Detachment, anxiety and other joys of limbo...

[Phoebe]

So, doe anyone out there have some tales about the financial consequences for the LBS?

Specifically, how can we try to save our marriages and yet save our financial security when the assets are held jointly? Our spouses are clearly only looking out for their own interests, so how can we look out for our own?

I just discovered that H is making moves that show has stopped contributing his paychecks to our bill paying account. He is bringing in the only income right now, so that's a very destabilizing event.

I know I can't be alone in this. What is everyone doing on this front?


First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2650649#Post2650649

[Zues126]

Phoebe, I just tried to get caught up with your sitch. From what I can see your H is lying to you, has an EA/PA, isn't sure he wants to be married to you- particularly if that means not getting to do whatever he wants.

Detach and walk the other way.

I am *NOT* saying to give up on your M. But honey, you can't nice him back, and you can't do his share of the work for him. He needs to be the one to come to you, you can't go to him to try to 'make it easier for him'. He's on a journey that you want nothing to do with.

What would you do if you knew for sure your M was dead forever? Seriously, I'd do that.

I'm not suggesting burning bridges, but detach, take care of yourself, develop some boundaries and treat him as a neighbor only, and move forward with your life. Yes, get a L and get protected financially, that is non-negotiable.

And, for Zues's sake, please make a list of requirements that you'd need to see before you are interested in having another emotional conversation with him. For example, "I will not open up emotionally with H again until the day comes that he apologizes, tells me he wants to work on the M, and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that possible". That was my requirement for XW, she never did that, so guess what, we haven't talked openly since BD. And you know what? Though that's not what I wanted, that's life. It's not within your control or mine. So get your head around the fact that you can DB and 180 for ever but you can't control him. You can only control you, and that means making sure you don't pursue him because while you can't bring him back to you, you can sure drive him further away by pursuing. And heart to heart conversations, sexual relations, etc, all of that is pushing for closeness he doesn't want. You are too good for that.

So take care of yourself financially, list the requirements of what you'd need to be willing to recommit to the M, and start detaching and quit holding your breath.

[Painter]

Did you ask him about this? I would imagine it would impact his credit negatively if he stops paying the bills?

[Phoebe]

Hi Painter and Zeus. Thanks for the replies. Yes, Zeus, you hit all the highlights, and the lies have been out of control.

I guess my question is how can I actually protect myself financially without initiating D proceedings myself, which isn't my goal at all? What am I missing? How is everyone able to hang in there long enough to allow DBing to have a chance with a WAS?

Painter, I did send H a breezy, polite email asking him to free up some cash in our bill-paying account (it's full on not-so-liquid stocks if cash doesn't continue to go in). I could sell something myself to free up the cash for bills, but, unlike him, I am intent on making this as collaborative as possible. The possibility of a D is bad enough without it becoming a vicious ugly fight. I have no stomach for a war that will destroy everything good that we ever had.

I also mentioned that I had noticed that his last paycheck didn't get deposited and asked him what happened.

[Phoebe]

I really didn't mean to split my thread. Sorry it went that way. I was really looking for some general thoughts here, but I am glad for the input on my particular sitch.

Apologies for poor forum decorum.

[CWOL]

Depending on your state you might have to initiate the D in order to force him to free up the cash. I'm in the opposite mode as I'm an LBH. My WW secretly moved her direct deposit in January to a new bank account after I discovered her EA last November. Luckily I keep an eye on the bank account and noticed it right away. I then discovered that she paid an L retainer and then I made a number of moves to protect my interests. Also, her paycheck were only 5% of our total income so it didn't hurt as much financially as emotionally. The thing in our state is it is very liberal, so basically I have to give her 42% of my take home pay every month, even though she's the cheater and she's moving out of our house! It's terrible...

[Phoebe]

That's pretty awful CWOL.

I got caught completely flat-footed because he has been feeding me messages that don't jive with his actions, and he lives 5 hours away so I couldn't see any of the conflicting evidence. I had no idea he was so skilled at lying until I went out to see him this past weekend.

Feeling really, really dumb tonight.

[Painter]

You're not dumb! You trusted your spouse - there's nothing dumb about that. I know the feeling of having been gullible and stupid, but it's not true. How would you have a M if you didn't trust your spouse?

HE has deceived you and cheated on you, lied and betrayed. You have done NOTHING to deserve that. One day he will realize that, but right now he's not in his right mind.

[Phoebe]

On some level I know you're right, Painter.

I just feel absurdly stupid right now. My H has turned into a lying, drug-using, cheating, self-serving such-and-such and I just never saw it coming. I wanted to believe the best of him for all these weeks. I thought I knew him after 25 years and I wanted to trust him.

He told me he was done lying after I found the A on Monday, and he seemed genuinely distressed and concerned about me and the effect the PA would have on me. Maybe it was simply having to own his web of lies. I don't want to bad mouth him any more because it doesn't help my pain to cut down the person I love, even if he's completely gone over the edge of reason.

He told me he had consulted a lawyer, not initiated proceedings (and I have not seen any evidence of proceedings as of today).

This paycheck thing could have been set up to detonate before I saw him this weekend. I don't know. I hope I hear from him in the morning by email, but I'll be looking for a L as soon as possible, regardless.

Should I make this my new thread since it's ended up being so specific to my sitch and my old one is about to lock up?

Here's my first thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2650649#Post2650649

No idea if that will work as a link.

[CWOL]

We're not dumb. We've just had the misfortune of marrying someone without morals, who deceived and manipulated us. In my case it happened twice, and this time at least for 9 years. I am just sad I put so much effort into this marriage for it to end up like this. It's unfortunate that my WW is being rewarded financially for breaking up our family, for cheating on me, and for her dishonesty. It's too bad we're in a no-fault state, where infidelity has no bearing on the courts.