@rose and T0324, yes, I certainly want to be attractive again and i've been working on the new me for two months. I really like what I see. Still introspecting about who I am and what i stand for.
I guess i'm still on the rollercoaster. My aim was always to detach and i think i'm getting there. However, I cannot accept a cheating W back, I must perform the right action which is to D her, and show tough love. Only God knows what the future holds, but for now, this M is not in it.
My next post will follow on with my latest introspection...
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
After an evening and morning of introspection... this is what i have.
I was never "in love" with my STBXWW. I was co-dependent. I never really liked the real STBXWW and tried to change her. I created a barbie doll of what I wanted the world to see. I dressed her, took her out. It was all about my ego.
Then she started putting on weight and I seriously could not look at her chubbiness. Even telling her that she's getting fat on our honeymoon. I was creating a want-away-spouse. Meanwhile, i had a WW who was also being selfish, a kept wife that wanted her own space, but waited for the perfect opportunity before she ran. I know that my marriage must die. I must find myself and her too. I've never been attracted to the real STBXWW, this one now. But sexually, always will be and that's what probably kept us "happy" for so long.
I needed to learn the lesson of selflessness before I could see how UN-selfless I really was. I think that she was in love with me, but I certainly pushed her away. It does not condone her going outside of the marriage. This lesson is definitely for both of us.
I'm taking what i can from it and moving forward. My STBXWW will need to find her own feet. I wish her the best.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
So, this reads like you 'needed' someone to complete the picture of who you needed to be - but when she didn't quite match up you criticised etc. Why couldn't you bear to look at her when she put on weight?
It doesn't sound as though you were able to build an authentic connection with your W. Or accept who she was. Why do you think that was? And yes, clearly she also wasn't the perfect spouse.....and of course there are no perfect spouses out there...
So, you had a sexual attraction but were never 'in love' with the woman you married?
I agree there may well be some lessons for you both here. And it sounds as though you BOTH need to find your own feet. Just remember that 'her' lessons are not yours to teach her - try and focus on your own lessons....and this is a work in progress for you from what you post above.
Good luck moving forwards
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The weight issue; she was a size 6 when i met her, going all the way to a size 12 by our honeymoon. I am attracted to petite woman with long hair. My W never had both, but I was happy because I had her. When she lost her figure I sub-consciously stopped "loving her". I used to be embarrassed by walking with her being so big, never saying it, but she clearly felt the lack of affection. Low self-esteem, definitely maybe.
When we first started seeing each other, we were friends with benefits. BEST FRIENDS. Then she asked for a R, and I thought, what do i have to lose. But never, what do I have to gain.
As for marrying someone I was not in love with, well I was in for a penny and then in for a pound. She needed me, I could not drop her, i was still fixing her - this was a work in progress and my masterpiece was not complete yet. I could also not break her heart - in a similar way that i had broken my XGF's. So i stuck around, married her and quickly gave her a baby to help her to grieve her recently (1 month) deceased mother.
It was a fun journey, but i was always looking, trying to connect with other petite, long haired girls. No-one ever bit. Until i got bitten by my W.
As you say Sotto, these are my lessons. I'm highly analytical. A strength which my STBXWW still thinks is unattractive. So perhaps she'll never get here - but i am here now and will make sure that i am a success, in my life, work and any future R.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Yes, I agree there are some big lessons in there. So, your love depends on your spouse remaining around a size 6 or similar - if she gets bigger she'll become an embarrassment to you. You cruised around for petite dark women in your M and only didn't cheat because no-one bit. Then you show censure towards your W who presumably felt unloved and unaccepted and went outside the M for affirmation.
You may feel you have learned your lessons - and have become a man only a fool would leave. But I have to say there are some pretty big lessons to learn in that story, and your attitudes towards women are questionable I think.
Are you seeing a therapist yourself DDJ? I'm wondering why you found it hard to connect with someone on an authentic, deeper level (ie: seeing beyond the person who is brunette and petite...)
This may all sound a little blunt....and feel free to let me know if my postings aren't helpful.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Your postings are extremely helpful, keep talking :-)
I must show censure for her going out of the M, as she has committed adultery and there are consequences for ones actions. I'm not doing it to spite her. I'm doing it to stand up for the right thing. Regardless of what i "never" did, it does not condone her wayward behaviour.
I definitely know that I have many many many more lessons coming my way. I have learnt more about life, love and myself in the last 2 months than i have in 34 years! I believe that the further i get from her, the closer i will get to finding myself. I learn something new everyday, break that down and learn about that. I love learning, which is why i am loving this journey. I believe that I am off my vicious cycle and on a virtuous one, which may take years to complete, if ever.
I'm not seeing a therapist yet, have a massive pool of support, including you guys where i bounce my thoughts off you all and try to understand my own Morse code. A therapist can only help me once a week, though it would make sense to summarize things.
As for not getting a real connection to someone that I was with every waking day for 10 years - I guess that's the next introspection. Will work on that and get back to you.
Lastly, darknes and dream have gone quiet on me since i said i'm filing. I can only surmise why. But one thing they taught me was, if you change your actions, your feelings will change. I know that 4 weeks of no sex is the catalyst to the realisation of what my feelings actually were/are.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I didn't want to love her. Why didn't i want to? Cos i didn't have to. I didn't have to love her to get what i had or wanted. I always wore the pants for sex, i needed her to initiate to boost my ego and she did it graciously. I could just go through the motions of our relationship, controlling her and our lives. I had full control. At least i thought... plus you don't need emotions when you have control.
Giving up on control is where i'm getting to, i guess you can love someone when you don't control them. I don't think that you can really do both at the same time. When one feels your M slipping, you try and control everything. When it's not slipping, you release that control. I never released it to love her in the first place.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
As for not getting a real connection to someone that I was with every waking day for 10 years - I guess that's the next introspection. Will work on that and get back to you.
Perhaps the answer to this has something to do with the lack of connection that you had with yourself?
True, we get taught that you can't really love someone else until you learn to love yourself. I've never looked in the mirror and asked myself these hard questions. I've never needed do.
I know i'm not broken anymore, my focus is on me. But i still need to find out how broken I really was to make sure that I am able to piece with myself. Fully let go of my past and move forward.
My STBXWW just called me now, frivolous call about white sauce for supper. She ended it with "i love you". I just kept quiet. She says, "You can at least say thank you" softly. I say "you're welcome". She then replies with, "you know that I really do love you". I then said "Bye".
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Your introspections so far don't seem very deep, and they still seem far too focused on your W and not nearly focused on your issues.
A therapist would do far more than summarize. He or she would push you to get down to the real issues by asking questions like "You seem to see women as objects to enhance your self-esteem, rather than people in their own right. Why is that?" and "Do you think it is appropriate for a married man to be trying to attract women?"
You seem to think your brokenness is behind you. It doesn't appear that you are truly seeing how shallow your thinking about women is. not in the past. Right now.
Let me know if my this aren't helping and I'll stop posting in your thread.
Best of luck.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
