Need help. Threading water, learning to swim.

[TimR]

Great for you G8r! I did something similar this weekend and while it helped WW out a small bit, I did it for me to show what she be missing. I also got to show off the 30 pounds I lost and how much better shape I am in.

The other theory I have is that it leaves a recent pleasant memory of me. So instead of all the negative that she has created there will be something positive about me she recalls.

[sandi2]

AAnother example of my growth, WW was complaining that the AC on 2nd floor wasn't working. I initially thought to myself, why is she telling me this? According to her I never do anything around the house. Let het fix it. Then I thought that I'm a fixer and one of the things she used to love about me and something I liked about myself (mainly because it's always gotten the attention of the ladies) is that I am capable of some home repair. Turns out that the batteries in the thermostat were dead and needed to be replaced.

FWIW, and I don't know that all M women are this way or not, but I grew up seeing the man repairing or having things repaired. When I got M, that was the pattern we had in our home. It fell under the heading of the "man's work". So, if this has been the pattern in your home and MR, it is automatic thinking for her to report to the man whatever isn't working.

Now this is JMHO, if the man is paying for that house, or if he is staying under the same roof with her, he can look like a jerk or be responsible for his own property. If he is going to receive a bill for having a professional to fix it.......it may serve him better to not leave it up to her to take care of the repair. Know what I mean?

The other side of that coin is if she is living in a separate house (and she is displaying in wayward behavior) and reports that something is not working, then he needs to tell her in so many words that he no longer is her handyman. Some wayward W's need that jolt of realization that he is no longer available to do those things, especially when she has betrayed him. It depends upon where they are in the journey. If she has stopped the wayward behavior and they are working toward a R, then the decision would be left to his own discretion. WW's can be manipulative, even in things such as getting the LBH to be her electrician, plumber, comp tech, etc.

See? Now, what's so complicated about a little question of repair or not repair? (jk)

[G8r]

HI Sandi,

We currently share the house but I can't afford it without her help. On the other hand, she can run to her mother for financial help so she will have the house when D goes through. I'm here for now and doing things like that were one of the things she used to find attractive in me. Since I didn't feel the need to have the AC running and it wasn't to the detriment of D3, I doubt I would have fixed the problem if I wasn't living here and I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to do so. Viewed it more as an opportunity th show her what she would be missing in future plus it took all of 2 minutes to fix. Didn't get a thank you and didn't expect one.

Interestingly, she accused me of removing the batteries to make it not work again. Lol. Crazy woman. She just didn't set thermostat correctly. This I did expect from her. Funny, because 4 or 5 months ago, I would have expected the opposite.

[G8r]

Went to get a burger and some beer at a pub after going to divorce and separated support group. There was a woman there desperate to get into some guys pants. Could have been mine but I wasn't interested. She gave me a rose. I left it on kitchen counter for WW to see. Her om isn't the only person who doesn't care if someone is wearing a wedding ring. Although I never even remotely considered engaging this woman, it did feel nice to receive some attention.

Also, WW has let me know 3 times that she blew hot water heater fuse and I need to flip the circuit if I want a hot shower tomorrow. I guess I'll be taking a cold shower because I'm not going to provide her with hot water and I won't turn it on for myself only to shut it back off after my shower. Talk about entitled and lazy. How hard is it to walk into basement (a nice one mind you, not some dank cellar) and flip a switch?

She's definitely got some changing to do if she ever decides she made a mistake. I'm no longer sure I want her back these days. Some days yes, some days no and some days I'm on the fence. Today the grass was looking greener elsewhere but we'll see what tomorrow holds.

[G8r]

Well, I guess I'm not quite as detached as I would like to think. I was Feely rather down this past weekend while WW and D3 were visiting FIL. That turned to agitation when WW asked if I would bathe D3 on Sunday (her day) because she was not feeling well. She was obviously sick. I declined so she told D3 that I didn't want to give her a bath which caused D3 to cry. I immediately switched course and gave her a bath. Talk about guilt.

Fast forward to yesterday. She was extremely nice and even asked my opinion on problem she was having at work (that hasn't happened in a while ). I guess she sensed she was being nice and withdrew. As I was taking D3 to bed a bit later, she asked me why I can't ever smile when I'm around her. Not true. I smile plenty for D3, just not WW. It almost feels forced when I smile at WW. I ignored and said goodnight to WW. About an hour later, WW started complaining because I hadn't communicated with her whether we were filing joint or separate taxes. I said I didnt care, she needed to let me know what she wanted to do (I missed an opportunity to lead by deciding what I was going to do a D let her follow). Anyway she got aggravated and started her spewing. I shouldn't be bothered by it but I have been. Grrrrr.

On a good note, I wanted to get the last word in last night but bit my tongue. She texted this morning to correct my opinion and I wanted to respond but I didn't. Baby steps.

[TimR]

G8r it is the little triumphs that lead to the large victories. I tell my wrestlers learn to score the little points and you will win, don't worry about the big point moves cause they are too risky. Consider your baby steps a progression forward. If you want a real win consider you bit your tongue with WW this time could you do the same thing in the future, could you do the same thing with another person?

As I think I am beginning to accept the end of my marriage, I am realizing this work is to make me a better person. Yes, I have acknowledged that from the beginning, but am now finally realizing what that means. It means I am not just going to do these things/techniques with my wife, I am not just going to practice these things on other people so when the time came I could use them on my wife, but this is who I am becoming. I complained on a thread earlier that I lack empathy for others. That is an issue of mine, well today I caught myself actually listening to my paralegal's personal/home problem, even better I realized I was validating her feelings. I don't know if it mattered to her but I was doing it all on autopilot, not thinking wow here is an opportunity to do xyz, but just doing it.

Disturbingly, I also find myself less angry and less sad. I am just vacant and hollow, that is better than emotional all the time. I think that is progression! I think that is the rope slipping through my hands. Even if just a bit.

So take the little things you are learning and don't just apply them, make them a part of you.

[mutatio]

All you can do is make life as good as you can. Improve your short comings, be compassionate to your wife as she struggles and love and teach your children. Be the best dad and husband you can be. This is the way

[G8r]

Thank you TimR and Mutatio.

I hear what you're saying TimR. I try to enjoy the small victories as much as ppossible. I now believe that all the introspection and self reflection are for the benefit of my D3 (after all she will be a woman one day and a teenage girl before that, Lol). It also will benefit me in my next relationship. However, I must say that I hope you will be careful. You mentioned becoming vacant and hollow. That helps in the short term but it's no way to live long term. I have ignored my emotions for far too long thinking that was the way to go but I now see there is much to life that I was missing by not allowing myself to feel emotions. Don't let that become you. I am glad to hear that your changes s3em to be on auto pilot now. Although I think I would prefer to hear automatic rather than auto pilot. I think auto pilot played a role in my presence hear.

Good advice Mutatio. I am doing my best to show my WW love and compassion while not expecting any reciprocation and not letting her walk all over me. It is tough to do and it is a very fine line. Some days I see it better than others. Thank you for the encouragement.

[G8r]

Need advice / help. I have practiced validated my WW and it is becoming more natural but something she said has me thinking.

She says that I am nice and sweet when I validate via text or FB IM but that she feels I'm patronizing when I do it in person. I'm wondering if something about my facial expressions, tone of voice or body posture is causing her to feel this way or if it's simply my presence that bugs her and causes her to react so differently to similar messages presented in different formats.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? I don't know how to respond.

[sandi2]

Probably b/c it does not feel natural for you, she reads the awkwardness as not being genuine. Just continue to practice and it will start to feel easier.