Thank you.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Heres my latest list of goals... Any help to refine based on my latest introspection would help. I hit 15 of 20 yesterday.
Detach (from WW and lose control) • Do not start any conversations • Do not let an argument spiral out of control, hold your breathe and walk away • Do not check Tracker when WW is out • Do not look at phone when WW is out, she can call the home phone • Be mysterious • Let others make their own decisions, do not control • Do not go schizo! • Do not go on forum for more than 2 hours • Do not react to anything anyone says or does, pause and then consider my response
Improve myself (GAL) • I need to go to gym at least 3 to 4 days a week. My gym bag must remain in the car so that I can simply state that “I’m going out”. • I need to stop eating junk-food, and actually start eating. I need to keep healthy snacks to boost my nutrition. • I need to do something different every wknd, for myself and with my S. • No porn • Stop being so introverted, open up, speak about your feelings • No Cursing • No Alcohol
Understand boundaries and implement some • Get Cole to react first time to discipline • No kissing, sex, intimacy, or hugging allowed
Appreciate the little things • Affirm and compliment someone everyday, excluding my WW • Show physical love
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Good for you working on some goals. I'm interested in that you seem to be DBing, but do you actually want your W back? The detach section below reads like you are still very much engaged with her - but you also say you never loved her anyway?
Heres my latest list of goals... Any help to refine based on my latest introspection would help. I hit 15 of 20 yesterday.
Detach (from WW and lose control) ( I would try and phrase these as positives, rather than Do nots)
• Do not start any conversations (if you have kids together is this possible?) • Do not let an argument spiral out of control, hold your breathe and walk away (ideally I would say practice validation here...I'm sorry you feel that way etc..) • Do not check Tracker when WW is out (I agree it's helpful to let go of monitoring her movements. Why have you felt the need to control things in this way?) • Do not look at phone when WW is out, she can call the home phone (I wouldn't be a dork about your mobile if you have a child together, but no need to respond to non-essential stuff.) • Be mysterious (why bother if you don't want her back anyway?) • Let others make their own decisions, do not control (I agree with this one!) • Do not go schizo! (I agree with this, though a positive statement - rather than do not - would be good.) • Do not go on forum for more than 2 hours (yes 2 hours is more than enough - if you have GAL plans you don't need the forum so much.) • Do not react to anything anyone says or does, pause and then consider my response (I agree, plus back to the validating again. All of this is actually about responding in a more mindful way - have you looked at stuff on mindfulness?)
Improve myself (GAL) • I need (prefer will) to go to gym at least 3 to 4 days a week. My gym bag must remain in the car so that I can simply state that “I’m going out”. (Again why bother with the mysterious if you don't want her back) • I need (prefer will) to stop eating junk-food, and actually start eating. I need to keep healthy snacks to boost my nutrition.(Maybe, I'll cook a healthy meal for me (and child?) at least X times per week.) • I need to do something different every wknd, for myself and with my S. (Great - though will rather than need.) • No porn (I thought you be into porn from the way you objectify women...hmm, food for thought there.) • Stop being so introverted, open up, speak about your feelings (learn who I am, what I need and behave authentically around others.) • No Cursing (agree - but would love to see this as more positive) • No Alcohol....have you had issues with your use of alcohol.
Understand boundaries and implement some • Get Cole to react first time to discipline (that sounds like you're trying to control his reaction - remember, you only get to control you...can you rephrase this?) • No kissing, sex, intimacy, or hugging allowed (actually, I think this is around a boundary for you and your own wellbeing, given your W's involvement with someone else.)
Appreciate the little things • Affirm and compliment someone everyday, excluding my WW (I would lose the exclude your W - actually if she is a great parent or does something else kind, why not?) • Show physical love (in what way and to whom?)
Hope these comments are helpful DDJ.
I'd like to see goals around some more difficult stuff for you as I think you could dig deeper here along the lines of what others have posted. You may feel you are beyond brokenness at this point, but I promise you, you have a ways to go as do many of us here.
Take care
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Also, I wanted to say that you seem to be behaving like a bit of a dork (no offence intended). Do you use all conversations with her as a means of continuing to punish her for straying outside the marriage?
I think your goal here needs to be to work towards forgiveness. Remember, you also wanted to stray but there were no 'bites.' Remember too that you rejected your W because she put on some weight.
I truly think your attitude suggests you are massively downplaying your own part in all of this. Yes, she chose to stray and that's on her. Equally, your own actions helped set the stage for this - just saying....
Again, if none of this is helpful, just let me know.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Also, I wanted to say that you seem to be behaving like a bit of a dork (no offence intended).
I think Sotto nailed this (though I would use a different d--k word). And this is why I havent been posting to you much.
I get that you have boundaries. I understand that your W's actions have not shown to you that she is interested in continuing your marriage. That said, I dont think that your actions are showing any interest in that possibility.
Originally Posted By: DDJ
My STBXWW just called me now, frivolous call about white sauce for supper. She ended it with "i love you". I just kept quiet. She says, "You can at least say thank you" softly. I say "you're welcome". She then replies with, "you know that I really do love you". I then said "Bye".
Theres nothing about this conversation that is validating. It isnt being attractive. It's just being rude.
As Ive said before, it looks like you and your W are playing a game of oneupsmanship where you both want to be the one to walk away having hurt the other one more. You seem to be in this vicious cycle of punishment and Im not sure how to help you stop it.
As Sotto said, your goals are focused around your W, but not in a loving, lighthouse-y way. I would much rather see your goals about detachment to be focused on what you will do instead of having talks with her: - I will go out for dinner alone with S once a week - I will try a new GAL activity twice a month - I will learn to control my temper by walking away if I need to - I will not start a conversation about my relationship with W - I will read XXX book to learn ABC - When W talks, I will listen and validate - I do not have to agree with my W, but I will listen, understand and empathize
Your goals read like you just want to avoid her. Like if you cut off all connection with her, then you will be fine. I dont see how that works. I dont see you being able to work through your feelings that way - I think youre just putting it off for later.
As for divorce, I am absolutely pro-marriage. I understand that in some cases, divorce is the best option, but in this one, I just dont see it. Saying "I need to spend one year as a bachelor" is totally arbitrary and selfish. You arent a bachelor. You a married father of a 4 year old son. What are you teaching him about commitment, about marriage, about treating women? The person you are with does not matter for what you need to do. Walking away from this marriage wont fix you. You have to fix you. I dont see how being divorced helps you do that.
You say that being divorced will help you gain the perspective you need. I call that garbage. You can gain all the perspective you need without being divorced. It reads like you want to "get even" or "win" this spat with W. I wholeheartedly believe that you will regret getting divorced in the not so distant future.
@doodler, always thought that I was an over-achiever. an ego thing which i need to lose.
@sotto, always helpful. I most likely use all convo's to talk about her infidelity. I understand where the pain and hurt is coming from. I'm conscious to the daggers that i throw her and that it does not help. I'm now able to see this and stop myself.
I'm not in the right place to work on forgiveness yet, as i think that the focus will be in the wrong place, especially since she's still doing it. Maybe in time i'll get there.
I don't think that i am downplaying my actions, I am 51% to blame for getting us there, but def not here. Keep it coming :-)
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
• Only start conversations pertaining to pertinent things, which excludes any R or M conversations • Validate when WW starts to get aggressive and looks for an argument • Stop snooping regarding WW’s movements (I stopped doing this about 3 weeks back so am over it. I think it was co-dependency, as a piece of me was missing) • Do not look at phone when WW is out, she can call the home phone (This is only when she is out with her new friends and S is with me, normally late night)
Click to reveal..
• Be mysterious (taking this off, as I’m doing this to get a reaction out of her, focus is in the wrong place)
• Let others make their own decisions, do not control • Maintain my composure and come across as calm, remain cordial with all interactions • Do not go on forum for more than 2 hours a week day, and not on wknds (I did well this wknd without it) • Do not react to anything anyone says or does, pause and then consider my response (Will look into things on mindfulness, I have had a tendency to not be mindful of what I say and when to say it)
Improve myself (GAL) • I will go to gym at least 3 to 4 days a week (Still have not gone as things wind themselves down) • I will eat only healthy and nutritional food. (I have eaten take out twice in the last month, doing great and have an appetite now, actually always hungry now) • I will do something different every wknd, for myself and with my S. • No porn (Yeah, I was addicted to porn, but worse as I introduced my WW to it too. But its now 5 weeks and no porn, so yay! Very easy to drop tho) • Open up to others, be myself and understand that my actions impact on others, positive or negative – I choose the impact. • I will ensure that I reduce my curses throughout the day (this is a new one and very difficult) • No Alcohol (no issues, my WW does though, I used to drink just cos she’d finish the whole bottle if I did not - 5 weeks sober too!)
Understand boundaries and implement some • Get S to understand that he must listen to his parents • No kissing, sex, intimacy, or hugging allowed with WW(this is the best boundary I could ever have had)
Appreciate the little things • Affirm and compliment someone everyday (she is trying, making food for me but I’m saying no, definitely my give-up mentality, will work on it, going to have to 360 that then) • Show physical love (to my mother and son, and friends that I interact with – with a hug really) (NEW) Be thankful to God for the small things which i've always taken for granted.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I have read a bunch on this thread and nver really posted. I have a lot of thoughts but i need to gather then better.
One statement/question though.
I have read you state about god will find a way and things like that, yet i dont see much about you showing you are trying to live life in his footsteps.
Are you a religious person or were you just using these words as a way to sound self righteous to your W?
Legitimate question that may help me with my next post.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
