Too little too late?

[CRW]

'i want to tell you something. thank you. these past 5 or 6 months have been very hard. however, had they not happened, i would not have confronted my demons and I wouldn't be the man and father I am now. it took a lot of courage for you to not accept a lesser version of the man you married. I'll be forever grateful to you for it.'

I kinda get where you are coming from...that you would not have improved yourself if not for her actions...but it almost sounds like you thanked her for her being unfaithful to you.

did I read that wrong?

It could be taken that way.

I'll be honest, I was in a huge negativity fog of my own, and it was part of what drove her to where she is now. The shock of losing her might have been the only thing that was capable of snapping me out of it. Does it excuse what she has done since? No, absolutely not. But, I am in as good of a place, other than missing her, as I have been in years, and her filing is what finally pushed me to take that step.

[WSB]

Stop sending those type of texts, your pursuing. You now gave her an excuse for her infidelity

[CRW]

I never thought that I was giving her an excuse.

[MoveFrwd]

[quote=CRW]Seems like being genuine and from the heart is what she appreciates most, but in the correct dosages.

A couple of questions for you to ponder:

- Why did you send this message? What were you trying to achieve?

Probably because I had a few beers and was feeling emotional to be honest.

Not terribly surprising. Here's what I'd recommend. Any time you think sending something like this is a good idea, sit on it for a night. If theres unsolicited contact, then theres no rush. Just wait a day and see how you still feel. Or run it by the folks here.


- Did sending this bring you closer to your goals?

I was nervous when I woke up this morning to see her response, which she must have sent first thing when she woke up. Overall I think it was a positive.
Is it? I wouldnt necessarily say it's a negative. But what about it seems positive to you?

I guess I was hoping to inject some things to think about into her mind. I feel like I did.
Maybe. Maybe not.

In my opinion, this reads like you wanting her to give you a gold star for making some changes to yourself. Like "Hey, W, look how great I am now. What do you think?" I think she deflected that in a way that doesnt hurt you, but I dont think it drew her any closer to you.

[CRW]

Just got done talking with my coach, feeling better about things now. He put it in perspective like this, each situation is different, but in general, when you have a few positive interactions, its not abnormal for a WAW to test you to see your reactions, whether they are doing it consciously or not.

[CRW]

In my opinion, this reads like you wanting her to give you a gold star for making some changes to yourself. Like "Hey, W, look how great I am now. What do you think?" I think she deflected that in a way that doesnt hurt you, but I dont think it drew her any closer to you. [/color]

I don't think drawing her closer to me was really my goal. My goal was simply this. I'd been thinking about telling her that for a while now after I came to the realization. Last night just felt right. My perception was that her response was positive.

It is a genuine change in me. In the past I would have blown the whole thing up into a gigantic fight, which is surely what she expected. Instead I challenged her core beliefs about me. I'm going to celebrate that.

At the same time I am going to do what you said about making sure I am taking my time on things and being comfortable with them before I move forward.

[BluWave]

CRW, while I agree with the others that it's no good for you to send impulsive texts, I also don't want you to overanalyze everything or be too hard on yourself. There is no reason to reach out to her, let her know what you are feeling, or show her your changes. She is giving up on you so she doesn't get that anymore!

I think you should just let it go and move forward now. I think it would be best for you to start focusing on you and your future without her. I know it hurts and it's not what you want to hear, but she is giving you no other option right now.

Start detaching, take a big step back, do your 180s & GAL, and become the man that only a fool would leave!!! She may not notice today, next week, or next month. Too bad for her! Her loss!!!

Maybe down the road she will notice? I have nice idea, but I'm willing to bet that someone will. And that, that is the kind of woman you want and deserve!

-Blu

[SH_]

CRW,

Blu is spot on, and I want to echo her advice. The focus you have must be on you and you alone. The goal here is to make you the better man, better potential partner and better father. That is all that you can control. If you achieve all of that then you are the person only a fool will leave. She will have to decide whether fool or not. I see on these forums to many LBS's making changes with the hope of influencing the WAS. I know that our instincts move us in that direction, but it is not realistic, and ultimately it is foolish. We can not control the decisions and actions of anyone but ourselves.

Please don't take this as harsh, but it is imperative that you act on Blu's advice and take hope in her words that down the road.....

I am sending you my support and prayers that you may have hope and strength to focus on you and becoming the person only a fool would leave.

[CRW]

Hey everyone, just got back from Chicago. What a crazy night!

No real updates on the marriage. I did slip up this afternoon and ask her where her and the kids were going tonight, but course corrected pretty quickly.

I'm just trying to do me and worry about the rest later.

[CRW]

One of the things my coach and I discussed was her 'testing' me to see if I would revert to previous behaviors.

She now seems to have realized she can't rock my boat with what she is doing, so she is now trying the 'ignore' technique.

I sent her a text last night about getting the kids for supper this week, and then this morning about if I am supposed to make a dentist appointment for S15. No response to either.

Doesn't bother me though, she can test all she wants. I am going to keep being a great dad and keep working on myself!