Thank you to everyone that took the time to write to me about my anniversary. It has come and gone. I've tried really hard not to think about it since it passed but it's been hard. I had made up my mind that I was going to go over there on that day. I decided that weeks ago. Then, with my son being in the hospital and H ignoring me when I tried to tell him, I was so mad that I really wasn't sure what to do anymore. I was still on the fence about it right up to the night of.
That afternoon I had lunch with my mom and one of my daughters. Around 5 I fixed my makeup and took my D to work. My plan was to go to see H on my way back home. My plans all changed when I found out that my D called H and asked him if she should try to dissuade me from going over there. OMG! Are you kidding me!!!? I know her heart was in the right place as she was just trying to protect my feelings, but I could have just died! I know he must have thought I put her up to making that call. I never even told her that I was going over there. UGH! In that one 2 minute phone call she completely ruined any chance of me being able to go over there. I looked like a fool! I asked her what he said when she asked him that. She said that he told her YES. So, basically I got the knife in the heart without the benefit of getting to see him. Happy anniversary to me! And for anyone that's not clear on it, I did NOT go over there.
I have found myself in a bit of a weird place since then. Not really sure what to make of it. I don't know if it's because I'm just SO hurt by him right now. Or, if it's because of how long this has been going on. Or maybe it's just the stress of my son's accident. Not sure. I just find that I'm not really sure how I feel about H any more. I mean, it's been 5 months now. I have sat over here by myself and he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. When something happens, he doesn't care. If I need to talk to someone, he doesn't want it to be him. He is completely unavalable to me. I have had him hurt me over and over by refusing to see me, not answering my phone calls and texts, rolling his eyes when I go over there, and he has chosen her over me not once but twice. He would rather listen to her stories than mine. Comfort her instead of me. Confide in her while not giving me the time of day. I reach out to him and when I leave, he calls her after sitting there and ignoring me. I don't know if I'm just numb from being hurt so much by him, or if I'm actually starting to detach, or what the deal is. I just find myself not caring as much as I once did. It actually makes me sad. Sad that this might be the beginning of me letting go. The beginning of me moving on and leaving him behind as he has done to me. The beginning of the end of us.
I just said that it makes me sad, but I'm not even sure that's true. I guess I do feel numb to it right now. I just wonder if being kicked so many times when I was just trying to hold on to my H has finally shifted things even if only a little. I'm thinking the rope feels a little lighter right now than it ever has. It makes me feel incredibly lonely. Of all the feelings I have, that is the none that I hate the most.
I don't really know what I want anymore, but I do know that I'm tired of being married to someone that would rather talk to ANYONE other than me. I guess this hurts so much because I KNOW that I was not the problem. I bent over backwards trying to make him happy. Trying to be what he wanted while he constantly changed the rules. I took all the blame for his bad behaviors. Let him criticize and put me down for things that weren't even true about me. He really has no reason to treat me badly at all. I should be the one throwing him away, but instead I have been desperately trying to convince myself that he would come back. I just don't believe it anymore and I'm tired of him constantly choosing ow over me.
I guess I'm just venting here. I don't have anywhere else to do it. He was the only person I ever talked to. I guess I'm just trying to understand how I feel. It's like up to my anniversary I was trying so hard to hold onto hope, and now it's just gone. One day I had hope, the next day it was just not there. Maybe that's how he felt. One day he loved me, the very next day he just didn't. Simple as that. Just hard to believe but I really don't have any choice.
I know from 5 months worth of experience that my moods cycle without warning. I wonder, if I ever get to sleep, how I will feel when I wake up. Surely this resigned feeling won't stick permanently just yet. Or, maybe it will. I prefer the anger. I wish it would come back around and stay for a while.
If anyone is still reading this, thanks. I really do appreciate it.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I have been reading as I do a lot on here. I do give my opinions and advice where I feel I can help. I definitely am not like a lot here in the way of offering comfort and telling everyone how wrong the WAS is etc.
I know validating is something I have always needed work on with w and all people. With that said I try to refrain from coming across mean.
But I am here for support. I was once like many here and only wanted to hear what I wanted and would get upset at the rest. That goes away with time.
All I can offer right now is that your h wants space and to be away. That can change but right now that is all he wants. Getting in the way of that is going to keep making this hard.
I do feel for you as I know how painful it is.
Just keep posting and reading.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I am so sorry, MB. I can relate to almost everything you wrote in that post. It is really hard to try to stick to the rules when the H keeps changing the rulebook but he doesn't give it to you to read. My H also had a PA, so I am very empathetic to your situation.
I wish I could offer more comfort to you. And, I agree with otw, give your H space and time. What I will advise is to be gentle with yourself - take care of yourself. Can you get a massage, pedicure or take a yoga class? Something that will soothe your soul.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I am so sorry I wasn't around when you posted that. It bothers me to hear the pain in your words. I want you to know your not alone with your feelings. A lot of time I crave the anger too, it's easier than the other emotions.
Don't beat yourself up because of this. You are an amazing woman that put up with a lot of BS. The way H treated you was ridiculous. He didn't see you or appreciate you for the blessing to this world that you are.
I say take brokes advice and go do something nice for yourself. Massage, mani-pedi, gigalo, new hair style or colour, retail therapy. All the things you deserve.
You are always here for me when I am up or down. I, as will a lot of others, will be here for you through the ups and downs too
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Awwww....that's so nice to hear! I sure don't get that very often. Not unless it's NY or Rain. . I didn't necessarily have a great weekend. I'm way too embarrased to tell you about my Friday night. It. Was way less than exciting. AND NO, NY AND RAIN, YOU MAY NOT TELL EITHER! I will say that I was definitely out of the house and trying my hardest to GAL. . Little did I know that Friday was actually going to be the best night of the whole weekend. UGH.
Saturday started off good. I had a late lunch/early dinner planned with an old friend. She's going to be moving out of state soon and I haven't seen her in a couple of years. We were just going to go eat and then catch up on what's new with the both of us. Unfortunately, she ended up having to work because someone had called in. Apparently I had been on the edge of tears and just didn't know it till that moment. I ended up crying and then decided to go out to see my parents just to get out of the house. Probably would have been fine, but I just had to pass by H's house. Not sure why I do that. I KNOW better. Sigh...... Really wasn't expecting ow's truck to be there. I would like to say that it didn't bother me, but that's probably not true. I did make it a little better by eating ice cream and then popcorn for dinner.
I guess that brings us to Sunday. It was actually a pretty good day right up till the end. I decided around 1AM that if H can sleep with another woman in our bed, then there's no reason I should continue to not do things just because he wouldn't like it. SO, I made my very own Facebook page! WOOHOO!!!! I think I have 36 friends so far. I stayed up this morning and worked on it. It was actually a lot of fun! Very glad I did it. And, I don't care one little bit what H thinks about it. If he can have an affair, he no longer gets to control me! Okay, I know, he shouldn't ever control me affair or not. I know. It's just easier to give in though. I have always hated the fighting. My oldest daughter had my youngest stay with her for the past week for spring break. She brought her back this evening. Sure was good to see both of them! Like I said, it was a pretty good day right up until the end.
Unfortunately, I discovered this evening that my son got not one but 2 tickets from his accident. I couldn't believe it when I saw it. One of them was for failure to control speed resulting in an accident. Are you kidding me? He was run over by a school bus while he was driving his motorcycle. She ran him over on his side of the road. Then he gets ticketed and blamed for the wreck. I was beyond mad. I have had so much to deal with lately, and then this. So, I decided to go for a walk to calm my nerves. I was talking to a friend on the phone and when I got to the end of the street, I was just standing there in an empty parking lot talking on the phone. A police officer drove by me and then pulled in and got out to talk to me. She acted like I was breaking some kind of law by being out for a walk. She kept asking me questions, asked for ID, etc. I guess I had finally had enough of it and asked her if she was seriously running my information to "check me out" because I'm out for a walk and talking on the phone. She actually called for backup and a second officer arrived. I honestly thought they were about to take me straight to jail! Now, I am the quietest, most respectful NONCONFRONTATIONAL person you would ever want to meet. It was just laughable for her to treat me like that. I mean seriously, did she REALLY think I was a threat to her? Thank goodness my common sense took over even if only briefly so I could take a deep breath and just STFU! See there, DB at it's finest!!! Anyway, they finally let me go. By then, it had gotten dark and I was still so mad that I ended up walking about 3 1/2 miles. I was NOT dressed for that. LOL, now my legs are sore and I have blisters on the bottom of my left foot.
I just can't seem to win these days. I am determined to have a better day tomorrow. I don't know how, but surely it has to be better, right?
I sure wish I could tell you that things have been great for me. It just seems like this dark cloud follows me around these days. I think my turn is over. That cloud needs to go rain on someone else's parade and leave me alone. My turn is over!! Maybe it can pick an OW or OM to follow around for a while.
How have things been with you? I'm going to look and see if I can find your post on the DB FB page. Maybe I will have better luck this time. Hope I didn't scare you away with all the gloom and doom that seems to be my life lately. I'm really hoping it passes soon!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I'm sorry you had a rough weekend MB. I truly hope the sun breaks through the clouds for you. I am glad you came here and journaled.
On the positive side, this tough weekend brought you to the point where you took a step and made a fb page, something you wanted to do. The police got you to realize you can step back and handle situations as frustrating as they may be.
Today will be a good day for you. Keep your chin up MB
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
. I didn't necessarily have a great weekend. I'm way too embarrased to tell you about my Friday night. It. Was way less than exciting. AND NO, NY AND RAIN, YOU MAY NOT TELL EITHER! I will say that I was definitely out of the house and trying my hardest to GAL. 