Starting to do things right?

[Vanilla]

Please stay in the MBR.

V

[PacLove]

Yes I wasn't planning on moving out, I was contemplating having her move her stuff out but may not. She hasn't slept in there in over a month but still keeps her stuff in there.

[Vanilla]

My suggestion,

Start to move her stuff, make the space your own.

V

[PacLove]

Feeling lots of rage and anger today... knowing she's spending Tues & Thurs with him the last two weeks makes me boil. She basically comes home to spend time with D, then leaves for his place after she goes to sleep.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this weekend both being in the same house (it's her turn with D). I may just end up staying at a buddies place to get away. I was going to go up to our cabin but I can't fathom the idea of being alone right now.

[bigybiz]

PacLove: If being in the same house would be painful get your butt to your buddies place.

[PacLove]

Uggh... it was anything but... I wanted to be angry and for the first while I was and just did my own thing, then as I'm doing something in the kitchen she starts telling me about the stress of her day at work and I use the opportunity to listen and validate - (something we are supposed to be doing as part of DB'ing right?) however this small little moment of spending time with her reminds me of how I still love her. I ended it before she did as I had plans to go out.

[PacLove]

So weekend overall wasn't terrible, W texted me on Saturday night asking if I wanted to join her and D for dinner, I declined saying I had plans. Got home later though and got drawn into an argument, I should have walked away but it actually ended up being somewhat enlightening.

I brought up the fact that I know she's seeing OM, she's still denying anything going on, saying she just crashes there occasionally when in the city, she then accused me of still following her and that I need to stop since we are separated. Fair point (and I know I should).

We then talked a bit about Divorce vs. Separation, she is determined not to file as she wants us both to maintain our lifestyles, houses, etc. if we filed, neither of us could afford to buy each other out of our main family home, but I'm free to date if I want - not what I want right now...

After thinking about it over night, I do have it pretty good right now, I have D pretty much full-time and get to live in the family home. Financially we are both contributing our proportionate amount - she's the one making most of the compromises (or getting the benefit of seeing D with minimal responsibilities and OM without any consequences) depends on how one looks at it.

Sunday morning I apologized for lashing out and she responded by saying no-need I have the right to be angry. She invited me for breakfast with D for Mother's day and I agreed to go along. More or less nice day together, as if the previous nights argument didn't happen although she made a few references throughout the day about finding a more permanent solution to her temporary accommodation. Probably a minor set back in terms of DB.

I really need to stay consistent and be patient. I think I probably engage too much when she reaches out - but then again we do need to show change through that engagement (practice validation and listening)

[PacLove]

Quick question - for those of you that did Separate, how many of you went the legal route vs. informal route? I spoke to a L but she advised if we both had a mutual understanding then no real reason to go legal, D is with me - so that takes care of custody and financially we both contribute equally.

[Nate14]

I tried to do the amicable thing. When I started to find out about what was really going on. Her having an A etc. I decided to just have what we agreed upon written up legally. It protects you in the long run. Kinda like insurance nothing will come back and bite you in the ass. Gave me peace of mind. You never know when things could turn nasty.

[Ralph88]

She is manipulating you. She is getting you to agree to a separation that you dont want to ease her regret of being with OM. She has you apologizing for things. She is cake eating at every step, family lunches and dinners. And on top she is continuing to lie to you every chance. I'm telling you because my W did all the same. Disregard anything she says. What do you want? You want a sep or d or an m with all these lies, betrayal, and manipulation? She's milking you for what she wants, getting you to buy off. She tells you free to date, once again to lesson her regrets that she already is.. You are being played!!

Regarding a sep, are you saying you would be able to trust a mutual agreement with this alien?