Wife wants to separate at end of school year # 2

[Bhuda1]

Now that the separation is inevitable I will be updating my progress as things unfold. Thank you for recomeending...along with brushing up on the divorce remedy with a full re-read.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2617549#Post2617549

[Zephyr]

Hey bhuda, just do a web search ...

Then there are a couple of choices. I cannot post links to other parts of the web on these forums, community policy.

[Bhuda1]

Thank you Zephyr. Already done.

[Bhuda1]

I know I have to follow that book and the DB techniques if I want to save my marriage.

As mentioned earlier, My separation is now inevitable. My wife opened my eyes to so many things that I have done that have led to our present sitch. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of the things I have done. All the choices, decisions and actions I made can be attributed to being ... I can't believe how selfish I have been and looking back I have to place 95% of the blame on myself. This has been a real eye opener.

I am still in conflict with what to do with our living arrangements. My heart says she should stay, be room mates and continue co-habitating for the sake of the children. My head says she must leave or the animosity and resentment will continue to fester.

Can an in House Separation truly work in my favour if I follow the DB"ing guidelines? Is there a DB'er who has succeeded in DB'ing with an in house separation? If so I would appreciate hearing from you. Let me know what works and what doesn't.

My eyes get watery every time I think of my children and how a separation may affect them. My older son internalizes everything and my youngest is very sensitive and full of emotion like me. On top of that, the youngest will be starting high school in the fall, The double whammy of newly separated parents along with the potential added stress of a new school could place so much pressure and pain on my child.

I get so angry at my wife, sometimes I think to myself that I want to be so difficult and stubborn and inflict hurt on her for placing me in this situation. I then realize, I have already inflicted so much pain on her that anything I do going forward would be a drop in the bucket.

I know she will bring up "Let's continue to be friends". My first thought on this is How can we be friends if, as she puts it, We have nothing in common? Once again I realize if we are not cordial, this will make the situation that much more difficult for our children.

I must detach, do a 180, get a life, set goals and become a better me. My physical transition is coming along. I am pumped when people notice my weight loss. More pumped when my wife commented on it. With the information provided in the DR book, my mental and emotional transition will follow.

I have never been more focused than I am now. When the bomb was dropped back in October of 2015, I went through the same feelings as I am now. Eventually the fear subsided and I really thought her feelings would change over time. That is why I strayed away from become a true DB'er. Again, because so many things have come easy for me I had the false impression that things would be OK. Boy was I wrong. I was living in a fantasy world. My wife is a strong woman. I know this decision did not come easy on her. I do know deep down she still loves me. The theme of our marriage was "today I am marrying my best friend" Time, stress, my actions and lack of communication has changed that. If it were to happen today the Theme would be Today I married an acquaintance.

I will be having a telephone coaching session. I pray with his advice and knowledge I can start to become a true Divorce Buster.

As always I welcome any advice and suggestions from the DB community.

Thank you

[Vanilla]

The answer to your questions are all yes.

First and foremost is addressing the codependency though and that can be very hard whilst you are in house S. One solution is to find a good course to be on and to go and do that learning experience, to escape for a retreat to put your thoughts in order.

It is through becoming, through learning who you are. From becoming a friend and lover to yourself and not your own acquaintance.

There is little wrong with healthy shame and guilt, it creates change and shift. If it motivates you then embrace it. No need to squash it or reject it. Please Google Breen Brown and Vulnerability there is a tremendous Ted Talk you can listen to about resolving deep inappropriate shame and becoming authentic.

I would caution you that your WAW has choices too and you are responsible for yours. There is a saying used well here your circus and your monkeys. At this stage play in your own sandpit.

Please know that you are doing DB for you irrespective of its affects for your M, and I had Sandi 37 guide rules laminated and I carried these with me. I know them by heart like the 10 commandments and even though I am half way D and completely NC I still measure myself by them.

Peace

V

[SH_]

Good morning Bhuda1,

Reading your story I see many similarities to my sitch.
I understand the grief and guilt that you express as feeling that it is all on you. I feel this stinging sensation regularly as well. Phoebe just posted in my thread some very good advice as it relates to not taking that all on ourselves. It is not healthy. And it is not accurate. Relationships require 2 persons and they hold 50% of the responsibility.

I plan to check out the ..., as I think that I to fell into that trap over the years in my MR. And now that my WAW has become a run away train, I am dealing with other challenges.

Anyway, you appear to be on the right path working with a coach, focusing on Dbing, and working to improve yourself. I will continue to check in on your sitch and share any advice or feedback that I can based on what I am learning and may be able to offer.

The best advice I have now is to live in the moment, enjoy your time with your kids, and push forward 1 step at a time.

Have a wonderful day and I send you my support in hopes that you may draw additional strength as you need it.

[Bhuda1]

Thank you all for the support and advice. It is so much appreciated.

I am halfway through the ... book. A total eye opener. Some of the "Breaking Free" activities suggest discussion with my significant other. This poses a problem.

Would I be taking steps backward if I acknowledge to my wife that I am reading the ... book. I have even had thoughts of asking her to read the book.

I am nice and need to break free from being that. So much so that I realize I even get annoyed when I mention a scenario involving my sitch and someone disagrees with my actions. It is all part of looking for appreciation and accolades.

That has been me. I always have done things hoping to get some sort of positive response in return. The main one is telling my Wife I love her just to hear it back. This has been my life. Doing things to feel appreciated, liked and accepted. From my wife to my children, my friends and business colleagues. I have always been concerned with having people like me based on my actions not for who I am. This realization has been a slap in the face and a wake up call. I will no longer look for approval. I will do things for me. Live my life without seeking or expecting accolades.

Please let me know if it goes against DBing if I let my wife know about the ... book or even suggest that she read it.

I also want to note that realizing that because I have been nice as defined in the book, I am not justifying my poor choices and actions of the past. It has just given me a better insight into why I made the choices I did. Knowing now Who I really am and who I want to be, can only work in my favour as a true DB'er.

[sandi2]

I am halfway through the ... book. A total eye opener. Some of the "Breaking Free" activities suggest discussion with my significant other

Did it say anything about the spouse being S from you and wanting a D? My advice is not to discuss what you have read with your W.

I also suggest you finish the book, first, and then go back to the activities.

[sandi2]

Please let me know if it goes against DBing if I let my wife know about the ... book or even suggest that she read it.

Do not show material to your W. Just b/c you have found a wealth of information that gives you clear insight to a major issue in the MR......doesn't mean squat to her. She will add it to her list of other things too little too late.

It is much, MUCH better to just stop being the passive nice-guy. Let her see the change in you, instead of you trying to explain it. Otherwise, she will mock whatever change you initiate and say something like, "Is this something that book said to do"?

You may not be able to see what you are doing here, but you are still looking for a positive reaction by showing her the book.

[Bhuda1]

Thank you Sandi2 for your insight. I will not let her know about ... or anything else I may read to improve my sitch and myself.