Life's a Dance-One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

[melweb]

Thanks Again Sotto and bttryfly.

And I hope you're sitting down!! H came home from work Friday nite, we chatted, I am cordial. I am just sitting down with dinner, he gets his own and joins me. More cordial chatting. As I get up to take care of my dinner dishes, he says "Melweb." And its a tone I KNOW that R talk is coming. I stop and say "Yes." H says " Lets do MC." Good thing chair is still underneath me, cuz I plop right back in it. Yup-- he's not ready to give up on us, he can't help but think he'll regret it, etc. We get interuppted by S18, so convo stops.

We later pick up where we left off, and he admits he is confused, trying to stop A (its him, not her), but really wants this M to work. I remain calm and collected, and let him talk. I say, "at this point, I just need to know its over, and that you are single-minded in making M work". He says yes.

Sat night he says "no contact with OW. And she won't pursue him. She's not psycho." ( I beg to dffer, but I STFU)

I am guarded at the moment. I've been riding this crazy long enough to know it can switch tracks at any given moment. But the door is open. He can walk out in June, or he can choose to stay. But he can no longer have one foot in and one foot out. Its just too emotionally damaging/draining for me. I can live with an MLCer (thanks HaWho), but I cannot live with an MLCer who is having an A right under my nose!

I am off to church this morning, then the gym, and even a walk outside. Its beautiful weather here today. I am going to take advantage of the sunshine.
Happy Sunday everyone.

[melweb]

Well!!! He made it 4 whole days!!

Just found out he contacted OW yesterday while he was out of town.

Pretty stunned right now, but idk why. This is not new to me.

Not sure what to do right now-I need to process.

I'll post more later

[2Times2Many]

Mel, I was reading something recently about MLC men in As and the gist of the article was that they like having two women "chasing" them. Here was the advice it gave. Don't play the game. Let him go to his OW but hold on to your self-respect and dignity by going dim and cooling you interaction with him. She will be straddled with the responsibility of meeting all the needs you've always met and she won't be able to do it because she doesn't know your h like you do. Right now he's getting his needs met by two women and stringing both of you along. As long as he can keep doing that and as long as he thinks both of you "want" him, things will not change. She's not going to stop chasing, so you have to.

Maybe that applies to your sitch, maybe it doesn't. It just made sense to me.

xoxoxo

[melweb]

2T-- That totally makes sense. And I believe that is why he has come back "in" the last 2 times. (I counted today; he has been "in/out" 7 times since the begiining of March) I have told him that I think leaving is for the best, and if its OW he wants then he should go-- twice. I'd love to read that article!!

Ok so when H got home from work, I am dim; he asks about my day, I ask about his and walk away.

He sends me a text that he thinks he should leave. I go downstairs and ask him "why?" H: I am in love with someone else. Me: I guess thats a good reason. Honestly cannot even remember what else was said. The gist tho that he is sick of pretending, of living an unhappy life. He has weighed all the risks. Said he is feeling a lot of pain. Blah blah blah. Most crap I have heard before, but this was the first love admission. I was calm and collected. Validated where I could. Just said " yup, I think its for the best."

I did get angry once and showed him a text from 4 days ago where he admitted the A was just the thrill of the chase, and that he could still attract somebody, whether there was real connection or meaning, or not. And an I love you.
I Said maybe I should call OW, because he is playing us both. He told me I was being irrational. I said "I am?? You have been in/out 7 times since beginning of March." I had to walk away at that point before I said something I might later regret.

[BrightFuture]

Melweb, I agree with what 2T said. I know it must be difficult, but you need to find a way to treat him like a roommate right now. He is confused. And he is trying to have it both ways. But more you get on his case to stop any contact with OW, the more he will be tempted to continue. Like they say, “the forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest”.

I would not do anything right now. Like we like to say here, when you don’t know what to do, do nothing.

[TxHubby]

Not sure what to do right now-I need to process.

You do know what you need to do. You just don't want to do it. I understand that. I do. Still, you know where this is heading.

[Sotto]

Hi Melweb, I'm sorry to hear that and not surprised. I think you have the answer here already - I suspect he will continue to shuttle back and forth in confusion. He isn't likely to put an end to that pattern any time soon. You however can if that's what you choose - you don't need to remain a point on that triangle.

X

[melweb]

Thanks BF and Sotto.

I am feeling less and less confident with each BD. Seems his mind(?as if he actually has one) is made up this time. He sent a text this morning saying he is moving out, presumably this weekend, to an extended stay hotel until he can get an apartment. You all know I do not want him to do this, but my own words are coming back to haunt me-- its for the best!

I am in an ok place right now. Its not lke this is new territory. But riding this crazy train is emotionally and physically draining.

[Sotto]

Maybe in future in instead of saying 'it's for the best' which could be read as 'this is what I want to' - you could say. Okay, I don't want our M to end, but if this is your choice I respect that. What I'm not willing to do is live in an open M, so if you want to continue seeing OW, I can see why you would want to move out.

And then I would go as dim as possible for a good while - enjoy being off the rollercoaster and make some nice plans for yourself.

I'm sorry things have come to this point - but I actually think the bouncing back and forth is the absolute worst scenario for any LBS, so to be out of that will be a positive I think.

Take care xx

[job]

mel,

Sotto has given you excellent advice. You need to put the situation back in his court and allow him to think about things and he will then make a decision. When you say "it's for the best" you are basically making the decision for him. Don't do it. He's got to think about moving out and figure out if this is truly what he wants w/o your pointing him in that direction.

Try the comments that Sotto has provided to you and then step away from the situation. Go on about your business and leave him to twirl in the wind. He's sitting on the fence and is confused about what he wants, but that doesn't mean you help him out the door. He's got to do that all on his own.

It's definitely one step forward, two steps back...but I know you can handle this situation.